HELP! *quick*

[flumsan.livejournal.com]

which sentence looks best to you?

(Because why should he dream when his life seemed to be a living dream?)

(What was the use in dreaming when his life seemed to have turned into one?)

(Why should he dream when his one dream of true love just had become reality?)

Any other suggestions?

*dies*

Comments

[thalassatx.livejournal.com]

They all look extremely high in sugar.

[flumsan.livejournal.com]

yeah, and that's how it's supposed to be. :P

[seeing-stars.livejournal.com]

hmm... third one. :D

[flumsan.livejournal.com]

thanks for responding.. :)

(omfg I LOVE your icon. *dies* How cute is that!?! Where's the clip from?)

[melody2tds.livejournal.com]

how about:
"What's the use in dreaming when his life seemed to have become one?"
or:
"Why should he dream, when his most important one had just become reality?"

like the first better. contracting "what was" and changing "turned into" to "become" makes it flow better. reading something out-loud always helps me.

[flumsan.livejournal.com]

Hmm.. Yeah.. *ponders* Thanks for responding and giving advice. I'll se what I'll use...

[ginique.livejournal.com]

The third one is easiest for me to swallow. =)

[flumsan.livejournal.com]

Thanks for responding. <3

[apple-scruffer.livejournal.com]

I like
"Why should he dream when his one of true love had become reality?"
:)

[elfing.livejournal.com]

So do I. The double use of 'dream' was bugging me. :)

[suzecarol.livejournal.com]

OK, let's look. The third one has that clunky double-dream thing going, and I think the problem with the first two is the "seemed to" business -- it's very awkward.

How about:

Dreams lost their meaning when his life became one.

Except I don't think meaning is the right word. Hmmm...

[waterychan.livejournal.com]

I like the second one, but I have my own little suggestion:

What point was his dream when he could now experience it while awake?

Forgive me, it's terrible, but...yeah....*runs away and hides*