Mimm (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
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fellowshippers2002-07-25 11:31 am
mimm) wrote in fellowshippers2002-07-25 11:31 am
The 6th. The last. Finally.
Series: Destinies Entwined (6 parts)
Title: Revival (6/6)
Rating: NC-17
Pairing: SA/EW
Disclaimer: This is - once again - fiction. None of it happened anywhere except in my mind. And that's the way it's going to be. I wrote this for fun (angst for fun?) and I didn't get paid.
Summary: What happened to Sean and Elijah?
Feedback: All is welcome. Even if this sucks. I need to know.
Authors notes: Thanks to![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
empy for beta'ing patiently both versions of Revival. This is the final, extended version.
Destinies Entwined - Part six: Revival
There were two ways.
Sean and Elijah could choose a life together. It would mean they would hurt some of the people close to them. It would mean their lives wouldn't be the same ever again. Or, they could choose to let each other go. They would live fairly enjoyable, separate lives, probably missing each other on a daily basis. But the only people getting hurt would be Sean and Elijah, no-one else.
Sean had, by his cruel behaviour towards Elijah, made sure they both chose the latter.
However cold Sean had been to him, Elijah never forgot. He never let go of the dream of him and Sean being together. Sure, he had learned to play a role. He had to pretend he didn't miss Sean. He had to hide to the world the fact that there WAS a Sean to miss. He had to show it hadn't hurt him deeply when Sean had rejected him. Elijah had to play the role of a happy, succeeding young actor who had all the world at his feet.
Take it like a man.
Smile like a winner.
Hurt all you want but don't let it show.
You can always run home and cry, just as long as you do it when the cameras aren't running.
Remebering and obeying that, you'll be a star everyone adores, and you'll have a long career ahead of you.
Elijah didn't suffer a pain he couldn't take. He wouldn't go to extremes. He wouldn't kill himself. He just died inside, nothing more. Little, insignificant fact, that. Shit happens. It was a cold fact of life he had to face. He would play the role of his life, even when it had to happen behind the cameras where nobody saw all the talent and effort he put into his work.
* * * * *
"Should I leave her?" Elijah asked Dominic one afternoon while walking down an icy street in London.
"Don't you like her anymore?" Dominic asked in return, blowing some warm air into his nearly-frozen hands.
"You know I will always like her. Why else would I still be with her after all these years? I just don't think it's fair to her that I keep playing this charade. She's in love with me. I don't want to hurt her."
"Don't you think you've already gone too far for that? I mean, she's been head over heels in love with you for ages. Now you're suddenly going to dump her. What gives you the impression she won't get mad?" Dominic answered.
Elijah pushed his hands deeper into the pockets of his winter coat. He had come to London to meet Dominic because he needed the company Dominic gave him. Dominic was the only person in the world who was there for him, no matter what.
"So, you think I should stay with her?" Elijah asked, wanting to get a clear answer when Dominic obviously wasn't giving one.
"No. I'm just saying you have to consider all the possibilities. She will get crushed if you leave her. If you decide to stay with her, you're sure to end up hating her."
They walked to a white brick house, and Dominic started to search through his pockets for the key. After finding it, he opened the door and let Elijah in.
"If you were me, what would you do?" Elijah continued, stepping inside the house, not wanting to leave the subject before he had gotten a clear answer as to what to do. It was one of the most important decisions of his life.
"How should I know? I'm not the one in love with a girl. You are," Dominic answered while brushing the snow off his coat and hat.
"Very funny. Imagine she's a boy, then," Elijah said sarcastically.
"Well, it depends on how much you want to fool yourself. And her."
Elijah was quiet for a long time. Dominic lead him to the kitchen and motioned him to sit down while he would get them some hot chocolate to warm them up.
"I have to leave her," Elijah finally sighed, letting his fingers warm up around the hot mug.
* * * * *
The visit to Dominic's new house had cleared a lot of things that were confusing Elijah. Good old Dom, always reliable, always there for him when he really needed someone to talk to. Dominic had found a boyfriend after the Lord of the Rings trilogy and the premieres were over, and the cast had started to concentrate on their new projects. The guy wasn't in any way related to the film industry. He was just a nice young man Dominic had met during one of his long evening walks.
Elijah was jealous, of course. Not because he wanted to have Dominic himself, but because of the relationship Dominic had with his boyfriend. Elijah wanted the same, but he knew he could never achieve it with Franka. It took more than just liking. It took love, and love was the one thing Elijah couldn't give. Not full-heartedly.
So, the only result Elijah had come to, after the visit to London, was to leave Franka. It was one of the most painful experiences Elijah had ever faced in his life. The only thing worse was the moment Sean had told him he was a little child who had screwed up Sean's life simply by existing and, in the end, seducing him. Like Sean didn't have anything to do with it.
After Elijah returned home, he told Franka they needed to talk. No, Franka didn't take it easily. How could she? She was in love. It crushed her, just like Dominic had predicted. But, Elijah was sure that, in time, she would realize she would never have gotten the whole of Elijah. And to get only half was to get none.
Elijah was alone again. He was twenty-four years old and had no-one. Because he only wanted one person and he couldn't get him.
How could he find someone else when he only had feelings for Sean? Even after all those years, Sean was the only one who had touched Elijah the way a person was supposed to touch another person. Sean was the missing half of Elijah's soul. Although, some would have said Elijah was nothing more than an obsessive, disturbed young man.
Get a life, find someone else. Find a girlfriend who will make you forget men.
They didn't know.
* * * * *
Every night the dream came back. Every night Elijah lived the same things over and over again. The nightmare always started the same way. And, every time, it ended the same way.
Elijah was sweating. The sweat was dripping from his shiny forehead, down to Sean's chest, making the soft skin slippery. Elijah leaned closer to Sean and slowly slid his tongue over Sean's lips, opening the mouth for him to kiss. Elijah was overwhelmed by the passion he felt for Sean, by all the bottled up feelings he had held inside for the past few years.
Elijah loved Sean, he lusted after Sean. He wanted Sean. In the midst of the kiss, Elijah remembered the first time they had really been together. It was when Elijah had barely been nineteen. He looked like a vulnerable little child, only he wasn't a child. Vulnerable, yes, but not for the reasons people thought. He was vulnerable because he loved a taken man.
In fact, Elijah had been a very determined young man who knew what he wanted. On their first time he had been a bit shyish, uncertain of what to do and what would feel right and good for the both of them. But he had known what he wanted. Now he was more experienced. With women. With men. He knew how to fuck a person's brain out if he ever felt like it.
But no. He wouldn't do it out of pure wickedness. Never. Not to anyone. He didn't want anonymous sex with anonymous, meaningless partners. He wanted to make love. He yearned for love. The kind of love only Sean could offer him. The kind of love he was able to return with the whole of his heart.
Franka had loved him, but what Elijah had felt for her wasn't love. It wasn't lust. It was nothing but deep affection. Friendship. Therefore it was doomed right from the day it had started. Elijah knew that but he didn't tell anyone else. Elijah and his role, always together, never apart. It was the best way to live from day to day without being asked awkward questions that had no answers.
Of course Elijah missed Sean like a right arm that had been ripped off. Sean was The Love And Lust Of Elijah Wood. Nobody could take his place, not even if Elijah himself had offered it. His and Sean's destinies were entwined, their lives meant to be together. Elijah knew it. He made sure nobody else did. It would only cause people to worry around him. Not even Dominic knew how serious it was.
Now Sean was lying beneath him, anticipating something, not sure what it would be. Elijah looked into Sean's eyes with a look full of total devotion and passion. Sean had no other choice but to realize how much he meant to Elijah.
* * * * *
Elijah was looking at Sean. Suddenly the image faded and Elijah found himself standing in his living-room. The sun was shining through the blinds, hurting his eyes. There were clothes scattered on the floor. Some belonged to him, some belonged to... was it Brian? Elijah wasn't sure. Brian, Brad, Bridget, Brenda, what's the difference? In every case it was someone he didn't have any feelings for. Elijah searched for his boxers and t-shirt, finding remains of foil on them. He wiped them off and put the clothes on while looking at the guy on his couch.
He had done it again. It had felt nice for a while but in the long run it wasn't nearly enough. There was no love.
The guy opened his eyes and smiled at Elijah.
"Morning."
"Morning," Elijah answered, faking he didn't mind the guy being there. "Coffee?"
"Thanks. That'd be great."
And Elijah walked to the kitchen, put the coffee-maker on and sat at the kitchen table, staring at the window. It needed cleaning.
(Why can't I stop?)
The guy came to him, all dressed, and sat down, right in front of Elijah.
"When are we going to meet again?" he asked in a sleepy voice. He was good looking, in that boyish, naïve, inexperienced way. (Oh, the things I taught him last night... he's going to make someone happy. Too bad it can't be me.)
"Listen, Brian... I'm not looking for anyone permanent in my life. I'm sure you're a nice guy (that's gotta hurt) but I'm not ready for a relationship. Hope you understand that," Elijah said, surprised by his honesty.
The guy stared at the table, looking miserable. Then he got up, walked to the door and looked at Elijah.
"It's Brandon."
And then he wasn't there anymore. Elijah sighed, poured some coffee for himself (Jesus, it's like poison) and drank it, leaning against the fridge.
(Well, at least he's gone.)
There was a knock on the door. (Come on, Brandon, why couldn't you just take it the first time? I'm not in the mood for fights.) Elijah put the cup down on the table and went to answer the door.
"I already said I don't want..."
It was Sean.
* * * * *
Elijah needed something to lean into. Seeing Sean after all those years wasn't something he could handle right then. He was too shocked to invite Sean inside so they stood there, Elijah in his boxers and t-shirt, staring at Sean, and Sean wearing brown trousers and a black shirt, looking amazing. Had Elijah really been with Sean once? Why was it taken away from him? Why did there have to be Christine?
"Hi, Lijah. What don't you want?" Sean asked, not really sure he wanted to hear the answer.
"Brandon," Elijah answered, stunned and still not quite himself.
"Who's Brandon?" Sean asked, suddenly realizing it probably was Elijah's boyfriend or something. "Oh, forget that. Are we going to stand here or are you going to invite me in?"
"Oh. Umm. Come in, Sean."
Elijah walked to the kitchen and took a quick look at the coffee cup. (I have to make more coffee. I have to make better coffee. Sean is here. I have to make him some coffee. Does he even drink coffee? Why the hell is he here?)
"Sit down. Want some coffee? This is really, really bad, and I'm afraid it would kill people if let loose so I have to make new. That is, if you want some. Do you?"
Sean looked amused but also anxious.
"You don't have to. Unless you want some."
"I already drank enough. Sean, why are you here?" Elijah asked, wanting to solve the situation as quickly and clinically as possible. He didn't want to open the not-quite-healed wounds. Ask Sean. Sean will answer. Sean will be gone. And nobody would get hurt.
Sean stood up, took a few nervous paces and turned to face Elijah.
"Elijah... Are you with someone?"
"What's it to you? Last time I checked it was apparently none of your business. All that meant anything to you was that you had your wife and a little something on the side with a guy whose mind you screwed up for life."
(Why am I this mean? Hasn't there been enough pain already?)
Sean was walking away from the kitchen, obviously very hurt.
"Sean. I'm sorry. And no, I'm not with anyone. Alright, I have been, but it's nothing serious. It can't be serious," Elijah said, looking apologetic. "Not after you," he had to add, even if it was a bad idea.
Sean stopped and turned around.
"You want to know why I'm here?" he asked.
"Of course. I haven't seen you for years and suddenly you are here, on my doorstep."
Sean walked to Elijah, stopping only a step away from him, and saw Elijah was tired and confused.
"If there was a way, would you take me?" Sean asked in a warm voice. Elijah frowned as he looked back at Sean feeling angry and frustrated.
"What kind of a question is that? Do you really need to ask? I'm a fucking mess because I can't have you. I can't function normally, I don't feel anything for anyone, I miss having SOMEONE in my life and I know it's you but you're with Christine. And you ask me something stupid like that?"
Sean couldn't take Elijah in his arms because Elijah wasn't there. He had walked to the door and had his hand on the knob.
"I think you'd better leave now."
But Sean didn't leave. He walked to Elijah and put his hand on Elijah's arm.
"I'm not with Christine. Not anymore. As of this morning, we're divorced. I'm free if you'll take me."
Elijah could do nothing but stare at him. (What is he saying? What does that mean? Is he... Could he... Could we... Now?)
"But... The kids?"
"I'm still their father. Chris had no reason to take them away. I'm sorry it took this long for me to realize she shouldn't have taken you away from me, either. But you haven't answered yet. If there was a way, would you take me?"
"You're free?" Elijah wasn't getting it. It was too much too soon.
"Yes. Is it really that difficult to understand?"
"You want me? Even though it's been years?"
"I thought we already established that. Why else would I come here to beg for you to come back to me? Now, PLEASE, tell me what the answer is."
And Elijah was crying. He didn't know how to stop it, nor did he want to stop the tears from running down his face.
"Take a wild guess," he said right before jumping into Sean's arms, hugging and kissing him like he had wanted to do for years.
* * * * *
The image of Elijah's house went away just as quickly as it had appeared, and and Elijah was again on top of Sean. Right where he had been before that nice, sweet dream had come to him. Not that this dream didn't feel nice. He was sitting on Sean's thighs, legs on both sides. He put his hands on the face in front of him, caressing it. Sean moved slowly against the hand, touching the sweaty palm with his lips, letting the tip of his tongue slide on the skin, tasting the salt. Elijah's hands wandered on Sean's face, stroking the hair, petting the cheeks, closing the half-open eyelids with soft fingertips. He wanted Sean to enjoy what he was about to do to him.
Elijah's weight pushed Sean down, nailing him tightly to the bed. Elijah leaned closer to Sean's chest. He kissed the skin and the abdomen. Sean was slimmer than he had been before. He had been training, Elijah couldn't miss that. Elijah let his tongue come out and lick his own sweat off Sean's chest, making Sean tremble involuntarily under him.
With slow motions and sensual movements Elijah slid his tongue on Sean's chest, making circles and patterns on the warm skin. He put his mouth on one of Sean's nipples and licked it, first carefully, then demandingly. He bit it lightly, making Sean squirm and want more. Sean's hands were in his hair, brushing through the damp curls. Then they were going lower along Elijah's back, pushing Elijah closer to him.
Elijah sucked the nipple once more and moved on to the other one. He circled it with his tongue, tasting, playing, teasing. Sean was having a hard time under him, trying not to grasp Elijah's hair too intensely. Elijah took Sean's hands in his and raised his head, looking down at Sean who was lying there, eyes closed.
"Look at me," he said with a smooth, loving voice.
Sean did as he was told and looked at Elijah, eyes half-closed, look so full of pure lust for Elijah it was almost beyond comprehension.
"You are mine now," Elijah said. And that was all. He didn't have to say anything else. Sean didn't have to answer, because they both knew what the answer was.
Sean was hard. Rock hard. So hard Elijah couldn't help feeling a bit impressed. Had he done that? Had he caused the erection that was touching Elijah's waist when he leaned forward? Yes, it was all because of him. Sean wanted him. Elijah didn't have any intentions of not giving Sean what he wanted. What they both wanted.
Elijah looked deviously at Sean, let go of his hands and moved a bit back. Then he licked his lips with his tongue and lowered himself to Sean's cock. Sean closed his eyes. Elijah licked the hardness from top to bottom with slow movements that seemed to take forever to reach the end. He licked the tip, all swollen and red, gleaming in the dim light.
Elijah licked the head of Sean's penis, twirling his tongue around it. He took it between his lips and kissed it. Sean didn't know where to put his hands so he just clutched at the sheets, pushing his nails deeper and deeper into them.
Elijah took the cock deeper in his mouth, tasting it, sucking it, licking it, playing with it. He had learned to be very good at that. After Franka he had experimented on men, trying to find a substitute for Sean.
Elijah loved the smell of Sean. He squeezed the root of the penis while he took it even deeper into his mouth. Sean was breathing raggedly. He was moaning and whimpering, squeeping like a person who had forgotten he existed. He was way past shyness now. He didn't care who was there, doing what and to whom. All he knew was that it felt like nothing before. Elijah quickened his pace, sucking harder, until Sean couldn't take it anymore. He came in Elijah's throat, and Elijah swallowed as well as he could.
Some of the cum was still in his mouth when he got up, moved closer to Sean and kissed him. Sean was surpised at the taste of his own cum in Elijah's mouth. Sure, he had tasted it before. Name a guy who hasn't? But, to get it mixed with the taste of Elijah... That was something different.
Sean was trying to breathe normally after Elijah let go of his lips and laid himself next to Sean.
"Is it possible to love this much?" he asked Elijah in a quiet whisper. He wasn't a loud lover. He didn't scream in ecstasy. He was more intimate, more personal. Elijah liked it. It was something private, just for the two of them.
Sean had gathered himself when he finally raised his head and looked at Elijah who was there, right next to him. Still in jeans. Sean hadn't thought about that when he was trying to handle his own orgasm. He leaned closer to Elijah, kissed him deeply, his tongue exploring Elijah's, the two of them so combined it was near perfection. Their mouths were a perfect match, as were their tongues. He crawled closer to Elijah, and was soon lying on top of him, looking down. Elijah smiled happily against Sean's mouth.
* * * * *
In the dream Elijah was lying under Sean, right after he had given Sean a blowjob they both wanted and needed. In the dream Sean said all the words Elijah wanted to hear.
"You liked it," Elijah started, grinning.
"Of course. It was you."
Sean let go of Elijah's lips and they fell silent again. Sean sat up and let his hand wander further down Elijah's jeans, opening them button by button. Elijah raised his hips a bit so he could slip out of the thick fabric. Sean got up from the bed, walked to the other end, and started to pull Elijah's boxers off with his teeth, looking at him with a teasing grin. Sean dropped the boxers on the floor, and Elijah felt the fresh, cool air. Sean's hands came to rest softly on Elijah's crotch, petting the already hardened cock, which made Elijah take a deep breath. Then Elijah recovered from the moment and got his voice back.
"No. Sean. Don't," he sighed.
"What is it?" Sean asked with surprise and anxiety in his voice. Was Elijah going to back out again?
"No, it's not that. I want you. God knows I want you more than I've ever wanted anyone."
"But..?"
"I want to show you something."
"What is it?" Sean asked with a slight tone of uncertainty in his voice.
"You'll see," Elijah answered, getting up from the bed, showing Sean he should sit down and wait.
Elijah took out a little tube. Sean was staring at it in disbelief, especially after Elijah got his wicked grin on again. Sean lay on his back, not sure whether he should pick his clothes from the floor and run away, or stay and wait for what was going to happen. Was the tube what Sean thought it to be?
Elijah opened the tube, squeezed it a little, and dipped his thumb into the clear gel in his palm.
Yes. It was exactly what Sean thought it would be.
Elijah came back and spread Sean's legs.
"Just relax. I've done this before. I can guarantee you're going to love it."
* * * * *
In the dream Elijah would always be surprised by how deep his love for Sean really was. It felt strangely calming to look at Sean in front of him, completely willing to surrender to him, waiting for what was going to happen next. To be able to share the most intimate things with Sean was everything Elijah could ever hope for, and more. And making love to him was definitely intimate.
Sean didn't protest when Elijah slid his hand downwards along the inner thigh, towards the buttocks, putting the fingers between them, letting the thumb play around the opening. Sean looked very nervous but didn't stop him when he pushed the thumb deeper until it slid in without difficulties.
"Relax. Please."
Elijah moved his hand so that Sean could do nothing but whimper. He was lying on the bed, basically with a thumb in his ass. And he seemed to like it. Elijah's other four fingers were free to play with Sean's balls. Sean couldn't but get all aroused again. Elijah took more lube and spread it on his fingers. He took the index finger, put it inside Sean. Another finger followed soon. It was more difficult and Sean was feeling pain. Elijah could see it in Sean's face.
"I could never hurt you. You have to know that by now."
The two fingers were now inside, and Elijah was trying to get the third in. At first it didn't fit but then Sean managed to relax a bit and Elijah got the finger inside of him. Elijah took the fingers out, spread some lube on his own cock and moved closer. He lifted Sean's legs higher, which made Sean feel a bit embarrassed.
"Hey, it's alright. There's absolutely no reason to get embarrassed. I love you more than you could possibly know."
There was a silence in which Elijah allowed Sean to get a hold of himself.
"Can I do this?" he asked then.
Sean gave a slight nod. He couldn't back out now. He would give Elijah what he wanted. What they both wanted. So, he bit his lower lip when he was expecting Elijah to enter him. But Elijah didn't do that. Instead, he played with Sean. The soft head of Elijah's penis was moving back and forth around the opening. Elijah took a tighter grip of Sean's hips and moved closer, trying to get inside. Bit by bit he went deeper. Sean's eyes were full of tears of pain, his forehead full of sweat.
"You can turn back if you want. But this is the last time you can do that. Then it's too late."
Elijah wasn't so sure he could do that but he wanted Sean to feel safe.
But, Sean didn't back out. He nodded and tried to smile.
"I want this."
Soon Elijah was finally inside. It was a perfect fit, and Elijah was feeling dizzy. He was inside of Sean, giving, receiving. What more could he ever want from his life? He began to thrust in and out, slowly, making Sean get accustomed to the pace. The thrusts became deeper and quicker. Sean wasn't hurting anymore and opened his eyes, only a few inches away from Elijah's. The look was so full of love Elijah got a lump in his throat, and a warm feeling filled him completely. He gave Sean a little smile and kissed him. Closing their eyes and embracing each other they let go of everything around them.
Elijah released his right hand, took Sean's cock and rubbed it while he was pushing deeper. Sean, who was usually quiet, almost bit Elijah's lip and shouted in pleasure as they both came within seconds of each other. Afterwards they just lay there, Elijah inside of Sean, in Sean's lap.
When they got their strength back, Elijah slid out and lay on his back next to Sean. Then he turned to lie on his other side and looked at Sean who was still feeling quite numb and couldn't move. He just looked back at Elijah with all the love in his eyes, and opened his mouth to say something. The words didn't fit the picture at all.
"I just fucked a little kid who knows nothing. God knows I'll always hate myself for this."
Elijah didn't know what to do or say. The words hurt him more than ever. Sean looked at him in disgust.
"No. No, Sean! Don't do this!"
* * * * *
The nightmare always started the same way. Elijah made love to Sean. And, every time, it ended the same way, with Sean hating him more than anything in the world. How many times had Elijah had this dream? He had lost count. It was a never-ending nightmare. He was afraid he would never get over it. Every time it hurt a bit less, but to get all the pain go away would take two lifetimes.
No, Elijah had to live with his nightmare. He had to lose Sean every night. There was no other way for him. So, again he lay staring into the darkness around him. Knowing the ceiling was there. Knowing the darkness wasn't an endless pit in which he had fallen. Knowing all he had to do to make the darkness go away was to sit up and turn the lights on.
Still, he could hear his own quick breaths. Feel his own pulse. Shiver at the thought of the reocurring dream that never left him alone. Their first time after all those years. And it went wrong every time. Elijah couldn't believe. Couldn't trust. Not completely.
"Elijah? What is it? That dream again?" asked the worried voice next to him.
Sean's voice.
His hand on Elijah's bare chest.
In their bed.
Because, in the end, there was really only one way.
Their way.
---
The End.
Title: Revival (6/6)
Rating: NC-17
Pairing: SA/EW
Disclaimer: This is - once again - fiction. None of it happened anywhere except in my mind. And that's the way it's going to be. I wrote this for fun (angst for fun?) and I didn't get paid.
Summary: What happened to Sean and Elijah?
Feedback: All is welcome. Even if this sucks. I need to know.
Authors notes: Thanks to
empy for beta'ing patiently both versions of Revival. This is the final, extended version.Destinies Entwined - Part six: Revival
There were two ways.
Sean and Elijah could choose a life together. It would mean they would hurt some of the people close to them. It would mean their lives wouldn't be the same ever again. Or, they could choose to let each other go. They would live fairly enjoyable, separate lives, probably missing each other on a daily basis. But the only people getting hurt would be Sean and Elijah, no-one else.
Sean had, by his cruel behaviour towards Elijah, made sure they both chose the latter.
However cold Sean had been to him, Elijah never forgot. He never let go of the dream of him and Sean being together. Sure, he had learned to play a role. He had to pretend he didn't miss Sean. He had to hide to the world the fact that there WAS a Sean to miss. He had to show it hadn't hurt him deeply when Sean had rejected him. Elijah had to play the role of a happy, succeeding young actor who had all the world at his feet.
Take it like a man.
Smile like a winner.
Hurt all you want but don't let it show.
You can always run home and cry, just as long as you do it when the cameras aren't running.
Remebering and obeying that, you'll be a star everyone adores, and you'll have a long career ahead of you.
Elijah didn't suffer a pain he couldn't take. He wouldn't go to extremes. He wouldn't kill himself. He just died inside, nothing more. Little, insignificant fact, that. Shit happens. It was a cold fact of life he had to face. He would play the role of his life, even when it had to happen behind the cameras where nobody saw all the talent and effort he put into his work.
* * * * *
"Should I leave her?" Elijah asked Dominic one afternoon while walking down an icy street in London.
"Don't you like her anymore?" Dominic asked in return, blowing some warm air into his nearly-frozen hands.
"You know I will always like her. Why else would I still be with her after all these years? I just don't think it's fair to her that I keep playing this charade. She's in love with me. I don't want to hurt her."
"Don't you think you've already gone too far for that? I mean, she's been head over heels in love with you for ages. Now you're suddenly going to dump her. What gives you the impression she won't get mad?" Dominic answered.
Elijah pushed his hands deeper into the pockets of his winter coat. He had come to London to meet Dominic because he needed the company Dominic gave him. Dominic was the only person in the world who was there for him, no matter what.
"So, you think I should stay with her?" Elijah asked, wanting to get a clear answer when Dominic obviously wasn't giving one.
"No. I'm just saying you have to consider all the possibilities. She will get crushed if you leave her. If you decide to stay with her, you're sure to end up hating her."
They walked to a white brick house, and Dominic started to search through his pockets for the key. After finding it, he opened the door and let Elijah in.
"If you were me, what would you do?" Elijah continued, stepping inside the house, not wanting to leave the subject before he had gotten a clear answer as to what to do. It was one of the most important decisions of his life.
"How should I know? I'm not the one in love with a girl. You are," Dominic answered while brushing the snow off his coat and hat.
"Very funny. Imagine she's a boy, then," Elijah said sarcastically.
"Well, it depends on how much you want to fool yourself. And her."
Elijah was quiet for a long time. Dominic lead him to the kitchen and motioned him to sit down while he would get them some hot chocolate to warm them up.
"I have to leave her," Elijah finally sighed, letting his fingers warm up around the hot mug.
* * * * *
The visit to Dominic's new house had cleared a lot of things that were confusing Elijah. Good old Dom, always reliable, always there for him when he really needed someone to talk to. Dominic had found a boyfriend after the Lord of the Rings trilogy and the premieres were over, and the cast had started to concentrate on their new projects. The guy wasn't in any way related to the film industry. He was just a nice young man Dominic had met during one of his long evening walks.
Elijah was jealous, of course. Not because he wanted to have Dominic himself, but because of the relationship Dominic had with his boyfriend. Elijah wanted the same, but he knew he could never achieve it with Franka. It took more than just liking. It took love, and love was the one thing Elijah couldn't give. Not full-heartedly.
So, the only result Elijah had come to, after the visit to London, was to leave Franka. It was one of the most painful experiences Elijah had ever faced in his life. The only thing worse was the moment Sean had told him he was a little child who had screwed up Sean's life simply by existing and, in the end, seducing him. Like Sean didn't have anything to do with it.
After Elijah returned home, he told Franka they needed to talk. No, Franka didn't take it easily. How could she? She was in love. It crushed her, just like Dominic had predicted. But, Elijah was sure that, in time, she would realize she would never have gotten the whole of Elijah. And to get only half was to get none.
Elijah was alone again. He was twenty-four years old and had no-one. Because he only wanted one person and he couldn't get him.
How could he find someone else when he only had feelings for Sean? Even after all those years, Sean was the only one who had touched Elijah the way a person was supposed to touch another person. Sean was the missing half of Elijah's soul. Although, some would have said Elijah was nothing more than an obsessive, disturbed young man.
Get a life, find someone else. Find a girlfriend who will make you forget men.
They didn't know.
* * * * *
Every night the dream came back. Every night Elijah lived the same things over and over again. The nightmare always started the same way. And, every time, it ended the same way.
Elijah was sweating. The sweat was dripping from his shiny forehead, down to Sean's chest, making the soft skin slippery. Elijah leaned closer to Sean and slowly slid his tongue over Sean's lips, opening the mouth for him to kiss. Elijah was overwhelmed by the passion he felt for Sean, by all the bottled up feelings he had held inside for the past few years.
Elijah loved Sean, he lusted after Sean. He wanted Sean. In the midst of the kiss, Elijah remembered the first time they had really been together. It was when Elijah had barely been nineteen. He looked like a vulnerable little child, only he wasn't a child. Vulnerable, yes, but not for the reasons people thought. He was vulnerable because he loved a taken man.
In fact, Elijah had been a very determined young man who knew what he wanted. On their first time he had been a bit shyish, uncertain of what to do and what would feel right and good for the both of them. But he had known what he wanted. Now he was more experienced. With women. With men. He knew how to fuck a person's brain out if he ever felt like it.
But no. He wouldn't do it out of pure wickedness. Never. Not to anyone. He didn't want anonymous sex with anonymous, meaningless partners. He wanted to make love. He yearned for love. The kind of love only Sean could offer him. The kind of love he was able to return with the whole of his heart.
Franka had loved him, but what Elijah had felt for her wasn't love. It wasn't lust. It was nothing but deep affection. Friendship. Therefore it was doomed right from the day it had started. Elijah knew that but he didn't tell anyone else. Elijah and his role, always together, never apart. It was the best way to live from day to day without being asked awkward questions that had no answers.
Of course Elijah missed Sean like a right arm that had been ripped off. Sean was The Love And Lust Of Elijah Wood. Nobody could take his place, not even if Elijah himself had offered it. His and Sean's destinies were entwined, their lives meant to be together. Elijah knew it. He made sure nobody else did. It would only cause people to worry around him. Not even Dominic knew how serious it was.
Now Sean was lying beneath him, anticipating something, not sure what it would be. Elijah looked into Sean's eyes with a look full of total devotion and passion. Sean had no other choice but to realize how much he meant to Elijah.
* * * * *
Elijah was looking at Sean. Suddenly the image faded and Elijah found himself standing in his living-room. The sun was shining through the blinds, hurting his eyes. There were clothes scattered on the floor. Some belonged to him, some belonged to... was it Brian? Elijah wasn't sure. Brian, Brad, Bridget, Brenda, what's the difference? In every case it was someone he didn't have any feelings for. Elijah searched for his boxers and t-shirt, finding remains of foil on them. He wiped them off and put the clothes on while looking at the guy on his couch.
He had done it again. It had felt nice for a while but in the long run it wasn't nearly enough. There was no love.
The guy opened his eyes and smiled at Elijah.
"Morning."
"Morning," Elijah answered, faking he didn't mind the guy being there. "Coffee?"
"Thanks. That'd be great."
And Elijah walked to the kitchen, put the coffee-maker on and sat at the kitchen table, staring at the window. It needed cleaning.
(Why can't I stop?)
The guy came to him, all dressed, and sat down, right in front of Elijah.
"When are we going to meet again?" he asked in a sleepy voice. He was good looking, in that boyish, naïve, inexperienced way. (Oh, the things I taught him last night... he's going to make someone happy. Too bad it can't be me.)
"Listen, Brian... I'm not looking for anyone permanent in my life. I'm sure you're a nice guy (that's gotta hurt) but I'm not ready for a relationship. Hope you understand that," Elijah said, surprised by his honesty.
The guy stared at the table, looking miserable. Then he got up, walked to the door and looked at Elijah.
"It's Brandon."
And then he wasn't there anymore. Elijah sighed, poured some coffee for himself (Jesus, it's like poison) and drank it, leaning against the fridge.
(Well, at least he's gone.)
There was a knock on the door. (Come on, Brandon, why couldn't you just take it the first time? I'm not in the mood for fights.) Elijah put the cup down on the table and went to answer the door.
"I already said I don't want..."
It was Sean.
* * * * *
Elijah needed something to lean into. Seeing Sean after all those years wasn't something he could handle right then. He was too shocked to invite Sean inside so they stood there, Elijah in his boxers and t-shirt, staring at Sean, and Sean wearing brown trousers and a black shirt, looking amazing. Had Elijah really been with Sean once? Why was it taken away from him? Why did there have to be Christine?
"Hi, Lijah. What don't you want?" Sean asked, not really sure he wanted to hear the answer.
"Brandon," Elijah answered, stunned and still not quite himself.
"Who's Brandon?" Sean asked, suddenly realizing it probably was Elijah's boyfriend or something. "Oh, forget that. Are we going to stand here or are you going to invite me in?"
"Oh. Umm. Come in, Sean."
Elijah walked to the kitchen and took a quick look at the coffee cup. (I have to make more coffee. I have to make better coffee. Sean is here. I have to make him some coffee. Does he even drink coffee? Why the hell is he here?)
"Sit down. Want some coffee? This is really, really bad, and I'm afraid it would kill people if let loose so I have to make new. That is, if you want some. Do you?"
Sean looked amused but also anxious.
"You don't have to. Unless you want some."
"I already drank enough. Sean, why are you here?" Elijah asked, wanting to solve the situation as quickly and clinically as possible. He didn't want to open the not-quite-healed wounds. Ask Sean. Sean will answer. Sean will be gone. And nobody would get hurt.
Sean stood up, took a few nervous paces and turned to face Elijah.
"Elijah... Are you with someone?"
"What's it to you? Last time I checked it was apparently none of your business. All that meant anything to you was that you had your wife and a little something on the side with a guy whose mind you screwed up for life."
(Why am I this mean? Hasn't there been enough pain already?)
Sean was walking away from the kitchen, obviously very hurt.
"Sean. I'm sorry. And no, I'm not with anyone. Alright, I have been, but it's nothing serious. It can't be serious," Elijah said, looking apologetic. "Not after you," he had to add, even if it was a bad idea.
Sean stopped and turned around.
"You want to know why I'm here?" he asked.
"Of course. I haven't seen you for years and suddenly you are here, on my doorstep."
Sean walked to Elijah, stopping only a step away from him, and saw Elijah was tired and confused.
"If there was a way, would you take me?" Sean asked in a warm voice. Elijah frowned as he looked back at Sean feeling angry and frustrated.
"What kind of a question is that? Do you really need to ask? I'm a fucking mess because I can't have you. I can't function normally, I don't feel anything for anyone, I miss having SOMEONE in my life and I know it's you but you're with Christine. And you ask me something stupid like that?"
Sean couldn't take Elijah in his arms because Elijah wasn't there. He had walked to the door and had his hand on the knob.
"I think you'd better leave now."
But Sean didn't leave. He walked to Elijah and put his hand on Elijah's arm.
"I'm not with Christine. Not anymore. As of this morning, we're divorced. I'm free if you'll take me."
Elijah could do nothing but stare at him. (What is he saying? What does that mean? Is he... Could he... Could we... Now?)
"But... The kids?"
"I'm still their father. Chris had no reason to take them away. I'm sorry it took this long for me to realize she shouldn't have taken you away from me, either. But you haven't answered yet. If there was a way, would you take me?"
"You're free?" Elijah wasn't getting it. It was too much too soon.
"Yes. Is it really that difficult to understand?"
"You want me? Even though it's been years?"
"I thought we already established that. Why else would I come here to beg for you to come back to me? Now, PLEASE, tell me what the answer is."
And Elijah was crying. He didn't know how to stop it, nor did he want to stop the tears from running down his face.
"Take a wild guess," he said right before jumping into Sean's arms, hugging and kissing him like he had wanted to do for years.
* * * * *
The image of Elijah's house went away just as quickly as it had appeared, and and Elijah was again on top of Sean. Right where he had been before that nice, sweet dream had come to him. Not that this dream didn't feel nice. He was sitting on Sean's thighs, legs on both sides. He put his hands on the face in front of him, caressing it. Sean moved slowly against the hand, touching the sweaty palm with his lips, letting the tip of his tongue slide on the skin, tasting the salt. Elijah's hands wandered on Sean's face, stroking the hair, petting the cheeks, closing the half-open eyelids with soft fingertips. He wanted Sean to enjoy what he was about to do to him.
Elijah's weight pushed Sean down, nailing him tightly to the bed. Elijah leaned closer to Sean's chest. He kissed the skin and the abdomen. Sean was slimmer than he had been before. He had been training, Elijah couldn't miss that. Elijah let his tongue come out and lick his own sweat off Sean's chest, making Sean tremble involuntarily under him.
With slow motions and sensual movements Elijah slid his tongue on Sean's chest, making circles and patterns on the warm skin. He put his mouth on one of Sean's nipples and licked it, first carefully, then demandingly. He bit it lightly, making Sean squirm and want more. Sean's hands were in his hair, brushing through the damp curls. Then they were going lower along Elijah's back, pushing Elijah closer to him.
Elijah sucked the nipple once more and moved on to the other one. He circled it with his tongue, tasting, playing, teasing. Sean was having a hard time under him, trying not to grasp Elijah's hair too intensely. Elijah took Sean's hands in his and raised his head, looking down at Sean who was lying there, eyes closed.
"Look at me," he said with a smooth, loving voice.
Sean did as he was told and looked at Elijah, eyes half-closed, look so full of pure lust for Elijah it was almost beyond comprehension.
"You are mine now," Elijah said. And that was all. He didn't have to say anything else. Sean didn't have to answer, because they both knew what the answer was.
Sean was hard. Rock hard. So hard Elijah couldn't help feeling a bit impressed. Had he done that? Had he caused the erection that was touching Elijah's waist when he leaned forward? Yes, it was all because of him. Sean wanted him. Elijah didn't have any intentions of not giving Sean what he wanted. What they both wanted.
Elijah looked deviously at Sean, let go of his hands and moved a bit back. Then he licked his lips with his tongue and lowered himself to Sean's cock. Sean closed his eyes. Elijah licked the hardness from top to bottom with slow movements that seemed to take forever to reach the end. He licked the tip, all swollen and red, gleaming in the dim light.
Elijah licked the head of Sean's penis, twirling his tongue around it. He took it between his lips and kissed it. Sean didn't know where to put his hands so he just clutched at the sheets, pushing his nails deeper and deeper into them.
Elijah took the cock deeper in his mouth, tasting it, sucking it, licking it, playing with it. He had learned to be very good at that. After Franka he had experimented on men, trying to find a substitute for Sean.
Elijah loved the smell of Sean. He squeezed the root of the penis while he took it even deeper into his mouth. Sean was breathing raggedly. He was moaning and whimpering, squeeping like a person who had forgotten he existed. He was way past shyness now. He didn't care who was there, doing what and to whom. All he knew was that it felt like nothing before. Elijah quickened his pace, sucking harder, until Sean couldn't take it anymore. He came in Elijah's throat, and Elijah swallowed as well as he could.
Some of the cum was still in his mouth when he got up, moved closer to Sean and kissed him. Sean was surpised at the taste of his own cum in Elijah's mouth. Sure, he had tasted it before. Name a guy who hasn't? But, to get it mixed with the taste of Elijah... That was something different.
Sean was trying to breathe normally after Elijah let go of his lips and laid himself next to Sean.
"Is it possible to love this much?" he asked Elijah in a quiet whisper. He wasn't a loud lover. He didn't scream in ecstasy. He was more intimate, more personal. Elijah liked it. It was something private, just for the two of them.
Sean had gathered himself when he finally raised his head and looked at Elijah who was there, right next to him. Still in jeans. Sean hadn't thought about that when he was trying to handle his own orgasm. He leaned closer to Elijah, kissed him deeply, his tongue exploring Elijah's, the two of them so combined it was near perfection. Their mouths were a perfect match, as were their tongues. He crawled closer to Elijah, and was soon lying on top of him, looking down. Elijah smiled happily against Sean's mouth.
* * * * *
In the dream Elijah was lying under Sean, right after he had given Sean a blowjob they both wanted and needed. In the dream Sean said all the words Elijah wanted to hear.
"You liked it," Elijah started, grinning.
"Of course. It was you."
Sean let go of Elijah's lips and they fell silent again. Sean sat up and let his hand wander further down Elijah's jeans, opening them button by button. Elijah raised his hips a bit so he could slip out of the thick fabric. Sean got up from the bed, walked to the other end, and started to pull Elijah's boxers off with his teeth, looking at him with a teasing grin. Sean dropped the boxers on the floor, and Elijah felt the fresh, cool air. Sean's hands came to rest softly on Elijah's crotch, petting the already hardened cock, which made Elijah take a deep breath. Then Elijah recovered from the moment and got his voice back.
"No. Sean. Don't," he sighed.
"What is it?" Sean asked with surprise and anxiety in his voice. Was Elijah going to back out again?
"No, it's not that. I want you. God knows I want you more than I've ever wanted anyone."
"But..?"
"I want to show you something."
"What is it?" Sean asked with a slight tone of uncertainty in his voice.
"You'll see," Elijah answered, getting up from the bed, showing Sean he should sit down and wait.
Elijah took out a little tube. Sean was staring at it in disbelief, especially after Elijah got his wicked grin on again. Sean lay on his back, not sure whether he should pick his clothes from the floor and run away, or stay and wait for what was going to happen. Was the tube what Sean thought it to be?
Elijah opened the tube, squeezed it a little, and dipped his thumb into the clear gel in his palm.
Yes. It was exactly what Sean thought it would be.
Elijah came back and spread Sean's legs.
"Just relax. I've done this before. I can guarantee you're going to love it."
* * * * *
In the dream Elijah would always be surprised by how deep his love for Sean really was. It felt strangely calming to look at Sean in front of him, completely willing to surrender to him, waiting for what was going to happen next. To be able to share the most intimate things with Sean was everything Elijah could ever hope for, and more. And making love to him was definitely intimate.
Sean didn't protest when Elijah slid his hand downwards along the inner thigh, towards the buttocks, putting the fingers between them, letting the thumb play around the opening. Sean looked very nervous but didn't stop him when he pushed the thumb deeper until it slid in without difficulties.
"Relax. Please."
Elijah moved his hand so that Sean could do nothing but whimper. He was lying on the bed, basically with a thumb in his ass. And he seemed to like it. Elijah's other four fingers were free to play with Sean's balls. Sean couldn't but get all aroused again. Elijah took more lube and spread it on his fingers. He took the index finger, put it inside Sean. Another finger followed soon. It was more difficult and Sean was feeling pain. Elijah could see it in Sean's face.
"I could never hurt you. You have to know that by now."
The two fingers were now inside, and Elijah was trying to get the third in. At first it didn't fit but then Sean managed to relax a bit and Elijah got the finger inside of him. Elijah took the fingers out, spread some lube on his own cock and moved closer. He lifted Sean's legs higher, which made Sean feel a bit embarrassed.
"Hey, it's alright. There's absolutely no reason to get embarrassed. I love you more than you could possibly know."
There was a silence in which Elijah allowed Sean to get a hold of himself.
"Can I do this?" he asked then.
Sean gave a slight nod. He couldn't back out now. He would give Elijah what he wanted. What they both wanted. So, he bit his lower lip when he was expecting Elijah to enter him. But Elijah didn't do that. Instead, he played with Sean. The soft head of Elijah's penis was moving back and forth around the opening. Elijah took a tighter grip of Sean's hips and moved closer, trying to get inside. Bit by bit he went deeper. Sean's eyes were full of tears of pain, his forehead full of sweat.
"You can turn back if you want. But this is the last time you can do that. Then it's too late."
Elijah wasn't so sure he could do that but he wanted Sean to feel safe.
But, Sean didn't back out. He nodded and tried to smile.
"I want this."
Soon Elijah was finally inside. It was a perfect fit, and Elijah was feeling dizzy. He was inside of Sean, giving, receiving. What more could he ever want from his life? He began to thrust in and out, slowly, making Sean get accustomed to the pace. The thrusts became deeper and quicker. Sean wasn't hurting anymore and opened his eyes, only a few inches away from Elijah's. The look was so full of love Elijah got a lump in his throat, and a warm feeling filled him completely. He gave Sean a little smile and kissed him. Closing their eyes and embracing each other they let go of everything around them.
Elijah released his right hand, took Sean's cock and rubbed it while he was pushing deeper. Sean, who was usually quiet, almost bit Elijah's lip and shouted in pleasure as they both came within seconds of each other. Afterwards they just lay there, Elijah inside of Sean, in Sean's lap.
When they got their strength back, Elijah slid out and lay on his back next to Sean. Then he turned to lie on his other side and looked at Sean who was still feeling quite numb and couldn't move. He just looked back at Elijah with all the love in his eyes, and opened his mouth to say something. The words didn't fit the picture at all.
"I just fucked a little kid who knows nothing. God knows I'll always hate myself for this."
Elijah didn't know what to do or say. The words hurt him more than ever. Sean looked at him in disgust.
"No. No, Sean! Don't do this!"
* * * * *
The nightmare always started the same way. Elijah made love to Sean. And, every time, it ended the same way, with Sean hating him more than anything in the world. How many times had Elijah had this dream? He had lost count. It was a never-ending nightmare. He was afraid he would never get over it. Every time it hurt a bit less, but to get all the pain go away would take two lifetimes.
No, Elijah had to live with his nightmare. He had to lose Sean every night. There was no other way for him. So, again he lay staring into the darkness around him. Knowing the ceiling was there. Knowing the darkness wasn't an endless pit in which he had fallen. Knowing all he had to do to make the darkness go away was to sit up and turn the lights on.
Still, he could hear his own quick breaths. Feel his own pulse. Shiver at the thought of the reocurring dream that never left him alone. Their first time after all those years. And it went wrong every time. Elijah couldn't believe. Couldn't trust. Not completely.
"Elijah? What is it? That dream again?" asked the worried voice next to him.
Sean's voice.
His hand on Elijah's bare chest.
In their bed.
Because, in the end, there was really only one way.
Their way.
---
The End.
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