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fellowshippers2002-10-15 01:14 am
sarahthesleuth.livejournal.com) wrote in fellowshippers2002-10-15 01:14 am
The One Down in Mine - DM/EW
*waves*
this is my first fic, so i'm a little nervous. please leave feedback so i know how to make them better. :) thank you!
Title: The One Down in Mine
Author: Sarah H. (schall at rmwc dot edu)
Pairing: DM/EW
Rating: PG-13
Summary: Sometimes the coping mechanism is worse than the cause.
Disclaimer: Don’t know them, don’t pretend to know them. This is from my own brain.
Authors Notes: Trigger warning - this involves self-injury. Also, this is what I guess you would call a “song-fic.” It’s centered around the song “The Origin of Love” from the musical/movie Hedwig and the Angry Inch. It’s really beautiful; you should listen to it sometime. It’s not necessary for this fic, but I think it greatly increases the understanding and enjoyment.
Thanks to![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
deliverme & dominatemeplz for beta-ing! *mwa* :)
------
When the earth was still flat
And the clouds made of fire
And the mountains stretched up to the sky
Sometimes higher...
With a sleepy sigh, Dominic rolled over, pulling the covers back over his shoulders. He reached for the familiar warmth, the soft body always just in arm's reach -- but met only a cold sheet, no indent in the mattress. Opening his eyes, he looked around, then sat up, scanning the darkened room. His brow furrowed slightly.
"Eli-" He began to call out, but was interrupted by a sound from the bathroom. The door was open, and a small choking sound drifted out that sounded suspiciously like crying. Weeping, even. Dominic threw off the covers and padded across the carpet to the bathroom door, quietly looking in.
What Dom saw inside made his heart leap into his throat.
Elijah was slumped against the bathroom wall, wedged between the sink and the shower, his head bowed. Barefoot and in only his boxers, his hair was an unkempt mess. One hand twisted within the locks, then covered his face, then grabbed at his own shoulder. But, tearstained as it was, his face was strangely calm. He looked up at Dominic, then quickly looked away.
Dom followed Elijah's gaze, and that was when he saw the blood. Elijah's left arm was a mess of red, a stark contrast to his otherwise pale skin. Twenty no, closer to thirty, or possibly more, how is that possible? lines crisscrossed and collided, intertwined and paralleled, running the length of his forearm. The blood had seeped and spread, smeared unevenly. A box cutter left over from when we painted the window frames why didn't we throw those away? lay on the tile beside Elijah's right leg, the metal hardly visible under the stain of red slowly turning to brown.
"Lij, I...what are you...?" Dom swallowed loudly, trying to comprehend what he was looking at, what was staring him in the face. oh my God I didn't even know you had that much blood in your arm He felt panic rising in chest, and before he could control himself, he emitted a strangled scream.
Lij's eyes shot up to Dom's, wide and suddenly not-so-calm.
"What did you do?" Dom screamed, grabbing onto the doorframe for stability, looking away from the eyes, the blood, the razor, the red it's so red that filled his vision. "What are you trying to do? What were you thinking?" He punctuated the last word, hitting his hand hard against the wall, making Elijah jump and making his nerves jump even higher, jangling and buzzing. Tears began to slide down Dom's cheeks as his vision suddenly blurred, his breath becoming ragged.
Suddenly, Elijah burst into violent, hysterical tears. "Stop it Dom! You're scaring me!"
"And what the fuck do you think you're doing to me?"
Lij jumped up from his place on the floor, but immediately hunched over, the weight of his grief apparently too much. He sobbed loudly. "It's not what you think..." He trailed off, unable to continue.
“Then please explain what the fuck it is!" Dom yelled, his chest now heaving as the intensity of his tears began to match Lij’s.
Lij attempted to look up at him, but his head was pulled back down by another fit of sobbing. “I...” He breathed in loudly. “Dom, I am so scared. I am so, so, so fucking scared of everything that’s going on, and I know I’m going to lose everything! I’m going to lose my job, my family...” He raised his head for a moment. “I’m going to lose you. I don’t know what to do and I’m so scared that everything’s going to turn to shit.” He crouched down, face in his hands and elbows on his knees.
And then fire shot down from the sky in bolts
Like shining blades of a knife
And it ripped right through the flesh
Of the children of the sun and the moon and the earth
“What, and killing yourself is going to help?” Dom ran a hand through his hair, pulling and tugging, trying to wake himself up from this horrible dream I’m going to lose him I’m going to lose him, this nightmare from which he couldn’t escape.
His reply was muffled. “I don’t want to kill myself, Dom.”
Dom lashed out. “Oh, so that's why you're digging trenches in your arm?"
Lij looked up angrily, his voice wavering but loud. “You don’t understand. You can’t understand!I am so fucking in love with you, Dom. I can’t even...I can’t even bear the thought of ever losing you. But I am tired -” He drew in a loud breath. “I am tired of having to hide, of not being able to hold your hand in public. I’m so fucking tired of having to lie to the press, my friends, my agent, even my own sister! I just want to be able to hug you, to kiss you, to put...I don’t know, to put my arm around your waist when we’re sitting somewhere.”
Dom’s face began to soften.
“But Dom...” Another wave of tears hit Lij hard, and he had to take several moments to compose himself before going on. “Dom, acting is my life. Acting is my fucking life. I have so much more at stake than you do. I can't imagine myself doing anything besides that, I couldn’t do anything besides acting. I wouldn’t be able to live. And I am...I am so scared that if anyone finds out about us that my career will be over. I’ve got this stupid fucking teen idol status, and they’re so weird about Lord of the Rings...” He sniffed loudly. “I’d be blacklisted. Fucking blacklisted in Hollywood at 21 years old.”
Looking down at his arm, Lij seemed to suddenly realize what he had just done, and he let out a tear-soaked scream. “Oh my God, fuck! How am I going to explain this? Reshoots, and interviews, and whatever the hell else I’m dragged into - what am I going to do?!” He hugged the arm to his chest and shoved past Dom, running out of the bathroom.
“Lij, shit, wait!” Dom turned quickly, grabbing Lij only a few steps into the bedroom. Lij turned around and swung wildly at Dom’s face, his eyes red-rimmed and flashing with rage. Dom’s head whipped to the side with the impact, and he felt a sticky wetness on his cheek is that what I think it is?, clinging to his shadowy stubble.
“Just don't fucking touch me, Dom!” Lij yelled, tears spilling onto his cheek again. Without thinking, he reached up and wiped his eyes on his forearm. His eyes stung as the saltwater tears mixed with the new wetness from his arm. Blinking, he looked up at Dom.
The last time I saw you, we had just split in two
You were looking at me, I was looking at you
You had a way sort of familiar, but I could not recognize
‘Cause you had blood on your face
I had blood in my eyes
They both stared silently at each other. Dom could feel the blood on his face slowly beginning to harden, and Lij continued to blink, attempting to clear his vision. Slowly, he reached his hands up and rubbed his eyes.
Dom stepped forward and took Elijah’s hands in his own, stopping him. His eyes searched Lij’s face, streaked and red - What would they think of their teen dream if they could see him now? Dom opened his mouth to speak, but before a word could come out, Lij slowly crumpled to the ground, hands still in Dom’s, weeping. Really weeping, from the depths of a soul Dom realized he had never really explored before now. And with this realization, Dom sank down to the floor with Lij, his own heart rending, his own tears God they just don’t stop coming flowing freely.
Time seemed to stand still. They both wept and wept, for reasons that were both very different and very similar. Crouched on the carpet at the foot of their bed, they held each other, gripping as though they were teetering on the edge of a precipice, the wind whipping them and loosening their hold.
Finally, Lij cleared his throat and spoke. “Dom, I...I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I don’t understand why I did that. I just kind of...” He wiped his eyes and breathed in quickly. “I kind of thought that, if I could somehow make my pain and my fears...physical? That they wouldn’t...” He choked back a tear. “That I could get them out of me. That they wouldn’t hurt so much anymore.” He buried his face in Dom’s shoulder and cried again. Dom shifted his weight and carefully pulled Lij onto his lap, into his arms, ignoring the bloody mess smeared on his undershirt. Lij put his head on Dom’s chest, and Dom kissed the top of his head, stroking his hair, a few straggling tears rolling slowly down his cheeks.
“I love you Elijah,” Dom began, his voice gruff but strong. “I’m not going anywhere. I’m staying right here. And I love you, no matter what you decide to do about us. If you’re not ready to be out yet, that’s fine. If you are ready, I’ll stand right beside you. And if...” His voice gave out suddenly. “And if you need to break it off...” Lij held him even tighter. Dom stopped speaking, and kissed him again.
After a few more minutes, Dom slowly stood up, Lij still in his arms. He walked over to the bed and laid Lij down, pulling the covers up over him. He then walked over to the other side and crawled in beside him. Lij turned to face him.
“I love you,” Dom whispered. He took Elijah’s hand and pulled it to him. Then, gently, tenderly, he began kissing the cuts, freshly scabbed over. “I’m sorry. I wish you didn’t feel like you need to do this.” He continued kissing, moving down Lij’s arm. “But if you need to...” He finished, and put Lij’s arm back down, looking at him. “I’ll always be here to comfort you.”
Lij’s lower lip trembled. “I don't know what I'd do if I lost you...” Dom took Elijah’s face in his hands, stopping him. He gave Lij a slow, sweet kiss, then pressed his forehead to Lij’s.
“You are my missing part.” Dom said softly. “I can’t lose you.”
Finally, Elijah ventured a small smile. He turned away, settling down to sleep. After a few seconds, Dom wrapped both of his arms around Lij, and pulled Lij to him, as close as possible. Lij settled in, the warmth of their bodies mixing, their hearts beating together. Dom put his chin on Elijah’s shoulder, and slowly drifted off to sleep.
It was a cold dark evening such a long time ago
When by the mighty hand of Jove,
It was a sad story how we became lonely, two-legged creatures
The story of the origin of love
That’s the origin of love
this is my first fic, so i'm a little nervous. please leave feedback so i know how to make them better. :) thank you!
Title: The One Down in Mine
Author: Sarah H. (schall at rmwc dot edu)
Pairing: DM/EW
Rating: PG-13
Summary: Sometimes the coping mechanism is worse than the cause.
Disclaimer: Don’t know them, don’t pretend to know them. This is from my own brain.
Authors Notes: Trigger warning - this involves self-injury. Also, this is what I guess you would call a “song-fic.” It’s centered around the song “The Origin of Love” from the musical/movie Hedwig and the Angry Inch. It’s really beautiful; you should listen to it sometime. It’s not necessary for this fic, but I think it greatly increases the understanding and enjoyment.
Thanks to
deliverme & dominatemeplz for beta-ing! *mwa* :)------
When the earth was still flat
And the clouds made of fire
And the mountains stretched up to the sky
Sometimes higher...
With a sleepy sigh, Dominic rolled over, pulling the covers back over his shoulders. He reached for the familiar warmth, the soft body always just in arm's reach -- but met only a cold sheet, no indent in the mattress. Opening his eyes, he looked around, then sat up, scanning the darkened room. His brow furrowed slightly.
"Eli-" He began to call out, but was interrupted by a sound from the bathroom. The door was open, and a small choking sound drifted out that sounded suspiciously like crying. Weeping, even. Dominic threw off the covers and padded across the carpet to the bathroom door, quietly looking in.
What Dom saw inside made his heart leap into his throat.
Elijah was slumped against the bathroom wall, wedged between the sink and the shower, his head bowed. Barefoot and in only his boxers, his hair was an unkempt mess. One hand twisted within the locks, then covered his face, then grabbed at his own shoulder. But, tearstained as it was, his face was strangely calm. He looked up at Dominic, then quickly looked away.
Dom followed Elijah's gaze, and that was when he saw the blood. Elijah's left arm was a mess of red, a stark contrast to his otherwise pale skin. Twenty no, closer to thirty, or possibly more, how is that possible? lines crisscrossed and collided, intertwined and paralleled, running the length of his forearm. The blood had seeped and spread, smeared unevenly. A box cutter left over from when we painted the window frames why didn't we throw those away? lay on the tile beside Elijah's right leg, the metal hardly visible under the stain of red slowly turning to brown.
"Lij, I...what are you...?" Dom swallowed loudly, trying to comprehend what he was looking at, what was staring him in the face. oh my God I didn't even know you had that much blood in your arm He felt panic rising in chest, and before he could control himself, he emitted a strangled scream.
Lij's eyes shot up to Dom's, wide and suddenly not-so-calm.
"What did you do?" Dom screamed, grabbing onto the doorframe for stability, looking away from the eyes, the blood, the razor, the red it's so red that filled his vision. "What are you trying to do? What were you thinking?" He punctuated the last word, hitting his hand hard against the wall, making Elijah jump and making his nerves jump even higher, jangling and buzzing. Tears began to slide down Dom's cheeks as his vision suddenly blurred, his breath becoming ragged.
Suddenly, Elijah burst into violent, hysterical tears. "Stop it Dom! You're scaring me!"
"And what the fuck do you think you're doing to me?"
Lij jumped up from his place on the floor, but immediately hunched over, the weight of his grief apparently too much. He sobbed loudly. "It's not what you think..." He trailed off, unable to continue.
“Then please explain what the fuck it is!" Dom yelled, his chest now heaving as the intensity of his tears began to match Lij’s.
Lij attempted to look up at him, but his head was pulled back down by another fit of sobbing. “I...” He breathed in loudly. “Dom, I am so scared. I am so, so, so fucking scared of everything that’s going on, and I know I’m going to lose everything! I’m going to lose my job, my family...” He raised his head for a moment. “I’m going to lose you. I don’t know what to do and I’m so scared that everything’s going to turn to shit.” He crouched down, face in his hands and elbows on his knees.
And then fire shot down from the sky in bolts
Like shining blades of a knife
And it ripped right through the flesh
Of the children of the sun and the moon and the earth
“What, and killing yourself is going to help?” Dom ran a hand through his hair, pulling and tugging, trying to wake himself up from this horrible dream I’m going to lose him I’m going to lose him, this nightmare from which he couldn’t escape.
His reply was muffled. “I don’t want to kill myself, Dom.”
Dom lashed out. “Oh, so that's why you're digging trenches in your arm?"
Lij looked up angrily, his voice wavering but loud. “You don’t understand. You can’t understand!I am so fucking in love with you, Dom. I can’t even...I can’t even bear the thought of ever losing you. But I am tired -” He drew in a loud breath. “I am tired of having to hide, of not being able to hold your hand in public. I’m so fucking tired of having to lie to the press, my friends, my agent, even my own sister! I just want to be able to hug you, to kiss you, to put...I don’t know, to put my arm around your waist when we’re sitting somewhere.”
Dom’s face began to soften.
“But Dom...” Another wave of tears hit Lij hard, and he had to take several moments to compose himself before going on. “Dom, acting is my life. Acting is my fucking life. I have so much more at stake than you do. I can't imagine myself doing anything besides that, I couldn’t do anything besides acting. I wouldn’t be able to live. And I am...I am so scared that if anyone finds out about us that my career will be over. I’ve got this stupid fucking teen idol status, and they’re so weird about Lord of the Rings...” He sniffed loudly. “I’d be blacklisted. Fucking blacklisted in Hollywood at 21 years old.”
Looking down at his arm, Lij seemed to suddenly realize what he had just done, and he let out a tear-soaked scream. “Oh my God, fuck! How am I going to explain this? Reshoots, and interviews, and whatever the hell else I’m dragged into - what am I going to do?!” He hugged the arm to his chest and shoved past Dom, running out of the bathroom.
“Lij, shit, wait!” Dom turned quickly, grabbing Lij only a few steps into the bedroom. Lij turned around and swung wildly at Dom’s face, his eyes red-rimmed and flashing with rage. Dom’s head whipped to the side with the impact, and he felt a sticky wetness on his cheek is that what I think it is?, clinging to his shadowy stubble.
“Just don't fucking touch me, Dom!” Lij yelled, tears spilling onto his cheek again. Without thinking, he reached up and wiped his eyes on his forearm. His eyes stung as the saltwater tears mixed with the new wetness from his arm. Blinking, he looked up at Dom.
The last time I saw you, we had just split in two
You were looking at me, I was looking at you
You had a way sort of familiar, but I could not recognize
‘Cause you had blood on your face
I had blood in my eyes
They both stared silently at each other. Dom could feel the blood on his face slowly beginning to harden, and Lij continued to blink, attempting to clear his vision. Slowly, he reached his hands up and rubbed his eyes.
Dom stepped forward and took Elijah’s hands in his own, stopping him. His eyes searched Lij’s face, streaked and red - What would they think of their teen dream if they could see him now? Dom opened his mouth to speak, but before a word could come out, Lij slowly crumpled to the ground, hands still in Dom’s, weeping. Really weeping, from the depths of a soul Dom realized he had never really explored before now. And with this realization, Dom sank down to the floor with Lij, his own heart rending, his own tears God they just don’t stop coming flowing freely.
Time seemed to stand still. They both wept and wept, for reasons that were both very different and very similar. Crouched on the carpet at the foot of their bed, they held each other, gripping as though they were teetering on the edge of a precipice, the wind whipping them and loosening their hold.
Finally, Lij cleared his throat and spoke. “Dom, I...I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I don’t understand why I did that. I just kind of...” He wiped his eyes and breathed in quickly. “I kind of thought that, if I could somehow make my pain and my fears...physical? That they wouldn’t...” He choked back a tear. “That I could get them out of me. That they wouldn’t hurt so much anymore.” He buried his face in Dom’s shoulder and cried again. Dom shifted his weight and carefully pulled Lij onto his lap, into his arms, ignoring the bloody mess smeared on his undershirt. Lij put his head on Dom’s chest, and Dom kissed the top of his head, stroking his hair, a few straggling tears rolling slowly down his cheeks.
“I love you Elijah,” Dom began, his voice gruff but strong. “I’m not going anywhere. I’m staying right here. And I love you, no matter what you decide to do about us. If you’re not ready to be out yet, that’s fine. If you are ready, I’ll stand right beside you. And if...” His voice gave out suddenly. “And if you need to break it off...” Lij held him even tighter. Dom stopped speaking, and kissed him again.
After a few more minutes, Dom slowly stood up, Lij still in his arms. He walked over to the bed and laid Lij down, pulling the covers up over him. He then walked over to the other side and crawled in beside him. Lij turned to face him.
“I love you,” Dom whispered. He took Elijah’s hand and pulled it to him. Then, gently, tenderly, he began kissing the cuts, freshly scabbed over. “I’m sorry. I wish you didn’t feel like you need to do this.” He continued kissing, moving down Lij’s arm. “But if you need to...” He finished, and put Lij’s arm back down, looking at him. “I’ll always be here to comfort you.”
Lij’s lower lip trembled. “I don't know what I'd do if I lost you...” Dom took Elijah’s face in his hands, stopping him. He gave Lij a slow, sweet kiss, then pressed his forehead to Lij’s.
“You are my missing part.” Dom said softly. “I can’t lose you.”
Finally, Elijah ventured a small smile. He turned away, settling down to sleep. After a few seconds, Dom wrapped both of his arms around Lij, and pulled Lij to him, as close as possible. Lij settled in, the warmth of their bodies mixing, their hearts beating together. Dom put his chin on Elijah’s shoulder, and slowly drifted off to sleep.
It was a cold dark evening such a long time ago
When by the mighty hand of Jove,
It was a sad story how we became lonely, two-legged creatures
The story of the origin of love
That’s the origin of love
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lovely
beautiful.
*2 thumbs up*
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