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My first lotrps fic, a Viggo/Orlando that would not be in this community were it not for

1420. I'm sketchy on the title, but for now it's called What Is Left To Him. Any other suggestions would be welcome, because I completely suck at titles.

I don't do ratings, but let's call it an R for the sake of argument. I'm looking for any serious critical feedback anyone wants to throw my way. I don't know why I had to pick the hardest possible character to start out with, but there you go.

What Is Left To Him

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That was outstanding. I'm not very good at feedback so this will probably just be me gushing at you but I though that it was incredibly well written and the characterisation was fantastic. It sounds so clichéd but I could sense the pain and difficulty (etc). Vivid.
Thank you.

I loved this, and I love your title.

Time it was what a time it was it was...

i really liked that. im not too good with feedback, but i really liked the way you described things, and your choice of words. not overdone.

hope you dont mind if i friend you.

You're just fine at feedback. You left some. ;-)

I was trying really hard to make his emotions palpable and you make me feel as if I've succeeded. And man, the characterization. That was my biggest concern with Viggo, so thank you for saying that.

Also, your icon? tres funny.

Thank you! Your icon rocks. Bendy thing indeed.

Again, you hit on the things that I was most worried about, so your feedback is perfect.

Thank you.

Finally, he gave in, reaching out a hand to touch ever so gently, but he hesitated at the last second, fingers hovering in the shimmer of heat emanating from Orli's body, as if he'd come into contact with the electricity that radiated from him even in sleep. It sparked along his arm like a livewire. -- This is absolutely palpable. The tension is so thick you could cut it. Just wonderful.

It is why Dom had so many friends around him during his bout of depression, why Ian spent a week in Sheffield at the tail end of Bean's last divorce. -- I love this. It's said so casually, but it speaks volumes. Well done.

Okay... if they don't end up back together, I'm going to cry.

That is so sad. At least he's on the road to revcovery.

Okay, general feedback and criticism... Not too much to critisize, really.

1) Purely from a publisher's standpoint, they're going to want it written in past tense, instead of present. Personally, I also prefer last tense, but I surely won't hold present tense against you.
2) You wrote the whole thing in "deep penetration" which was both impressive and powerful.
3) There are several paragraphs that have a "subject sentence" problem. A little varying of the sentence structure goes a long way. There's an exercise that I do. I write down the first word of every sentence, and then go down the list marking all the ones that begin with the subject of the sentence (ie, the noun or pronoun that is the subject, or an adjective or article adjective that modifies the noun or pronoun which is the subject.) That way I can see if I have too many subject sentences in a row. As an aside, I have to mention that while subject sentences tend to make the writing seem flat or stagnant, even your paragraphs that had this problem flowed very well... which is extremely unusual and very impressive.
4) I love the character relationships you've established. They were explored very well.

Overall, I would say that if you fleshed this out and changed the character names, this piece would be fit for publication in a magazine, without a doubt. You have an easy style and though the form could stand to be tweaked just a bit, it all flows really well. I'd give this a 4.7 out of 5.

If I used any terminology with which you are unfamiliar, feel free to contact me for clarification. All my messenger info is listed in my user profile. :)

Love,
Julie-Rae

Okay... if they don't end up back together, I'm going to cry.

I'll never tell. I'll never tell. Well, if I ever finish, then I'll tell, but not before then. ;-) There is, however, a whole past and future that're in my head already.

1) Purely from a publisher's standpoint, they're going to want it written in past tense, instead of present. Personally, I also prefer last tense, but I surely won't hold present tense against you.

I'm a pretty big fan of present tense because it's just easier to write - a lot less past perfect and timing calculations. Though I ran into those here because Viggo manages to remember two different time periods at the same time. Wanker.

3) There are several paragraphs that have a "subject sentence" problem. A little varying of the sentence structure goes a long way.

Yeah, I know. I try to fix it, but sometimes I can't find a way around starting yet another paragraph with "He". It's particularly difficult here, because I was writing in deep penetration, as you said, and a person doesn't typically think of themselves by their first name.

Do you have any suggestions on how I can work around it? Because it's getting worse with the fic I'm working on now, which is second person, so that I don't even have the option of the name, it's all "You".

I have to mention that while subject sentences tend to make the writing seem flat or stagnant, even your paragraphs that had this problem flowed very well... which is extremely unusual and very impressive.

Thank you! I pretty much, when I'm unable to come up with a different way to start, I go for better sentences as a whole over ruining the pacing by turning something inside out, if that makes sense.

Overall, I would say that if you fleshed this out and changed the character names, this piece would be fit for publication in a magazine, without a doubt.

I. wow. That's really the most amazing thing. I don't have any desire to publish - I like fanfic because there's no character introduction and far less exposition, which used to bog me down terribly when I did OF - but that's such an incredible thing to have someone say.

Don't worry about the terminology; I'm a grammar whore myself. I can't, for obvious reasons, beta my own stuff after a point, but I used to proofread in college. You'd be amazed how badly some people write formal essays.

Thank you for all of your comments, especially the criticisms. It's the only way I know to become a stronger writer, which is the idea, I think.

I actually don't have anything critical to say. I thought the title was great, and loved the rest of the story so much that I recced it in my community,

dreamfellowship. I try not to ask writers this, since I've got some work that's been on the backburner forever and hate being pressured about it, but you have more coming? Excellent!

Well, thank you! I don't mind that you rec'd it - I'm honored, obviously. It's really cool when someone takes the time to do that.

I'm... working on something. I'm superstistious, so let's leave it at that.

Though I ran into those here because Viggo manages to remember two different time periods at the same time. Wanker. -- *giggle* Yes, whatever they can do to get on your nerves...

Do you have any suggestions on how I can work around it? -- Change the sentence structure around. Start with an adverb or a prepositional phrase or ANYTHING other than the subject of the sentence. Try not to have more than 2 subject sentences in a row.

And actually, I am always looking for good betas with a strong grasp of both grammar and the industry. Would you be willing to take a look at some things at some point?

Love,
Julie-Rae

Sorry it's taken me so long to get back to this. I hope you get this, as your email's not listed on your user info.

I'd be more than happy to look at some things of yours. Are they fanfic or OF? My second story is. I wouldn't say it's coming along nicely per se, but I am beating it into submission. Could we work out a beta trade?

Email me (mailto:harley@muchly.net) and if I don't hear from you, I'll drop a comment in your journal or something. I know not everyone gets emailed comments.

My e-mail isn't listed? Were you signed in when you checked? I know it's there. Maybe it's friends only. I'm not sure. Anyway, my e-mail is Yakkorat@hotmail.com . Sene me an e-mail and I'll add you to my beta folder. :) Right now I'm bogged down, but I'd definitely be interested in a beta trade.

Love,
Julie-Rae

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