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World Trip - Chapter 14
Title: World Trip 14/?
Author/Email: Salogel (salogel42@hotmail.com)
Pairing: Dom/Elijah
Rating: 15 (for lots of swearing)
Summary: Delayed at Munich Airport
Warning: Major angst
Additional Info for this chapter: Dom’s dream can be read here.
Feedback: Yes please
Archive: LOTR Gutter
Disclaimer: None of this happened or will ever happen. It is all made up in my overactive mind.
Additional Notes: Any flashbacks are written as they happened, and not necessarily as a point of view.
Previous chapters can be found here.
World Trip
Chapter 14 – Munich Airport and Elijah’s account of The Romantic Road
“What did she say?” Elijah looked at Dominic’s weary face, as he returned from the airport information desk for the second time that afternoon.
“They don’t know how long. An hour, two hours, maybe three. Who the fuck knows, Lij, they certainly don’t.”
Elijah shrugged his travel bag back onto his shoulder. “Shall we get a coffee?”
Dominic nodded, there was little else to do.
Munich airport was big and extremely busy, just like any other major airport. But when you had been stuck in it for nearly half the day, its appeal soon began to wear thin. A problem with the engine, that’s what all the delayed passengers had been told. The engineers were working on it right now. Great! They were about to get on an airplane, which had a problem with its engine. Fucking fantastic. Weren’t they going to look forward to boarding that plane?
“Dom, don’t look so worried.” Elijah took hold of Dominic’s hand as they made their way to one of the self-service cafés in their terminal. “The plane won’t fly, if they can’t fix it.”
“Yeah, right.” Dominic didn’t sound in the least bit convinced. An hour and a half, that was all. Ninety fucking minutes from their next destination, and they were holed up here with two hundred other delayed passengers wondering when they would finally leave, and if would they be fucking killed on route.
“Dom…” Elijah could feel the grip of Dominic’s hand increasing on his. “Dom…” Elijah stopped in his tracks pulling Dominic around to face him. He knew what he was thinking. “Dom, it was a bad dream, that’s all. Don’t you go thinking about it. We’ll be on that plane soon and in Budapest before you know it.” Elijah looked into Dominic’s very worried eyes, and he could see how frightened he was. “It was just a dream, Dommie…”
Dominic swallowed hard, trying to push the awful nightmare he’d had the night before away. But it refused to budge. It had been so fucking real and he had woken up screaming, scaring Elijah half to death. Sleep had evaded him from then on, and had remained awake for most of the night. Elijah too, reassuring him that everything was ok. That he was here, alive and well, and not cold and dead. Fucking cold and dead. Dominic felt a wave of fear course through his veins, as tears prickled the corners of his eyes. Just a fucking dream…
Elijah sat down at a small table and watched Dominic order the coffees. They’d had such a wonderful time over the past few days, taking things at a slower pace, visiting village after village, hamlet after hamlet. There had been no rush to get up in the mornings, and they had enjoyed early nights together in front of roaring log fires in quaint little guesthouses. But now Dominic was wearing that worried and haunted expression again. The same look that befell him on their last day in Berlin. He had been practically inconsolable last night, after whatever it was he dreamt. Elijah had tried to calm him down, and it had taken a while. ‘You were dead Lij, you were dead.’ Dominic had said it over and over, despite Elijah’s reassuring arms around him.
Dominic placed the tray of coffees and pastries down on to the table in front of Elijah and then more or less flopped down onto the chair next to him.
“Thanks…” Elijah smiled at him, and noticed the dark circles under his eyes, highlighted by the bright overhead lights. “It won’t be long, Dom.” Elijah kissed him quickly on the cheek.
Dominic just looked at Elijah, and then sighed loudly as he reached out for his drink.
**
“Well?” Elijah looked up hopefully at Dominic. They had made progress, and had been sitting in the departure lounge for over an hour.
“It’s fucking shite, that’s all!” Dominic took his seat next to Elijah. Christ these chairs were fucking uncomfortable, especially after sitting in them for fucking hours!
Elijah could see the bad mood that Dominic was descending into, and that added to the exhaustion he obviously felt, wasn’t adding up to a very good combination.
“Just think of our next hotel, Dom.”
“I can’t!” Dominic folded his arms in protest. He didn’t like airports at the best of times; let alone fucking setting up home in one.
“Think of those warms spas, just waiting for us…”
“Yeah, nice…” Dominic glared at one of the airport staff as they walked past them.
“Relaxing, invigorating… inspiring…”
Dominic stared at the back of the head of an unknown passenger sitting two seats in front of him. Christ he was so fucking tired, fucking shit scared of boarding the plane, and there was Elijah going on about warm baths and fucking god knows what else.
“Can’t we Dom…?”
Elijah looked at Dominic and knew he hadn’t been listening to a word he was saying. “Dom…?”
“What?” Dominic snapped back at him.
“What the fuck is up with you?” Elijah suddenly felt pissed off. “You’ve been moping about all day, and don’t say it’s the fucking dream.”
Dominic looked at Elijah with a ‘I can’t believe you said that’ look, and then he got up onto his feet and began to walk away.
“Where you going?” Elijah grabbed hold of Dominic’s hand, but he yanked it back.
“Away from you…”
“What?” Elijah stood up and looked at Dominic, but he was pushed aside as Dominic brushed past him.
“Just leave me alone, Elijah.”
Elijah turned and watched Dominic walk off. He felt crushed. He quickly looked around at all the other passengers in the departure lounge, but they were all involved in their own little worlds, totally oblivious to him and to Dominic, who had just disappeared through a set of double doors.
Elijah looked at Dominic’s abandoned travel bag, and then at his own, wondering whether or not to leave them there or take them with him. He wasn’t going to let Dominic wander off like that, in the mood he was in. “Shit!” Elijah dumped his bag on top of Dominic’s and then he took off after him.
Dominic stumbled along the wide corridor looking for the men’s restroom, and when he saw it he pushed the door open and walked in. There was an elderly man washing his hands at one of the basins, but Dominic ignored him and walked to the far end of the room, and just stood there gripping onto the small sink, and looking into the wall mirror at the reflection of himself. He looked like fucking shit, he felt like fucking shit, and he’d just lost it with Elijah. What was he fucking doing?
It was these fucking feelings. These feelings of fear, they hadn’t gone. He thought he’d suppressed them, forced them back down into that black hole in his mind. Locked them away again, shut them back up forever. Elijah wouldn’t understand them, he would fucking scare him off again. And maybe this time for fucking good. Christ he was such a fucking freak.
“Fuck…fuck…fuck!” Dominic balled his fist and hit the wall beside him.
The elderly man looked at him, and then quickly made his exit, hardly registering Elijah’s entrance in through the doors as they passed by each other.
“Get a fucking grip.” Dominic closed his eyes, and then quickly opened them again as vivid images of Elijah lying dead in his arms came flashing back to him. “No…” his voice was a whimper. “It was just a dream, it won’t happen… it can’t happen…”
“Dom…?”
Dominic turned his head to see Elijah standing just a few feet away from him.
“Dom, I’m sorry… I shouldn’t have…”
Dominic blinked back his tears. “Oh… Lij…” his voice cracked.
Elijah quickly walked forwards and took Dominic into his arms, and as he felt Dominic’s trembling body encircle his own he felt relief wash over him. “What is it, Dom?” he whispered gently. “Why are you so upset… please… please tell me.” Elijah pulled himself back so that he could look into Dominic’s face. “Please, baby… you’re scaring me here. What is it? What’s wrong? Why are you like this?”
“You were dead…” Dominic’s voice was barely audible, and then a sob broke free, as he pulled Elijah back into him. “You were dead, and there was nothing I could do…”
“Hey…” Elijah held Dominic tightly to him. “Come on, now. I can’t believe you’re letting this upset you so much.”
He had to say it, he had too…had too… “I can’t ever lose you Elijah.” Dominic’s voice was muffled as he hugged Elijah to him, just saying those very words sounded like the portent of doom.
“Lose me?” Elijah pulled back slightly. “Dominic? Lose me?”
“Not ever, Lij…” Dominic couldn’t lift his head. Elijah must think I’m a crazy fucked up cunt.
“Dom…?” Elijah pulled his head back further forcing Dominic to look at him.
“I can’t live without you…” Dominic thought the words must sound insane, and he felt like his heart was breaking as he looked into Elijah’s worried face. Then he started to cry.
“My God… Dom.” Elijah felt his throat tighten, as he held Dominic tightly to himself again. “I don’t know why you are thinking this, Dom, I don’t. But you’re never going to lose me. I don’t know why you think you’re going to lose me. I love you so much.”
Dominic finally felt his emotions pouring out of him. They had been building up since the fucking wall thing in Berlin, and then last night. Last night, holding Elijah’s cold unmoving body in his arms. Thinking that his world had ended, and then waking to find it had been a fucking nightmare. Thank fucking god it hadn’t been real. But that dream has caused his fear to triple in its intensity, and he thought he was going to go out of his fucking mind. I can’t live without you, Lij. You are my fucking life, and always have been. You’re fucking everything…everything.
Elijah wasn’t sure how long he stood there holding Dominic, if it had taken all night then that would have been fine. If they had missed their already delayed flight, then that would have been fine too. Dominic was obviously hurting, hurting so badly, and all he wanted to do, was just fix him, help him. Make him better again. Make whatever fear he had go away. Fucking flush it out of his mind, because it seemed to be eating at him. Eating at his very soul.
“Dommie…” Elijah stroked the back of Dominic’s head, trying to sooth away the anguish he felt. “Dom… we can’t stay in here. Shall we go back and sit down, and then you can talk to me. Ok? Ok, baby? And I mean talk to me, properly. Tell me everything.”
Elijah felt Dominic nod his head against his shoulder. “Come on then.” Elijah pulled back and looked at Dominic’s wet face. Then he kissed him on the lips, and he kept his mouth there when he heard someone come into the washroom, and it was still there when that person had left. When he pulled his mouth away, he saw that Dominic looked a little calmer. “Love you, Dom.” He kissed him once more, before taking hold of his hand and leading him back to their seats in the departure lounge.
***
The seat belt light flickered off, and Elijah looked at his watch. Midnight. Their flight had been scheduled for 4pm that afternoon. Eight hours hanging around that airport, fucking unbelievable, and it had to be one of the flights when he had decided not to book first class, because of the short duration of the trip. Got that wrong Elwood, didn’t you, you fucking idiot! He sighed and then turned his head to look at Dominic and noticed how very pale he looked, ashen even, in the eerie glow of the overhead cabin lights.
“You ok, Dommie?” he whispered, squeezing Dominic’s hand which had been in his since the aircraft had began its taxiing on the runway.
Dominic didn’t answer Elijah’s question, he just nodded very slightly. He felt drained and exhausted, and utterly convinced that they were not going to make it to Hungary. And despite this unfounded knowledge he could feel sleep creeping up on him, and fuck it, he didn’t want to fall asleep. He wanted to be awake, holding Elijah during their last moments together, telling him that he loved him. He had to tell him that before there was nothing, nothing left at all.
Elijah saw Dominic’s eyes close, and it wasn’t long before the grip on his hand slackened. He pulled out one of the airport blankets from the back of the seat in front of him, and draped it over Dominic’s slumbering body. Sleep was what Dominic needed, more than anything. He had been awake for almost 24 hours, well they both had. Hopefully he would be able to think more clearly when he woke up. Elijah leant over and quickly kissed him on the mouth, and he wanted to do nothing more than snuggle up beside him, rest his head on his shoulder and fall asleep too. But he needed to write. Write down his thoughts and feelings. Dominic had been full of pain and anguish as he spoke to him back in the airport, and he needed to write down some of his own feelings now. He had listened and reassured Dominic, told him that he felt the same way. Told him that he loved him so much. God wasn’t he so descriptive? And now, more than ever he knew that his gift, his surprise that he had lined up for Dominic, for them both, would mean more than anything. In fact, he knew that this gift would banish all fears that Dominic was harboring of ‘losing him’, forever.
Elijah removed his journal from his bag, and after accepting coffee from one of the stewards (how many cups was that today?) he looked through his entries since Berlin and wondered if he could see any clues there. Clues to Dominic’s state of mind since he mentioned the fucking Berlin Wall separation scenario. How the fuck was I to know, Dommie? And as he read through them, there were hints, but Dominic had hidden them so well. Too well, baby… He glanced down at Dominic’s sleeping form. The worried frown had eased from his forehead; the tension from around his eyes had slipped away. Dominic looked very peaceful… thank fuck.
28 January 2005
It’s just about the end of my birthday now, and I’ve left Dom asleep in the bed of hay. Fucking bed of hay, can you believe it? He is so fantastic! I bet he doesn’t know just how fantastic he really is. But I do, and I guess that’s what really counts.
I’ve just phoned mom, she said she had been waiting for my call, so she is pretty happy now. I didn’t tell her that we were staying in a barn; she’d never believe it anyway. But this birthday has been great, from the moment I woke up, to… well this very second, but I did wonder how today would be, because last night Dominic was so quiet. So unusually quite and I so wanted him to talk to me, but he didn’t, all he wanted to do was hold me, and I knew that he was crying to himself as he did so, and it was fucking tearing me apart. I tried to ask him several times what was wrong, but all he did was hold me even tighter.
What is it Dom? Why can’t you tell me?
…
So today was great. Fucking brilliant. So much thought went into it…. And Budapest, I can’t think at all what Dom has got me in Budapest, not at all… but whatever it is will be amazing, that I can count on…
Love you Dom, and thank you.
***
30 January 2005
Rothenburg…. this town is fucking amazing. Really. I could live here. Dom said he could live here. It’s like a time warp, apart from the cars. It was like being back in the medieval days.
And this place absolutely fascinates me. I was dragging Dom down one cobbled street after another, and he could barely keep up with my enthusiasm. But it was like being in the middle of a fairy tale. A real fairy tale, not a Disney one, and I know that’s sounds dumb, but I can’t explain it any other way.
And Dom just about died laughing when I said that I wanted to see where the rats were kept. I mean I was fucking deadly serious, it said so on the little map. Rathaus. So I wanted to see it. I didn’t know if was the fucking Town Hall… Christ, Dom laughed so much, which set me off. We were asked to leave… and the bastard didn’t let me forget about it all day.
But it was great to see Dom laughing. He’s been so serious over these past couple of days, barely a smile, and has been sticking to my side like glue, never letting me out of his sight. Fuck knows where he thinks I am going to disappear to.
Fucking Rat House…
***
3 February 2005
Today is going to be one of those days that I won’t forget. Firstly because of the amazing place that we went too, and secondly, well… I said something to Dom which was… was…
well, not stupid. Christ, how do I write this down?
I can’t express myself; I’m crap at expressing myself, not like Dom. He says the most wonderful things to me, really beautiful things, and he doesn’t have to think about them, because it’s how he is. He’s full of compassion, and love and he really wears his heart on his sleeve and to be honest I’m full of shit compared to him. But anyway, I got it right today.
It was fucking freezing, it even started snowing a bit but I dragged Dom out to see a crater. Yep, the village we are staying in is near this crater called… Reiskrater. Dom was interested in seeing it too, but I think he would have preferred to stay in the taverns all day. Me too, but this crater was something I didn’t want to miss.
Fifteen million years ago the guidebook said. A meteor hit about 40,000 miles an hour, and left a fuck off crater about 8 miles wide. I’ve never seen a real crater before, and what interested me was that NASA had sent their Apollo astronauts here to train. Fucking amazing. They trained at that crater for their trip to the moon, because the geology was the same. This was the moon on the earth. Fucking awesome.
We went to the museum to check it out and watch some of the history, which was lost on me because it was in German, although Dom translated as best as he could. But I wanted to go back out to the crater afterwards, and Dom wasn’t keen because it was getting dark and colder. But he went with me, and wondered what I was doing when I started to pick around at some of the small rocks and stones. I told him I was looking for something, and he just told me to hurry up because he was freezing and starving.
I knew what I wanted, and then I found a small rock, a very small one, and placed it into Dom’s hand, and he looked at me as if I were mad.
‘It’s for you,’ I told him. ‘It’s a stone, Lij,’ he said back. ‘It’s part of the moon,’ I told him, and closed his gloved fingers around it. ‘It’s part of the moon, and therefore unique. Unique, like you.’
Dom never replied, but his face said it all, he was moved almost to tears and I felt myself grinning from ear to ear. Dom dropped the stone into his pocket and kissed me, fucking kissed me on the edge of that crater. Fucking awesome, fucking unforgettable.
***
7 February 2005
Tomorrow we leave Augsburg. We’ve been here for two days. It’s at the end of what is known as the Romantic Road, stretching from here to Rothenburg.
These few days have been so relaxing since leaving Berlin. All we have done since leaving Lapland is visit the capitals of each country. These small towns have allowed us to slow the pace right down, and I think Dom needed that too. He is still not back to his normal self after whatever upset him at Berlin. I’ve wanted to ask him time and time again, but somehow the opportunity just doesn’t arise.
All this afternoon we have stayed in our room, and Dom has loved me, fucked me, kissed me and loved me some more. He always makes me feel so special, he has a love so deep for me that I think at times it hurts him. Sounds fucking stupid, I know, but I can see it. I can see it in the way he looks at me, I can feel it in the way he holds me and kisses me, and really, to be loved that like is beyond words. But that doesn’t surprise me that to say that, because finding the right words always eludes me.
I love him back, I kiss him back, I fuck him deeply, and I hope that I get through to him too. I hope that he can feel that I feel the same way too. I just fucking love being with him, how can I put it more simply than that?
***
7 February 2005
Its fuck knows what time in the morning, and we are both awake. I’ve managed to talk Dom into taking a warm bath. He woke up over an hour ago crying out my name. Jesus Christ I had no idea what was happening. Anyway I have managed to calm him down, he was practically inconsolable sobbing his heart out.
All he told me was that he had dreamt that I was dead, and it had seemed so real. Poor bugger, it has really freaked him out. I somehow think that this is going to be a long night.
Anyway we are off to Budapest tomorrow, and hopefully a restful time. These two days in Munich have been mental, fucking mental….
***
Elijah finished reading the entry that he had written only a few brief hours ago, after helping a shaking sobbing Dominic into the bath. At least now he knew why he had been in that state. He looked down at Dominic whose head was now resting on his shoulder. His sleep was deep and very much needed.
Elijah placed his empty coffee cup in the receptacle on the pull down tray in front of him, and then turned over to a fresh page in his journal. He felt Dominic shift slightly against him, but he remained asleep. Only forty-five minutes and they would be landing in Budapest. He was extremely tired himself, but he wanted to get this last entry written, because he had a notion that he wouldn’t be writing anything over the next couple of days. He had to concentrate on Dominic now, and help him through this, this ‘fuckoff fear’ that was eating him up.
8 February 2005
I finally know why Dom has been the way he has been since Berlin, and it was all because of something I said. Something that triggered a deep-rooted fear in him, a fear of losing me. This fear is so unfounded, and I told him so, this evening. I’ve never seen him like that before, he was standing in that restroom, fucking sobbing, and breaking his heart, over something that will never happen. I can’t think why he thinks this way that I will cease to be part of his life. If anything, it’s the opposite; I don’t want to be without him. I can’t ever imagine being without him.
We have had our separations over the past two years due to one thing and another, and I know that Dom has always taken them harder than me, but its only now that I am beginning to realise just how hard.
Dom, you are everything to me, and to even think that I have caused you pain in any way is so fucking awful to me.
Dom told me about the wall separation thing that I mentioned in Berlin. He quoted me word for word. I can’t quite remember everything that I said, but when I listened to him saying it, it sounded fucking horrendous. Jesus, and I said it so flippantly, and forgot about it straight afterwards, while those words went straight to Dom’s heart. I’m fucking incredible, never fucking thinking before I open my fucking mouth.
Dom has always told me I changed his life. I wrote this in another entry some time ago. Well he changed mine too. I never realised it at first, I was so fucking young back then in New Zealand, and just didn’t know what I wanted. I can remember telling Dom that I wanted a break, to think about things, and in fact when I think back to that time, Dom seemed all right about it. A bit shocked at first, but I guess he could see where I was coming from. In fact it was when we separated for those few weeks that I realised that he was my life, and I thought that I had probably blown it. I really didn’t know if he wanted me back, and I waited in his house for three days waiting for his return. Thank fuck it worked out.
I suppose when I look at Dom I see my future, and it’s a future I never want to lose, but the fear of losing it just doesn’t occur to me, because he is what I want, and I am happy and secure with that. But we are all different, and I know Dom sees me the same way, but his fear of losing me seems very real. So real…Well, Dommie, I’m not going anywhere; I’m here with you to the end, whenever that end may be. And there is only one way that it will end, and not like your fucking dream either, or on this fucking plane.
And soon you will know just how much you mean to me, because you mean everything to me. And I mean, everything. I can’t think of anything more important to me than you. You are me.
And Dom, after what has happened this evening, my gift for you has become clearer to me now, and has more meaning, and I know it will help you too. Help you to overcome this irrational fear that you have, because I am going nowhere, I am with you forever.
Elijah looked up from his writing as a stewardess stopped to speak to him. She pointed to the seatbelt sign, which had been re-illuminated, and then she pointed over to Dominic.
Elijah nodded and closed his journal and slipped it back into his bag. He managed to twist himself around so that he was facing Dominic who was still deeply asleep.
“Just strapping you in Dom,” Elijah whispered as he took hold of the two pieces of seatbelt and clipped them together so that they sat snuggly over Dominic’s hips. “Soon be there, baby.” Elijah pressed his lips against the side of Dominic’s face. “Soon be there.”
Then he adjusted his own belt and fastened it. He looked at Dominic again, so peaceful in sleep. He took hold of Dominic’s hand and placed it in his lap, and never moved it from there until the plane came to a standstill in Budapest Airport.
Elijah waited until everyone else had got off the plane, then he had no choice, he had to wake Dominic up.
“Dommie… Dommie…” Elijah smiled up at the waiting stewardess, as he gently shook Dominic awake. “Dom, we’re here. Come on…”
Dominic slowly opened his eyes, and for a moment or two had no idea where he was. He saw Elijah smiling at him, and reached up his hand to stroke the side of his face.
“Come on…” Elijah shuffled out of his seat.
Dominic looked around the empty aircraft, and then back up at Elijah. He closed his eyes for a few seconds and uttered a silent prayer of relief.
“Dom…?” Elijah offered his hand out to Dominic, and Dominic grasped hold of it, and hauled himself out of his seat.
“Welcome to Budapest,” the air stewardess spoke. “We hope you had a pleasant flight.”
tbc
Author/Email: Salogel (salogel42@hotmail.com)
Pairing: Dom/Elijah
Rating: 15 (for lots of swearing)
Summary: Delayed at Munich Airport
Warning: Major angst
Additional Info for this chapter: Dom’s dream can be read here.
Feedback: Yes please
Archive: LOTR Gutter
Disclaimer: None of this happened or will ever happen. It is all made up in my overactive mind.
Additional Notes: Any flashbacks are written as they happened, and not necessarily as a point of view.
Previous chapters can be found here.
World Trip
Chapter 14 – Munich Airport and Elijah’s account of The Romantic Road
“What did she say?” Elijah looked at Dominic’s weary face, as he returned from the airport information desk for the second time that afternoon.
“They don’t know how long. An hour, two hours, maybe three. Who the fuck knows, Lij, they certainly don’t.”
Elijah shrugged his travel bag back onto his shoulder. “Shall we get a coffee?”
Dominic nodded, there was little else to do.
Munich airport was big and extremely busy, just like any other major airport. But when you had been stuck in it for nearly half the day, its appeal soon began to wear thin. A problem with the engine, that’s what all the delayed passengers had been told. The engineers were working on it right now. Great! They were about to get on an airplane, which had a problem with its engine. Fucking fantastic. Weren’t they going to look forward to boarding that plane?
“Dom, don’t look so worried.” Elijah took hold of Dominic’s hand as they made their way to one of the self-service cafés in their terminal. “The plane won’t fly, if they can’t fix it.”
“Yeah, right.” Dominic didn’t sound in the least bit convinced. An hour and a half, that was all. Ninety fucking minutes from their next destination, and they were holed up here with two hundred other delayed passengers wondering when they would finally leave, and if would they be fucking killed on route.
“Dom…” Elijah could feel the grip of Dominic’s hand increasing on his. “Dom…” Elijah stopped in his tracks pulling Dominic around to face him. He knew what he was thinking. “Dom, it was a bad dream, that’s all. Don’t you go thinking about it. We’ll be on that plane soon and in Budapest before you know it.” Elijah looked into Dominic’s very worried eyes, and he could see how frightened he was. “It was just a dream, Dommie…”
Dominic swallowed hard, trying to push the awful nightmare he’d had the night before away. But it refused to budge. It had been so fucking real and he had woken up screaming, scaring Elijah half to death. Sleep had evaded him from then on, and had remained awake for most of the night. Elijah too, reassuring him that everything was ok. That he was here, alive and well, and not cold and dead. Fucking cold and dead. Dominic felt a wave of fear course through his veins, as tears prickled the corners of his eyes. Just a fucking dream…
Elijah sat down at a small table and watched Dominic order the coffees. They’d had such a wonderful time over the past few days, taking things at a slower pace, visiting village after village, hamlet after hamlet. There had been no rush to get up in the mornings, and they had enjoyed early nights together in front of roaring log fires in quaint little guesthouses. But now Dominic was wearing that worried and haunted expression again. The same look that befell him on their last day in Berlin. He had been practically inconsolable last night, after whatever it was he dreamt. Elijah had tried to calm him down, and it had taken a while. ‘You were dead Lij, you were dead.’ Dominic had said it over and over, despite Elijah’s reassuring arms around him.
Dominic placed the tray of coffees and pastries down on to the table in front of Elijah and then more or less flopped down onto the chair next to him.
“Thanks…” Elijah smiled at him, and noticed the dark circles under his eyes, highlighted by the bright overhead lights. “It won’t be long, Dom.” Elijah kissed him quickly on the cheek.
Dominic just looked at Elijah, and then sighed loudly as he reached out for his drink.
**
“Well?” Elijah looked up hopefully at Dominic. They had made progress, and had been sitting in the departure lounge for over an hour.
“It’s fucking shite, that’s all!” Dominic took his seat next to Elijah. Christ these chairs were fucking uncomfortable, especially after sitting in them for fucking hours!
Elijah could see the bad mood that Dominic was descending into, and that added to the exhaustion he obviously felt, wasn’t adding up to a very good combination.
“Just think of our next hotel, Dom.”
“I can’t!” Dominic folded his arms in protest. He didn’t like airports at the best of times; let alone fucking setting up home in one.
“Think of those warms spas, just waiting for us…”
“Yeah, nice…” Dominic glared at one of the airport staff as they walked past them.
“Relaxing, invigorating… inspiring…”
Dominic stared at the back of the head of an unknown passenger sitting two seats in front of him. Christ he was so fucking tired, fucking shit scared of boarding the plane, and there was Elijah going on about warm baths and fucking god knows what else.
“Can’t we Dom…?”
Elijah looked at Dominic and knew he hadn’t been listening to a word he was saying. “Dom…?”
“What?” Dominic snapped back at him.
“What the fuck is up with you?” Elijah suddenly felt pissed off. “You’ve been moping about all day, and don’t say it’s the fucking dream.”
Dominic looked at Elijah with a ‘I can’t believe you said that’ look, and then he got up onto his feet and began to walk away.
“Where you going?” Elijah grabbed hold of Dominic’s hand, but he yanked it back.
“Away from you…”
“What?” Elijah stood up and looked at Dominic, but he was pushed aside as Dominic brushed past him.
“Just leave me alone, Elijah.”
Elijah turned and watched Dominic walk off. He felt crushed. He quickly looked around at all the other passengers in the departure lounge, but they were all involved in their own little worlds, totally oblivious to him and to Dominic, who had just disappeared through a set of double doors.
Elijah looked at Dominic’s abandoned travel bag, and then at his own, wondering whether or not to leave them there or take them with him. He wasn’t going to let Dominic wander off like that, in the mood he was in. “Shit!” Elijah dumped his bag on top of Dominic’s and then he took off after him.
Dominic stumbled along the wide corridor looking for the men’s restroom, and when he saw it he pushed the door open and walked in. There was an elderly man washing his hands at one of the basins, but Dominic ignored him and walked to the far end of the room, and just stood there gripping onto the small sink, and looking into the wall mirror at the reflection of himself. He looked like fucking shit, he felt like fucking shit, and he’d just lost it with Elijah. What was he fucking doing?
It was these fucking feelings. These feelings of fear, they hadn’t gone. He thought he’d suppressed them, forced them back down into that black hole in his mind. Locked them away again, shut them back up forever. Elijah wouldn’t understand them, he would fucking scare him off again. And maybe this time for fucking good. Christ he was such a fucking freak.
“Fuck…fuck…fuck!” Dominic balled his fist and hit the wall beside him.
The elderly man looked at him, and then quickly made his exit, hardly registering Elijah’s entrance in through the doors as they passed by each other.
“Get a fucking grip.” Dominic closed his eyes, and then quickly opened them again as vivid images of Elijah lying dead in his arms came flashing back to him. “No…” his voice was a whimper. “It was just a dream, it won’t happen… it can’t happen…”
“Dom…?”
Dominic turned his head to see Elijah standing just a few feet away from him.
“Dom, I’m sorry… I shouldn’t have…”
Dominic blinked back his tears. “Oh… Lij…” his voice cracked.
Elijah quickly walked forwards and took Dominic into his arms, and as he felt Dominic’s trembling body encircle his own he felt relief wash over him. “What is it, Dom?” he whispered gently. “Why are you so upset… please… please tell me.” Elijah pulled himself back so that he could look into Dominic’s face. “Please, baby… you’re scaring me here. What is it? What’s wrong? Why are you like this?”
“You were dead…” Dominic’s voice was barely audible, and then a sob broke free, as he pulled Elijah back into him. “You were dead, and there was nothing I could do…”
“Hey…” Elijah held Dominic tightly to him. “Come on, now. I can’t believe you’re letting this upset you so much.”
He had to say it, he had too…had too… “I can’t ever lose you Elijah.” Dominic’s voice was muffled as he hugged Elijah to him, just saying those very words sounded like the portent of doom.
“Lose me?” Elijah pulled back slightly. “Dominic? Lose me?”
“Not ever, Lij…” Dominic couldn’t lift his head. Elijah must think I’m a crazy fucked up cunt.
“Dom…?” Elijah pulled his head back further forcing Dominic to look at him.
“I can’t live without you…” Dominic thought the words must sound insane, and he felt like his heart was breaking as he looked into Elijah’s worried face. Then he started to cry.
“My God… Dom.” Elijah felt his throat tighten, as he held Dominic tightly to himself again. “I don’t know why you are thinking this, Dom, I don’t. But you’re never going to lose me. I don’t know why you think you’re going to lose me. I love you so much.”
Dominic finally felt his emotions pouring out of him. They had been building up since the fucking wall thing in Berlin, and then last night. Last night, holding Elijah’s cold unmoving body in his arms. Thinking that his world had ended, and then waking to find it had been a fucking nightmare. Thank fucking god it hadn’t been real. But that dream has caused his fear to triple in its intensity, and he thought he was going to go out of his fucking mind. I can’t live without you, Lij. You are my fucking life, and always have been. You’re fucking everything…everything.
Elijah wasn’t sure how long he stood there holding Dominic, if it had taken all night then that would have been fine. If they had missed their already delayed flight, then that would have been fine too. Dominic was obviously hurting, hurting so badly, and all he wanted to do, was just fix him, help him. Make him better again. Make whatever fear he had go away. Fucking flush it out of his mind, because it seemed to be eating at him. Eating at his very soul.
“Dommie…” Elijah stroked the back of Dominic’s head, trying to sooth away the anguish he felt. “Dom… we can’t stay in here. Shall we go back and sit down, and then you can talk to me. Ok? Ok, baby? And I mean talk to me, properly. Tell me everything.”
Elijah felt Dominic nod his head against his shoulder. “Come on then.” Elijah pulled back and looked at Dominic’s wet face. Then he kissed him on the lips, and he kept his mouth there when he heard someone come into the washroom, and it was still there when that person had left. When he pulled his mouth away, he saw that Dominic looked a little calmer. “Love you, Dom.” He kissed him once more, before taking hold of his hand and leading him back to their seats in the departure lounge.
***
The seat belt light flickered off, and Elijah looked at his watch. Midnight. Their flight had been scheduled for 4pm that afternoon. Eight hours hanging around that airport, fucking unbelievable, and it had to be one of the flights when he had decided not to book first class, because of the short duration of the trip. Got that wrong Elwood, didn’t you, you fucking idiot! He sighed and then turned his head to look at Dominic and noticed how very pale he looked, ashen even, in the eerie glow of the overhead cabin lights.
“You ok, Dommie?” he whispered, squeezing Dominic’s hand which had been in his since the aircraft had began its taxiing on the runway.
Dominic didn’t answer Elijah’s question, he just nodded very slightly. He felt drained and exhausted, and utterly convinced that they were not going to make it to Hungary. And despite this unfounded knowledge he could feel sleep creeping up on him, and fuck it, he didn’t want to fall asleep. He wanted to be awake, holding Elijah during their last moments together, telling him that he loved him. He had to tell him that before there was nothing, nothing left at all.
Elijah saw Dominic’s eyes close, and it wasn’t long before the grip on his hand slackened. He pulled out one of the airport blankets from the back of the seat in front of him, and draped it over Dominic’s slumbering body. Sleep was what Dominic needed, more than anything. He had been awake for almost 24 hours, well they both had. Hopefully he would be able to think more clearly when he woke up. Elijah leant over and quickly kissed him on the mouth, and he wanted to do nothing more than snuggle up beside him, rest his head on his shoulder and fall asleep too. But he needed to write. Write down his thoughts and feelings. Dominic had been full of pain and anguish as he spoke to him back in the airport, and he needed to write down some of his own feelings now. He had listened and reassured Dominic, told him that he felt the same way. Told him that he loved him so much. God wasn’t he so descriptive? And now, more than ever he knew that his gift, his surprise that he had lined up for Dominic, for them both, would mean more than anything. In fact, he knew that this gift would banish all fears that Dominic was harboring of ‘losing him’, forever.
Elijah removed his journal from his bag, and after accepting coffee from one of the stewards (how many cups was that today?) he looked through his entries since Berlin and wondered if he could see any clues there. Clues to Dominic’s state of mind since he mentioned the fucking Berlin Wall separation scenario. How the fuck was I to know, Dommie? And as he read through them, there were hints, but Dominic had hidden them so well. Too well, baby… He glanced down at Dominic’s sleeping form. The worried frown had eased from his forehead; the tension from around his eyes had slipped away. Dominic looked very peaceful… thank fuck.
28 January 2005
It’s just about the end of my birthday now, and I’ve left Dom asleep in the bed of hay. Fucking bed of hay, can you believe it? He is so fantastic! I bet he doesn’t know just how fantastic he really is. But I do, and I guess that’s what really counts.
I’ve just phoned mom, she said she had been waiting for my call, so she is pretty happy now. I didn’t tell her that we were staying in a barn; she’d never believe it anyway. But this birthday has been great, from the moment I woke up, to… well this very second, but I did wonder how today would be, because last night Dominic was so quiet. So unusually quite and I so wanted him to talk to me, but he didn’t, all he wanted to do was hold me, and I knew that he was crying to himself as he did so, and it was fucking tearing me apart. I tried to ask him several times what was wrong, but all he did was hold me even tighter.
What is it Dom? Why can’t you tell me?
…
So today was great. Fucking brilliant. So much thought went into it…. And Budapest, I can’t think at all what Dom has got me in Budapest, not at all… but whatever it is will be amazing, that I can count on…
Love you Dom, and thank you.
***
30 January 2005
Rothenburg…. this town is fucking amazing. Really. I could live here. Dom said he could live here. It’s like a time warp, apart from the cars. It was like being back in the medieval days.
And this place absolutely fascinates me. I was dragging Dom down one cobbled street after another, and he could barely keep up with my enthusiasm. But it was like being in the middle of a fairy tale. A real fairy tale, not a Disney one, and I know that’s sounds dumb, but I can’t explain it any other way.
And Dom just about died laughing when I said that I wanted to see where the rats were kept. I mean I was fucking deadly serious, it said so on the little map. Rathaus. So I wanted to see it. I didn’t know if was the fucking Town Hall… Christ, Dom laughed so much, which set me off. We were asked to leave… and the bastard didn’t let me forget about it all day.
But it was great to see Dom laughing. He’s been so serious over these past couple of days, barely a smile, and has been sticking to my side like glue, never letting me out of his sight. Fuck knows where he thinks I am going to disappear to.
Fucking Rat House…
***
3 February 2005
Today is going to be one of those days that I won’t forget. Firstly because of the amazing place that we went too, and secondly, well… I said something to Dom which was… was…
well, not stupid. Christ, how do I write this down?
I can’t express myself; I’m crap at expressing myself, not like Dom. He says the most wonderful things to me, really beautiful things, and he doesn’t have to think about them, because it’s how he is. He’s full of compassion, and love and he really wears his heart on his sleeve and to be honest I’m full of shit compared to him. But anyway, I got it right today.
It was fucking freezing, it even started snowing a bit but I dragged Dom out to see a crater. Yep, the village we are staying in is near this crater called… Reiskrater. Dom was interested in seeing it too, but I think he would have preferred to stay in the taverns all day. Me too, but this crater was something I didn’t want to miss.
Fifteen million years ago the guidebook said. A meteor hit about 40,000 miles an hour, and left a fuck off crater about 8 miles wide. I’ve never seen a real crater before, and what interested me was that NASA had sent their Apollo astronauts here to train. Fucking amazing. They trained at that crater for their trip to the moon, because the geology was the same. This was the moon on the earth. Fucking awesome.
We went to the museum to check it out and watch some of the history, which was lost on me because it was in German, although Dom translated as best as he could. But I wanted to go back out to the crater afterwards, and Dom wasn’t keen because it was getting dark and colder. But he went with me, and wondered what I was doing when I started to pick around at some of the small rocks and stones. I told him I was looking for something, and he just told me to hurry up because he was freezing and starving.
I knew what I wanted, and then I found a small rock, a very small one, and placed it into Dom’s hand, and he looked at me as if I were mad.
‘It’s for you,’ I told him. ‘It’s a stone, Lij,’ he said back. ‘It’s part of the moon,’ I told him, and closed his gloved fingers around it. ‘It’s part of the moon, and therefore unique. Unique, like you.’
Dom never replied, but his face said it all, he was moved almost to tears and I felt myself grinning from ear to ear. Dom dropped the stone into his pocket and kissed me, fucking kissed me on the edge of that crater. Fucking awesome, fucking unforgettable.
***
7 February 2005
Tomorrow we leave Augsburg. We’ve been here for two days. It’s at the end of what is known as the Romantic Road, stretching from here to Rothenburg.
These few days have been so relaxing since leaving Berlin. All we have done since leaving Lapland is visit the capitals of each country. These small towns have allowed us to slow the pace right down, and I think Dom needed that too. He is still not back to his normal self after whatever upset him at Berlin. I’ve wanted to ask him time and time again, but somehow the opportunity just doesn’t arise.
All this afternoon we have stayed in our room, and Dom has loved me, fucked me, kissed me and loved me some more. He always makes me feel so special, he has a love so deep for me that I think at times it hurts him. Sounds fucking stupid, I know, but I can see it. I can see it in the way he looks at me, I can feel it in the way he holds me and kisses me, and really, to be loved that like is beyond words. But that doesn’t surprise me that to say that, because finding the right words always eludes me.
I love him back, I kiss him back, I fuck him deeply, and I hope that I get through to him too. I hope that he can feel that I feel the same way too. I just fucking love being with him, how can I put it more simply than that?
***
7 February 2005
Its fuck knows what time in the morning, and we are both awake. I’ve managed to talk Dom into taking a warm bath. He woke up over an hour ago crying out my name. Jesus Christ I had no idea what was happening. Anyway I have managed to calm him down, he was practically inconsolable sobbing his heart out.
All he told me was that he had dreamt that I was dead, and it had seemed so real. Poor bugger, it has really freaked him out. I somehow think that this is going to be a long night.
Anyway we are off to Budapest tomorrow, and hopefully a restful time. These two days in Munich have been mental, fucking mental….
***
Elijah finished reading the entry that he had written only a few brief hours ago, after helping a shaking sobbing Dominic into the bath. At least now he knew why he had been in that state. He looked down at Dominic whose head was now resting on his shoulder. His sleep was deep and very much needed.
Elijah placed his empty coffee cup in the receptacle on the pull down tray in front of him, and then turned over to a fresh page in his journal. He felt Dominic shift slightly against him, but he remained asleep. Only forty-five minutes and they would be landing in Budapest. He was extremely tired himself, but he wanted to get this last entry written, because he had a notion that he wouldn’t be writing anything over the next couple of days. He had to concentrate on Dominic now, and help him through this, this ‘fuckoff fear’ that was eating him up.
8 February 2005
I finally know why Dom has been the way he has been since Berlin, and it was all because of something I said. Something that triggered a deep-rooted fear in him, a fear of losing me. This fear is so unfounded, and I told him so, this evening. I’ve never seen him like that before, he was standing in that restroom, fucking sobbing, and breaking his heart, over something that will never happen. I can’t think why he thinks this way that I will cease to be part of his life. If anything, it’s the opposite; I don’t want to be without him. I can’t ever imagine being without him.
We have had our separations over the past two years due to one thing and another, and I know that Dom has always taken them harder than me, but its only now that I am beginning to realise just how hard.
Dom, you are everything to me, and to even think that I have caused you pain in any way is so fucking awful to me.
Dom told me about the wall separation thing that I mentioned in Berlin. He quoted me word for word. I can’t quite remember everything that I said, but when I listened to him saying it, it sounded fucking horrendous. Jesus, and I said it so flippantly, and forgot about it straight afterwards, while those words went straight to Dom’s heart. I’m fucking incredible, never fucking thinking before I open my fucking mouth.
Dom has always told me I changed his life. I wrote this in another entry some time ago. Well he changed mine too. I never realised it at first, I was so fucking young back then in New Zealand, and just didn’t know what I wanted. I can remember telling Dom that I wanted a break, to think about things, and in fact when I think back to that time, Dom seemed all right about it. A bit shocked at first, but I guess he could see where I was coming from. In fact it was when we separated for those few weeks that I realised that he was my life, and I thought that I had probably blown it. I really didn’t know if he wanted me back, and I waited in his house for three days waiting for his return. Thank fuck it worked out.
I suppose when I look at Dom I see my future, and it’s a future I never want to lose, but the fear of losing it just doesn’t occur to me, because he is what I want, and I am happy and secure with that. But we are all different, and I know Dom sees me the same way, but his fear of losing me seems very real. So real…Well, Dommie, I’m not going anywhere; I’m here with you to the end, whenever that end may be. And there is only one way that it will end, and not like your fucking dream either, or on this fucking plane.
And soon you will know just how much you mean to me, because you mean everything to me. And I mean, everything. I can’t think of anything more important to me than you. You are me.
And Dom, after what has happened this evening, my gift for you has become clearer to me now, and has more meaning, and I know it will help you too. Help you to overcome this irrational fear that you have, because I am going nowhere, I am with you forever.
Elijah looked up from his writing as a stewardess stopped to speak to him. She pointed to the seatbelt sign, which had been re-illuminated, and then she pointed over to Dominic.
Elijah nodded and closed his journal and slipped it back into his bag. He managed to twist himself around so that he was facing Dominic who was still deeply asleep.
“Just strapping you in Dom,” Elijah whispered as he took hold of the two pieces of seatbelt and clipped them together so that they sat snuggly over Dominic’s hips. “Soon be there, baby.” Elijah pressed his lips against the side of Dominic’s face. “Soon be there.”
Then he adjusted his own belt and fastened it. He looked at Dominic again, so peaceful in sleep. He took hold of Dominic’s hand and placed it in his lap, and never moved it from there until the plane came to a standstill in Budapest Airport.
Elijah waited until everyone else had got off the plane, then he had no choice, he had to wake Dominic up.
“Dommie… Dommie…” Elijah smiled up at the waiting stewardess, as he gently shook Dominic awake. “Dom, we’re here. Come on…”
Dominic slowly opened his eyes, and for a moment or two had no idea where he was. He saw Elijah smiling at him, and reached up his hand to stroke the side of his face.
“Come on…” Elijah shuffled out of his seat.
Dominic looked around the empty aircraft, and then back up at Elijah. He closed his eyes for a few seconds and uttered a silent prayer of relief.
“Dom…?” Elijah offered his hand out to Dominic, and Dominic grasped hold of it, and hauled himself out of his seat.
“Welcome to Budapest,” the air stewardess spoke. “We hope you had a pleasant flight.”
tbc