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fellowshippers2006-06-24 08:30 pm
arabia764.livejournal.com) wrote in fellowshippers2006-06-24 08:30 pm
Fic: Us Against The World -- Damaged story 5 Elijah/Orli N17 5/10
Title: Us Against The World – Damaged story 5
Chapter: Five
Author: Arabia
Pairing: Elijah/Orli
Rating N17
Disclaimer: Total fiction
Feedback: Is always very much appreciated.
This is NOT a WIP – it is all finished and will be posted once a week.
The first four stories can be found in my memories.
Thank you to my darling otp![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
grievous_angel for the wonderful beta and all the support, and to annwyn55 for making the beautiful icon that goes with the fic.
This story is for Pum. She knows why and it is perfect.
Us Against The World
This chapter start at just the moment chapter 4 finished.
Chapter Five
For a long moment everything in the room seemed to stop then Elijah visibly rocked backwards as though he’d been punched in the gut. He did the only thing he knew, turning, calling a desperate, “Orlando,” and searching for Orli’s face with wild eyes.
Orli didn’t think, doing the only thing he knew, catching Elijah’s elbow and pulling him close. He wrapped his arms tight around Elijah, a hand going up to his hair and pushing, forcing, Elijah’s face into his neck, his own face in Elijah’s hair. For a long moment it was as if they were caught in their own space, impenetrable, as the world was locked out. They breathed in each other’s smell till it calmed them through the initial shock.
Orli moved till his lips were on Elijah’s ear. “You’re safe. You’re safe with me, you’ll always be safe. You’re home.”
Home. Safe. The words that comforted Elijah, the words he needed. He pressed his face closer against Orli’s neck and breathed in slowly. The smell of home. After another moment he opened his eyes and looked up.
“All right?” Orli asked.
“No, I don’t know. Maybe,” Elijah admitted.
“We’ll be all right,” Orli said with certainty.
The strong arms holding him tight and the confidence in Orli’s voice helped to calm the nauseous rolling of Elijah’s belly and the twisting of his nerves. But it was the ‘we’ that Orli had said that really made a difference. Then he looked at his mother.
Her face was twisted again, all sorts of emotions he couldn’t identify and ones he didn’t want to think about. “I’m sorry son. I didn’t want to tell you, not ever. You made me,” her voice croaked and her chin began to quiver. She was going to cry. His hard-as-nails, bitch of a mother was going to cry.
Elijah ran, sprinting out the door before anyone realised what was happening. One minute he’d been in Orli’s arms and then…
Orli stood dazed: Elijah’s father.
“Get after him then, you stupid bastard,” Silvia brought Orli back, one hand scrubbing across her eyes. “He bloody needs you.”
He needs me. The thought hit Orli like a clenched fist in the face and he was off, running, before he took another breath. Of course the lift wasn’t working, of course not, so he pounded down the stairs, taking them two, three at a time, almost falling arse over tit more than once. He hit the swing doors at the entrance of the building so hard the broken glass in it almost disintegrated, but he couldn’t stop, not now.
He could see Elijah streaking across the car park, heels and elbows flying as he ran flat out. Orli pushed past a girl in a velour tracksuit, a cigarette hanging out of her mouth and a pushchair held in front of her like a weapon. He ignored her shouts of abuse and headed after Elijah, his longer legs making some headway but, shit, Elijah was going fast.
Round the parked cars, past the row of everything-for-a-pound shops, up the alley next to the pub and down into the underpass, Elijah’s didn’t let up, dodging cars as he ran across the road into the so called industrial estate. Half a dozen knackered or empty warehouses hardly made an industrial estate and it was even more deserted now, on a Saturday, when nothing was open.
Orli’s speed meant it was fairly easy for him to catch up enough so that Elijah was in sight, but he didn’t get any closer, following but giving Elijah space. Elijah ran along the deserted roads, jumping stray boxes of rubbish, heading nowhere. Eventually he reached the back of the estate, marked by a high wire fence. He started to climb it but his feet wouldn’t fit in the small gaps and he slipped. What was the point anyway? There was only a railway line on the other side.
He squatted down, hands still hooked high in the fence, his head drooped, breathing hard, and waited for the sound of Orli’s footstep. Orli. Elijah had known he was following, running fast as he could safe in the knowledge that Orli could catch him. He was grateful that he hadn’t, not yet.
Soon, but not yet.
Orli stopped a few feet away and watched Elijah’s heaving shoulders. After a couple of minutes he sat on the dirty concrete, the cold immediately starting to seep into his bum, and waited. Elijah sighed in gratitude and dropped to his knees.
They stayed like that for a long time, Elijah couldn’t tell how long, Orli didn’t care, until eventually, after the longest time, Elijah turned round. He sat down, knees bent up, back against the fence and gave the loudest sigh, his cheeks puffing out, his lips vibrating with the force. “You’re still there then,” he looked at Orli, the warmth in his eyes unmistakable.
“Got nowhere else to go,” Orli shrugged.
Elijah tilted his head to one side. “You still love me?”
“Fucking stupid question,” Orli snorted.
Elijah leaned back and smiled softly. “I still love you.”
“And so you should,” Orli’s smile was warmer, more heartfelt.
Attached at the hip, Elijah thought. Attached at the hip. He closed his eyes and sighed again before looking back at Orli. “I sucked him off Orlando,” he rubbed a hand over his face. “I sucked off my own father and swallowed his spunk before bending over and letting him fuck me.”
“You didn’t know,” Orli pointed out.
“Does that make any difference?”
“Of course it does. You had no idea who he was.”
“You know, it would have been so much easier if I’d fucked your father rather than mine,” Elijah laughed but there was no humour in it.
“Don’t know if my parents would agree with you on that one,” Orli scooted round onto his knees, moving further forward. “You didn’t know. He’s the one that did wrong, not you. He abused you, even if he didn’t have to hold you down to do it.”
“Fuck,” Elijah looked up at the steel grey, bleak sky for a moment before his eyes went back to Orli’s face. “He was meant to be special. In my head he was the one who’d come and make it better after my Nan died. He was going to be a prince or rich or a famous footballer, and he’d turn up one day and welcome his son with open arms before whisking me off to a wonderful new life that wasn’t hard or sordid. He was my fantasy.” He fought for a moment to control his emotions, his face screwing up with the effort. “Instead he turns out to be a pervert like all the other, only worse.”
“I’m sorry,” Orli placed his hand on Elijah’s knee, his fingers arching into a grip. “I’m sorry you lost your dreams, your chance for a better future.”
Elijah suddenly grabbed at Orli’s wrist, squeezing hard. “I got my dream, I got you. You turned out to be my knight in shining armour.”
“Am I?” Orli asked. “I hope I am.”
“Of course you are. But he was,” he looked away, then back again, fighting at emotions. “Just… fuck Orlando, why? Why’d he do it? He knew who I was, all that crap he said, how I was ‘made for him,’ he knew I was his son.”
“I don’t know,” Orli shook his head. “I don’t understand how a twisted mind like that works. Maybe it’s like with rape, maybe it’s all about power.”
“The bastard, the fucking bastard,” but the words were said without heat as Elijah scrubbed at his face again. Orli crawled forward the last bit, his hand going up to massage Elijah’s neck.
“Total bastard,” Orli agreed. “But fuck him, fuck everything about him. You don’t need him, let the bastard drown in his own evil. He can’t bother us.”
“Can’t he?” Elijah looked up.
“Another fucking stupid question, you’ve used up your quota of those today,” Orli sat next to Elijah, bodies pressed together, arm round his shoulder.
“You sure? This isn’t going to affect how you think about me, is it?”
“Of fuck off,” Orli exclaimed. “He’s the bad one, him, not you. You aren’t what someone has done to you, you’re the man you’ve made yourself. You can’t let that shithead take it away from you and nothing is going to affect how I feel about you.”
Elijah let his head flop to the side, resting it on Orli’s shoulder. “I love you.”
“Course you bloody do,” Orli squeezed him close. “But not half as much as I love you.” He rubbed his chin into Elijah’s hair. “You going to be all right?”
“Yeah. I don’t know. Maybe.”
“Yes you are,” Orli rocked him gently. “You’ve got no choice I’m going to make sure you’re all right.”
“Thanks,” Elijah said quietly.
“You’re more than welcome mate, more than welcome.”
They sat like that for a long time, amongst the rusting coke cans, the dirt and the empty cigarette packets, till their bums were numb and their faces frozen by the chill wind. Elijah didn’t want to move, couldn’t think of a single reason to get up when Orli was so close. He didn’t know if he could think at all. It was too much.
In the end it started to rain, the fine drizzle that soaks into your skin if you let it, the sort of rain that only England can produce. Orli clambered awkwardly to his feet, stamping some life back into his stiff limbs, and reached down to drag Elijah up. “You think we should go back and see how your mum’s doing?
Elijah nodded, tucking one hand in his pocket, the other into Orli’s waistband. It was freezing. Orli pulled it out and rubbed it hard then linked their fingers together and put both hands into his own pocket. They started to walk back slowly; very slowly. Elijah pushed into Orli, almost as though he was accidentally bumping him, and Orli took the hint, pulling him in closer.
“First time I’ve ever heard you worry about my mum,” Elijah said, his face turned into Orli’s arm. “Must be a miracle.”
“Well, I…” Orli hitched a shoulder. “I don’t know, I…” he puffed out a breath. “I’m not exactly worried, I know that old bird can take care of herself.” God, it irked him to admit he felt anything but contempt for the woman but, well, she had been really scared. Scared of that bastard. Scared of that bastard who was Elijah’s father. Fuck. Don’t think about that, not now, not while Elijah needed him so badly.
Elijah smiled and rubbed his cheek against the damp denim of Orli’s jacket. “I’m sure she can. It’s still a first though,” he let the implications hang in the air.
Orli made a ‘humph’ sound of disagreement or annoyance or something deep in his throat and steered Elijah round a corner. This area was really shitty, even half the pound shops had closed down and the rest had metal grills on the windows. Who would rob a pound shop? He was so glad he hadn’t had to live somewhere like this and gave his parents a mental hug for his nice, safe childhood.
+
Silvia was sat bent over in her arm chair, a half empty bottle of gin on the coffee table in front of her. She wasn’t drunk by any means but she would have liked to be, at least to be drunk enough so she couldn’t think or feel. She took another mouthful of pure undiluted alcohol, shuddered, then looked up as the door opened.
Elijah. She almost wished he’d gone home, at least she wouldn’t have to face him. She couldn’t imagine how he must be feeling right now; best not to try then. She drank another large measure. He had his pretty-boy boyfriend to take care of him, he didn’t need her, thank God. Nobody needed her.
“You all right mum?” Elijah asked, pretty-boy’s hand on his shoulder, comforting him.
“Never better,” she tried a smile at him. “You want one?” she waved her glass at him.
“Yeah, why not?”
“Get a glass then,” Silvia pushed the bottle across the table whilst Elijah found two glasses in a cupboard. He filled them, handing the least chipped to Orli, and they sat on the sofa facing her. Silvia looked at the bottle, her glass, the blank TV screen, anywhere but at her son.
“Are you going to tell me about him then?” Elijah asked, when it became clear she wasn’t going to talk.
Silvia gave a half hitch of her shoulders, her mouth moulding into a grimace of distaste. “Nothing to tell.”
Elijah let it wash over him, there was no point fighting her, he’d learned long ago that she could be the most annoying, most stubborn awkward woman in history. Only thing to do was slowly coax her along till you got what you wanted. Elijah was very skilled at that. “Where did you meet him?” Start easy, it was the only way.
“What does it matter?” she risked a quick glance at him.
“For the last twenty odd years you’ve told me you didn’t know who my father was, that he could be anyone one of a dozen guys. Now you tell me you do know, that I’ve met him, more than met him. I want to know something about him.” Silvia recognised the set of Elijah’s jaw, it had nothing to do with his quiet, reasonable tone. He wasn’t going to be budged. She sighed, giving into the inevitable.
“I met him when he was doing community service after getting out of prison. Your Nan said he was no good, but,” she shrugged again. “He was flash and confident, he had a car, splashed money around and I was only fifteen.”
“What happened?”
Silvia’s face closed up and she reached for her drink, her hand shaking slightly. “It didn’t take me long to find out she was right. He… frightened me,” and the way she said it left no doubt that she still was frightened.
“Did he hit you?”
“Yeah, but that’s nothing,” she dismissed it. “They all hit you. He was something else.” She finished what was in her glass and filled it again before pulling her feet in, pushing her slippers tight under the chair as she sat up a little straighter. “I couldn’t get away from him, years it went on. He’d just turn up whenever he wanted and just demand. I couldn’t say no, no one could say no to him, but he seemed to get some sort of twisted bloody pleasure out of it; seeing me squirm, seeing me scared.”
“I got the police involved once,” it was all pouring out now the dam had been opened. “He broke my arm for that, he said I was his and he could do what he liked with me. I begged him to let me move away and in the end he said I could but there was a condition,” she glanced at Elijah but he couldn’t read her eyes. “He wanted a baby. He said I could go if I had his baby.”
“And you agreed?” Orli asked, appalled. It was only Elijah’s hand on his thigh that prevented him saying a lot more.
“You’ve got no fucking idea,” Silvia snarled at Orli. “You with your safe, middle class upbringing, you have no idea what it’s like to be frightened.” And Orli had to admit he didn’t.
“I’d got pregnant by him before, had a couple of abortions, and I just thought anything, I’d do anything to get away from him. So I got pregnant with you,” she had the decency to look at Elijah this time, an apology in her eyes. “After I got to the stage where I couldn’t get another abortion he let me go and I moved away. I didn’t see him again, I thought he’d forgotten all about me, that making me have his baby was his way of never letting me forget him. I,” she looked away but then, slowly, back.
“I was going to have you adopted but I’d gone to live with your Nan and she was just love-struck over you the minute she saw you. I was still going to do it but she said I could only stay if we kept you so,” she shrugged, no more explanation necessary. “I should have done it, handed you over to someone who could have given you a decent life.”
“She loved you though, didn’t she?” Silvia said suddenly, almost pleading. “I know I never did much with you, but she gave you a good life, all the things a little kid needed, didn’t she?”
“Yes,” Elijah felt his eyes swim. “Nan gave me what I needed, she loved me. You didn’t though,” he said very softly.
“I did! I did love you, I still do,” Silvia exclaimed.
“Not when I was little you didn’t, you could hardly stand to be near me.”
“I…” Silvia twisted in her seat, her hand going to her face then her neck, pulling at the collar of her cardigan as though she were trying to hide behind it. “I did love you,” she said more softly, almost to herself. “I just…” she couldn’t finish.
“Just what mum?” Elijah leant forward and touched her knee. When she looked at him there were tears in her eyes.
“When you were little I was always scared of you, scared that you were like him. Scared that you’d have some of his evil in you, even if it was only a little bit and tucked away,” she patted his hand on her knee. “You scared me, to think that you might take after him, but you don’t,” her hand went up to touch his face, just briefly. “You’re nothing at all like him, you’re a good man and I do love you.”
Elijah caught her hand and held it tightly in his. “I know you do and I love you too.”
“A good man,” Silvia repeated, her fingers curling over his for a moment, then her eyes turned hard again and she pulled her hand away. “But that just means you’re no match for him, you have to get away.”
“I won’t hide,” Elijah said firmly. “I won’t hide and I won’t run from him.”
“Then you are a fucking idiot. Listen to me,” she appealed to both of them. “You don’t know him, know what he’s capable of. He’ll hurt you just because he likes hurting people, he’s not bluffing.”
“What did he do to you?” Orli asked.
Silvia looked from one to the other, her hand coming up to brush their concerns away. “It doesn’t matter, it’s in the past,” but from her shaken state it was obviously all too close to the surface. “Elijah is what’s important now, you have to get him away or hand over the money.”
“I’m not giving him anything,” Elijah said before Orli could open his mouth. “I’m not giving him anything and I’m not hiding from him.” The quiet, emphatic tone of Elijah’s voice left Orli in no doubt that he meant every word and that there’d be no changing his mind. “I don’t want that kind of life, to be always running, always scared.”
“Was it so bad?” Silvia asked and Elijah suddenly realised what she meant.
“He was why we were always moving, wasn’t he? You were trying to get away from him.”
“I was trying to keep you away from him,” she said flatly. “I’d hear on the grapevine that he was close and I’d up and move us. We had to stay one step ahead of him and we did until…” her hand went to her mouth again and this time she held it there as she rocked back and forwards.
“Mum,” Elijah didn’t know what his question was.
Silvia poured more gin, drinking as her face grimaced. “When you came home that day and told me,” she rocked some more as though saying it was almost too much to admit. “Told me what he’d done to you, told me that he’d said I sent you, I wanted to lock you in your room and never let you out again. I couldn’t do that but I had to protect you so I did the only thing I knew how, I ran. I took you and ran has hard and as fast as I could, I didn’t know what else to do, I couldn’t let him hurt you.”
She looked over, her eyes glued to Elijah’s face. “I’m sorry love, I’m sorry he ever got near you, I’m sorry you have to know any of this. Most of all I’m sorry that you have to fight him, because you will have to. If you won’t run or pay him you’ll have to fight because he’ll keep after you. He knew who you were when he fucked you, he did it to hurt you and me and to prove he’s still the big man. He’ll destroy you just because he can.”
For the first time Elijah felt himself waver. No one, but no one, made his mum truly scared. Over the years he’d seen her bruised and beaten by men, cowering down at their feet as they hit or kicked her. But they only did it once because when Silvia stood, she came up fighting. Foul language, vicious acts of revenge, spiteful reprisals and even fists flying; he’d seen his mother do them all. But never, ever, had he seen her really frightened.
Only this man could do it and he was trying to blackmail Elijah now. How could he possibly fight that?
Elijah wavered and he started to shake. He sucked in a big breath, holding it deep in his lungs trying to ground himself. It wasn’t working.
Then there was a hand on the small of his back, a thigh pressed close to his, fingers reaching for his. “He won’t destroy Elijah because I won’t let him,” Orli said.
Elijah wasn’t alone. He could do it.
“I might not be able to physically fight him,” Orli went on. “But I’m stronger than him in every other way,” his hand rubbed against Elijah’s back and Elijah felt himself sink, with no effort or thought, against him. “I’m stronger because I have something worth fighting for and he has nothing.” Elijah gave up and gave in, resting his head on Orli’s shoulder and closing his eyes.
+
Orli went out and bought fish and chips but no one ate much, picking at their plates before pushing them away. Silvia didn’t even manage that, she was so drunk she could hardly hold a fork, let alone aim it at her mouth. By eight o’clock they had dragged her to her feet, practically carried her to her room and poured her into bed. Elijah followed the old routine, taking off her fluffy slippers and loosening her clothes before covering her with the duvet.
He pushed back the hair from her face and looked at her. It was no good, he didn’t know what to think, what to feel. He went in search of Orli. They sat curled together on the sofa, not really watching the murder mystery on the telly for a while until Orli suggested bed.
Walking to the bathroom Orli stopped outside Silvia’s bedroom door. The hopeless sounds of her crying could clearly be heard through the thin chipboard. He reached for the door handle but Elijah shook his head. “Don’t, she wouldn’t like it. We’re not that type of people, she’d only hate us in the morning.” Feeling strangely disturbed, Orli left the door and moved away.
In the spare room – Elijah’s old room – there was one narrow bed. They hadn’t intended to stay the night, they’d never both stayed before, but tonight they were too weary, too emotionally shattered to consider driving back. “If you’ve got a spare cover I’ll sleep on the settee,” Orli said, watching as Elijah pulled at his clothes, hands so exhausted they almost shook.
Elijah stopped, jeans half off his leg, and looked at Orli with slightly desperate, slightly wild eyes. “No. I… Don’t go. I need you here.”
“All right,” Orli smiled softly. “I’ll bring the cushions off the settee in here and make up a bed on the floor right next to you.”
“Do you mind?”
“Don’t be daft,” he smiled again.
“You have the bed, I’ll go on the floor,” Elijah decided.
“No,” Orli caught Elijah as he headed back to the living room, pulling him into an easy hug. “You can have the numb arm when you reach down so we can hold hands.” He kissed Elijah, just softly, just so he’d know.
“Are we going to hold hands then?” Elijah leaned into Orli.
“Course we are,” Orli kissed the edges of Elijah’s mouth then the centre again. “We’re always going to hold hands.”
Elijah sighed and leant in even further, letting Orli take his weight as he trembled imperceptibly. Orli held him close, one hand stroking soft patterns on his back, the other on his shoulders as he dropped soft kisses into his hair. Elijah tightened the circle of his arms around Orli, gripping onto the back of his t shirt for dear life as he let go and let the emotions of the day flood his system.
For a brief moment it was all too much and he thought he wouldn’t be able to stand it, but then Orli’s nose was rubbing against the side of his head, Orli’s hands were holding him close. Safe: he felt safe.
Safe and home. He could stand anything if he had those two things.
Eventually he felt calm enough to pull away, kissing Orli’s jaw line and smiling up shyly. “You get the cushions, I’ll try and find some covers.” Orli kissed him once more, soft and gentle, then let him go.
It worked out just as Orli had predicted, Elijah lay on his side and reached over the edge of the bed so he could tangle his fingers with Orli’s. It was good, he felt connected, but it wasn’t quite enough. After twenty minutes of not being able to settle, of always feeling one side of him was cold, Elijah gave up. “I can’t do this, I can’t sleep,” he sat up in bed. “Either you’re going to have to come up here or I’m going to come down there.”
“This floor is bloody hard and there’s no room on these cushions for two.”
“I’ll be all right if I just roll over, fall out of bed and land on top of you,” Elijah’s reasoned.
“You daft idiot,” Orli laughed, getting up. “Okay, I’m willing to try if you are. Two people in the world’s smallest bed is a challenge if nothing else. But I’m going next to the wall, you can fall out if you want, I’m not.”
“You’re on,” Elijah scooted forward and lifted the edge of the duvet. “And it’s not the world’s smallest. Small but not the smallest.”
“Even a kid would have trouble sleeping in this,” Orli lay on his side, spooning himself around Elijah and pulling him back till they fitted together perfectly.
“I managed,” Elijah wriggled, his back pushing against Orli’s chest, his arse against Orli’s thigh as he pulled Orli’s arm tighter around himself.
“I bet you were even skinnier as a kid than you are now,” Orli angled his head around Elijah and settled. “I can just imagine you sleeping in here.”
Elijah thought about it as well, in the last few years he’d often wondered why his mother had stayed in this flat for so long, they’d always moved around when he was a kid. He guessed he knew why now.
“You should get some sleep,” Orli broke into his thoughts. “You’re exhausted.”
“I feel…” Elijah wasn’t quite sure how he did feel. “I feel wiped out. I’m shattered but its like I don’t know what I think, how I should take it.”
“Don’t let it get to you,” Orli said softly, as he stroked the flesh on Elijah’s belly. “I mean really, does any of it matter?”
“But he’s my father,” Elijah said, a world of heartbreak in that last word.
“So?” Orli took Elijah’s hand, smoothing over his fingers. “It doesn’t matter, I’m telling you, it doesn’t matter, not in the grand scheme of things.”
“But,” Elijah stopped, biting at his lip and Orli held a little tighter.
“Listen to me,” Orli said, his lips close to Elijah’s ear. “Everything that’s happened today is about the wrong other people have done, not us. We’re still safe and that’s all that really counts.”
“Doesn’t any of it bother you?”
He felt Orli huff out a long breath, then settle. “You know me, you know I take a while to workout what I think, what I feel. But I have now. Do the pictures bother me? Not as much as I thought they would. You told me a long time ago what you’d got up to in the past, and I’m not stupid, I could imagine what it would look like. I don’t like them but I can put them to one side. Am I bothered because he was your father? That’s easier, no. I don’t see what that has to do with us.”
Elijah was silent but his eyes were full of more buts, more what-ifs. “It just feels wrong. I don’t know, it feels like I can’t think straight but there’s this… awfulness hanging over us.”
“This isn’t awful, not really,” Orli relaxed into Elijah, letting his hands sooth and calm. “It’d only be awful if it could affect us.”
“So what’s awful then?” Elijah asked, turning in the circle of Orli’s arms just enough so that he could see Orli’s face, elbows and knees banging in the tiny space.
“Awful is,” Orli shrugged, shaking his head. “Awful was when you woke up feeling ill last year. There was a moment then, before the flu kicked in, when I stood in the bathroom looking at myself in the mirror and thought, ‘What if?’” Orli’s face was suddenly filled with grey lines of strain and pain that made Elijah realise just how he did feel.
“Awful is that micro second when my hand goes down to your groin and I think I feel another lump even though I know there isn’t one. Awful is the thought of cancer that is always haunting the back of my mind. Awful is the thought of losing you, of not being together in our new home.” He held onto Elijah, tight and sharp. “I’ve thought about this a lot over the last few days and I’ve realised just how important we are. Other people, anything outside, simply doesn’t matter. We’re all that counts and we’re all right so there is no awful.”
Elijah pulled his hand from Orli’s, reaching out to run a finger along the curving neckline of Orli’s t shirt, touching the skin underneath. “I thought I was meant to be the practical one of us, when did you get to be so clever?”
“Elijah, I came so close to losing you that I had to stop and think about what’s important. It took me long enough to sort it out in my head, but I’ve done it. What’s happening now has shaken me but I know, I deep down inside know, it’s not important. It’s just reinforced what I’d already worked out, outside doesn’t matter. You do understand, don’t you?”
Elijah nodded, almost imperceptibly, but Orli saw it. “I know you,” Orli went on. “I know you better than I’ve ever known anyone, you’re a good man.”
“I must be doing something right to get you,” Elijah stroked up Orli’s neck to his jaw. He hesitated a moment then went on. “There was never any question of my not showing you the pictures, but there was a instant when I did wonder how you’d react. I know how hard it must have been for you to see them.”
“Yeah, it hurt,” Orli nodded. “But I’ve been burying the jealousy so hard and for so long I could push it away,” he looked at Elijah steadily. “You’ve proved enough times how much you love me and you’re the most loyal man I know.”
“Apart from you,” Elijah said seriously. “You are every bit as loyal as I am.”
“Nah,” Orli tried to shrug it off. “I just fancy the arse off you, even after all this time.”
Elijah tried to laugh dutifully, then dropped his hand back to Orli’s. “I didn’t realise you felt like that about the cancer. Were you really that worried? It’s not like I get sick often, not like you and your endless colds.”
“It’s cancer, I hate that word, and I know what it can mean. What it would mean if it came back,” he suddenly caught hold of Elijah’s jaw, holding it secure as though just his grip could fasten Elijah there forever. “It isn’t going to, I won’t let it, but even if it did it wouldn’t be the end. ‘Lijah, awful is if we’d never met, if we’d passed each other on that train station or you’d gone to stay with someone else.”
Elijah stared right back at Orli, his eyes wide and fixed. “If you think never meeting me would’ve been bad then take a minute to imagine what it’d be like for me, if I’d never met you. At least you had an idea what life could be like, me, I didn’t even know what I was missing. If I’d never come to stay with you I’d still be doing what I did before. Or more likely I’d be dead in some stinking room somewhere, broken and used up, never knowing what it could have been like, what I could have been like. Never even knowing what I’d missed.”
Orli pressed his lips together and tried hard to control the twitching muscles in his face and neck. Slowly, so slowly, his eyes never leaving Elijah’s, he eased his grip till he could stroke his thumb along the soft line of Elijah’s chin. “Then I guess we just have to offer up a joint thank you to the powers-that-be that we did meet, that we have got this far. We also have to remember what’s important; only us. Obsessive it maybe but true.”
Elijah bent his head and kissed the palm of Orli’s hand. “Us,” he said, his eyes going back up. “Only us.” He kissed Orli once then twisted round again, pulling Orli in close, spooned together. Orli linked their hands and angled his bent knees up under Elijah’s so that they were touching as much as possible.
“You know what’s surprised me today,” Orli asked.
“What?” Elijah pushed back, God he felt so safe, so protected.
“Your mum, I bloody hate admitting this but,” Orli wriggled, his face screwing up with the effort. “She has actually done some thing for you. I mean the old witch was actually offering us her money so we could get away. Can you believe that? Her, doing anything for somebody else, amazing.”
“Told you she loves me,” Elijah smiled.
“Yeah, but to offer us money? She even gave me some of her gin, unbelievable.”
Elijah couldn’t help but laugh at that, it was pretty amazing.
Orli felt Elijah’s chest shake with amusement and hugged him tight, burying his nose in his neck. Elijah, his Elijah. He inhaled that wonderful smell again and let it ground him in a way that nothing else could. “I love you,” he whispered into the folds of Elijah’s neck. Elijah sensed it rather than heard it. He patted at Orli’s hand and felt the numbness in his belly start to fade.
“You think we should have taken her up on her offer and run?” Elijah had to ask.
“No,” Orli shrugged. “Where would we go? And more importantly, why should we?” When Elijah didn’t answer Orli went on. “Do you want to?” he asked softly. “We can if you want to.”
“No,” Elijah shook his head. “I’m not running.” He didn’t say it with any great determination or anger, more a reconciled acceptance. “I only care about one thing, you, and if you can handle it…” he left the sentence open but the implication was obvious. “What can he do to me that’s worth running for the rest of my life?”
“Our lives,” Orli said, slipping his hand tighter round Elijah. “Running for the rest of ‘our’ lives.” For a moment Elijah stopped and rested in the comfort of that. He would be okay. “We’ll be all right mate, as long as we stick together.”
“I’m not going anywhere,” Elijah said.
“Good,” Orli rested the flat of his hand on Elijah’s belly. “Except home tomorrow. Your mum might have offered us money but she’s still a witch.”
Elijah smiled at the softness of Orli’s tone. This time yesterday he’d have been calling her names with real bitterness. “Go on, admit it, you don’t think she’s quite as bad.”
“Now I never said that!” Orli said indignantly. “It’s just, fuck, I guess she has tried to protect you. It’s obvious she’s scared shitless of this bloke and she didn’t want you anywhere near him. She was pretty useless but at least she tried. It doesn’t make up for all the rubbish she put you through though.”
“She’s always done what she thought was best for me, that’s what you won’t see.”
“Yeah right,” this was an old argument, one they’d had too many times in the past. Orli didn’t believe one word of it but he wasn’t about to go over it again. “She got you away from him as soon as she found out he’d fucked you, we have to be thankful for that.”
“What if he’s as bad as she thinks?” Elijah asked. “What if he can come up with things to hurt us that we can’t even imagine?”
Orli shrugged, his hand playing with the sparse hairs on Elijah’s belly. “I don’t know, I guess we’ll deal with that when it happens. But we’ll handle it.”
Elijah sighed in pleasure at Orli’s confidence. It really would be all right. “I love you too, you know. You may be a pig-headed idiot at time but I wouldn’t change you.”
Orli smiled. “My stubbornness has its advantages, it’s made me stick with you even though you boss me around.”
“I do not!” Elijah tried to turn round but Orli held him fast, tickling at his belly. Elijah squirmed and wriggled, using his elbows to dig ruthlessly at Orli as he tried to face him. In a mass limbs and giggles he eventually succeeded, pushing Orli flat on his back and rolling on top. “Fuck, I love you,” he laughed breathlessly.
“Not half as much as I love you mate,” Orli held him tight.
Attached at the hip.
+
Next morning Silvia shuffled out of her room in dressing grown and slippers, with dark bags under her eyes and a face that looked like it might just crack. Orli flattened himself against the wall as she passed, without her make up – war paint – on she looked... pretty frigging scary really.
He made tea and toast for breakfast whilst Elijah packed up their stuff ready to go home. It felt weird, things had changed big time, although it was none of the important things, none of his foundations. But Orli couldn’t shake off the nagging ‘something’ that itched at his back. Neither could he quite identify it.
Silvia held her hand out for black coffee as Elijah went for a shower. She eyed Orli over the rim of her cup and his skin itched for a completely different reason. “What?” he asked.
“You’d better bloody well look after him,” there wasn’t really any heat in her words.
“I will.”
“That man’s fucking evil and he’s got my boy in his sights.” Orli wasn’t sure whether it was anger or fear in Silvia’s eyes, they were too bloodshot to tell. Whatever it was, she needed to know where she stood. Orli thought what she’d done to protect Elijah was worth that much.
He turned to face her. “You might hate my guts but understand something, I’ll protect ‘your boy’ with my dying breath. Anyone wants to hurt him, they’ll have to go through me.”
Silvia’s mouth opened but she hesitated. This... lanky bit of shit might be a complete bastard but he loved Elijah, she knew that. And if he had seen the pictures, knew it was Elijah’s father and was still here, still loving her son, well, maybe. “What good will you be? Too skinny, not enough muscle, how are you going to fight that fucker?”
Orli shrugged. “There are more ways to fight then with your fists but if I need to, I’ll do that as well.” Silvia hitched a shoulder in turn, accepting because she had no choice, not because she wanted to. “Let’s face it,” Orli said. “You can’t do anything anymore and you know I’ll give it everything because I have too much to lose.”
She looked him up and down. Too middle class, too tall, too pretty... but she saw the way he looked at Elijah, knew what it meant. Recognised that wrenching in her belly as out-and-out envy. If he couldn’t protect Elijah, no one could. “Just... take care of him,” she reached out and almost touched Orli’s arm, pulling back at the last moment. As always.
“I will,” Orli said. “You have my word on that.”
And then Elijah burst through the door, breaking the spell. “Well fuck me, are you two having a bonding moment?”
Silvia glared, Orli scowled. “Shut up you little tosser,” Orli threw the car keys at him. “Are you ready at last?”
“Yeah, I’m ready.” Elijah turned to his mum and it was his turn to pause. He didn’t know how he felt about her at the moment, he had to think about the past, about a lot of things. But she looked pretty pitiful right then, as though she’d just seen her last ten pound note washed down the drain. “All right mum?” He patted her elbow, not wanting an answer. “We’ll get out of your way now.” He headed for the door, grabbing Orli by the hand as he went past.
“Elijah, I,” Silvia stopped and Elijah had no choice but to turn back to her. She looked even worse. Bruised. Best word he could come up with to describe it. Old and bruised and battered.
“It’s all right,” he touched her arm again, leaving his hand there for a moment, and smiled softly. “I’ll give you a ring tonight, let you know we got back safely. And thanks, thanks for,” he shrugged. “Thanks.”
+
Chapter: Five
Author: Arabia
Pairing: Elijah/Orli
Rating N17
Disclaimer: Total fiction
Feedback: Is always very much appreciated.
This is NOT a WIP – it is all finished and will be posted once a week.
The first four stories can be found in my memories.
Thank you to my darling otp
grievous_angel for the wonderful beta and all the support, and to annwyn55 for making the beautiful icon that goes with the fic.This story is for Pum. She knows why and it is perfect.
Us Against The World
This chapter start at just the moment chapter 4 finished.
Chapter Five
For a long moment everything in the room seemed to stop then Elijah visibly rocked backwards as though he’d been punched in the gut. He did the only thing he knew, turning, calling a desperate, “Orlando,” and searching for Orli’s face with wild eyes.
Orli didn’t think, doing the only thing he knew, catching Elijah’s elbow and pulling him close. He wrapped his arms tight around Elijah, a hand going up to his hair and pushing, forcing, Elijah’s face into his neck, his own face in Elijah’s hair. For a long moment it was as if they were caught in their own space, impenetrable, as the world was locked out. They breathed in each other’s smell till it calmed them through the initial shock.
Orli moved till his lips were on Elijah’s ear. “You’re safe. You’re safe with me, you’ll always be safe. You’re home.”
Home. Safe. The words that comforted Elijah, the words he needed. He pressed his face closer against Orli’s neck and breathed in slowly. The smell of home. After another moment he opened his eyes and looked up.
“All right?” Orli asked.
“No, I don’t know. Maybe,” Elijah admitted.
“We’ll be all right,” Orli said with certainty.
The strong arms holding him tight and the confidence in Orli’s voice helped to calm the nauseous rolling of Elijah’s belly and the twisting of his nerves. But it was the ‘we’ that Orli had said that really made a difference. Then he looked at his mother.
Her face was twisted again, all sorts of emotions he couldn’t identify and ones he didn’t want to think about. “I’m sorry son. I didn’t want to tell you, not ever. You made me,” her voice croaked and her chin began to quiver. She was going to cry. His hard-as-nails, bitch of a mother was going to cry.
Elijah ran, sprinting out the door before anyone realised what was happening. One minute he’d been in Orli’s arms and then…
Orli stood dazed: Elijah’s father.
“Get after him then, you stupid bastard,” Silvia brought Orli back, one hand scrubbing across her eyes. “He bloody needs you.”
He needs me. The thought hit Orli like a clenched fist in the face and he was off, running, before he took another breath. Of course the lift wasn’t working, of course not, so he pounded down the stairs, taking them two, three at a time, almost falling arse over tit more than once. He hit the swing doors at the entrance of the building so hard the broken glass in it almost disintegrated, but he couldn’t stop, not now.
He could see Elijah streaking across the car park, heels and elbows flying as he ran flat out. Orli pushed past a girl in a velour tracksuit, a cigarette hanging out of her mouth and a pushchair held in front of her like a weapon. He ignored her shouts of abuse and headed after Elijah, his longer legs making some headway but, shit, Elijah was going fast.
Round the parked cars, past the row of everything-for-a-pound shops, up the alley next to the pub and down into the underpass, Elijah’s didn’t let up, dodging cars as he ran across the road into the so called industrial estate. Half a dozen knackered or empty warehouses hardly made an industrial estate and it was even more deserted now, on a Saturday, when nothing was open.
Orli’s speed meant it was fairly easy for him to catch up enough so that Elijah was in sight, but he didn’t get any closer, following but giving Elijah space. Elijah ran along the deserted roads, jumping stray boxes of rubbish, heading nowhere. Eventually he reached the back of the estate, marked by a high wire fence. He started to climb it but his feet wouldn’t fit in the small gaps and he slipped. What was the point anyway? There was only a railway line on the other side.
He squatted down, hands still hooked high in the fence, his head drooped, breathing hard, and waited for the sound of Orli’s footstep. Orli. Elijah had known he was following, running fast as he could safe in the knowledge that Orli could catch him. He was grateful that he hadn’t, not yet.
Soon, but not yet.
Orli stopped a few feet away and watched Elijah’s heaving shoulders. After a couple of minutes he sat on the dirty concrete, the cold immediately starting to seep into his bum, and waited. Elijah sighed in gratitude and dropped to his knees.
They stayed like that for a long time, Elijah couldn’t tell how long, Orli didn’t care, until eventually, after the longest time, Elijah turned round. He sat down, knees bent up, back against the fence and gave the loudest sigh, his cheeks puffing out, his lips vibrating with the force. “You’re still there then,” he looked at Orli, the warmth in his eyes unmistakable.
“Got nowhere else to go,” Orli shrugged.
Elijah tilted his head to one side. “You still love me?”
“Fucking stupid question,” Orli snorted.
Elijah leaned back and smiled softly. “I still love you.”
“And so you should,” Orli’s smile was warmer, more heartfelt.
Attached at the hip, Elijah thought. Attached at the hip. He closed his eyes and sighed again before looking back at Orli. “I sucked him off Orlando,” he rubbed a hand over his face. “I sucked off my own father and swallowed his spunk before bending over and letting him fuck me.”
“You didn’t know,” Orli pointed out.
“Does that make any difference?”
“Of course it does. You had no idea who he was.”
“You know, it would have been so much easier if I’d fucked your father rather than mine,” Elijah laughed but there was no humour in it.
“Don’t know if my parents would agree with you on that one,” Orli scooted round onto his knees, moving further forward. “You didn’t know. He’s the one that did wrong, not you. He abused you, even if he didn’t have to hold you down to do it.”
“Fuck,” Elijah looked up at the steel grey, bleak sky for a moment before his eyes went back to Orli’s face. “He was meant to be special. In my head he was the one who’d come and make it better after my Nan died. He was going to be a prince or rich or a famous footballer, and he’d turn up one day and welcome his son with open arms before whisking me off to a wonderful new life that wasn’t hard or sordid. He was my fantasy.” He fought for a moment to control his emotions, his face screwing up with the effort. “Instead he turns out to be a pervert like all the other, only worse.”
“I’m sorry,” Orli placed his hand on Elijah’s knee, his fingers arching into a grip. “I’m sorry you lost your dreams, your chance for a better future.”
Elijah suddenly grabbed at Orli’s wrist, squeezing hard. “I got my dream, I got you. You turned out to be my knight in shining armour.”
“Am I?” Orli asked. “I hope I am.”
“Of course you are. But he was,” he looked away, then back again, fighting at emotions. “Just… fuck Orlando, why? Why’d he do it? He knew who I was, all that crap he said, how I was ‘made for him,’ he knew I was his son.”
“I don’t know,” Orli shook his head. “I don’t understand how a twisted mind like that works. Maybe it’s like with rape, maybe it’s all about power.”
“The bastard, the fucking bastard,” but the words were said without heat as Elijah scrubbed at his face again. Orli crawled forward the last bit, his hand going up to massage Elijah’s neck.
“Total bastard,” Orli agreed. “But fuck him, fuck everything about him. You don’t need him, let the bastard drown in his own evil. He can’t bother us.”
“Can’t he?” Elijah looked up.
“Another fucking stupid question, you’ve used up your quota of those today,” Orli sat next to Elijah, bodies pressed together, arm round his shoulder.
“You sure? This isn’t going to affect how you think about me, is it?”
“Of fuck off,” Orli exclaimed. “He’s the bad one, him, not you. You aren’t what someone has done to you, you’re the man you’ve made yourself. You can’t let that shithead take it away from you and nothing is going to affect how I feel about you.”
Elijah let his head flop to the side, resting it on Orli’s shoulder. “I love you.”
“Course you bloody do,” Orli squeezed him close. “But not half as much as I love you.” He rubbed his chin into Elijah’s hair. “You going to be all right?”
“Yeah. I don’t know. Maybe.”
“Yes you are,” Orli rocked him gently. “You’ve got no choice I’m going to make sure you’re all right.”
“Thanks,” Elijah said quietly.
“You’re more than welcome mate, more than welcome.”
They sat like that for a long time, amongst the rusting coke cans, the dirt and the empty cigarette packets, till their bums were numb and their faces frozen by the chill wind. Elijah didn’t want to move, couldn’t think of a single reason to get up when Orli was so close. He didn’t know if he could think at all. It was too much.
In the end it started to rain, the fine drizzle that soaks into your skin if you let it, the sort of rain that only England can produce. Orli clambered awkwardly to his feet, stamping some life back into his stiff limbs, and reached down to drag Elijah up. “You think we should go back and see how your mum’s doing?
Elijah nodded, tucking one hand in his pocket, the other into Orli’s waistband. It was freezing. Orli pulled it out and rubbed it hard then linked their fingers together and put both hands into his own pocket. They started to walk back slowly; very slowly. Elijah pushed into Orli, almost as though he was accidentally bumping him, and Orli took the hint, pulling him in closer.
“First time I’ve ever heard you worry about my mum,” Elijah said, his face turned into Orli’s arm. “Must be a miracle.”
“Well, I…” Orli hitched a shoulder. “I don’t know, I…” he puffed out a breath. “I’m not exactly worried, I know that old bird can take care of herself.” God, it irked him to admit he felt anything but contempt for the woman but, well, she had been really scared. Scared of that bastard. Scared of that bastard who was Elijah’s father. Fuck. Don’t think about that, not now, not while Elijah needed him so badly.
Elijah smiled and rubbed his cheek against the damp denim of Orli’s jacket. “I’m sure she can. It’s still a first though,” he let the implications hang in the air.
Orli made a ‘humph’ sound of disagreement or annoyance or something deep in his throat and steered Elijah round a corner. This area was really shitty, even half the pound shops had closed down and the rest had metal grills on the windows. Who would rob a pound shop? He was so glad he hadn’t had to live somewhere like this and gave his parents a mental hug for his nice, safe childhood.
+
Silvia was sat bent over in her arm chair, a half empty bottle of gin on the coffee table in front of her. She wasn’t drunk by any means but she would have liked to be, at least to be drunk enough so she couldn’t think or feel. She took another mouthful of pure undiluted alcohol, shuddered, then looked up as the door opened.
Elijah. She almost wished he’d gone home, at least she wouldn’t have to face him. She couldn’t imagine how he must be feeling right now; best not to try then. She drank another large measure. He had his pretty-boy boyfriend to take care of him, he didn’t need her, thank God. Nobody needed her.
“You all right mum?” Elijah asked, pretty-boy’s hand on his shoulder, comforting him.
“Never better,” she tried a smile at him. “You want one?” she waved her glass at him.
“Yeah, why not?”
“Get a glass then,” Silvia pushed the bottle across the table whilst Elijah found two glasses in a cupboard. He filled them, handing the least chipped to Orli, and they sat on the sofa facing her. Silvia looked at the bottle, her glass, the blank TV screen, anywhere but at her son.
“Are you going to tell me about him then?” Elijah asked, when it became clear she wasn’t going to talk.
Silvia gave a half hitch of her shoulders, her mouth moulding into a grimace of distaste. “Nothing to tell.”
Elijah let it wash over him, there was no point fighting her, he’d learned long ago that she could be the most annoying, most stubborn awkward woman in history. Only thing to do was slowly coax her along till you got what you wanted. Elijah was very skilled at that. “Where did you meet him?” Start easy, it was the only way.
“What does it matter?” she risked a quick glance at him.
“For the last twenty odd years you’ve told me you didn’t know who my father was, that he could be anyone one of a dozen guys. Now you tell me you do know, that I’ve met him, more than met him. I want to know something about him.” Silvia recognised the set of Elijah’s jaw, it had nothing to do with his quiet, reasonable tone. He wasn’t going to be budged. She sighed, giving into the inevitable.
“I met him when he was doing community service after getting out of prison. Your Nan said he was no good, but,” she shrugged again. “He was flash and confident, he had a car, splashed money around and I was only fifteen.”
“What happened?”
Silvia’s face closed up and she reached for her drink, her hand shaking slightly. “It didn’t take me long to find out she was right. He… frightened me,” and the way she said it left no doubt that she still was frightened.
“Did he hit you?”
“Yeah, but that’s nothing,” she dismissed it. “They all hit you. He was something else.” She finished what was in her glass and filled it again before pulling her feet in, pushing her slippers tight under the chair as she sat up a little straighter. “I couldn’t get away from him, years it went on. He’d just turn up whenever he wanted and just demand. I couldn’t say no, no one could say no to him, but he seemed to get some sort of twisted bloody pleasure out of it; seeing me squirm, seeing me scared.”
“I got the police involved once,” it was all pouring out now the dam had been opened. “He broke my arm for that, he said I was his and he could do what he liked with me. I begged him to let me move away and in the end he said I could but there was a condition,” she glanced at Elijah but he couldn’t read her eyes. “He wanted a baby. He said I could go if I had his baby.”
“And you agreed?” Orli asked, appalled. It was only Elijah’s hand on his thigh that prevented him saying a lot more.
“You’ve got no fucking idea,” Silvia snarled at Orli. “You with your safe, middle class upbringing, you have no idea what it’s like to be frightened.” And Orli had to admit he didn’t.
“I’d got pregnant by him before, had a couple of abortions, and I just thought anything, I’d do anything to get away from him. So I got pregnant with you,” she had the decency to look at Elijah this time, an apology in her eyes. “After I got to the stage where I couldn’t get another abortion he let me go and I moved away. I didn’t see him again, I thought he’d forgotten all about me, that making me have his baby was his way of never letting me forget him. I,” she looked away but then, slowly, back.
“I was going to have you adopted but I’d gone to live with your Nan and she was just love-struck over you the minute she saw you. I was still going to do it but she said I could only stay if we kept you so,” she shrugged, no more explanation necessary. “I should have done it, handed you over to someone who could have given you a decent life.”
“She loved you though, didn’t she?” Silvia said suddenly, almost pleading. “I know I never did much with you, but she gave you a good life, all the things a little kid needed, didn’t she?”
“Yes,” Elijah felt his eyes swim. “Nan gave me what I needed, she loved me. You didn’t though,” he said very softly.
“I did! I did love you, I still do,” Silvia exclaimed.
“Not when I was little you didn’t, you could hardly stand to be near me.”
“I…” Silvia twisted in her seat, her hand going to her face then her neck, pulling at the collar of her cardigan as though she were trying to hide behind it. “I did love you,” she said more softly, almost to herself. “I just…” she couldn’t finish.
“Just what mum?” Elijah leant forward and touched her knee. When she looked at him there were tears in her eyes.
“When you were little I was always scared of you, scared that you were like him. Scared that you’d have some of his evil in you, even if it was only a little bit and tucked away,” she patted his hand on her knee. “You scared me, to think that you might take after him, but you don’t,” her hand went up to touch his face, just briefly. “You’re nothing at all like him, you’re a good man and I do love you.”
Elijah caught her hand and held it tightly in his. “I know you do and I love you too.”
“A good man,” Silvia repeated, her fingers curling over his for a moment, then her eyes turned hard again and she pulled her hand away. “But that just means you’re no match for him, you have to get away.”
“I won’t hide,” Elijah said firmly. “I won’t hide and I won’t run from him.”
“Then you are a fucking idiot. Listen to me,” she appealed to both of them. “You don’t know him, know what he’s capable of. He’ll hurt you just because he likes hurting people, he’s not bluffing.”
“What did he do to you?” Orli asked.
Silvia looked from one to the other, her hand coming up to brush their concerns away. “It doesn’t matter, it’s in the past,” but from her shaken state it was obviously all too close to the surface. “Elijah is what’s important now, you have to get him away or hand over the money.”
“I’m not giving him anything,” Elijah said before Orli could open his mouth. “I’m not giving him anything and I’m not hiding from him.” The quiet, emphatic tone of Elijah’s voice left Orli in no doubt that he meant every word and that there’d be no changing his mind. “I don’t want that kind of life, to be always running, always scared.”
“Was it so bad?” Silvia asked and Elijah suddenly realised what she meant.
“He was why we were always moving, wasn’t he? You were trying to get away from him.”
“I was trying to keep you away from him,” she said flatly. “I’d hear on the grapevine that he was close and I’d up and move us. We had to stay one step ahead of him and we did until…” her hand went to her mouth again and this time she held it there as she rocked back and forwards.
“Mum,” Elijah didn’t know what his question was.
Silvia poured more gin, drinking as her face grimaced. “When you came home that day and told me,” she rocked some more as though saying it was almost too much to admit. “Told me what he’d done to you, told me that he’d said I sent you, I wanted to lock you in your room and never let you out again. I couldn’t do that but I had to protect you so I did the only thing I knew how, I ran. I took you and ran has hard and as fast as I could, I didn’t know what else to do, I couldn’t let him hurt you.”
She looked over, her eyes glued to Elijah’s face. “I’m sorry love, I’m sorry he ever got near you, I’m sorry you have to know any of this. Most of all I’m sorry that you have to fight him, because you will have to. If you won’t run or pay him you’ll have to fight because he’ll keep after you. He knew who you were when he fucked you, he did it to hurt you and me and to prove he’s still the big man. He’ll destroy you just because he can.”
For the first time Elijah felt himself waver. No one, but no one, made his mum truly scared. Over the years he’d seen her bruised and beaten by men, cowering down at their feet as they hit or kicked her. But they only did it once because when Silvia stood, she came up fighting. Foul language, vicious acts of revenge, spiteful reprisals and even fists flying; he’d seen his mother do them all. But never, ever, had he seen her really frightened.
Only this man could do it and he was trying to blackmail Elijah now. How could he possibly fight that?
Elijah wavered and he started to shake. He sucked in a big breath, holding it deep in his lungs trying to ground himself. It wasn’t working.
Then there was a hand on the small of his back, a thigh pressed close to his, fingers reaching for his. “He won’t destroy Elijah because I won’t let him,” Orli said.
Elijah wasn’t alone. He could do it.
“I might not be able to physically fight him,” Orli went on. “But I’m stronger than him in every other way,” his hand rubbed against Elijah’s back and Elijah felt himself sink, with no effort or thought, against him. “I’m stronger because I have something worth fighting for and he has nothing.” Elijah gave up and gave in, resting his head on Orli’s shoulder and closing his eyes.
+
Orli went out and bought fish and chips but no one ate much, picking at their plates before pushing them away. Silvia didn’t even manage that, she was so drunk she could hardly hold a fork, let alone aim it at her mouth. By eight o’clock they had dragged her to her feet, practically carried her to her room and poured her into bed. Elijah followed the old routine, taking off her fluffy slippers and loosening her clothes before covering her with the duvet.
He pushed back the hair from her face and looked at her. It was no good, he didn’t know what to think, what to feel. He went in search of Orli. They sat curled together on the sofa, not really watching the murder mystery on the telly for a while until Orli suggested bed.
Walking to the bathroom Orli stopped outside Silvia’s bedroom door. The hopeless sounds of her crying could clearly be heard through the thin chipboard. He reached for the door handle but Elijah shook his head. “Don’t, she wouldn’t like it. We’re not that type of people, she’d only hate us in the morning.” Feeling strangely disturbed, Orli left the door and moved away.
In the spare room – Elijah’s old room – there was one narrow bed. They hadn’t intended to stay the night, they’d never both stayed before, but tonight they were too weary, too emotionally shattered to consider driving back. “If you’ve got a spare cover I’ll sleep on the settee,” Orli said, watching as Elijah pulled at his clothes, hands so exhausted they almost shook.
Elijah stopped, jeans half off his leg, and looked at Orli with slightly desperate, slightly wild eyes. “No. I… Don’t go. I need you here.”
“All right,” Orli smiled softly. “I’ll bring the cushions off the settee in here and make up a bed on the floor right next to you.”
“Do you mind?”
“Don’t be daft,” he smiled again.
“You have the bed, I’ll go on the floor,” Elijah decided.
“No,” Orli caught Elijah as he headed back to the living room, pulling him into an easy hug. “You can have the numb arm when you reach down so we can hold hands.” He kissed Elijah, just softly, just so he’d know.
“Are we going to hold hands then?” Elijah leaned into Orli.
“Course we are,” Orli kissed the edges of Elijah’s mouth then the centre again. “We’re always going to hold hands.”
Elijah sighed and leant in even further, letting Orli take his weight as he trembled imperceptibly. Orli held him close, one hand stroking soft patterns on his back, the other on his shoulders as he dropped soft kisses into his hair. Elijah tightened the circle of his arms around Orli, gripping onto the back of his t shirt for dear life as he let go and let the emotions of the day flood his system.
For a brief moment it was all too much and he thought he wouldn’t be able to stand it, but then Orli’s nose was rubbing against the side of his head, Orli’s hands were holding him close. Safe: he felt safe.
Safe and home. He could stand anything if he had those two things.
Eventually he felt calm enough to pull away, kissing Orli’s jaw line and smiling up shyly. “You get the cushions, I’ll try and find some covers.” Orli kissed him once more, soft and gentle, then let him go.
It worked out just as Orli had predicted, Elijah lay on his side and reached over the edge of the bed so he could tangle his fingers with Orli’s. It was good, he felt connected, but it wasn’t quite enough. After twenty minutes of not being able to settle, of always feeling one side of him was cold, Elijah gave up. “I can’t do this, I can’t sleep,” he sat up in bed. “Either you’re going to have to come up here or I’m going to come down there.”
“This floor is bloody hard and there’s no room on these cushions for two.”
“I’ll be all right if I just roll over, fall out of bed and land on top of you,” Elijah’s reasoned.
“You daft idiot,” Orli laughed, getting up. “Okay, I’m willing to try if you are. Two people in the world’s smallest bed is a challenge if nothing else. But I’m going next to the wall, you can fall out if you want, I’m not.”
“You’re on,” Elijah scooted forward and lifted the edge of the duvet. “And it’s not the world’s smallest. Small but not the smallest.”
“Even a kid would have trouble sleeping in this,” Orli lay on his side, spooning himself around Elijah and pulling him back till they fitted together perfectly.
“I managed,” Elijah wriggled, his back pushing against Orli’s chest, his arse against Orli’s thigh as he pulled Orli’s arm tighter around himself.
“I bet you were even skinnier as a kid than you are now,” Orli angled his head around Elijah and settled. “I can just imagine you sleeping in here.”
Elijah thought about it as well, in the last few years he’d often wondered why his mother had stayed in this flat for so long, they’d always moved around when he was a kid. He guessed he knew why now.
“You should get some sleep,” Orli broke into his thoughts. “You’re exhausted.”
“I feel…” Elijah wasn’t quite sure how he did feel. “I feel wiped out. I’m shattered but its like I don’t know what I think, how I should take it.”
“Don’t let it get to you,” Orli said softly, as he stroked the flesh on Elijah’s belly. “I mean really, does any of it matter?”
“But he’s my father,” Elijah said, a world of heartbreak in that last word.
“So?” Orli took Elijah’s hand, smoothing over his fingers. “It doesn’t matter, I’m telling you, it doesn’t matter, not in the grand scheme of things.”
“But,” Elijah stopped, biting at his lip and Orli held a little tighter.
“Listen to me,” Orli said, his lips close to Elijah’s ear. “Everything that’s happened today is about the wrong other people have done, not us. We’re still safe and that’s all that really counts.”
“Doesn’t any of it bother you?”
He felt Orli huff out a long breath, then settle. “You know me, you know I take a while to workout what I think, what I feel. But I have now. Do the pictures bother me? Not as much as I thought they would. You told me a long time ago what you’d got up to in the past, and I’m not stupid, I could imagine what it would look like. I don’t like them but I can put them to one side. Am I bothered because he was your father? That’s easier, no. I don’t see what that has to do with us.”
Elijah was silent but his eyes were full of more buts, more what-ifs. “It just feels wrong. I don’t know, it feels like I can’t think straight but there’s this… awfulness hanging over us.”
“This isn’t awful, not really,” Orli relaxed into Elijah, letting his hands sooth and calm. “It’d only be awful if it could affect us.”
“So what’s awful then?” Elijah asked, turning in the circle of Orli’s arms just enough so that he could see Orli’s face, elbows and knees banging in the tiny space.
“Awful is,” Orli shrugged, shaking his head. “Awful was when you woke up feeling ill last year. There was a moment then, before the flu kicked in, when I stood in the bathroom looking at myself in the mirror and thought, ‘What if?’” Orli’s face was suddenly filled with grey lines of strain and pain that made Elijah realise just how he did feel.
“Awful is that micro second when my hand goes down to your groin and I think I feel another lump even though I know there isn’t one. Awful is the thought of cancer that is always haunting the back of my mind. Awful is the thought of losing you, of not being together in our new home.” He held onto Elijah, tight and sharp. “I’ve thought about this a lot over the last few days and I’ve realised just how important we are. Other people, anything outside, simply doesn’t matter. We’re all that counts and we’re all right so there is no awful.”
Elijah pulled his hand from Orli’s, reaching out to run a finger along the curving neckline of Orli’s t shirt, touching the skin underneath. “I thought I was meant to be the practical one of us, when did you get to be so clever?”
“Elijah, I came so close to losing you that I had to stop and think about what’s important. It took me long enough to sort it out in my head, but I’ve done it. What’s happening now has shaken me but I know, I deep down inside know, it’s not important. It’s just reinforced what I’d already worked out, outside doesn’t matter. You do understand, don’t you?”
Elijah nodded, almost imperceptibly, but Orli saw it. “I know you,” Orli went on. “I know you better than I’ve ever known anyone, you’re a good man.”
“I must be doing something right to get you,” Elijah stroked up Orli’s neck to his jaw. He hesitated a moment then went on. “There was never any question of my not showing you the pictures, but there was a instant when I did wonder how you’d react. I know how hard it must have been for you to see them.”
“Yeah, it hurt,” Orli nodded. “But I’ve been burying the jealousy so hard and for so long I could push it away,” he looked at Elijah steadily. “You’ve proved enough times how much you love me and you’re the most loyal man I know.”
“Apart from you,” Elijah said seriously. “You are every bit as loyal as I am.”
“Nah,” Orli tried to shrug it off. “I just fancy the arse off you, even after all this time.”
Elijah tried to laugh dutifully, then dropped his hand back to Orli’s. “I didn’t realise you felt like that about the cancer. Were you really that worried? It’s not like I get sick often, not like you and your endless colds.”
“It’s cancer, I hate that word, and I know what it can mean. What it would mean if it came back,” he suddenly caught hold of Elijah’s jaw, holding it secure as though just his grip could fasten Elijah there forever. “It isn’t going to, I won’t let it, but even if it did it wouldn’t be the end. ‘Lijah, awful is if we’d never met, if we’d passed each other on that train station or you’d gone to stay with someone else.”
Elijah stared right back at Orli, his eyes wide and fixed. “If you think never meeting me would’ve been bad then take a minute to imagine what it’d be like for me, if I’d never met you. At least you had an idea what life could be like, me, I didn’t even know what I was missing. If I’d never come to stay with you I’d still be doing what I did before. Or more likely I’d be dead in some stinking room somewhere, broken and used up, never knowing what it could have been like, what I could have been like. Never even knowing what I’d missed.”
Orli pressed his lips together and tried hard to control the twitching muscles in his face and neck. Slowly, so slowly, his eyes never leaving Elijah’s, he eased his grip till he could stroke his thumb along the soft line of Elijah’s chin. “Then I guess we just have to offer up a joint thank you to the powers-that-be that we did meet, that we have got this far. We also have to remember what’s important; only us. Obsessive it maybe but true.”
Elijah bent his head and kissed the palm of Orli’s hand. “Us,” he said, his eyes going back up. “Only us.” He kissed Orli once then twisted round again, pulling Orli in close, spooned together. Orli linked their hands and angled his bent knees up under Elijah’s so that they were touching as much as possible.
“You know what’s surprised me today,” Orli asked.
“What?” Elijah pushed back, God he felt so safe, so protected.
“Your mum, I bloody hate admitting this but,” Orli wriggled, his face screwing up with the effort. “She has actually done some thing for you. I mean the old witch was actually offering us her money so we could get away. Can you believe that? Her, doing anything for somebody else, amazing.”
“Told you she loves me,” Elijah smiled.
“Yeah, but to offer us money? She even gave me some of her gin, unbelievable.”
Elijah couldn’t help but laugh at that, it was pretty amazing.
Orli felt Elijah’s chest shake with amusement and hugged him tight, burying his nose in his neck. Elijah, his Elijah. He inhaled that wonderful smell again and let it ground him in a way that nothing else could. “I love you,” he whispered into the folds of Elijah’s neck. Elijah sensed it rather than heard it. He patted at Orli’s hand and felt the numbness in his belly start to fade.
“You think we should have taken her up on her offer and run?” Elijah had to ask.
“No,” Orli shrugged. “Where would we go? And more importantly, why should we?” When Elijah didn’t answer Orli went on. “Do you want to?” he asked softly. “We can if you want to.”
“No,” Elijah shook his head. “I’m not running.” He didn’t say it with any great determination or anger, more a reconciled acceptance. “I only care about one thing, you, and if you can handle it…” he left the sentence open but the implication was obvious. “What can he do to me that’s worth running for the rest of my life?”
“Our lives,” Orli said, slipping his hand tighter round Elijah. “Running for the rest of ‘our’ lives.” For a moment Elijah stopped and rested in the comfort of that. He would be okay. “We’ll be all right mate, as long as we stick together.”
“I’m not going anywhere,” Elijah said.
“Good,” Orli rested the flat of his hand on Elijah’s belly. “Except home tomorrow. Your mum might have offered us money but she’s still a witch.”
Elijah smiled at the softness of Orli’s tone. This time yesterday he’d have been calling her names with real bitterness. “Go on, admit it, you don’t think she’s quite as bad.”
“Now I never said that!” Orli said indignantly. “It’s just, fuck, I guess she has tried to protect you. It’s obvious she’s scared shitless of this bloke and she didn’t want you anywhere near him. She was pretty useless but at least she tried. It doesn’t make up for all the rubbish she put you through though.”
“She’s always done what she thought was best for me, that’s what you won’t see.”
“Yeah right,” this was an old argument, one they’d had too many times in the past. Orli didn’t believe one word of it but he wasn’t about to go over it again. “She got you away from him as soon as she found out he’d fucked you, we have to be thankful for that.”
“What if he’s as bad as she thinks?” Elijah asked. “What if he can come up with things to hurt us that we can’t even imagine?”
Orli shrugged, his hand playing with the sparse hairs on Elijah’s belly. “I don’t know, I guess we’ll deal with that when it happens. But we’ll handle it.”
Elijah sighed in pleasure at Orli’s confidence. It really would be all right. “I love you too, you know. You may be a pig-headed idiot at time but I wouldn’t change you.”
Orli smiled. “My stubbornness has its advantages, it’s made me stick with you even though you boss me around.”
“I do not!” Elijah tried to turn round but Orli held him fast, tickling at his belly. Elijah squirmed and wriggled, using his elbows to dig ruthlessly at Orli as he tried to face him. In a mass limbs and giggles he eventually succeeded, pushing Orli flat on his back and rolling on top. “Fuck, I love you,” he laughed breathlessly.
“Not half as much as I love you mate,” Orli held him tight.
Attached at the hip.
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Next morning Silvia shuffled out of her room in dressing grown and slippers, with dark bags under her eyes and a face that looked like it might just crack. Orli flattened himself against the wall as she passed, without her make up – war paint – on she looked... pretty frigging scary really.
He made tea and toast for breakfast whilst Elijah packed up their stuff ready to go home. It felt weird, things had changed big time, although it was none of the important things, none of his foundations. But Orli couldn’t shake off the nagging ‘something’ that itched at his back. Neither could he quite identify it.
Silvia held her hand out for black coffee as Elijah went for a shower. She eyed Orli over the rim of her cup and his skin itched for a completely different reason. “What?” he asked.
“You’d better bloody well look after him,” there wasn’t really any heat in her words.
“I will.”
“That man’s fucking evil and he’s got my boy in his sights.” Orli wasn’t sure whether it was anger or fear in Silvia’s eyes, they were too bloodshot to tell. Whatever it was, she needed to know where she stood. Orli thought what she’d done to protect Elijah was worth that much.
He turned to face her. “You might hate my guts but understand something, I’ll protect ‘your boy’ with my dying breath. Anyone wants to hurt him, they’ll have to go through me.”
Silvia’s mouth opened but she hesitated. This... lanky bit of shit might be a complete bastard but he loved Elijah, she knew that. And if he had seen the pictures, knew it was Elijah’s father and was still here, still loving her son, well, maybe. “What good will you be? Too skinny, not enough muscle, how are you going to fight that fucker?”
Orli shrugged. “There are more ways to fight then with your fists but if I need to, I’ll do that as well.” Silvia hitched a shoulder in turn, accepting because she had no choice, not because she wanted to. “Let’s face it,” Orli said. “You can’t do anything anymore and you know I’ll give it everything because I have too much to lose.”
She looked him up and down. Too middle class, too tall, too pretty... but she saw the way he looked at Elijah, knew what it meant. Recognised that wrenching in her belly as out-and-out envy. If he couldn’t protect Elijah, no one could. “Just... take care of him,” she reached out and almost touched Orli’s arm, pulling back at the last moment. As always.
“I will,” Orli said. “You have my word on that.”
And then Elijah burst through the door, breaking the spell. “Well fuck me, are you two having a bonding moment?”
Silvia glared, Orli scowled. “Shut up you little tosser,” Orli threw the car keys at him. “Are you ready at last?”
“Yeah, I’m ready.” Elijah turned to his mum and it was his turn to pause. He didn’t know how he felt about her at the moment, he had to think about the past, about a lot of things. But she looked pretty pitiful right then, as though she’d just seen her last ten pound note washed down the drain. “All right mum?” He patted her elbow, not wanting an answer. “We’ll get out of your way now.” He headed for the door, grabbing Orli by the hand as he went past.
“Elijah, I,” Silvia stopped and Elijah had no choice but to turn back to her. She looked even worse. Bruised. Best word he could come up with to describe it. Old and bruised and battered.
“It’s all right,” he touched her arm again, leaving his hand there for a moment, and smiled softly. “I’ll give you a ring tonight, let you know we got back safely. And thanks, thanks for,” he shrugged. “Thanks.”
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