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fellowshippers2006-01-05 05:57 pm
sairalinde.livejournal.com) wrote in fellowshippers2006-01-05 05:57 pm
Title: Honor Bound Chapter 3/?
Title: Honor Bound Chapter 3/?
Authors:![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
sairalinde & anorienbean
Rating: NC-17
Pairing: David Wenham/Craig Parker
Disclaimer: No money was made from this fic, and we do not mean to imply anything about the sexual preferences of anyone mentioned within.
Summary: A knight in the King's service, attacked by thieves and lost in the forest in the dead of winter, finds himself on the doorstep of a kind farmer who takes him in and cares for him. Falling in love with his savior, the knight is bound by an oath taken years ago against his better judgment.
Several hours later, Craig woke from a peaceful sleep, breathing much easier than he had the night before. Both arms were still wrapped around David’s shoulders and his cheek rested on the top of the other man’s head, buried in soft ginger hair. David’s arm was wrapped securely around his waist, and Craig heard his soft, deep breaths even as he felt them ghost across his skin. //He stayed. Even after I went to sleep, he stayed.// He moved his head to one side, studying David for a moment, and lifted one hand to gently brush the hair back from his forehead. //God in Heaven, he is the most handsome man I have ever seen.// He found himself staring at David’s lips, wondering if they were as soft and delicious as they looked. //You are losing your mind! Stop thinking of him that way! He wants only to help you and see you on your way...he’s probably already counting the days until you are well enough to travel again.// His own words rang in his head, but he found it impossible to look away from those lips, and his heart sped up slightly. //I’d love to see those eyes again…those beautiful blue eyes that I thought belonged to an angel. I was right about that, at least.//
David shifted slightly against the warmth surrounding him and then awareness seemed to dawn on him as he fully awoke. He tried to keep his eyes closed a little longer, wanting nothing more than to pretend he was asleep so he could hold Craig close some more, but decided that Craig wouldn't appreciate it if he knew the truth. Blinking a few times, he drew back slightly and looked up at Craig smiling sleepily. "You're awake," he said softly.
As clear blue eyes met his own, Craig’s breath caught in his throat. David’s eyes were even more breathtaking up close, he thought, when his mind wasn’t foggy with fever or exhaustion. He stared for a moment longer and then looked away, trying to make sense of his thoughts, or to at the very least, banish them to one corner where he could think about them later. “Yes,” he smiled, pretending not to notice that his arms were still holding David tightly. Seemingly without his knowledge, his traitorous hand gently cupped David’s shoulder, and his thumb rubbed in small circles over the fabric of his tunic. “I feel much better, though I’m still weak. And I’m sure you are feeling ridiculously close to a man who hasn’t bathed in a few days.” He *knew* he should remove his hand and allow David to move away, but said hand didn’t seem to want to cooperate. Pretending not to notice, he kept his gaze averted and simply enjoyed the feel of David’s arm across his stomach.
David laughed softly, feeling immensely pleased with the fact that Craig's hand was moving over his shoulder and he wished for a brief second that he wasn't wearing any clothes. "I think we can fix the not bathed issue. If you are feeling up to it, I think you should probably get up today, and move around if just a little. That rattle in your chest could get worse, rather than better, if you stay in bed too long," he warned gently. After a few moments, David shifted and sat up, and sighed as Craig's hand fell away. "After I take care of the animals, I'll come back and draw you a bath," David said, swinging his legs over the side of the bed and standing up. He stretched and slipped on his shoes before going over to the fireplace and adding some wood to it, making a mental note that he needed to haul in more firewood.
Craig sighed as David moved away, and rested his head back against the pillow, pretending to keep his eyes closed even as he watched the other man move around the room. Determined that today would be the day he would *stop* thinking of David this way, he started to sit up. The effort made him cough again, and he longed for more of the soothing salve on his chest…and not just for the medicinal effects. He sincerely believed that his caretaker’s gentle touch had soothed him more than the herbs. Shaking his head at himself, he quelled the coughing and tried to think about a nice, long bath. With warm water, soap, soft washcloths, and…David. //You are a hopeless fool, Craig. Completely and utterly hopeless.// “That would be perfect,” he said softly. “I could use the bath, without question, and I should start building my strength again so that I will no longer be a burden to you.”
David straightened up from the hearth and looked at Craig as he dusted off his hands. "Burden? Oh you haven't been a burden at all. I've welcomed having someone here...truth be told, I'm quite lonely, especially this time of year," David admitted and then looked down at the floor for a moment. "At any rate, I'm not glad you are so ill but I'm glad to have you here, as long as you need to stay to regain your strength you can consider this your home such as it is," David said softly before opening the bedroom door. Walking into the other room, he grabbed his cloak and walked back to the bedroom. "I won't be long, just need to take care of the animals. If you feel up to something stronger than soup or broth I'll be bringing back fresh eggs most likely," he smiled.
David’s eyes looked so sincere, that Craig couldn’t help but wonder if maybe, just maybe, he didn’t think of Craig as a burden after all. And lonely? How could a man like David be *lonely*? He could surely have his pick of anyone he chose to take an interest in. With eyes like that, the soft, gentle touch, and that smile that made his eyes crinkle at the corners and….//Once again. A stellar start to the day!// Making a mental note to think of a way to show his gratitude to David for all his help, Craig thought about trying to get up and draw his own bath. But he neither had the strength, nor the desire to wander David’s house alone. Besides…he liked being taken care of, of not having to worry about everything for a change. //You can admire….and dream. As long as you don’t carry through with anything else, you will be true to your oath.// “Perfect,” he said softly, resting back against the pillow and smiling. “Um…eggs, I mean. They sound absolutely perfect.”
David grabbed his milk bucket and the basket he used for gathering eggs and pulled his cloak tighter around himself as he wandered out into the wet snow to the barn. Once inside he set to work feeding then milking the cow. As he did, his cat Tegan rubbed against his leg. "You only come around when I have milk ya know?" he teased the cat as purred loudly at him.
He thought about Craig as he worked. What sort of life must he lead? Does he even really *have* a home? Does he have someone waiting for him? He hasn't mentioned anyone has he? Not even in his fever when he was mumbling he never said anyone's name…except David's. And last night…he hadn't been fevered last night, but he had asked David to share his bed, and had held him. Then this morning he had gently caressed his shoulder. What did that mean exactly? Was it a gesture of thanks or was it more than that?
Shaking his head at that thought, he finished with his task of milking and set about collecting the eggs and then feeding the chickens. Two of the hens he left setting, they would have chicks in the coming months and the thought saddened him that Craig would never see the farm at it's most beautiful in spring. It looked so dank and dreary right now…though the snow was beautiful. //Stop it, David. He won't be here, he probably won't be here much more than a few weeks while he recovers if that.//
He pushed away the thoughts as he moved to Craig's horse. The animal was magnificent, a powerful looking dark bay, certainly a horse befitting one of the king's men. He rubbed his muzzle and spoke to the horse softly. "I wish to thank you…without you I'd have never met Craig…and he might have died out in the wilds somewhere. I may only have a short time with him here…but…at least I was given that time," he whispered as he set out fresh feed for the beautiful horse.
The pond wasn't frozen this morning and he felt grateful for not having to break the ice for the other cows and the sheep. He walked by the well and lowered the bucket grateful again, when he pulled it back up that it wasn't frozen. The worst winters were when the well froze.
Returning to the house he stepped inside long enough to set the basket and bucket on the table and shoo Tegan back out of the house. "Go on with you…I'll give you some milk in a bit," he fussed at the yellow cat, and then hauled some firewood inside. First, he placed wood at the hearth in the kitchen and then took an armful to the bedroom. Smiling as he entered he saw Craig sitting up in the bed, his color really did look much better this morning.
"Firewood," he said lamely and could have smacked himself in the forehead. //He bloody well has *eyes*, David. Gorgeous blue ones…you certainly haven't forgotten that fact!//
Craig had dozed on and off as he’d waited for David to return. His dreams were filled with haunting blue eyes and the soft lilt of the voice that had soothed him in his sleep. Each time he awoke, he wondered if he’d missed David’s return, and fell back into an uneasy sleep, thinking how very empty his arms felt. Finally hearing the front door open, he’d managed to sit back up in bed and gave David a bright smile. “I’ll help you gather some more firewood as soon as I can walk again,” he said softly, remembering how David had said he’d been lonely. “I’m not sure how long that’ll be, but I do want to repay your kindness and help you out around here for a while.”
David sat the wood down on the pile and smiled, "There is no need, though I would appreciate a little help at times," he smiled. "I need to get the water going, and then I'll cook us some breakfast," he said smiling and heading back out of the room feeling more than a bit silly. He went about taking care of hauling water in until he was sure there was enough to fill the tub in the bedroom. Then set about cooking and soon he had the tray ready and took it to the bedroom. "Here we go...you know, you are looking much better today, not quite so pale," David said sitting down in the chair next to the bed. He lifted the cup of tea and handed it to Craig and noticed that his hand didn't tremble with effort as it had the past two mornings.
Sipping the tea, Craig felt his fingertips brush against David’s hand. It felt as if his very skin was on fire and he tried not to jump. Having no idea why he was feeling this way, he looked down in confusion for a moment before pasting the smile back on his face and looking back at David. “I’m feeling much better,” he said, clearing his throat as the warm liquid slid down into his stomach. “Thanks to you, I can even breathe easier this morning.”
David smiled, "Good, we'll have to do that again tonight perhaps?" he asked feeling guilty for feeling so happy about that. Picking up Craig's plate, he took the cup and set it on the table. "You want to try or...would you like me to feed you again?" David asked softly. He'd actually come to enjoy feeding Craig but he felt sure that the man would much rather do it himself if he could.
Craig’s smile widened at the thoughts of David’s hands gently touching his skin again, even if it was only to apply the salve. The thought that if he was doing *that* much better, David might not even sleep in the same room as him flashed through his mind, and he found that thought very depressing indeed. Karl or no Karl, he still didn’t feel ready to sleep alone, he thought, telling himself that he was simply afraid of having another dream that he was dying, but knowing damn well that was a lie. Wondering how to ask for just *one* more night, he stared at his hands and shook his head. “I…I think I can try,” he murmured, seeing that David was staring at him and waiting for an answer.
David smiled kindly, thinking that Craig must feel ashamed that he'd needed David to feed him the last few days. "It's all right...if you can't I don't mind doing it," he said kindly as he settled a napkin across Craig's lap and handed him the plate. He watched for any signs that Craig needed help or was having trouble breathing as he picked up his own cup and took a long drink of his tea.
Taking a small bite of eggs and another sip of tea, Craig kept his eyes averted for a moment, afraid that David would read the doubt and indecision that lay there. He took several more sips of tea, then finally managed to look up at his new friend. “David, I….I can’t thank you enough for...for….holding me last night,” he said softly. “I honestly thought I was going to die. I’ve never been that afraid in my life, and…well, I’m glad…..you were here.”
David set his cup down as Craig spoke and stared at him sadly. "Thought you were going to die? Oh God, Craig," he whispered not even realizing that his hand had immediately slid across the sheet to grasp Craig's. "I'm glad I was here too....to keep watch over you, and soothe you. I couldn't imagine what that would feel like. This may sound silly but I thanked your horse this morning when I was feeding him. Told him that I was glad he brought you to my doorstep, rather than what could have happened," David admitted. It hadn't been everything he'd told the horse, but it was what Craig would need to know. He thought that he needed to know that David was glad to help him, that he wasn't a burden to him at all.
Curling his fingers over David’s as if they’d been holding hands all their lives, their gazes locked and Craig’s heart pounded furiously against his chest wall. “You told Oudin that?” he said softly. “I…I think that’s the nicest thing I’ve ever heard.” Dropping his gaze simply because he couldn’t seem to breathe when David’s eyes were gazing into his own, Craig worried his bottom lip for a moment and tightened his grip on David’s hand. “I…I was hoping that maybe….I mean, until I can breathe easier, that maybe…you wouldn’t mind just….well, just being here in case…in case it happens again? I just….It’s not like me to panic like that, but, honestly, I was terrified. I can’t even think about going back to sleep knowing that it might happen again.”
David nodded and reveled in the feeling of Craig's hand around his, "As long as you want me to I will," he said softly. They sat that way for a few more moments and finally, reluctantly, David pulled away. They finished eating their breakfast and David spoke about the farm. He smiled as Craig took the last sip of his tea. Taking his cup and mostly empty plate, he set them aside. "The water for your bath should be ready in about an hour. I'll take these dishes away and give you a bit of privacy if you like," he said unsure what to do with himself so much of the time. He simply wasn't accustomed to having anyone else around.
Craig pulled the cover back underneath his chin and promised himself that he *would* get out of bed and stop letting David wait on him…after his bath. Now that he knew he’d get at least a few more nights of peaceful sleep, he could relax, even as he told himself it was simply to keep the nightmares away. “I’d really like to hear more of that story you were reading last night,” he said shyly. “That is…if you truly don’t have other duties that need your attention.”
Smiling, David picked up the tray, "No, I have just a few chores to do, and then I can read to you if you like, after your bath," he said as he walked to the door. "Would you like anything else while I take care of a few things?" He asked. He wondered if Craig would like to join him in the other room while he worked simply for the company. "Would....would you like to come out here? Just sit by the fire while I finish getting everything ready? That way I can change the bed too," David offered.
“I’d absolutely love to,” Craig said, reaching for the shirt that was folded on the nightstand beside him. Sliding it over his head, he moved to sit up, letting his feet drop to the floor and wondering if he had the strength to stand up. The room seemed to spin for a moment and he reached out to the nightstand to steady himself, trying to hide his weakness, least David changed his mind and rescinded the offer. “I promise to change the bed the next time,” he said, smiling weakly, still holding on to the table edge. “After all, I messed it up…and as soon as I’m able to get around, I can move to another room and let you have your bed back.” Before David could argue, Craig shook his head and held up one hand. “And….um…maybe you could hand me something to wear? I’m sure you don’t want a half naked knight wandering around your house all day.”
David had watched silently as Craig slid the shirt on and was surprised to see him trying to get up on his own. Quickly, he set the tray down on the dresser and rummaged around for a pair of breeches. "Here you go," he said handing them to him and then stayed nearby if Craig should need help but kept his back to him to give him at least a measure of privacy. It wasn't like he'd already seen that amazing body without a stitch on it, but...Craig was unconscious then. This was totally different somehow. "You are still weak, when you are ready I'll help you into the other room," David said softly, licking his lips and trying to think of something other than Craig naked.
Craig gratefully slid the soft breeches up his legs, feeling slightly nauseous from the act, as it was the most activity he’d had in days. While he didn’t want too appear weak to David for some odd reason, he knew there was no chance he’d make it to the other room unaided. “Thank you again,” he smiled, blinking back the sick feeling that threatened to overwhelm him. Finally getting the breeches worked up to his thighs, he lay back on the bed slowly and lifted his hips, pulling the thin material up and lacing it with weak and trembling fingers. He stayed in his reclined position for a moment, waiting for the room to stop spinning, and hated that he was seeming so fragile. “I seem to be thanking you a lot these past few days.”
David laughed softly, "That's all right, feels good to be needed," he said softly and then clamped his mouth shut feeling silly for saying such a thing. "Umm, so whenever you are ready," he said taking a deep breath and trying not to feel quite so foolish. Glancing to the side he saw Craig lying across the bed, fully dressed and simply waited for him to decide he was ready.
//Oh, I think you are definitely needed, David. I shouldn’t be feeling that way, but….it would be so easy to just let go and….Stop it. Just stop it.// Craig pushed himself into a sitting position and ran his hands through his hair, knowing he must look horrible. “I’m ready,” he smiled, shivering a bit and hoping that the fire in the other room was already blazing and warm. “I hate being so helpless,” he complained as he tried to stand on his own and almost fell flat on the floor. //No, that won’t make you look stupid at all. And a broken nose…why that will make you look quite dashing, actually.// Mentally rolling his eyes at himself, he waited for David to cross the room and help him, not at all unhappy to be able to touch him again…all in the name of healing, of course, as he *did* need to walk and keep his lungs as clear as possible.
David quickly moved to Craig's side and steadied him with a hand on his arm. "You aren't helpless, you’re sick, two different things," David said softly. "Here," he said lifting Craig's arm and ducking under it, letting it rest across his shoulders as he reached around him and held him with an arm around his waist. "Lean on me if you need to," he said as they took a few steps. Pulling the door wider they passed through into the other room and David helped Craig cross the room to the chair in front of the fireplace. "You sit here by the fire, and I'll get you a quilt," he said helping Craig lower into the chair and then dashed back to the bedroom to retrieve a quilt and the breakfast tray. Returning he set the tray on the table and then set about tucking the quilt around Craig carefully. As he straightened back up to look at him, Craig was looking at him somewhat oddly and he realized he hadn't needed to tuck him in like that. David flushed and turned to pick up the tray. He took it over to the washbasin and set the items in it. "Would you like a book to read while I get a few things done?"
Touched beyond words as David had so carefully tucked the blankets around him, Craig had looked up at him in wonder for a moment, loving the feeling of simply being taken care of by someone so thoughtful. //I’d rather just watch you, but….that’s probably not the best idea.// “A book sounds good,” he said quietly, still slightly breathless from the walk from the bedroom. Looking just to his right, he saw his clothes, hanging neatly over the edge of the mantle, clean and dry. “You washed my clothes?” he said in surprise. “You didn’t have to do that. I seem to be making your life harder just now, but I swear I will recover soon and help you for as long as you need me to.”
David turned back to look at Craig for a moment. //As long as I need you to? Will forever be too long?// He nodded. "You don't have to, but I'll be glad for the help. I didn't mind washing them. I...umm...well I also mended your cloak. Living alone for so long you have to know how to do such things, and at the time you were asleep and I wasn't tired and didn't feel like reading...I hope you don't mind. You can hardly see the tears. If you don't mind my asking were you in many battles on your travels? Or do you regularly get in fights with briar patches?" he asked with a grin as he went to the bookshelf and retrieved a book for Craig.
Craig laughed and glanced over at his cloak, remembering all the tears that had appeared as the result of his battle with the thieves on his way back to the city. “As a matter of fact, you’re right on both counts,” he smiled. “I was in quite a battle recently…that was why I was lost, and I do believe I fell into more than one briar patch.” He reached over and fingered the edge of the cloak as he looked back at David. “I think I will have to thank Oudin myself for bringing me to your doorstep.” David had no idea how truthful that statement was, Craig thought, promising to give the horse an extra carrot every day for the rest of his life for picking this farm.
David smiled brightly when Craig laughed, it was the first time he'd heard him truly laugh and he found that he absolutely adored the sound. "You should do that more often," he mused staring at Craig for a moment.
“What’s that?” Craig asked, looking up at David, feeling his breath catch in his throat at the smile on the other man’s face. “Thank Oudin, or fall in briar patches?”
"Laugh," David said smiling. "You've a beautiful smile, and wonderful laugh. I'd love to see and hear it more often," he said honestly though his face flushed brightly and he turned back to his chore of washing the dishes.
Craig’s own face flushed and he looked down, feeling unaccountably happy all of a sudden. He watched David for a few moments, and then reluctantly turned his gaze back to the fire. “I….I enjoy seeing your smile as well,” he said softly. “And I’m hoping to make you really laugh one day so I can hear what that sounds like too.” //God…am I flirting with him? No…I’m just telling the truth. There’s nothing wrong with telling someone the truth. Nothing wrong with that at all.//
David smiled as he washed the dishes and forced himself not to turn around. They were silent for a few minutes while David finished with the dishes. "Only a few more things to do," he said bustling about, finishing things up, and then went to the fireplace and checked the cauldrons of water. "You should be able to take that bath soon," he said sitting down on the bench at the table. "You know, you've been here with me for almost 3 full days now, and I barely know anything about you?" he asked.
Craig leaned back in the chair and smiled at David. “There’s nothing very exciting to know about me,” he laughed softly. “I am simply another knight in the king’s guard, though one lucky enough to be in the inner circle of those he trusts. I saved his life once, many years ago, and he has always been very kind me. Feel free to ask if you truly wish to know anything though…I have nothing at all to hide.”
David was fascinated as Craig spoke. "Saved the kings life? I'd say that's a bit more exciting than sheering sheep," he grinned. "I...I guess I was wondering where your home is...do you have someone waiting for you, who'll be worried? Those sorts of things," he said softly wondering if maybe he was being too personal.
Craig curled up in the chair and took a deep breath. He truly did not want to talk about Karl, but there was no point in hiding their relationship. He was, after all, bound to the man, and though he cared deeply for him, Craig now understood that so much more was possible. “Well, I’m from St. Albans,” he began. “My father was a nobleman, and I was knighted when I pushed the king from the path of an arrow let loose by one of his enemies. As for having someone back home….” He paused, and his smile faded as he turned and looked back into the fire. “I…yes. I do. His name is Karl, and he and I have been friends since childhood. He…he is a good man.” //But I would give my right arm if we had never promised to be faithful to one another…then I would be free to tell you how I really feel, David. How much I want to touch you, to learn the secrets of your body, how I would give anything to kiss your lips and lie in that bed with you every single night for the rest of my life.//
David felt his heart clench in his chest as Craig said that he did have someone else. He sighed softly and thought of how very lucky this Karl was. "Oh...well this Karl is indeed a lucky man, I think," David said softly and stood up abruptly. "I....I should probably prepare your bath," he said feeling slightly unnerved. He wasn't sure why, he'd been expecting it, he'd thought from the very beginning that Craig was spoken for, but hearing the words was more painful than he thought it would be.
“I…thank you,” Craig said, shocked at how suddenly David stood and headed toward the door. //I really am giving him too much work to do. He must be feeling overwhelmed.// As David left the room, Craig looked back into the fire, replaying the events of the day he’d promised to be faithful to Karl. A day that now, given the chance, he would have lived so differently…
***
“Of course I enjoy sleeping with you, Karl,” Craig said, threading his fingers through dark hair as Karl’s head rested on his shoulder. He pulled the blanket over their legs and stared at the man who’d been his lover since they were both seventeen. “Why would you ask me that?”
"I don't know...seems at times you're miles away even when you are looking right at me," Karl mused. It had always been like this between them, and he'd never demanded anything of Craig. Never asked him for anything but the last few months he had felt compelled to ask for something more.
“I’m sorry,” Craig said, letting his voice trail off, then suddenly realizing that *this* was exactly what Karl must mean. “We’ve been together for so long, I guess I just…forget to talk sometimes.” What he said and what he felt were leagues apart, but he simply didn’t have the heart to tell Karl the truth. He’d always felt there was something more out there than what they had…a close friendship that had evolved into a comfortable sexual relationship, but he couldn’t say that. Placing a soft kiss to Karl’s forehead, Craig pulled him closer. “You’re a good man Karl. And I enjoy spending time with you. I’m sorry if I don’t say that often enough.”
Karl sighed. //He doesn't love me though, and at times...I'm not even sure if I love him. I care...I know I care about him.// "It's alright, I don't suppose I need the words...but...we've been together over ten years, Craig. There are times I'd like to know that I'm the only one who gets to enjoy you like this," Karl said softly. He wasn't asking for declarations of love, just an offer of fidelity.
Craig closed his eyes, making sure Karl couldn’t see his face. “Karl, you’re my best friend. I’ve not been with anyone in years, you know that. I mean…I can’t think of a single person I’d even want right now.” //God, Karl, don’t ask for this. I don’t want to hurt you, but what we have isn’t real love, is it? Doesn’t there have to be more? Shouldn’t there be excitement and…and a longing just to be with your lover every moment of the day and night? Shouldn’t you think about them with every breath you take?//
Karl frowned, "Well if there is no one else you want....and no one else that I want, why can't we just agree that we will be faithful to one another? That way when either of us is on a long mission away from one another...we don't wonder. There isn't any jealousy or even curiosity. I know you would never break an oath and you know that I wouldn't. It isn't who we are," he said curiously. He wasn't even sure why he was asking for this...though he had seen some of the looks Craig got. He was a very handsome man and eventually Karl might find himself alone, if he didn't do something now.
Craig swallowed the lump in his throat and tried to think of an excuse…*any* excuse… to get out of making this promise. He prayed that someone would knock on the door to his quarters, or…or someone outside his window would scream, or…lightening would suddenly bolt from the sky and knock the stones from the outer wall of his room. Nothing happened. A heavy silence surrounded them and he knew Karl was waiting for an answer. “I…Karl, I…if there’s ever anyone else you want, do you truly want to be tied to me? I mean…some handsome knight or nobleman might come along and want to make passionate love to you…and you might want that too. I would hate to be the reason you had to turn him down.” In truth, he would miss Karl in his bed every night, but that was simply because they were so familiar with each other. The thoughts of his lover making love to anyone else didn’t fill him with any great sadness or jealousy, and he knew that was a sign that they shouldn’t make promises they might not wish to keep. “You don’t want my promise, baby, just in case you meet that special someone one day.”
"I don't think I'll ever meet someone like that...I don't think they exist, Craig. *This*, us...I think that is all we will ever have. Look at our lives? We don't even really have permanent homes...we are soldiers...we are puppets on the kings string doing his bidding any time day or night. That is our life. None other in the ranks interest me, and the nobles...care about themselves for the most part. You have been my best friend my entire life...what's so wrong with choosing to be true to one another? Of course, like anything, if one of us doesn't return from a mission then we are free of the oath. Say if one of us doesn't return within so many months of a mission the other will grieve and move on?" he suggested.
“We don’t *have* to be knights all our lives,” Craig said, praying that Karl was wrong, that *this* wasn’t all they’d ever have. If they could both so easily move on after a specified time limit, didn’t that mean that something was seriously lacking from their relationship? He simply didn’t want to make this promise, even if Karl was offering him a way around it. Looking down into his lover’s hazel eyes, he saw how much this seemed to mean to him. “Karl…you’re serious, aren’t you? You really want us both to promise ourselves to each other?”
"Yes, I'm serious. I think it would be comforting to us sometimes...when we feel there is nothing else, just knowing we have each other...I don't know. If you really don't want to I'll try and understand, but I don't see why you won't. Do you already have someone else you want?" Karl asked getting slightly irritated by Craig's reluctance. //Does he truly not care for me this much?//
Craig studied Karl’s face for a moment and leaned over to place a soft kiss to his lips. He had the distinct feeling that if he refused again, things would never be the same between them. And what if there *was* nothing else out there? No one that would make his heart ache when they were apart, and would let Craig love him unconditionally and without end? Was that one slight ray of hope worth risking what he had with Karl? “There’s no one else I want, Karl,” he said softly. //At least, if he’s out there, I haven’t met him yet.// “If you truly want this, I’ll promise. Maybe…maybe you’re right…maybe all we’ll ever have is each other.”
Karl smiled, "I do want this...thank you, Craig," he said happily as he threw his arms around his lover and kissed him deeply. He truly did believe that neither of them would ever have anything better than what they had now.
Trying to match Karl’s smile with on of his own, Craig returned his lover’s kiss as best he could. No matter what, now that he’d given his word, he was bound to Karl, and neither of them doubted for one instant that their promises wouldn’t be honored.
***
Still staring into the fire, Craig realized that were it not for that single promise, he would most likely be gathering his courage to pull David into his arms and kiss him until neither of them could breathe. He remembered looking into David’s eyes, and knowing that everything he’d ever dreamed of was just beyond his reach, if only he hadn’t given in to Karl on that day so long ago. //I’m so sorry, David. If you could possibly be interested in me at all, I think we could have everything we’ve both ever wanted in our lives. But we’ll never know.// With a deep sigh, he stared toward the door David had stepped through and longed to have that one day back…to know what real, deep, true love was like for once in his life.
~~~
TBC
Authors:
sairalinde & anorienbeanRating: NC-17
Pairing: David Wenham/Craig Parker
Disclaimer: No money was made from this fic, and we do not mean to imply anything about the sexual preferences of anyone mentioned within.
Summary: A knight in the King's service, attacked by thieves and lost in the forest in the dead of winter, finds himself on the doorstep of a kind farmer who takes him in and cares for him. Falling in love with his savior, the knight is bound by an oath taken years ago against his better judgment.
Several hours later, Craig woke from a peaceful sleep, breathing much easier than he had the night before. Both arms were still wrapped around David’s shoulders and his cheek rested on the top of the other man’s head, buried in soft ginger hair. David’s arm was wrapped securely around his waist, and Craig heard his soft, deep breaths even as he felt them ghost across his skin. //He stayed. Even after I went to sleep, he stayed.// He moved his head to one side, studying David for a moment, and lifted one hand to gently brush the hair back from his forehead. //God in Heaven, he is the most handsome man I have ever seen.// He found himself staring at David’s lips, wondering if they were as soft and delicious as they looked. //You are losing your mind! Stop thinking of him that way! He wants only to help you and see you on your way...he’s probably already counting the days until you are well enough to travel again.// His own words rang in his head, but he found it impossible to look away from those lips, and his heart sped up slightly. //I’d love to see those eyes again…those beautiful blue eyes that I thought belonged to an angel. I was right about that, at least.//
David shifted slightly against the warmth surrounding him and then awareness seemed to dawn on him as he fully awoke. He tried to keep his eyes closed a little longer, wanting nothing more than to pretend he was asleep so he could hold Craig close some more, but decided that Craig wouldn't appreciate it if he knew the truth. Blinking a few times, he drew back slightly and looked up at Craig smiling sleepily. "You're awake," he said softly.
As clear blue eyes met his own, Craig’s breath caught in his throat. David’s eyes were even more breathtaking up close, he thought, when his mind wasn’t foggy with fever or exhaustion. He stared for a moment longer and then looked away, trying to make sense of his thoughts, or to at the very least, banish them to one corner where he could think about them later. “Yes,” he smiled, pretending not to notice that his arms were still holding David tightly. Seemingly without his knowledge, his traitorous hand gently cupped David’s shoulder, and his thumb rubbed in small circles over the fabric of his tunic. “I feel much better, though I’m still weak. And I’m sure you are feeling ridiculously close to a man who hasn’t bathed in a few days.” He *knew* he should remove his hand and allow David to move away, but said hand didn’t seem to want to cooperate. Pretending not to notice, he kept his gaze averted and simply enjoyed the feel of David’s arm across his stomach.
David laughed softly, feeling immensely pleased with the fact that Craig's hand was moving over his shoulder and he wished for a brief second that he wasn't wearing any clothes. "I think we can fix the not bathed issue. If you are feeling up to it, I think you should probably get up today, and move around if just a little. That rattle in your chest could get worse, rather than better, if you stay in bed too long," he warned gently. After a few moments, David shifted and sat up, and sighed as Craig's hand fell away. "After I take care of the animals, I'll come back and draw you a bath," David said, swinging his legs over the side of the bed and standing up. He stretched and slipped on his shoes before going over to the fireplace and adding some wood to it, making a mental note that he needed to haul in more firewood.
Craig sighed as David moved away, and rested his head back against the pillow, pretending to keep his eyes closed even as he watched the other man move around the room. Determined that today would be the day he would *stop* thinking of David this way, he started to sit up. The effort made him cough again, and he longed for more of the soothing salve on his chest…and not just for the medicinal effects. He sincerely believed that his caretaker’s gentle touch had soothed him more than the herbs. Shaking his head at himself, he quelled the coughing and tried to think about a nice, long bath. With warm water, soap, soft washcloths, and…David. //You are a hopeless fool, Craig. Completely and utterly hopeless.// “That would be perfect,” he said softly. “I could use the bath, without question, and I should start building my strength again so that I will no longer be a burden to you.”
David straightened up from the hearth and looked at Craig as he dusted off his hands. "Burden? Oh you haven't been a burden at all. I've welcomed having someone here...truth be told, I'm quite lonely, especially this time of year," David admitted and then looked down at the floor for a moment. "At any rate, I'm not glad you are so ill but I'm glad to have you here, as long as you need to stay to regain your strength you can consider this your home such as it is," David said softly before opening the bedroom door. Walking into the other room, he grabbed his cloak and walked back to the bedroom. "I won't be long, just need to take care of the animals. If you feel up to something stronger than soup or broth I'll be bringing back fresh eggs most likely," he smiled.
David’s eyes looked so sincere, that Craig couldn’t help but wonder if maybe, just maybe, he didn’t think of Craig as a burden after all. And lonely? How could a man like David be *lonely*? He could surely have his pick of anyone he chose to take an interest in. With eyes like that, the soft, gentle touch, and that smile that made his eyes crinkle at the corners and….//Once again. A stellar start to the day!// Making a mental note to think of a way to show his gratitude to David for all his help, Craig thought about trying to get up and draw his own bath. But he neither had the strength, nor the desire to wander David’s house alone. Besides…he liked being taken care of, of not having to worry about everything for a change. //You can admire….and dream. As long as you don’t carry through with anything else, you will be true to your oath.// “Perfect,” he said softly, resting back against the pillow and smiling. “Um…eggs, I mean. They sound absolutely perfect.”
David grabbed his milk bucket and the basket he used for gathering eggs and pulled his cloak tighter around himself as he wandered out into the wet snow to the barn. Once inside he set to work feeding then milking the cow. As he did, his cat Tegan rubbed against his leg. "You only come around when I have milk ya know?" he teased the cat as purred loudly at him.
He thought about Craig as he worked. What sort of life must he lead? Does he even really *have* a home? Does he have someone waiting for him? He hasn't mentioned anyone has he? Not even in his fever when he was mumbling he never said anyone's name…except David's. And last night…he hadn't been fevered last night, but he had asked David to share his bed, and had held him. Then this morning he had gently caressed his shoulder. What did that mean exactly? Was it a gesture of thanks or was it more than that?
Shaking his head at that thought, he finished with his task of milking and set about collecting the eggs and then feeding the chickens. Two of the hens he left setting, they would have chicks in the coming months and the thought saddened him that Craig would never see the farm at it's most beautiful in spring. It looked so dank and dreary right now…though the snow was beautiful. //Stop it, David. He won't be here, he probably won't be here much more than a few weeks while he recovers if that.//
He pushed away the thoughts as he moved to Craig's horse. The animal was magnificent, a powerful looking dark bay, certainly a horse befitting one of the king's men. He rubbed his muzzle and spoke to the horse softly. "I wish to thank you…without you I'd have never met Craig…and he might have died out in the wilds somewhere. I may only have a short time with him here…but…at least I was given that time," he whispered as he set out fresh feed for the beautiful horse.
The pond wasn't frozen this morning and he felt grateful for not having to break the ice for the other cows and the sheep. He walked by the well and lowered the bucket grateful again, when he pulled it back up that it wasn't frozen. The worst winters were when the well froze.
Returning to the house he stepped inside long enough to set the basket and bucket on the table and shoo Tegan back out of the house. "Go on with you…I'll give you some milk in a bit," he fussed at the yellow cat, and then hauled some firewood inside. First, he placed wood at the hearth in the kitchen and then took an armful to the bedroom. Smiling as he entered he saw Craig sitting up in the bed, his color really did look much better this morning.
"Firewood," he said lamely and could have smacked himself in the forehead. //He bloody well has *eyes*, David. Gorgeous blue ones…you certainly haven't forgotten that fact!//
Craig had dozed on and off as he’d waited for David to return. His dreams were filled with haunting blue eyes and the soft lilt of the voice that had soothed him in his sleep. Each time he awoke, he wondered if he’d missed David’s return, and fell back into an uneasy sleep, thinking how very empty his arms felt. Finally hearing the front door open, he’d managed to sit back up in bed and gave David a bright smile. “I’ll help you gather some more firewood as soon as I can walk again,” he said softly, remembering how David had said he’d been lonely. “I’m not sure how long that’ll be, but I do want to repay your kindness and help you out around here for a while.”
David sat the wood down on the pile and smiled, "There is no need, though I would appreciate a little help at times," he smiled. "I need to get the water going, and then I'll cook us some breakfast," he said smiling and heading back out of the room feeling more than a bit silly. He went about taking care of hauling water in until he was sure there was enough to fill the tub in the bedroom. Then set about cooking and soon he had the tray ready and took it to the bedroom. "Here we go...you know, you are looking much better today, not quite so pale," David said sitting down in the chair next to the bed. He lifted the cup of tea and handed it to Craig and noticed that his hand didn't tremble with effort as it had the past two mornings.
Sipping the tea, Craig felt his fingertips brush against David’s hand. It felt as if his very skin was on fire and he tried not to jump. Having no idea why he was feeling this way, he looked down in confusion for a moment before pasting the smile back on his face and looking back at David. “I’m feeling much better,” he said, clearing his throat as the warm liquid slid down into his stomach. “Thanks to you, I can even breathe easier this morning.”
David smiled, "Good, we'll have to do that again tonight perhaps?" he asked feeling guilty for feeling so happy about that. Picking up Craig's plate, he took the cup and set it on the table. "You want to try or...would you like me to feed you again?" David asked softly. He'd actually come to enjoy feeding Craig but he felt sure that the man would much rather do it himself if he could.
Craig’s smile widened at the thoughts of David’s hands gently touching his skin again, even if it was only to apply the salve. The thought that if he was doing *that* much better, David might not even sleep in the same room as him flashed through his mind, and he found that thought very depressing indeed. Karl or no Karl, he still didn’t feel ready to sleep alone, he thought, telling himself that he was simply afraid of having another dream that he was dying, but knowing damn well that was a lie. Wondering how to ask for just *one* more night, he stared at his hands and shook his head. “I…I think I can try,” he murmured, seeing that David was staring at him and waiting for an answer.
David smiled kindly, thinking that Craig must feel ashamed that he'd needed David to feed him the last few days. "It's all right...if you can't I don't mind doing it," he said kindly as he settled a napkin across Craig's lap and handed him the plate. He watched for any signs that Craig needed help or was having trouble breathing as he picked up his own cup and took a long drink of his tea.
Taking a small bite of eggs and another sip of tea, Craig kept his eyes averted for a moment, afraid that David would read the doubt and indecision that lay there. He took several more sips of tea, then finally managed to look up at his new friend. “David, I….I can’t thank you enough for...for….holding me last night,” he said softly. “I honestly thought I was going to die. I’ve never been that afraid in my life, and…well, I’m glad…..you were here.”
David set his cup down as Craig spoke and stared at him sadly. "Thought you were going to die? Oh God, Craig," he whispered not even realizing that his hand had immediately slid across the sheet to grasp Craig's. "I'm glad I was here too....to keep watch over you, and soothe you. I couldn't imagine what that would feel like. This may sound silly but I thanked your horse this morning when I was feeding him. Told him that I was glad he brought you to my doorstep, rather than what could have happened," David admitted. It hadn't been everything he'd told the horse, but it was what Craig would need to know. He thought that he needed to know that David was glad to help him, that he wasn't a burden to him at all.
Curling his fingers over David’s as if they’d been holding hands all their lives, their gazes locked and Craig’s heart pounded furiously against his chest wall. “You told Oudin that?” he said softly. “I…I think that’s the nicest thing I’ve ever heard.” Dropping his gaze simply because he couldn’t seem to breathe when David’s eyes were gazing into his own, Craig worried his bottom lip for a moment and tightened his grip on David’s hand. “I…I was hoping that maybe….I mean, until I can breathe easier, that maybe…you wouldn’t mind just….well, just being here in case…in case it happens again? I just….It’s not like me to panic like that, but, honestly, I was terrified. I can’t even think about going back to sleep knowing that it might happen again.”
David nodded and reveled in the feeling of Craig's hand around his, "As long as you want me to I will," he said softly. They sat that way for a few more moments and finally, reluctantly, David pulled away. They finished eating their breakfast and David spoke about the farm. He smiled as Craig took the last sip of his tea. Taking his cup and mostly empty plate, he set them aside. "The water for your bath should be ready in about an hour. I'll take these dishes away and give you a bit of privacy if you like," he said unsure what to do with himself so much of the time. He simply wasn't accustomed to having anyone else around.
Craig pulled the cover back underneath his chin and promised himself that he *would* get out of bed and stop letting David wait on him…after his bath. Now that he knew he’d get at least a few more nights of peaceful sleep, he could relax, even as he told himself it was simply to keep the nightmares away. “I’d really like to hear more of that story you were reading last night,” he said shyly. “That is…if you truly don’t have other duties that need your attention.”
Smiling, David picked up the tray, "No, I have just a few chores to do, and then I can read to you if you like, after your bath," he said as he walked to the door. "Would you like anything else while I take care of a few things?" He asked. He wondered if Craig would like to join him in the other room while he worked simply for the company. "Would....would you like to come out here? Just sit by the fire while I finish getting everything ready? That way I can change the bed too," David offered.
“I’d absolutely love to,” Craig said, reaching for the shirt that was folded on the nightstand beside him. Sliding it over his head, he moved to sit up, letting his feet drop to the floor and wondering if he had the strength to stand up. The room seemed to spin for a moment and he reached out to the nightstand to steady himself, trying to hide his weakness, least David changed his mind and rescinded the offer. “I promise to change the bed the next time,” he said, smiling weakly, still holding on to the table edge. “After all, I messed it up…and as soon as I’m able to get around, I can move to another room and let you have your bed back.” Before David could argue, Craig shook his head and held up one hand. “And….um…maybe you could hand me something to wear? I’m sure you don’t want a half naked knight wandering around your house all day.”
David had watched silently as Craig slid the shirt on and was surprised to see him trying to get up on his own. Quickly, he set the tray down on the dresser and rummaged around for a pair of breeches. "Here you go," he said handing them to him and then stayed nearby if Craig should need help but kept his back to him to give him at least a measure of privacy. It wasn't like he'd already seen that amazing body without a stitch on it, but...Craig was unconscious then. This was totally different somehow. "You are still weak, when you are ready I'll help you into the other room," David said softly, licking his lips and trying to think of something other than Craig naked.
Craig gratefully slid the soft breeches up his legs, feeling slightly nauseous from the act, as it was the most activity he’d had in days. While he didn’t want too appear weak to David for some odd reason, he knew there was no chance he’d make it to the other room unaided. “Thank you again,” he smiled, blinking back the sick feeling that threatened to overwhelm him. Finally getting the breeches worked up to his thighs, he lay back on the bed slowly and lifted his hips, pulling the thin material up and lacing it with weak and trembling fingers. He stayed in his reclined position for a moment, waiting for the room to stop spinning, and hated that he was seeming so fragile. “I seem to be thanking you a lot these past few days.”
David laughed softly, "That's all right, feels good to be needed," he said softly and then clamped his mouth shut feeling silly for saying such a thing. "Umm, so whenever you are ready," he said taking a deep breath and trying not to feel quite so foolish. Glancing to the side he saw Craig lying across the bed, fully dressed and simply waited for him to decide he was ready.
//Oh, I think you are definitely needed, David. I shouldn’t be feeling that way, but….it would be so easy to just let go and….Stop it. Just stop it.// Craig pushed himself into a sitting position and ran his hands through his hair, knowing he must look horrible. “I’m ready,” he smiled, shivering a bit and hoping that the fire in the other room was already blazing and warm. “I hate being so helpless,” he complained as he tried to stand on his own and almost fell flat on the floor. //No, that won’t make you look stupid at all. And a broken nose…why that will make you look quite dashing, actually.// Mentally rolling his eyes at himself, he waited for David to cross the room and help him, not at all unhappy to be able to touch him again…all in the name of healing, of course, as he *did* need to walk and keep his lungs as clear as possible.
David quickly moved to Craig's side and steadied him with a hand on his arm. "You aren't helpless, you’re sick, two different things," David said softly. "Here," he said lifting Craig's arm and ducking under it, letting it rest across his shoulders as he reached around him and held him with an arm around his waist. "Lean on me if you need to," he said as they took a few steps. Pulling the door wider they passed through into the other room and David helped Craig cross the room to the chair in front of the fireplace. "You sit here by the fire, and I'll get you a quilt," he said helping Craig lower into the chair and then dashed back to the bedroom to retrieve a quilt and the breakfast tray. Returning he set the tray on the table and then set about tucking the quilt around Craig carefully. As he straightened back up to look at him, Craig was looking at him somewhat oddly and he realized he hadn't needed to tuck him in like that. David flushed and turned to pick up the tray. He took it over to the washbasin and set the items in it. "Would you like a book to read while I get a few things done?"
Touched beyond words as David had so carefully tucked the blankets around him, Craig had looked up at him in wonder for a moment, loving the feeling of simply being taken care of by someone so thoughtful. //I’d rather just watch you, but….that’s probably not the best idea.// “A book sounds good,” he said quietly, still slightly breathless from the walk from the bedroom. Looking just to his right, he saw his clothes, hanging neatly over the edge of the mantle, clean and dry. “You washed my clothes?” he said in surprise. “You didn’t have to do that. I seem to be making your life harder just now, but I swear I will recover soon and help you for as long as you need me to.”
David turned back to look at Craig for a moment. //As long as I need you to? Will forever be too long?// He nodded. "You don't have to, but I'll be glad for the help. I didn't mind washing them. I...umm...well I also mended your cloak. Living alone for so long you have to know how to do such things, and at the time you were asleep and I wasn't tired and didn't feel like reading...I hope you don't mind. You can hardly see the tears. If you don't mind my asking were you in many battles on your travels? Or do you regularly get in fights with briar patches?" he asked with a grin as he went to the bookshelf and retrieved a book for Craig.
Craig laughed and glanced over at his cloak, remembering all the tears that had appeared as the result of his battle with the thieves on his way back to the city. “As a matter of fact, you’re right on both counts,” he smiled. “I was in quite a battle recently…that was why I was lost, and I do believe I fell into more than one briar patch.” He reached over and fingered the edge of the cloak as he looked back at David. “I think I will have to thank Oudin myself for bringing me to your doorstep.” David had no idea how truthful that statement was, Craig thought, promising to give the horse an extra carrot every day for the rest of his life for picking this farm.
David smiled brightly when Craig laughed, it was the first time he'd heard him truly laugh and he found that he absolutely adored the sound. "You should do that more often," he mused staring at Craig for a moment.
“What’s that?” Craig asked, looking up at David, feeling his breath catch in his throat at the smile on the other man’s face. “Thank Oudin, or fall in briar patches?”
"Laugh," David said smiling. "You've a beautiful smile, and wonderful laugh. I'd love to see and hear it more often," he said honestly though his face flushed brightly and he turned back to his chore of washing the dishes.
Craig’s own face flushed and he looked down, feeling unaccountably happy all of a sudden. He watched David for a few moments, and then reluctantly turned his gaze back to the fire. “I….I enjoy seeing your smile as well,” he said softly. “And I’m hoping to make you really laugh one day so I can hear what that sounds like too.” //God…am I flirting with him? No…I’m just telling the truth. There’s nothing wrong with telling someone the truth. Nothing wrong with that at all.//
David smiled as he washed the dishes and forced himself not to turn around. They were silent for a few minutes while David finished with the dishes. "Only a few more things to do," he said bustling about, finishing things up, and then went to the fireplace and checked the cauldrons of water. "You should be able to take that bath soon," he said sitting down on the bench at the table. "You know, you've been here with me for almost 3 full days now, and I barely know anything about you?" he asked.
Craig leaned back in the chair and smiled at David. “There’s nothing very exciting to know about me,” he laughed softly. “I am simply another knight in the king’s guard, though one lucky enough to be in the inner circle of those he trusts. I saved his life once, many years ago, and he has always been very kind me. Feel free to ask if you truly wish to know anything though…I have nothing at all to hide.”
David was fascinated as Craig spoke. "Saved the kings life? I'd say that's a bit more exciting than sheering sheep," he grinned. "I...I guess I was wondering where your home is...do you have someone waiting for you, who'll be worried? Those sorts of things," he said softly wondering if maybe he was being too personal.
Craig curled up in the chair and took a deep breath. He truly did not want to talk about Karl, but there was no point in hiding their relationship. He was, after all, bound to the man, and though he cared deeply for him, Craig now understood that so much more was possible. “Well, I’m from St. Albans,” he began. “My father was a nobleman, and I was knighted when I pushed the king from the path of an arrow let loose by one of his enemies. As for having someone back home….” He paused, and his smile faded as he turned and looked back into the fire. “I…yes. I do. His name is Karl, and he and I have been friends since childhood. He…he is a good man.” //But I would give my right arm if we had never promised to be faithful to one another…then I would be free to tell you how I really feel, David. How much I want to touch you, to learn the secrets of your body, how I would give anything to kiss your lips and lie in that bed with you every single night for the rest of my life.//
David felt his heart clench in his chest as Craig said that he did have someone else. He sighed softly and thought of how very lucky this Karl was. "Oh...well this Karl is indeed a lucky man, I think," David said softly and stood up abruptly. "I....I should probably prepare your bath," he said feeling slightly unnerved. He wasn't sure why, he'd been expecting it, he'd thought from the very beginning that Craig was spoken for, but hearing the words was more painful than he thought it would be.
“I…thank you,” Craig said, shocked at how suddenly David stood and headed toward the door. //I really am giving him too much work to do. He must be feeling overwhelmed.// As David left the room, Craig looked back into the fire, replaying the events of the day he’d promised to be faithful to Karl. A day that now, given the chance, he would have lived so differently…
***
“Of course I enjoy sleeping with you, Karl,” Craig said, threading his fingers through dark hair as Karl’s head rested on his shoulder. He pulled the blanket over their legs and stared at the man who’d been his lover since they were both seventeen. “Why would you ask me that?”
"I don't know...seems at times you're miles away even when you are looking right at me," Karl mused. It had always been like this between them, and he'd never demanded anything of Craig. Never asked him for anything but the last few months he had felt compelled to ask for something more.
“I’m sorry,” Craig said, letting his voice trail off, then suddenly realizing that *this* was exactly what Karl must mean. “We’ve been together for so long, I guess I just…forget to talk sometimes.” What he said and what he felt were leagues apart, but he simply didn’t have the heart to tell Karl the truth. He’d always felt there was something more out there than what they had…a close friendship that had evolved into a comfortable sexual relationship, but he couldn’t say that. Placing a soft kiss to Karl’s forehead, Craig pulled him closer. “You’re a good man Karl. And I enjoy spending time with you. I’m sorry if I don’t say that often enough.”
Karl sighed. //He doesn't love me though, and at times...I'm not even sure if I love him. I care...I know I care about him.// "It's alright, I don't suppose I need the words...but...we've been together over ten years, Craig. There are times I'd like to know that I'm the only one who gets to enjoy you like this," Karl said softly. He wasn't asking for declarations of love, just an offer of fidelity.
Craig closed his eyes, making sure Karl couldn’t see his face. “Karl, you’re my best friend. I’ve not been with anyone in years, you know that. I mean…I can’t think of a single person I’d even want right now.” //God, Karl, don’t ask for this. I don’t want to hurt you, but what we have isn’t real love, is it? Doesn’t there have to be more? Shouldn’t there be excitement and…and a longing just to be with your lover every moment of the day and night? Shouldn’t you think about them with every breath you take?//
Karl frowned, "Well if there is no one else you want....and no one else that I want, why can't we just agree that we will be faithful to one another? That way when either of us is on a long mission away from one another...we don't wonder. There isn't any jealousy or even curiosity. I know you would never break an oath and you know that I wouldn't. It isn't who we are," he said curiously. He wasn't even sure why he was asking for this...though he had seen some of the looks Craig got. He was a very handsome man and eventually Karl might find himself alone, if he didn't do something now.
Craig swallowed the lump in his throat and tried to think of an excuse…*any* excuse… to get out of making this promise. He prayed that someone would knock on the door to his quarters, or…or someone outside his window would scream, or…lightening would suddenly bolt from the sky and knock the stones from the outer wall of his room. Nothing happened. A heavy silence surrounded them and he knew Karl was waiting for an answer. “I…Karl, I…if there’s ever anyone else you want, do you truly want to be tied to me? I mean…some handsome knight or nobleman might come along and want to make passionate love to you…and you might want that too. I would hate to be the reason you had to turn him down.” In truth, he would miss Karl in his bed every night, but that was simply because they were so familiar with each other. The thoughts of his lover making love to anyone else didn’t fill him with any great sadness or jealousy, and he knew that was a sign that they shouldn’t make promises they might not wish to keep. “You don’t want my promise, baby, just in case you meet that special someone one day.”
"I don't think I'll ever meet someone like that...I don't think they exist, Craig. *This*, us...I think that is all we will ever have. Look at our lives? We don't even really have permanent homes...we are soldiers...we are puppets on the kings string doing his bidding any time day or night. That is our life. None other in the ranks interest me, and the nobles...care about themselves for the most part. You have been my best friend my entire life...what's so wrong with choosing to be true to one another? Of course, like anything, if one of us doesn't return from a mission then we are free of the oath. Say if one of us doesn't return within so many months of a mission the other will grieve and move on?" he suggested.
“We don’t *have* to be knights all our lives,” Craig said, praying that Karl was wrong, that *this* wasn’t all they’d ever have. If they could both so easily move on after a specified time limit, didn’t that mean that something was seriously lacking from their relationship? He simply didn’t want to make this promise, even if Karl was offering him a way around it. Looking down into his lover’s hazel eyes, he saw how much this seemed to mean to him. “Karl…you’re serious, aren’t you? You really want us both to promise ourselves to each other?”
"Yes, I'm serious. I think it would be comforting to us sometimes...when we feel there is nothing else, just knowing we have each other...I don't know. If you really don't want to I'll try and understand, but I don't see why you won't. Do you already have someone else you want?" Karl asked getting slightly irritated by Craig's reluctance. //Does he truly not care for me this much?//
Craig studied Karl’s face for a moment and leaned over to place a soft kiss to his lips. He had the distinct feeling that if he refused again, things would never be the same between them. And what if there *was* nothing else out there? No one that would make his heart ache when they were apart, and would let Craig love him unconditionally and without end? Was that one slight ray of hope worth risking what he had with Karl? “There’s no one else I want, Karl,” he said softly. //At least, if he’s out there, I haven’t met him yet.// “If you truly want this, I’ll promise. Maybe…maybe you’re right…maybe all we’ll ever have is each other.”
Karl smiled, "I do want this...thank you, Craig," he said happily as he threw his arms around his lover and kissed him deeply. He truly did believe that neither of them would ever have anything better than what they had now.
Trying to match Karl’s smile with on of his own, Craig returned his lover’s kiss as best he could. No matter what, now that he’d given his word, he was bound to Karl, and neither of them doubted for one instant that their promises wouldn’t be honored.
***
Still staring into the fire, Craig realized that were it not for that single promise, he would most likely be gathering his courage to pull David into his arms and kiss him until neither of them could breathe. He remembered looking into David’s eyes, and knowing that everything he’d ever dreamed of was just beyond his reach, if only he hadn’t given in to Karl on that day so long ago. //I’m so sorry, David. If you could possibly be interested in me at all, I think we could have everything we’ve both ever wanted in our lives. But we’ll never know.// With a deep sigh, he stared toward the door David had stepped through and longed to have that one day back…to know what real, deep, true love was like for once in his life.
~~~
TBC