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fellowshippers2005-07-28 08:47 am
misskitti.livejournal.com) wrote in fellowshippers2005-07-28 08:47 am
Clean Laundry Ch. 1
Title: Clean Laundry (Ch. 1/?)
Author: [info]misskitti
vRating: PG-13 to R
Pairings: For the moment Orlando and himself. With a smattering of Billy/Dom/Elijah for comedic relief. (Eventually you'll get ViggOrli, I promise)
Warnings: Inappropriate Manly Hobbit on Hobbit Action. Peter Jackson like you never ever ever ever want to see. References to naughty midget doings. And the shamefully hot man-sex. Sort of.
Beta: The Lovely Miss Kaytee
Archives: Back in that corner over there.
Summary: It all began innocently enough. Or at least that's what he kept telling himself. Just a little prank really. He hadn't meant for it to get this, er, big.
~*~
"Would you three please sit still!" the frazzled makeup lady shouted, swatting their knees with a brush. Three half dressed hobbits squealed back at her.
"There has got to be a reason why I do this..."she muttered to herself, just as the door of the trailer swung open. A tall slim young man was backlit quite beautifully in the frame, his slightly bedraggled hair making a soft halo around his sweet face.
"Oh my." She said with wide unblinking eyes. What an entrance, she was thinking, when the door made the last half of its arc and landed soundly on the young man's ass.
"OOF!" he said, and stumbled forward over the sill, which of course made him fall forward, taking half a chair and a pile of towels with him. More giggles erupted from the occupied chairs. The lump of towels writhed, which only made the three laugh harder.
"I, er," mumbled the mound of laundry, "this is the makeup trailer, right?"
"Yes, m'dear, it sure is," she smothered the snicker that was nearly choking her, and bent to assist him in clearing the towels from his face, "though someone might mistake you for the laundry pile if you're not careful. Here, let me get that one."
"Thanks." As his face cleared the pile he stood up, blushing hard. "these trailers aren't labeled very well, last three doors I opened were, er, not…um…that is….what I mean to say is…I wasn't aware that the, er, little people were so, um, big."
"Oh, so you've met the hobbits size doubles!" she exclaimed.
"Doubles, you mean everything is doubled?!" he looked wide eyed at the three young men in the chairs before his brain caught up with his stumbling feet. "Oh."
The hobbits didn't get it, but deemed it hilarious anyway; they fell off their respective chairs and were laughing so hard that they rolled into a heap.
"Well, I'm sure I'll get used to where things are soon enough." He smiled weakly, looking away. "I'm Bloom, that is, Orlando. Orlando Bloom. Legolas."
"Ah, yes, the elf." She smiled. "Sit, sit, we've got a lot of work to do."
As he sat down, he couldn't help but think that the heap of hobbits looked a bit suspicious. I guess they're good friends, he thought optimistically as the brushes and pastes whipped past his eyes. It was a flurry of makeup and all he could do was sit back and take it.
The hobbits, however, continued to giggle.
~*~
Later, just off set, three hobbits sat in a tight circle whispering. The light rain that had settled across the skies had darkened into a downpour. They huddled around a small space heater by a trailer, three small brownish lumps.
"Did you see him, Lij?! He's so….pretty!"
"Hmph." Elijah pouted. Wasn't as pretty as me, he thought.
"Sure, Dom, he was pretty, but he's more awkward than a giraffe!"
"Well you know what they say about giraffes, don't'cha Billy?" Dom chuckled.
"No, actually, I don't know. Do tell, what do they say about giraffes?"
Caught in his own joke, Dom choked. "I, er, They have really long tongues?"
"I don't get it." Elijah's face scrunched up tight, as if that would make the joke funny.
"He means that he wants to snog him!" Billy laughed and punched Dom's shoulder.
"Ew, no! Don't be so gay Bills!" Dom squealed as he struggled to maintain his balance. He wobbled and leaned while the other two laughed at him.
"Then what did you mean?" snickered Lij, eyeing his friend.
"I don't know. I was just makin' stuff up." He grumbled.
"Sod off, you were thinking about how much you wanted his tight….mmmrmpf" Billy's words were cut off suddenly as Dom flung himself over the heater to clamp his hand over his friends mouth. This soon turned into a rather energetic wrestling match, despite the rain and the chill in the air. Of course, neither remembered the space heater they had been hunching around. Squawks of frustration turned to yelps of pain as they realized that parts of them were burning. The space heater that had been so pleasantly warming them earlier was now singing skin in some terribly inappropriate places. Elijah just sat back and watched; half amused and just a little turned on. There really was something about a manly wrestling match.
Elijah tried not to laugh as the two disentangled themselves, which resulted in a few more burns when the cord got tangled in their feet. He swallowed the snickers when he helped Dom bandage his burned rear, noticing how well shaped it was. He even held his tongue when Billy took his pants off to get to the burns on his thighs. Elijah was being good. For now.
Bruised, battered and a bit burned, the three gave up on the outside and retreated to the comforts of Billy's trailer. There was only so much to do on a rainy day, short of getting plastered at a local bar. It was too early in the morning for that. They played card games halfheartedly, but were still bored. They bandied about ideas to alleviate the boredom, but to no avail. They lapsed into a companionable silence, listening to the radio and the rain on the roof. It was there that the idea came to Dominic.
"I've got it!"
"What?" asked Billy, incredulously.
"We'll prank Bloom!"
"Why?" Elijah was wary.
"'Cuz he's easy," grinned Dom, then noticing the odd looks on their faces, continued, "I mean, easy to prank. He's so awkward, and stumble-y, and…."
"Terribly gay?" the two answered in unison.
"Well, yeah, but that's not the point. He's so gullible, we could do almost anything!" As soon as the words left his mouth he realized he'd done it again. Their faces twitched, trying desperately to hold back the laughter. "You know what I mean!"
Billy and Elijah erupted in raucous laughter. Falling over on the couch, and into each other, their heads smashed together. Laughing turned to howling in pain, and Dom smiled.
"See, that's what you get for laughing at me!" he grinned. "Anyway, we gotta prank someone. Might as well be him."
Rubbing their sore heads, and bruised ego's, Billy and Elijah sat up and looked at each other. They shrugged.
"Good point Dom, but what're we gonna do?" asked Elijah, looking innocently up at Dominic.
"Well, remember how he came in that first day, all sputtering about the trailers?" Dom smiled devilishly. "I got an idea"
~*~
It was the end of the first week of filming and Orlando still hadn't quite figured out the obscure way the trailers and tents were labeled. This morning he'd interrupted Peter Jackson having a bath. That image was something that he could never ever scrub out of his mind. Scrub. Oh, he thought, not scrubbing. He closed his eyes and sighed. Would he ever be safe? And what exactly was that shape that had been under the water? It was to small to be a person. Small. Person. Orlando shivered. This was going to be one hell of a shoot.
Just as he opened his eyes, and began to take a step forward, he realized that there was a hobbit standing in front of him. Throwing himself backwards quickly so as not to run into the young man, Orlando fell backwards into the trailer wall behind him.
"Need a moment there?" Elijah grinned at the lanky man.
"I, er, still a bit lost. I can't seem to find the wardrobe trailer." Orlando smiled weakly.
"Oh, that's easy. Right over there." He pointed to his left.
"Oh thank you," Orlando said gratefully, "um, what was your name again?"
"Elijah. The name's Elijah."
"Thanks Elijah. See ya around." And with that Orlando began to walk gracefully towards the trailer in question.
"Oh, you will." Muttered Lij sardonically, "you will." He quickly slipped back into the shadows where Billy and Dom waited. A little to close together for Lij's liking.
"Oh no, Lij!" exclaimed Billy sarcastically, "that's not wardrobe!"
"I know." The three giggled and snuck away.
At that same exact second Orlando was proudly flinging open the door of the trailer he thought was wardrobe. Happy that he might even be on time today, he smugly strode in without a second thought.
"Bring on the spandex." He announced. To the dimly lit room.
Silence met him. Orlando blinked, eyes adjusting to the light change. There were no racks of costumes, no changing screens. There was a mirror though. And that mirror reflected quite well the perfectly shaped behind of the naked man in front of him. Stark naked. Orlando couldn't do anything but stare at the finely muscled form standing right in front of him. Tousled brown hair topped a rugged manly face. Frozen in shock, Orlando's eyed followed the hair down to his chest, then lower. He squeaked when his eyes met with the thickness nestled in the nether curls. He felt himself tighten against his own will.
"I..er….wrong trailer!" he stuttered and fled.
Viggo frowned. And I was going to offer him some tea, he mused. Oh well. He turned around and snagged his pants off the shelf where he had been just about to reach. Might as well get dressed now. As the door shuddered and banged against the frame, he put his pants on, and made ready to make the trek to the wardrobe trailer. How convenient, he thought, that the wardrobe trailer was right across the way.
Meanwhile, Orlando had somehow made it back to his own trailer, though he wasn't quite sure how. He ran his hands through his hair and leaned into the couch. His heart was pounding and he struggled to catch his breath. Damnit. He looked down. The tent in his pants was so obvious, even an Orc would laugh. What the hell was he going to do now?! You can't wear spandex with a boner! Orlando groaned. Looks like I'll be late again this morning, he reasoned. In for a penny, in for a pound.
Making sure to lock the door so he himself wouldn't be interrupted, he slid his lithe frame back onto the couch. Stretching long, he pulled his arms up over his head, then let them trail back down his chest. His mind wandered, past girlfriends, past sexual encounters. He felt himself grow harder, longer. A light sigh eased past his lips as he snuck a hand down his abdomen. Closing his eyes, his hand slipped farther, past the waistband. He moaned a little when his fingers met with his hard shaft. He shifted his hips slightly, and pulled at his pants with his other hand. The waistband lifted reluctantly over his erection, and he bucked a bit when the elastic caught. Finally free of the cotton imprisonment, his cock thrust high and happily. Slipping his fingers around the shaft, he felt the welcoming warmth spread over his body. Images flashed in his mind, of the things he had done with girlfriends, and by himself. His other hand snaked upwards again to slip under his shirt, tweaking first his right, then his left nipple. Rocking and gripping, he rode himself mercilessly, thrusting and moaning. Harder and harder, faster and faster he clasped his hardness and bucked ruthlessly. He felt himself tighten, just about to come. Harder, faster, rubbing, gripping himself. As he exploded in a ball of white hot fury, the image that was stuck in his mind was that of the naked man in the trailer, thick, hot and inviting. As he came, dripping hotly all over his chest, Orlando groaned loudly.
This was going to be a long shoot.
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You can't wear spandex with a boner!
Genius.
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I have a whole playlist of 'pranks" but I'm always open to more suggestions.
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Love the banner, too.
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Besides, I was raised corny. I have no choice but to embrace the humor.
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Hee! Me too. I am inordinately fond of puns and of crack!fic. Embrace your corn!
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*snicker*
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*wink*