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fellowshippers2003-08-11 11:03 am
riddlemesphinx.livejournal.com) wrote in fellowshippers2003-08-11 11:03 am
Running Along the Shore
Title: Running Along the Shore (2/?)
Author: Sphinx (sphinx_no_miko@hotmail.com)
Pairing: Domlijah
Rating: PG-13 for language and content
Feedback:Yes, please.
Summary: Elijah tells the story of a relationship: his own, with Dom. And Dom has a problem that neither of them are sure how to fix.
Notes: I posted the first chapter about two months ago (it can be found here), and then writer's block hit. I finally finished chapter two, which contains an extremely manipulative!Elijah and an almost equally as manipulative!Dom.
Disclaimer: Not true with these boys (let's hope), but it happens to lots of other people out there.
I guess I realized that it wasn’t over when Dom began disappearing after dinner. Not right away, of course, he didn’t want to make me suspicious. It was usually about an hour afterwards every night. I knew anyway. Knew that it was happening again, but I forced myself to believe that it wasn’t true. For his sake. For mine. If I hadn’t put off confrontation for so long, I don’t know what would have happened, really. Nothing good, that’s for sure.
So, while I waited to be brave enough to confront him, I tried another tactic: guilt. A mother’s best friend, or so I’m told. Except of course, that I was a boyfriend instead of a mother…
But anyway. Guilt. I told him every day how proud I was of him for the progress he was making. I mentioned that he seemed happier since he had stopped, and how happy that was making me feel. He couldn’t do anything in response but smile a tight little smile (which he thought had me fooled) and agree with me. I knew that the guilt was working: he bought me flowers, and took me out to dinner, and surprised me with CDs and small little things like that. But I couldn’t fool myself into thinking that it was working in the way that I had hoped it would.
Dom was a classic case: guilt made him feel bad, feeling bad made him eat more, and eating more made him purge more. I couldn’t think of anything else to do—I wasn’t ready to deal with him face to face about it yet—so I just laid on more guilt. It was a terrible thing for me to do. I’m not proud of it.
After I found blood on the toilet seat again, I had to accept the fact that my little guilt trips were having the opposite of the desired effect. I forced myself to acknowledge the thought of confrontation as something that I had to do if I wanted to save Dom. So I decided to do it one night, about an hour after dinner. When he got up to do his usual disappearing act, I stopped him.
“Do you have to leave right now?” I asked.
He froze for a minute, then turned to look at me. He knew that I knew something, or at least he guessed that I did. He tried to play it off.
“I’ll be right back, love. I just have to use the bathroom.”
"But the movie’s almost over,” I declared lamely. “If you go now, you’ll miss the end. Can’t you wait?”
Inwardly, I winced as Dom gave me a weird look. I needed something better if I wanted to keep him there. I needed to bait him.
“Lijah,” he said exasperatedly, “I promise I’ll be back in a minute.” A pause. “Are you okay, Doodle?”
And there it was. The opportunity I needed. I looked down and the floor, avoiding his eyes. “Well, I…”
“Baby, what is it?” he asked. His voice was anxious—he wanted to get to the bathroom to purge—but also worried. I kept my gaze fixed on the carpet.
“I just feel like…I’m apart from you. That there’s something between us.” I looked up at him quickly. “There isn’t, is there, Dommie?”
That did it. Any anxiety about me knowing the truth was lost. He came hastily back to the couch and gathered me in his arms. I wrapped my arms around his neck, trying not to hate myself for what I was doing to him.
“Lijah, no. Of course there isn’t. I’d never let anything come between us, ever.” He held me back at arm’s length and looked me right in the eye. “I love you.”
I wanted to cry. I hated myself for soliciting those words from him under these circumstances. It wasn’t right, they were rare enough as it was.
I hugged him tighter and said, “I love you too, Dommie.”
I let him hold me a little longer before adding, “That’s why I’m so glad you stopped…you know. You can’t imagine how happy that makes me to know that you’re safe and well again. And that you stopped for us. You did stop for us, right Dommie?”
His whole body had tensed up, and it seemed like forever until he cleared his throat and said, “Of course. Of course I did.”
We sat in silence for several moments, him holding me and trying desperately to un-tense himself. I knew he was thinking longingly of the bathroom, but at the same time, telling himself what a risk it would be to leave me right now. Finally, very quietly, I said,
“Don’t lie to me, Dom.”
He recoiled instantly, shoving me to the far end of the couch. He stared at me with astonishment.
“You know,” he breathed.
“Yes,” I said softly. “I know.”
He clenched his fists. “Fuck you.”
“No, fuck you, Dominic Monaghan. Don’t you care what you’re doing to yourself?! No, sorry, stupid fucking question, because you obviously don’t. Fine, then. Don’t you care what you’re doing to me? To us?!”
He looked like he was going to cry. “Of course I do. I love you, Elijah, you’re everything to me. I’d do anything for you, you know that. Anything.”
“Then stop doing this,” I snapped.
I watched his jaw clench and unclench. He whispered, “You know I can’t.”
What I said next was one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to say to someone. I stood up from the couch, steadying myself by holding onto the arm of it. I had to blink very hard to push back the tears forming in my eyes.
“Then I have to leave. I can’t do this anymore, Dommie. God…I love you, so much. But this is too hurtful I can’t…I have to leave.”
He wouldn’t look at me, but his breath hitched in his throat as he replied, “I understand.”
I wanted to scream. That wasn’t what was supposed to happen. He wasn’t supposed to understand! He was supposed to offer to change, and actually mean it. I stared at him through tear-blurred eyes.
“Please?” I asked, in a last, desperate attempt.
He shook his head and lifted his gaze to meet mine. “I can’t. Especially not without you, Elijah. I need you, you’re what keeps me feeling alive. You make me feel good enough.”
“But you had me!” I shouted. “You had me, and it didn’t do shit!” I sank to my knees in front of him and put my head on his knee.
“It didn’t do shit,” I repeated weakly. He lifted my face to look at him. His eyes searched mine, begged me to stay.
“You give me strength,” he said.
I let him kiss me then, and realization hit. I couldn’t leave him. I needed him just as much as he needed me. A true codependent relationship. I realized that I had known for awhile now that I couldn’t live without him. Only now, he knew it too, and that was a dangerous card to put into his hand.
-End Chapter-
Author: Sphinx (sphinx_no_miko@hotmail.com)
Pairing: Domlijah
Rating: PG-13 for language and content
Feedback:Yes, please.
Summary: Elijah tells the story of a relationship: his own, with Dom. And Dom has a problem that neither of them are sure how to fix.
Notes: I posted the first chapter about two months ago (it can be found here), and then writer's block hit. I finally finished chapter two, which contains an extremely manipulative!Elijah and an almost equally as manipulative!Dom.
Disclaimer: Not true with these boys (let's hope), but it happens to lots of other people out there.
I guess I realized that it wasn’t over when Dom began disappearing after dinner. Not right away, of course, he didn’t want to make me suspicious. It was usually about an hour afterwards every night. I knew anyway. Knew that it was happening again, but I forced myself to believe that it wasn’t true. For his sake. For mine. If I hadn’t put off confrontation for so long, I don’t know what would have happened, really. Nothing good, that’s for sure.
So, while I waited to be brave enough to confront him, I tried another tactic: guilt. A mother’s best friend, or so I’m told. Except of course, that I was a boyfriend instead of a mother…
But anyway. Guilt. I told him every day how proud I was of him for the progress he was making. I mentioned that he seemed happier since he had stopped, and how happy that was making me feel. He couldn’t do anything in response but smile a tight little smile (which he thought had me fooled) and agree with me. I knew that the guilt was working: he bought me flowers, and took me out to dinner, and surprised me with CDs and small little things like that. But I couldn’t fool myself into thinking that it was working in the way that I had hoped it would.
Dom was a classic case: guilt made him feel bad, feeling bad made him eat more, and eating more made him purge more. I couldn’t think of anything else to do—I wasn’t ready to deal with him face to face about it yet—so I just laid on more guilt. It was a terrible thing for me to do. I’m not proud of it.
After I found blood on the toilet seat again, I had to accept the fact that my little guilt trips were having the opposite of the desired effect. I forced myself to acknowledge the thought of confrontation as something that I had to do if I wanted to save Dom. So I decided to do it one night, about an hour after dinner. When he got up to do his usual disappearing act, I stopped him.
“Do you have to leave right now?” I asked.
He froze for a minute, then turned to look at me. He knew that I knew something, or at least he guessed that I did. He tried to play it off.
“I’ll be right back, love. I just have to use the bathroom.”
"But the movie’s almost over,” I declared lamely. “If you go now, you’ll miss the end. Can’t you wait?”
Inwardly, I winced as Dom gave me a weird look. I needed something better if I wanted to keep him there. I needed to bait him.
“Lijah,” he said exasperatedly, “I promise I’ll be back in a minute.” A pause. “Are you okay, Doodle?”
And there it was. The opportunity I needed. I looked down and the floor, avoiding his eyes. “Well, I…”
“Baby, what is it?” he asked. His voice was anxious—he wanted to get to the bathroom to purge—but also worried. I kept my gaze fixed on the carpet.
“I just feel like…I’m apart from you. That there’s something between us.” I looked up at him quickly. “There isn’t, is there, Dommie?”
That did it. Any anxiety about me knowing the truth was lost. He came hastily back to the couch and gathered me in his arms. I wrapped my arms around his neck, trying not to hate myself for what I was doing to him.
“Lijah, no. Of course there isn’t. I’d never let anything come between us, ever.” He held me back at arm’s length and looked me right in the eye. “I love you.”
I wanted to cry. I hated myself for soliciting those words from him under these circumstances. It wasn’t right, they were rare enough as it was.
I hugged him tighter and said, “I love you too, Dommie.”
I let him hold me a little longer before adding, “That’s why I’m so glad you stopped…you know. You can’t imagine how happy that makes me to know that you’re safe and well again. And that you stopped for us. You did stop for us, right Dommie?”
His whole body had tensed up, and it seemed like forever until he cleared his throat and said, “Of course. Of course I did.”
We sat in silence for several moments, him holding me and trying desperately to un-tense himself. I knew he was thinking longingly of the bathroom, but at the same time, telling himself what a risk it would be to leave me right now. Finally, very quietly, I said,
“Don’t lie to me, Dom.”
He recoiled instantly, shoving me to the far end of the couch. He stared at me with astonishment.
“You know,” he breathed.
“Yes,” I said softly. “I know.”
He clenched his fists. “Fuck you.”
“No, fuck you, Dominic Monaghan. Don’t you care what you’re doing to yourself?! No, sorry, stupid fucking question, because you obviously don’t. Fine, then. Don’t you care what you’re doing to me? To us?!”
He looked like he was going to cry. “Of course I do. I love you, Elijah, you’re everything to me. I’d do anything for you, you know that. Anything.”
“Then stop doing this,” I snapped.
I watched his jaw clench and unclench. He whispered, “You know I can’t.”
What I said next was one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to say to someone. I stood up from the couch, steadying myself by holding onto the arm of it. I had to blink very hard to push back the tears forming in my eyes.
“Then I have to leave. I can’t do this anymore, Dommie. God…I love you, so much. But this is too hurtful I can’t…I have to leave.”
He wouldn’t look at me, but his breath hitched in his throat as he replied, “I understand.”
I wanted to scream. That wasn’t what was supposed to happen. He wasn’t supposed to understand! He was supposed to offer to change, and actually mean it. I stared at him through tear-blurred eyes.
“Please?” I asked, in a last, desperate attempt.
He shook his head and lifted his gaze to meet mine. “I can’t. Especially not without you, Elijah. I need you, you’re what keeps me feeling alive. You make me feel good enough.”
“But you had me!” I shouted. “You had me, and it didn’t do shit!” I sank to my knees in front of him and put my head on his knee.
“It didn’t do shit,” I repeated weakly. He lifted my face to look at him. His eyes searched mine, begged me to stay.
“You give me strength,” he said.
I let him kiss me then, and realization hit. I couldn’t leave him. I needed him just as much as he needed me. A true codependent relationship. I realized that I had known for awhile now that I couldn’t live without him. Only now, he knew it too, and that was a dangerous card to put into his hand.
-End Chapter-
no subject
I was wondering if you're archived anywhere. If you're not would you like to be archived at Into The Fire (http://www.geocities.com/intothefirelotrs)?
no subject
I'm actually not archived anywhere, but if you would like to have me at Into the Fire, I'd be very grateful.
Thanks again!
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ttfn and until then...
Amanda
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are there any more to come? i sure hope so ")
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no subject
You are a wonderful writer. Please, please, please keep going with this. & congrats on being archived!
no subject