relax, I know how to make cement (![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png)
telesilla.livejournal.com) wrote in ![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png)
fellowshippers2005-02-03 12:50 am
telesilla.livejournal.com) wrote in fellowshippers2005-02-03 12:50 am
FIC: Of Elves, Hobbits, and Men (Lotrips, crack!fic, PG-13)
Of Elves, Hobbits, and Men
Author:![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
telesilla
Rating: PG-13
Fandom/Pairing: Lotrips, implied Orlando/Bean
Archive: no where
Summary: Two vignettes that attempt to answer the eternal questions: Would Elijah Wood still be a foul-mouthed chain smoking kid if he were really a Hobbit? Would Orlando still be a bit of a slut if he were actually an Elf?.
Disclaimer: Not RL; didn't happen. If you think this has anything to do with the real actors involved, then you need to put down the crack pipe.
Warning: crack!fic, yo
Notes: More crack!fic. Can't blame this one on anyone but it's still somehow Lu's fault. So yeah, dedicated toluleh.
"I can't believe we need makeup artists and goddamned product for our feet," Elijah mumbled, sipping his coffee and gazing around the trailer blearily. "What the fuck is up with that bullshit?"
"You only need it because you have a damn bearskin rug on yours," Dom said, desperately trying to pretend that he wasn't massively hung over.
"Fuck you," Elijah snarled, reaching for his pack of cloves. "I'll have you know that we Woods have always prided ourselves on the amount of hair we have on our feet."
"I know," Dom replied. "We all bloody well know."
"And thanks to that beer last night," Billy chimed in, "everyone who was in the bar knows. Although I must say that wee lassie with the red hair was impressed."
"She was at that, Bills," Dom said, snickering. "She continued to be impressed until Elijah tried to get her to believe that old rumor about how the hairier the feet, the bigger the...."
"Oh Elijah," Sean Astin said with a frown. "Don't tell me you used that line to try to pick up a girl. And please don't light up in here, it's not safe with all the hair product around." He grimaced as his makeup artist tugged at the point of his ear to get him to turn his head.
"I didn't," Elijah all but squeaked. He frowned. "Did I?"
"Why do you think her lug of a boyfriend tried to give you a pounding?" Dom said. "Must have been, what 3'9 ... 3'11? And wide as he was tall."
"See that's where you fuck up every time," Elijah said triumphantly. "You're going along fine and then you try to tell me some hulking brute tried to beat me up. I'd fucking well remember that."
"He's got a point Dom," Sean said.
"Two points," Elijah and Billy in unison. "And not a brain between them."
"Wankers," Dom muttered. "That joke was old when my gran was a tween." He glowered at them both but couldn't help relenting when Elijah blew him a kiss. Wish that were for real, he thought a little wistfully, and then grunted a little when his make-up artist found a knot in the thick hair of his right foot.
* * *
"Orlando," Connie the hair artist said, frowning as she looked at his neck. "Are you using a new laundry powder? This looks like an allergic reaction," she added, touching a reddened patch that stood out against the pale, almost gleaming alabaster of Orlando's skin.
Orlando mumbled something as the tips of his ears went a little pink.
"What's that?"
"Allergic to Bean's beard," Orlando said in English.
"Oh," she said, wincing. "I didn't mean to pry."
"No problem," Orlando said, glaring over at Viggo who wasn't working very hard to control his smirk. "You bloody Men and your bloody facial hair."
"Could be worse," Viggo said.
"Yeah, I could be sleeping with my horse the way you do," Orlando said.
"I was thinking of that stuntwoman," Viggo replied, loftily ignoring the remark about Ureaus. "Margaret from Sydney. The two of you seemed pretty thick the other day."
"What's that," Bean asked from the door of the trailer. "Orli, are you stepping out on me with a Dwarvish stuntie?"
"Would I be so rude as to get involved with a woman Viggo so obviously wants?" Orlando asked, assuming his best haughty expression as Connie tied off his last braid. "He likes the bearded ladies."
"Margaret's a lot of fun," Viggo said, deadpan. "No reason I too can't do as much for interracial relations as the two of you do."
Even Connie giggled at the look on Orlando and Bean's faces. "Half a mo, guys," she said a moment later after looking around. "They forgot to bring Bean's wig back after they mended that tear in it last night."
As soon as she left, Bean and Orli looked at each other and then at Viggo.
"You serious about doing your bit for interracial relations?" Bean asked, moving to lean one hip against the table in front of Viggo.
"Because," Orlando said, moving behind Viggo's chair with his characteristic swift grace. "We would love for you to tell us if we're doing it right."
"Might even be able to give us a few pointers," Bean said persuasively. "Orlando really wants you to join us, Vig. You'll love it. He almost glows in the moonlight, you know. You could bring your camera...."
"Sean," Viggo said with a smile as he reached back and toyed with the end Orlando's braid where it brushed his cheek. "If you don't shut up, I won't be able to get my 'yes' in edgewise."
--end--
Author:
telesillaRating: PG-13
Fandom/Pairing: Lotrips, implied Orlando/Bean
Archive: no where
Summary: Two vignettes that attempt to answer the eternal questions: Would Elijah Wood still be a foul-mouthed chain smoking kid if he were really a Hobbit? Would Orlando still be a bit of a slut if he were actually an Elf?.
Disclaimer: Not RL; didn't happen. If you think this has anything to do with the real actors involved, then you need to put down the crack pipe.
Warning: crack!fic, yo
Notes: More crack!fic. Can't blame this one on anyone but it's still somehow Lu's fault. So yeah, dedicated to
luleh."I can't believe we need makeup artists and goddamned product for our feet," Elijah mumbled, sipping his coffee and gazing around the trailer blearily. "What the fuck is up with that bullshit?"
"You only need it because you have a damn bearskin rug on yours," Dom said, desperately trying to pretend that he wasn't massively hung over.
"Fuck you," Elijah snarled, reaching for his pack of cloves. "I'll have you know that we Woods have always prided ourselves on the amount of hair we have on our feet."
"I know," Dom replied. "We all bloody well know."
"And thanks to that beer last night," Billy chimed in, "everyone who was in the bar knows. Although I must say that wee lassie with the red hair was impressed."
"She was at that, Bills," Dom said, snickering. "She continued to be impressed until Elijah tried to get her to believe that old rumor about how the hairier the feet, the bigger the...."
"Oh Elijah," Sean Astin said with a frown. "Don't tell me you used that line to try to pick up a girl. And please don't light up in here, it's not safe with all the hair product around." He grimaced as his makeup artist tugged at the point of his ear to get him to turn his head.
"I didn't," Elijah all but squeaked. He frowned. "Did I?"
"Why do you think her lug of a boyfriend tried to give you a pounding?" Dom said. "Must have been, what 3'9 ... 3'11? And wide as he was tall."
"See that's where you fuck up every time," Elijah said triumphantly. "You're going along fine and then you try to tell me some hulking brute tried to beat me up. I'd fucking well remember that."
"He's got a point Dom," Sean said.
"Two points," Elijah and Billy in unison. "And not a brain between them."
"Wankers," Dom muttered. "That joke was old when my gran was a tween." He glowered at them both but couldn't help relenting when Elijah blew him a kiss. Wish that were for real, he thought a little wistfully, and then grunted a little when his make-up artist found a knot in the thick hair of his right foot.
* * *
"Orlando," Connie the hair artist said, frowning as she looked at his neck. "Are you using a new laundry powder? This looks like an allergic reaction," she added, touching a reddened patch that stood out against the pale, almost gleaming alabaster of Orlando's skin.
Orlando mumbled something as the tips of his ears went a little pink.
"What's that?"
"Allergic to Bean's beard," Orlando said in English.
"Oh," she said, wincing. "I didn't mean to pry."
"No problem," Orlando said, glaring over at Viggo who wasn't working very hard to control his smirk. "You bloody Men and your bloody facial hair."
"Could be worse," Viggo said.
"Yeah, I could be sleeping with my horse the way you do," Orlando said.
"I was thinking of that stuntwoman," Viggo replied, loftily ignoring the remark about Ureaus. "Margaret from Sydney. The two of you seemed pretty thick the other day."
"What's that," Bean asked from the door of the trailer. "Orli, are you stepping out on me with a Dwarvish stuntie?"
"Would I be so rude as to get involved with a woman Viggo so obviously wants?" Orlando asked, assuming his best haughty expression as Connie tied off his last braid. "He likes the bearded ladies."
"Margaret's a lot of fun," Viggo said, deadpan. "No reason I too can't do as much for interracial relations as the two of you do."
Even Connie giggled at the look on Orlando and Bean's faces. "Half a mo, guys," she said a moment later after looking around. "They forgot to bring Bean's wig back after they mended that tear in it last night."
As soon as she left, Bean and Orli looked at each other and then at Viggo.
"You serious about doing your bit for interracial relations?" Bean asked, moving to lean one hip against the table in front of Viggo.
"Because," Orlando said, moving behind Viggo's chair with his characteristic swift grace. "We would love for you to tell us if we're doing it right."
"Might even be able to give us a few pointers," Bean said persuasively. "Orlando really wants you to join us, Vig. You'll love it. He almost glows in the moonlight, you know. You could bring your camera...."
"Sean," Viggo said with a smile as he reached back and toyed with the end Orlando's braid where it brushed his cheek. "If you don't shut up, I won't be able to get my 'yes' in edgewise."
--end--
no subject
Too cute!
Thank you. :-)
no subject
no subject