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fellowshippers2004-10-20 12:11 am
rosemending.livejournal.com) wrote in fellowshippers2004-10-20 12:11 am
FIC: A Motley Crew (Domlijah and etc)
Title: A Motley Crew
Author: Rosemending rosemending@hotmail.com
Website: http://www.twib.oscillating.net
Pairing: Domlijah and various and sundry
Rating: R for language
Category: Humour, AU
Summary: Elijah is a personal assistant working on the set of Lord of the Rings.
Disclaimer: Although I have never met him, am sure Elijah would never do that to Liv's coffee, or the other things which are fictional in this fic.
Liv's new assistant on Lord of the Rings was a fresh faced American boy, with big eyes that said "Am young, please don't hurt me," and a sweet smile that said "Am sensitive, I'll love you forever if you'll be nice to me."
But Elijah the personal assistant's mouth sang a different tune. "You fuck up your wig one more time, I'll shit in your coffee!"
The language was shocking. But Liv put up with it because Elijah was attentive to her costumes and quick with an umbrella, and when guys hassle her on nights out, Elijah would get in their face and wave his fists and send them running away (clutching their stomachs so they don't throw up for laughing).
There was a rumour going around that a member of the crew was obsessed with Liv. A creepy German-Manchester guy, called Dominic, who worked on Sound. Elijah told Liv that he overheard some Effects guys talk about Dominic, that Dominic had tapes of Liv's dialogue which he played over and over again in his bedroom late at night.
Liv thought it was kind of sweet, in a scary way. When Dominic showed up at Liv's make-up trailer early one morning, Elijah was ready for him.
"Keep your hands off her, jerk-off," Elijah greeted him at the door.
Dominic was shorter and younger than Elijah imagined him. He had a big nose and a crooked jaw and crinkly eyes when he smiled ingratiatingly. He wasn't half as menacing as the Effects guys made him out to be. Dominic had enormous Dumbo ears, over which he wore a pair of yellow Sony ear-muffs, from which weird noises leaked out.
"Peter said I can get an autograph," Dominic pushed past Elijah. "Hiya, Liv, Jesus am your biggest fan."
"Don't you swear in front of her, you dickwad," Elijah snarled. "You want me to fucking kick his ass, Liv?"
Liv, grimacing, shook her head.
Dominic scratched his goatee as he watched, enthralled, as Liv signed a couple of her dad's CDs for him, a production poster of Arwen and a pair of Elf ears.
"Are you going to sell those off e-bay?" Liv asked, pointing at the ears.
"No, no," Dominic re-assured her. "I'm making them into ear-rings. And I'm going to have my ears pierced and then I'm going to wear the Elf ears as ear-rings and it's going to be very ironic, very avant-garde."
Liv flitted her eyes at Elijah. Elijah mouthed "Super freak" back at her.
As soon as Liv's pen stopped moving, Elijah rushed up to usher Dominic out the door. But Dominic wasn't budging. Dominic looked with star struck awe at Liv.
"Just one more thing," Dominic said, his eyes gleaming small and brightly in his face. "Can I kiss your hand, like a lady?"
"You're out of your fucking mind," Elijah pulled on Dominic's shirt.
"Oh, I don't mind," Liv offered her hand and Dominic sunk his head down and kissed it, lingeringly.
Liv giggled, as fuming, Elijah dragged Dominic away.
Elijah couldn't believe that asshole, Dominic asked Elijah to call him Dom. Dom was a shithead and Dom had had the bloody guts to slip Elijah his number. Elijah tossed Dom's number in the trash, it was fucking obvious Dom just wanted to use Elijah to kiss up to Liv.
In a rage, Elijah went to tell his friends about this Dom. Orlando was slaughtering Orcs when Elijah arrived at the Stunt team's training area. Orlando was a body double for Legolas. The actors who played Legolas and Aragorn were observing.
Elijah waited until the Stunt Choreographer called for a break and went up to Orlando.
"Give me one of those sick puppies," Elijah grabbed a prop knife, a wicked white bone handled weapon used by Legolas. "I know just the place to stick it, three inches behind the balls of that wanker Dom."
"He's not that bad," Orlando carefully took the knife off Elijah's hands. "He came to record some sword swishing and armour banging the other day. We got to talking, he's obsessed with noise."
"And Liv," Elijah reminded Orlando. "Sick pervert."
"That he is," Orlando nodded. "He's not sniffing after Liv though, he worships her."
"I don't fucking believe you," Elijah shook his head fiercely. "He's hanging around our trailer day and night like a shitty smell."
"Oh that," Orlando waved his hand. "That's because he likes you."
"No goddamnfucking way," Elijah hissed, eyes wide.
"He's not interested in Liv that way, he's bent like anything," Orlando whispered. "He's really fascinated with you, he said you were 'a modernist combination of the butcher and the doll'."
"Fucking asshole," Elijah said, contemplatively.
Orlando couldn't talk more after that, because the actor who played Aragron came over. Viggo was artistic and handsome and open minded, Viggo was particularly keen on Orlando's archery and sticky English accent and clever hands and the shapely way Orlando wore Legolas' leggings. Orlando was just as taken with Viggo and Elijah left them to discuss a fishing (fucking) camping trip (his ass).
Billy, known affectionately as 'Dwarf Impersonator', came running in Elijah's direction, "Where've you been? All hell's broken loose and Liv's been looking everywhere for you."
Billy earned his living on his knees. Just a bit on the short side of being average sized, Billy was a Hobbit stand-in. It was all to do with the scales and blue screens and the unfortunate way in which Billy, on his knees, was just proportionate in height to Ian McKellen's crotch as a Hobbit ought to be. The nature of Billy's work relationship with Ian was a cause for much hilarity and gossip among the cast and crew.
Billy, green eyed, Scottish and good humoured took the jabs with good grace and sometimes, if it was Orlando who teased him, Billy gave back as good as he got. Until Orlando's neck would redden at the various ways Billy suggested he polish Viggo's crown.
"The voice artist for Gollum took a chill in that river frolicking scene and kept pushing on, now he's got pneumonia. Peter says he's not going to be able to work for two months," Billy explained. "And guess who Peter wants to do some screeches and jibbering to queue the actors?"
"No fucking way," Elijah was breathless with pleasure.
"Yes, its you mate, congratulations!" Billy clapped Elijah on the back. "They'll edit you out of the soundtrack once the actor recovers of course, but you're going to interact with the cast during shooting. That's almost as good as a speaking part."
Elijah was so happy. It was his secret wish to become an actor, he'd not gotten very far, until now, but Elijah was okay with that, he was young, he had plenty of time. This was quite the breakthrough for Elijah.
"Lucky your mate Dom was there when Peter was tearing his hair out," Billy told Elijah. "Dom suggested you and Liv backed him up. Now you get to work closely with Dom, he's doing all the recording for Gollum."
"Oh shit," was all Elijah could say.
Dom lived up to all of Elijah's expectations, in terms of being a complete nutcase. Dom dragged Elijah to mountain tops and down mine shafts to record white noise with different ambiences. Dom made Elijah breathe loudly into a microphone and never did tell Elijah what the sounds of Elijah panting and moaning and muttering darkly were for. Dom took Elijah to a music concert when someone opened and shut a piano lid and banged it chaotically and that was all. Dom mumbled, hotly and amorously to Elijah, that he was in love with the frequency of Elijah's heartbeat.
Elijah told Dom to go fucking beat off to someone else's heartbeat. Elijah didn't want Dom to shoot his cum all over Elijah's pulse points.
"Like trickling your pre-cum over my wrists, or splattering over my chest, or the places on my inner thighs where my main artery pulses, just fucking losing your load," Elijah was explicit in his prohibition.
Dom whipped his headphones off and stared at Elijah, mussy haired and his flipping out ear-tips vividly pink.
"Dumb-ass," Elijah sighed. "Just fucking take your pants off and squirt some lube in your asshole tonight, I'll meet you around ten, all right?"
To which Dom nodded so fast, his ears flapped.
When the live action sequence shooting concluded, Peter threw a big party at his farmstead. Liv brought her husband along to meet Elijah. Elijah and Dom arrived together, Elijah cursing Dom's parking skills hotly, Dom staring back with just as much heat in his eyes. Billy and Ian got drunk and started snogging. Viggo and Orlando snuck off together halfway through the main course, skipping off to desert.
And according to the rumour mill, that was the night Miranda the Producer fell pregnant to Sean the set cabinet-maker in Peter's rumpus room. A rumour spread about by Elijah and Dom at their wedding, who said they were underneath the pool table, and taped the whole thing. Nevermind what they were doing there.
The end.
Author: Rosemending rosemending@hotmail.com
Website: http://www.twib.oscillating.net
Pairing: Domlijah and various and sundry
Rating: R for language
Category: Humour, AU
Summary: Elijah is a personal assistant working on the set of Lord of the Rings.
Disclaimer: Although I have never met him, am sure Elijah would never do that to Liv's coffee, or the other things which are fictional in this fic.
Liv's new assistant on Lord of the Rings was a fresh faced American boy, with big eyes that said "Am young, please don't hurt me," and a sweet smile that said "Am sensitive, I'll love you forever if you'll be nice to me."
But Elijah the personal assistant's mouth sang a different tune. "You fuck up your wig one more time, I'll shit in your coffee!"
The language was shocking. But Liv put up with it because Elijah was attentive to her costumes and quick with an umbrella, and when guys hassle her on nights out, Elijah would get in their face and wave his fists and send them running away (clutching their stomachs so they don't throw up for laughing).
There was a rumour going around that a member of the crew was obsessed with Liv. A creepy German-Manchester guy, called Dominic, who worked on Sound. Elijah told Liv that he overheard some Effects guys talk about Dominic, that Dominic had tapes of Liv's dialogue which he played over and over again in his bedroom late at night.
Liv thought it was kind of sweet, in a scary way. When Dominic showed up at Liv's make-up trailer early one morning, Elijah was ready for him.
"Keep your hands off her, jerk-off," Elijah greeted him at the door.
Dominic was shorter and younger than Elijah imagined him. He had a big nose and a crooked jaw and crinkly eyes when he smiled ingratiatingly. He wasn't half as menacing as the Effects guys made him out to be. Dominic had enormous Dumbo ears, over which he wore a pair of yellow Sony ear-muffs, from which weird noises leaked out.
"Peter said I can get an autograph," Dominic pushed past Elijah. "Hiya, Liv, Jesus am your biggest fan."
"Don't you swear in front of her, you dickwad," Elijah snarled. "You want me to fucking kick his ass, Liv?"
Liv, grimacing, shook her head.
Dominic scratched his goatee as he watched, enthralled, as Liv signed a couple of her dad's CDs for him, a production poster of Arwen and a pair of Elf ears.
"Are you going to sell those off e-bay?" Liv asked, pointing at the ears.
"No, no," Dominic re-assured her. "I'm making them into ear-rings. And I'm going to have my ears pierced and then I'm going to wear the Elf ears as ear-rings and it's going to be very ironic, very avant-garde."
Liv flitted her eyes at Elijah. Elijah mouthed "Super freak" back at her.
As soon as Liv's pen stopped moving, Elijah rushed up to usher Dominic out the door. But Dominic wasn't budging. Dominic looked with star struck awe at Liv.
"Just one more thing," Dominic said, his eyes gleaming small and brightly in his face. "Can I kiss your hand, like a lady?"
"You're out of your fucking mind," Elijah pulled on Dominic's shirt.
"Oh, I don't mind," Liv offered her hand and Dominic sunk his head down and kissed it, lingeringly.
Liv giggled, as fuming, Elijah dragged Dominic away.
Elijah couldn't believe that asshole, Dominic asked Elijah to call him Dom. Dom was a shithead and Dom had had the bloody guts to slip Elijah his number. Elijah tossed Dom's number in the trash, it was fucking obvious Dom just wanted to use Elijah to kiss up to Liv.
In a rage, Elijah went to tell his friends about this Dom. Orlando was slaughtering Orcs when Elijah arrived at the Stunt team's training area. Orlando was a body double for Legolas. The actors who played Legolas and Aragorn were observing.
Elijah waited until the Stunt Choreographer called for a break and went up to Orlando.
"Give me one of those sick puppies," Elijah grabbed a prop knife, a wicked white bone handled weapon used by Legolas. "I know just the place to stick it, three inches behind the balls of that wanker Dom."
"He's not that bad," Orlando carefully took the knife off Elijah's hands. "He came to record some sword swishing and armour banging the other day. We got to talking, he's obsessed with noise."
"And Liv," Elijah reminded Orlando. "Sick pervert."
"That he is," Orlando nodded. "He's not sniffing after Liv though, he worships her."
"I don't fucking believe you," Elijah shook his head fiercely. "He's hanging around our trailer day and night like a shitty smell."
"Oh that," Orlando waved his hand. "That's because he likes you."
"No goddamnfucking way," Elijah hissed, eyes wide.
"He's not interested in Liv that way, he's bent like anything," Orlando whispered. "He's really fascinated with you, he said you were 'a modernist combination of the butcher and the doll'."
"Fucking asshole," Elijah said, contemplatively.
Orlando couldn't talk more after that, because the actor who played Aragron came over. Viggo was artistic and handsome and open minded, Viggo was particularly keen on Orlando's archery and sticky English accent and clever hands and the shapely way Orlando wore Legolas' leggings. Orlando was just as taken with Viggo and Elijah left them to discuss a fishing (fucking) camping trip (his ass).
Billy, known affectionately as 'Dwarf Impersonator', came running in Elijah's direction, "Where've you been? All hell's broken loose and Liv's been looking everywhere for you."
Billy earned his living on his knees. Just a bit on the short side of being average sized, Billy was a Hobbit stand-in. It was all to do with the scales and blue screens and the unfortunate way in which Billy, on his knees, was just proportionate in height to Ian McKellen's crotch as a Hobbit ought to be. The nature of Billy's work relationship with Ian was a cause for much hilarity and gossip among the cast and crew.
Billy, green eyed, Scottish and good humoured took the jabs with good grace and sometimes, if it was Orlando who teased him, Billy gave back as good as he got. Until Orlando's neck would redden at the various ways Billy suggested he polish Viggo's crown.
"The voice artist for Gollum took a chill in that river frolicking scene and kept pushing on, now he's got pneumonia. Peter says he's not going to be able to work for two months," Billy explained. "And guess who Peter wants to do some screeches and jibbering to queue the actors?"
"No fucking way," Elijah was breathless with pleasure.
"Yes, its you mate, congratulations!" Billy clapped Elijah on the back. "They'll edit you out of the soundtrack once the actor recovers of course, but you're going to interact with the cast during shooting. That's almost as good as a speaking part."
Elijah was so happy. It was his secret wish to become an actor, he'd not gotten very far, until now, but Elijah was okay with that, he was young, he had plenty of time. This was quite the breakthrough for Elijah.
"Lucky your mate Dom was there when Peter was tearing his hair out," Billy told Elijah. "Dom suggested you and Liv backed him up. Now you get to work closely with Dom, he's doing all the recording for Gollum."
"Oh shit," was all Elijah could say.
Dom lived up to all of Elijah's expectations, in terms of being a complete nutcase. Dom dragged Elijah to mountain tops and down mine shafts to record white noise with different ambiences. Dom made Elijah breathe loudly into a microphone and never did tell Elijah what the sounds of Elijah panting and moaning and muttering darkly were for. Dom took Elijah to a music concert when someone opened and shut a piano lid and banged it chaotically and that was all. Dom mumbled, hotly and amorously to Elijah, that he was in love with the frequency of Elijah's heartbeat.
Elijah told Dom to go fucking beat off to someone else's heartbeat. Elijah didn't want Dom to shoot his cum all over Elijah's pulse points.
"Like trickling your pre-cum over my wrists, or splattering over my chest, or the places on my inner thighs where my main artery pulses, just fucking losing your load," Elijah was explicit in his prohibition.
Dom whipped his headphones off and stared at Elijah, mussy haired and his flipping out ear-tips vividly pink.
"Dumb-ass," Elijah sighed. "Just fucking take your pants off and squirt some lube in your asshole tonight, I'll meet you around ten, all right?"
To which Dom nodded so fast, his ears flapped.
When the live action sequence shooting concluded, Peter threw a big party at his farmstead. Liv brought her husband along to meet Elijah. Elijah and Dom arrived together, Elijah cursing Dom's parking skills hotly, Dom staring back with just as much heat in his eyes. Billy and Ian got drunk and started snogging. Viggo and Orlando snuck off together halfway through the main course, skipping off to desert.
And according to the rumour mill, that was the night Miranda the Producer fell pregnant to Sean the set cabinet-maker in Peter's rumpus room. A rumour spread about by Elijah and Dom at their wedding, who said they were underneath the pool table, and taped the whole thing. Nevermind what they were doing there.
The end.
no subject
I particularly like the idea of Dom being a sound engineer.. I think he could do it. Maybe in a movie... I don't know... he just looks like one.
excellent.
Oh, the wit!
Chrissy.