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fellowshippers2004-09-30 11:30 am
ex-salwood.livejournal.com) wrote in fellowshippers2004-09-30 11:30 am
World Trip - Chapter 35
Title: World Trip 35/?
Author/Email: Salogel (salogel42@hotmail.com)
Pairing: Dom/Elijah
Rating: 15
Summary: Elijah is in hospital.
WARNING: angst
Feedback: Yes please
Archive:Hobbit Haven
Disclaimer: None of this happened or will ever happen. It is all made up in my overactive mind.
Note: Any flashbacks are written as they happened, and not necessarily as a point of view.
Previous chapters can be found here.
Thank Yous to: to Jesslotr for my wonderful icon! And Ru for being a fantastic beta!
Additional Note: Elijah's letter can be found in this chapter.
World Trip
Chapter 35 – The Hospital - Townsville
Fifteen hours… fifteen hours had past since Elijah was stung, and Dominic had only been allowed to see him once. He had travelled with him in the ambulance, listening to those awful screams, watching the medical team strap him down while attempting to inject anti-venom into his writhing body. It had been a scene from hell…
Dominic pressed his forehead against the cold glass of the waiting room window as he remembered those long frantic minutes on the journey to the hospital. He looked outside and watched dawn slowly break the back of night, and it had been a long night, filled with anguish and fear. It had seemed like hours before they let him see Elijah, and what he saw almost broke him.
They told him that Elijah was on a ventilator as a preventative measure. If all went well he would be off it in a few hours, but the sting was severe and complications could often occur from such an attack. They had to wait and see.
Wait and see… So they had allowed Dominic just five minutes, and he couldn’t even hold Elijah’s hand. All he could do was look at him, lying there unconscious, with a tube down his throat, his beautiful Elijah, at the mercy of a machine, with wires attached to him and people he didn’t know prodding him, and injecting him and withdrawing blood from him.
He wanted to tell them all to fuck off and leave him alone… leave his baby alone… can’t they see he’s been through enough? Then Dominic was asked to leave, escorted out of the room by a masked nurse.
Elijah was lying there, in that room, alone, and all Dominic wanted to do was be with him.
“Mr Monaghan…?”
Dominic looked out at the view, totally unaware of the voice behind him. His mind was back on the beach, he was racing towards Elijah… but he had been too late. Too fucking late!
“Mr Monaghan…?” The voice was a little louder, and Dominic felt a hand touch his shoulder.
He turned round, and saw one of the nurses standing opposite him, and his heart filled with dread.
But the nurse smiled at him. “There is someone wanting to see you,” she said.
“Lij…Elijah…?” Dominic stammered: his eyes filled up immediately.
The nurse nodded. “Come with me…”
Dominic followed the nurse along the white corridors, his mind was whirling, and he was crying - his emotions were all over the place.
The nurse stopped by a door… Elijah had been moved into a different room. That had to be good news, didn’t it? Dominic looked at the nurse, and then slowly grinned at her. Elijah was in there, and he was awake!!
She smiled back at him. “He is still extremely sleepy…” she warned him. “But very insistent that he sees you.”
Dominic nodded, and wiped his eyes furiously, in a desperate attempt to get hold of himself.
“Ok…” the nurse opened the door and Dominic stepped inside.
He was by Elijah’s side in an instant, taking hold of his uninjured hand, being careful not to dislodge the IV needle that was embedded in it.
“Baby… Lijah…?”
“Hi…” Elijah’s voice was quiet, but hoarse.
“Oh… Lijah…” Dominic leant over Elijah and kissed him on the forehead. “God… it’s so good to see you… they kept me away… I didn’t know what was happening…” Dominic felt himself welling up again. “God… I love you.” Dominic kissed Elijah again, but this time on the mouth, very lightly, and he noticed how dry and bruised Elijah’s lips were.
Elijah smiled at him. He couldn’t see Dominic clearly, but it was so good to know he was there. “I love you too, Dom,” he whispered, finding it quite difficult to speak.
Elijah tried to move himself into a sitting position, but groaned at the effort, and before Dominic knew it, a nurse, who he had been totally unaware of, sitting at the back of the room, appeared, and adjusted Elijah’s bed.
Dominic smiled at her, and then returned his full attention to Elijah. “How are you feeling, Lij? Christ, that’s a stupid question, I know… God, you scared me… you really scared me… I…thought… I thought…”
Elijah slowly raised his arm, which felt like a dead weight and placed a finger awkwardly over Dominic’s mouth. “I’m… ok…” he whispered.
“You are?” Dominic was so desperate to believe that.
Elijah nodded, but winced as he did so, and Dominic knew that he was in a lot of pain. But he was alive… his Elijah was alive… and he would never be able to thank God enough for that.
Elijah then began to cough repeatedly and had to close his eyes. He looked so drawn, and Dominic could see that he was utterly exhausted.
“Do you want a drink, Lij?” Dominic looked around for some water. He guessed that Elijah’s throat would be raw from the ventilator – and all that screaming.
Jesus… the screaming…. Dominic swallowed hard, as he tried to push those sounds away… Please don’t let Elijah remember the screaming… the pain…
“Please…” Elijah coughed again… his voice was raspy and grating.
“Just a little water, Elijah,” the nurse piped up in the background.
Dominic helped Elijah take a few sips from the plastic cup. To Elijah it tasted like nectar as the cold fluid slipped down his burning throat. Then he rested his head back on the pillow.
Dominic re-took hold of his hand… his eyes travelled the length of Elijah’s body, naked under the blankets. The bulk around his left leg was obviously dressings and padding. Dominic wondered what the stinger wound looked like. The lifeguard had told him that there were over three million stinging cells in every centimetre of jellyfish tentacle. To be stung by a box jellyfish was like having thousands of syringes injecting venom into the skin. No wonder their victims screamed in sheer agony… and it was a thought that Dominic found very hard to let go.
Seeing Elijah in so much pain and not being able to do anything to help him. The feeling of helplessness that overcame him, when he had vowed to himself, that after Hasad’s vicious attack, he would never let anything or anyone hurt Elijah again. He had failed miserably in every respect. He had almost lost Elijah… the most important and precious thing ever to matter to him. And that thought was so hard to push to one side, because to lose Elijah would be the end… of everything.
“Ok…Dom?” Elijah very gently squeezed Dominic’s hand, bringing him back to the here and now.
Dominic looked at him tenderly, and ran his fingers down the side of Elijah’s face. He hadn’t lost him… thank God, he hadn’t lost him… “I’m ok, baby…” he whispered. “I’m ok.” God, I love you… I love you so much…
Elijah nodded and when he coughed again, Dominic helped him take another drink.
*
The beach was deserted. Dominic paid the taxi driver and then stood in the car park looking out at the calm flat sea. The sun was well above the horizon now, and the city of Townsville was beginning to wake. It was a new day… a day Dominic had not expected Elijah to see.
The red flags were still billowing in the gentle breeze. No one else would fall victim on this beach. A creature no bigger than your hand, a silent menace under the surface… they were out there… and to look at the serene scene, it looked so peaceful, so beautiful, when in fact it was deadly.
Dominic turned to the motor home, the only vehicle sitting in the car park. It had a sticker attacked to the windscreen. He removed the sticker and opened it along the perforated edge. It was a parking fine…
He looked at it incredulously. His lover was lying in a hospital, lucky to be alive, and he had been fucking fined for keeping his vehicle in the car park overnight?
“Wankers!” Dominic muttered under his breath, tearing up the ticket and letting the pieces of paper flutter to the ground. “Fucking wankers…”
Within twenty minutes he was parked in the hospital car park. He debated having a cold shower before returning to Elijah, but he wanted to get back to him right away. He wasn’t sure how long Elijah would be staying in there. It may be that he would have to book into a motel nearby. How long did it take to recover from these stings?
Elijah was asleep on his return, and Dominic frowned… a machine, another form of monitor was now attached to him, which had not been there before. He looked at the nurse for answers.
“We are a little concerned with his breathing…”
“His breathing?” Dominic looked at Elijah’s sleeping form; he could feel panic beginning to build again.
“But… you… … you said he was alright?” he stammered. “You took him off the machine.”
“We’re just monitoring him Mr Monaghan, that is all.”
“Monitoring….?” Dominic fought down tears.
The nurse nodded. “You are welcome to sit by him.”
Dominic took his seat once again beside Elijah; he glanced at the new wires attached to his chest.
Why are they there? They shouldn’t fucking be there… Elijah is getting better…
*
Voices… far away voices… noises… becoming louder… Dominic snapped awake. It took a few seconds for him to realise where he was… There was a doctor leaning over Elijah… listening to his chest… and talking, all this medical jargon – like a foreign language - to a nurse standing beside him.
Elijah was awake, and was staring right at Dominic… more nursing staff entered the room…. What was going on?
“Doctor…?” Dominic tried to get the doctor’s attention.
The doctor was busy injecting something into Elijah…
“Doctor…?” Dominic stood up. “What’s going on, what’s happening?”
The doctor briefly glanced up at Dominic. “Can someone escort Mr Monaghan out of the room?” His voice asked no one in particular as he returned his attention to Elijah.
“Elijah…?” Dominic looked down at his lover. He looked white, deathly white and Dominic could see that his lips were tinged with blue. It was then that Dominic could hear Elijah’s breathing, ragged breaths, every single one seemed to be a struggle.
“Lijah…? Lij…?” Dominic took hold of Elijah’s hand. It was cold.
“Mr Monaghan…. Please leave!” The Doctor’s voice was sharp as he placed an oxygen mask over Elijah’s face.
A nurse quickly took Dominic’s arm, but he refused to move. “Lijah…?”
Elijah just looked up at Dominic’s stricken face. He couldn’t speak to him, but the tears that leaked from his eyes told Dominic everything.
“Lijah…? No…!”
“Mr Monaghan… Dominic… you have to leave…” Another nurse took hold of Dominic’s other arm, and tugged him hard releasing his grip on Elijah’s hand.
“What’s happening? What’s fucking happening?” Dominic’s voice cracked as he resisted.
“The doctor will speak to you outside, Dominic. You really must leave…”
Leave… no… I need to stay… can’t you see that? I need to stay… Elijah needs me…
HE FUCKING NEEDS ME!
A sharp rise in voices, and a clanging sound of medical instruments hitting the floor. Dominic twisted in the nurses’ grip as they finally got him through the doorway. Through all the commotion and activity that had increased around Elijah’s bed… all Dominic heard were two words…
“He’s arrested…!”
Then the door closed behind Dominic, and he felt his world crash in.
***
“Adult Respiratory Distress Syndrome.”
Dominic ran the doctor’s words over and over again through his exhausted mind.
“The mortality rate is high. On average between 40-60 percent of patients die from ARDS.”
“But Elijah is young and strong… there is hope…”
“Hope…” Dominic whispered the word out loud. He shook his head. “Fucking hope? What hope…?” He stood up quickly, scraping his chair backwards knocking it flying across the waiting room floor. “There isn’t any fucking hope!”
Other relatives, sitting quietly lost in their own grief looked up sharply at Dominic. He had been sitting there on his own muttering to himself for hours. This sudden outburst shattered the silence in the room.
Dominic stared at them. What the fuck are they looking at? Don’t they know Elijah’s dying!!!! What are they looking at!! Fuck off all of you! Fuck off!
Eyes diverted from Dominic back to magazines in hands. But Dominic just remained there staring… his eyes were wide, bloodshot from lack of sleep. He was still wearing the same clothes he had on when he arrived at the hospital with Elijah five days ago.
And for four days now Elijah’s life hung in the balance… how many hours was that? Fucking minutes? And when was his next scheduled visit? They wouldn’t let him stay. In, and then before he knew it…he had to leave again. He wanted to stay. Be beside Elijah, talk to him… let him know he was there… but he was always asked to leave.
“Why can’t I stay?” Dominic’s voice was loud. “You stay longer…” Dominic pointed accusingly at an elderly man, who looked up at him, his features pale and drawn.
“You get more time than me... you do.” Then Dominic’s voice suddenly lost its angry edge as he looked down at the man he had singled out.
He turned his back on the man and picked up his chair and sat down, heavily and wearily… “Why don’t they give me more time?” He began speaking to himself again. “I need to be with him, with my Elijah, but they won’t let me stay… they won’t… and I need him… I need him… … …”
*
Dominic shrugged on the obligatory gown before entering the room where Elijah was being kept alive. Elijah looked small, and lost – surrounded by machines. He had not opened his eyes for four days, and every time that Dominic was allowed his precious ten minutes with him he willed Elijah to open them, and look at him for just one second. But that didn’t happen. Elijah was heavily sedated, and would remain that way while the ventilator did its job… it wasn’t Elijah’s breathing that he could hear; it was the machine.
Dominic stood by Elijah’s side, and held his hand… it was warm… so warm - alive warm.
Squeeze my hand, Lijah. Tell me you know I’m here… just once… just once, baby… one little squeeze… you can do it…you can… I know you can…
Dominic looked at Elijah’s face, so pale and fragile. A tube was in his mouth, taped down, pulling those beautiful lips apart in an unnatural way. A smaller tube was in his nose, also taped down…
Dominic swallowed hard… and he began to cry again. Silent tears…
Machines… wire… tubes… blips… noises…… too many noises…mechanical noises…
“Where are you, Lijah?” Dominic whispered… He let his fingers run through Elijah’s hair where it spread out on the pillow. It felt silky to the touch. “Where are you? … I miss you so much…baby…” Dominic let Elijah’s hair curl around his fingers. “Please… come back to me… … please come back… I need you…”
Dominic had to press his hand to his mouth to stop himself from sobbing out loud. He missed Elijah so much… and he couldn’t bear seeing him like this… not like this… this wasn’t Elijah…
I want you back… I want you back, Lij… Dominic felt his body begin to sway a little and he gripped the side of the bed to steady himself. Then he heard the door open behind him, and knew it was time to leave.
But he didn’t go. He looked over his shoulder at the ICU nurse and then back at Elijah. He held his hand again… tightly…
“Wake up… Lijah… wake up…” Dominic whispered his plea; his was voice thick and barely audible. “I need you so much… baby…you know I do… please don’t leave me… … don’t you leave me… ” Dominic stared at Elijah through a blur of tears, and then frowned as he saw Elijah beginning to disappear into a dark tunnel.
The nurse ran over to Dominic as he sank to the floor.
*
“When was the last time you ate anything, Mr Monaghan?”
Dominic stared at the nurse sitting opposite him as if she were from another planet.
“Dominic?”
Dominic shook his head.
“And slept?”
Dominic just stared at her.
The nurse offered him a glass of water. Dominic sat up, closed his eyes to fight off another swoon and bout of nausea, and then he drank the water down in one go. They were sitting in a small room, devoid of anything except a bed and a chair. The nurse looked at him.
“Dominic…” The nurse knew she would have to choose her words carefully. She had been watching Dominic since Elijah was admitted into her intensive care ward, four days ago. Watching him, observing him, and learning about him. He was a complex character, of that she was in no doubt, and she had dealt with many relatives who had been in the same position as him before. But everyone was different and had to be approached carefully and considerately, and on this occasion, cautiously too.
“Dominic,” she repeated. “I’m sure Elijah wouldn’t want you to end up as a patient here as well.”
Dominic looked at her blankly.
She smiled at him. “You have been through a tough ordeal…”
“When can I see him again?” Dominic interrupted her.
“Dominic… I’m here for you, as well as Elijah. Your health is just as important as his. When Elijah comes through this, he is going to need your help, and if you’re sick, then you’re not going to be much good, are you?”
“When?” Dominic shook his head. “When Elijah comes through this?” He repeated the words slowly. “You mean, if… don’t you?” Dominic looked down at the empty glass in his hands; he was on the verge of tears again. “The doctor told me six out of ten people die from this… this thing Elijah has… Six people… six…” He wiped his eyes… and then looked at the nurse. “Elijah is going to die…and… and…” then he began to weep silently.
The nurse removed the glass and placed it on the floor. She took hold of Dominic’s hands. She could see he was absolutely exhausted, both mentally and physically. She tried to sound reassuring as she spoke to him.
“And four out of every ten patients survive. I know you can’t see it, Dominic… not right now, but you have to be positive. Elijah is very sick… yes… but he’s receiving the very best care. But right now, this is about you… you have to look after yourself. The human body can’t function without sleep or food, or drink. Where are you staying?”
Dominic blinked hard, his eyes were sore, scratchy and he felt so tired. He looked directly at this woman who was attempting some form of communication with him.
She raised her eyebrows and asked him again. “Dominic… where are you staying? Every time I come on duty, it seems you are here.”
“… nowhere…I… I can’t leave him. I have… to be here…”
“You can leave him. You have to get some rest. I’ll get you the address of the nearest guesthouse… We’ll have its phone number and will call you if there is any change in Elijah, any change at all.”
Dominic shook his head… “No… you don’t understand. I have to be with him… I can’t go… I can’t…”
“So you want to end up as a patient too?” The nurse stood up. “Because that’s what will happen… and what good will that do? Elijah is going to need you more than ever… and you are going to have to be strong for him, Dominic. Now…” She offered her hand to Dominic.
Dominic stared at it for a moment before taking it, and then was helped off the bed. He felt extremely shaky and light headed and deep down he knew the nurse was right.
Dominic looked at her name badge. Staff Nurse Lynne James. He had seen a lot of her during his time here, even spoken to her, but he had never really acknowledged her. He hadn’t acknowledged anyone; his mind had been focused on Elijah and no one else. No one else mattered to him.
“Would you like someone to accompany you, to help you book in?” Lynne asked. “I can arrange that.”
“No… no…” Dominic shook his head as he looked at the piece of paper with the guesthouse address written on it. He stared at the writing, it was blurry – his tired eyes had trouble focusing.
“It’s within walking distance…” Lynne reassured him. “Dominic… you need some rest.”
Dominic looked at her and then at his watch. He had forty minutes before he could see Elijah again.
“I mean it,” she repeated. “Rest…”
*
Dominic returned to the waiting room to pick up his bag. The same people were in there. They looked up at him as he walked in.
“Any change?” The old man that Dominic had shouted at earlier asked.
Dominic stared at him, wondering why he had chosen to speak to him, now … why now?
Dominic had kept to himself… kept away from the others… he didn’t want to acknowledge that the pain he could see in their eyes was mirrored in his own. He didn’t want to see their looks of despair, because they looked wretched and devoid of all hope.
Hope… there was that word again… that special word… that word, which summed Elijah up… summed up what Elijah meant to him. Hope… Elijah was his hope…
‘Hope’… he’d looked it up once… wanting to find the true meaning of the word… a person or thing that one is depending on for something.
He depended on Elijah so much. He depended on him for everything… his very existence depended on Elijah’s love for him, for he loved Elijah unequivocally.
The old man looked away. “They’ve asked me to turn off her machine,” he whispered.
Dominic couldn’t answer… how was he supposed to answer that? Turn off the machine? What the fuck does that mean?
“Mo has gone.” The old man spoke quietly to no one in particular. “She’s gone…”
*
Dominic slowly made his way out of the hotel to the car park. The motor home was a machine, wasn’t it? Switch it on and it roars into life, switch it off and it dies.
What if they want to switch off Elijah’s machine? Dominic felt a wave of terror grip him. He stumbled on the tarmac and had to brace himself against the vehicle nearest to him. An alarm was triggered by his actions, but Dominic didn’t heed it.
Machines…Dominic stumbled on…
He wouldn’t switch Elijah’s machine off. He would never let Elijah go… he couldn’t… not ever… never… it would never be an option… Elijah was his life… his life…
Dominic stood by the driver’s door of the motor home. Elijah had done most of the driving. He had loved it, being in control of this large machine.
Machine… one flick of a switch… on… then another flick, and it’s over… finished… gone forever…
Gone forever!
Dominic wanted to run back to the hospital… what if they turned off Elijah’s machine while he wasn’t there? He felt panic begin to overwhelm him. They wouldn’t do that. Would they? Could they?
God……Elijah!
*
The role of Staff Nurse on the Pulmary Intensive Care Ward involved more than looking after the patient’s needs, which were many and complex.
Compassion and understanding were high on the agenda when it came to dealing with the relatives of those patients who more often than not, did not survive. It was an emotionally demanding job, with very few rewards… and it was at times like this that the partner’s needs almost eclipsed the patient’s needs.
Staff Nurse Lynne James watched Dominic leave the hospital from the staff room window. She could see that he was beyond exhaustion, and she wondered if he was indeed fit to drive the short journey to the guesthouse address that she had given him.
She was on duty when Elijah was transferred into her intensive care ward. He had gone into respiratory distress quite rapidly… and while the medical team had treated him, she had a distraught man to deal with.
Dominic kept on insisting he was Elijah’s next of kin when asked, not answering her questions properly and it became very apparent to Lynne that they were partners.
“Mr Monaghan… we need to contact Elijah’s next of kin… his mother? His father? Can you give us the details?”
“We’re together… we’re together.” that’s all Dominic would say. And… “Please don’t let him die… don’t let my Lijah die.”
So the next of kin details stayed blank, until finally a day later, one of the senior doctors insisted on a name. And Dominic had looked at him blankly… trying to remember. It was his time to see Elijah… couldn’t they wait until afterwards?
“Mr Monaghan… we really need to contact Elijah’s family. They should be here…. They need to be here… “
Why couldn’t he remember? Dominic looked at the doctor. Elijah’s mum needs to be here?
“Elijah’s going to die, isn’t he?” Dominic’s question scared him to death as he asked the doctor. Panic gripped him like a vice. “You need Elijah’s family here because he’s going to die.”
Then Dominic became incapable of speaking anymore. He’d missed his allocated time slot with Elijah, and became agitated and distressed and it took Lynne and the doctor a great deal of time using gentle coaxing and persuasion to finally get Deborah’s name and telephone number out of him. And when Lynne called Elijah’s mother, as much as she hated doing it, she had to leave a message on her answer phone.
Lynne continued to watch Dominic’s slow progress towards his motor home. She saw him enter it, and then was called away from her break. When she returned she sighed with relief, the motor home had gone. Dominic had taken his first small step forward…
*
Dominic applied the handbrake, and stared out the window. He couldn’t remember how he got there. How long did it take? How far away was the hospital? What time was it? He looked at his watch, the clock face blurred out of focus. Jesus Christ he was so tired! Twenty minutes? < I>Twenty minutes until his turn to see Elijah. Fuck!!
Dominic opened the door and half fell out. Got to book in… where? Got to get their stuff out of the van…then drive back to him… not enough fucking time! Fucking nurses… fucking doctors…why did he listen to them?… he needed to be with Elijah, not here… away from him…where was the hospital?… how much time now?…which way did he have to go?
Dominic looked around him wildly, everything seemed to be spinning… and he felt nauseous…
Can’t do this… they sent me away… they sent me away…Elijah’s going to die, and they sent me away… Dominic began sobbing in his confusion as he tried to put the key in the lock of door at the side of the motor home. The key didn’t fit… and he was wasting time! He needed to drive back - right now… or he’ll miss his slot. Slot… why don’t they let me stay… by Elijah’s side… all the time…?
“God… Lij…” Dominic wrestled with the stubborn key, which always worked perfectly up until now. “I miss you…” Then the door suddenly opened, and caught Dominic a glancing blow to his forehead. He staggered backwards, seeing stars.
“Jesus…” he rubbed where the door had caught him. … he shook his head and it hurt… he had a headache… he could feel his stomach twisting and churning… but he ignored it and clambered into the motor home bashing his shin on the step as he did so.
The motor home was rocking, and he wished it would keep still… book in, then get back to Lijah… Why have I come in here? Stuff… our stuff… book in… then drive back…
Dominic yanked open the wardrobe door where their suitcases were stored along with some of their clothes which were half hung up and half slung in, ‘to be sorted later’.
Elijah’s stuff… he stared at it. His shirts, his jeans… …
Spinning… everything was spinning and Dominic knew he was going to be sick… he managed to reach the small kitchen sink before throwing up, and he retched into it, over and over again…
When his stomach finally calmed down, he sat down on the seat, and placed his head in his hands. He felt terrible… and he was going to miss his time with Elijah, he wouldn’t be there for him, he was letting him down yet again… he was always letting him down. Why did I fucking leave the hospital?
“Why did you send me away?” He yelled into the silence of the van, his voice echoed back at him, and then he turned to rest his elbows on the table. His eyes fell on Elijah’s bracelet… Elijah’s bracelet of hope… his broken bracelet of hope… it was in the exact position as Dominic had left it when he took it off Elijah’s wrist five days ago.
Dominic stared at it… his heart hammered in his chest, and his head pounded. He slowly picked up the delicate article and held it in his hands.
“Oh... Lijah…” he whispered. His fingers touched the ends of the frayed pewter threads. “I’m sorry… I’m so sorry…” Images of Elijah’s face came flashing back to him. Elijah had not wanted to take the bracelet off, and he had made him… he had made him do it…and look what had happened.
‘I don’t want it to break. You gave it to me…’ Elijah’s voice had been quiet, and he had been so obviously upset, and what was his solution to it all?
“Let’s go fucking swimming…”
It was all his fault… everything… his fault that Elijah was now lying in hospital hooked up to a machine…He was useless… he was nothing but a burden to Elijah… he always has been, and he knew that. He could never do anything right by him… he was never there for him… he had let him down so many times in the past… but this time… this time… God this time he had really excelled himself…
“Oh… baby…” Dominic could feel hot tears streaming down his cheeks, as he continued to turn the bracelet over in his fingers. He remembered the sub zero temperatures he had endured to get this gift for Elijah… and he remembered Elijah’s words when he gave it to him on his birthday… when he had tied it on his wrist after making love in the hay.
‘I’ll never take this off…’ Elijah had said.
“I’ve killed you…” Dominic whispered out loud… and those very words made him choke on his own grief. “I’ve killed you… and I can’t face this, Lijah… I can’t face it…I can’t … …. I can’t…”
Dominic closed his eyes and laid his head down on his folded arms…I can’t do this… I love you… I love you so much, Elijah… I love you…I can’t do this without you…I can’t…can’t…
Although tears still leaked through his closed eyelids, sleep came down on him like a heavy blanket… and for the first time in five days… a form of peace came over Dominic, and for a few hours he was able to forget.
***
Ringing… a mobile phone… ringing… ringing…
“Are you going to get that?”
Dominic raised his head at the voice.
“Dom?”
“Lij?” Dominic’s head whipped round, all sense of tiredness left his body in an instant.
Elijah closed the motor home door behind him.
“Lijah…!” Dominic was on his feet… “Oh…God… Lijah.” He pulled Elijah into his arms, and held him tightly. “Lijah… Lijah…Oh my God…”
Elijah returned the embrace… slightly stunned.
“Oh… baby… thank God…thank God…” Dominic kissed Elijah on the mouth, on his forehead, on his neck… “Oh God…”
Elijah tried to pull away a little, but Dominic held him, and continued kissing him.
“Oh… Lijah… thank God! Thank God it was just a dream… just a dream…”
Elijah managed to squirm out of Dominic’s embrace… he just stood there looking at Dominic with a bemused look on his face. “A dream?”
Dominic nodded as his eyes swept over Elijah’s body. He took his left hand and looked at it, and let his fingers run over Elijah’s undamaged skin.
“Oh… Jesus, Lij… you’re ok… you’re ok. What about your leg?”
“My leg?” Elijah laughed. “What’s gotten into you, Dom?”
“God, Lij…” Dominic repeated again, and took hold of Elijah’s hands and looked into his face… he looked so happy, so alive… so fucking beautiful.
“God… come here…” Dominic pulled Elijah to him again, and their mouths met, and this time Elijah responded, warmly and passionately…
God I love you… I love you… Dominic weaved his hands through Elijah’s hair holding his head steady as his tongue delved into that wonderful exquisite mouth… I fucking love you… He closed his eyes as he lost himself in Elijah’s kiss…
Ringing… ringing… constant ringing…
“Aren’t you going to get that?”
Dominic opened his eyes… and saw nothing but darkness. He blinked hard.
“Elijah?” his voice sounded lonely and solitary as he called out. “Lijah?” He couldn’t figure out where Elijah had gone. “Lij…?”
The ringing continued… and the crushing realisation that Elijah was not there brought fresh tears to Dominic’s eyes. It had felt so real… Elijah was in his arms and he had felt so warm and alive … it was so fucking real.
Dominic began sobbing again, alone in the dark… it may have been a dream, but he was living a nightmare.
The ringing stopped… only to start again… and through the fog that clouded his tired mind, Dominic realised that it was Elijah’s phone. He groggily switched on the overhead light and picked up his bag, which contained Elijah’s belongings.
He looked at Elijah’s phone… its digital display was lit up… it was Sala calling.
Dominic stared at it before clicking the connect button.
“Hey, Lij… where’ve you been! Nine pm you said.”
Dominic’s mouth felt dry… “Sala…?” His voice was shaky and hardly audible.
“Err… Elijah?”
“Sala… Sala…this is Dom.”
“Heeey!!! Dominic! My man! How’re you doing? Where’s that boyfriend of yours?”
“Sala… Elijah’s sick… very sick…”
Silence on the other end of the phone.
“Umm… Sick?” Sala eventually repeated.
Dominic nodded, totally oblivious to that fact that Sala couldn’t see him.
“What do you mean sick, Dom? Are you still flying over?”
Dominic stared at his reflection in the motor home window, the darkness outside acted as a mirror. He looked drawn, and gaunt.
“Dom…?”
“No… ”
“Umm… right.”
“I need to get Elijah home, Sala.” Dominic stood up straight as he realised he had made his first decision since Elijah was rushed to hospital. He ran his fingers over the cold dark glass as he continued to speak. “We both need to go home…”
Sala went silent again.
“I’ll call, Sala. I’ll let you know how he’s doing.” Then Dominic hung up.
“I’m going to take you home… baby…” Dominic spoke to himself as he stared at his reflection. “We’re going home.”
*
“Mr Monaghan… yes… we have been expecting you… about four hours ago.” The guesthouse receptionist looked at Dominic’s weary face. She handed him a form to sign. “The hospital called us in advance to book you a room…”
Dominic didn’t say anything… all he wanted to do was dump their stuff, and get back to the hospital to see Elijah.
“And there is a message…”
“A message?” Dominic frowned.
“From the hospital… received it about two hours ago.”
Dominic snatched the envelope out of the girl’s hand and tore it open. It was from Staff Nurse James.
Dominic
Elijah is comfortable and stable.
We will contact you if there is any change.
Please get a good night’s sleep.
LJ
Dominic stared at the words… what was he expecting? That Elijah was awake and asking for him?
Yes… yes… that’s what he wanted to hear…more than anything…
“Your key.” The receptionist broke into his thoughts. “Breakfast is from six every morning.”
Dominic took the key without saying anything, and carried their suitcases up the single flight of stairs to his room. It was a fairly large room, with a double bed.
How many rooms had they stayed in over last year? He hadn’t been apart from Elijah once. It felt completely alien booking into a room without him… he would never sleep on his own… this was a fucking mad idea. What was wrong with staying at the hospital, for fucks sake?… at least he would be near Elijah. He didn’t want to be separated from him, not for a single fucking minute.
Maybe he could get Elijah into a private hospital? Somewhere where he could stay with him all the time, and not have limited access seeing him. Ten minutes every hour, what the fuck good was that? He needed to be with Elijah all the time…every second of every day.
Because… because… if… If Elijah… died…
Died…
“No!” Dominic threw the cases on the bed.
That’s not going to happen… it’s not… it’s not…
“It can’t…” Dominic sat heavily on the bed. His shoulders slumped forward in a weariness he had never felt before. He stared at the worn carpet on the floor.
“Please don’t take him,” he began to mutter. “Please God, don’t take him… I love him so much… if you take him away from me, then… then… I’ll die too…” Dominic’s words trailed off as he continued to stare at the floor. He rubbed his hands together, over and over and over again. I’ll die too…I can never be without him…
**
Dominic opened his eyes, and confusion bombarded him. He was curled up on the end of the bed, his head using a suitcase as a pillow. He didn’t recall falling asleep. He’d had no intention of falling asleep, and he was incredibly pissed off with himself for doing so.
“Shit…!” He sat up quickly and looked at his watch. It was six in the morning, and it was just beginning to get light outside.
“Shit!” What the fuck was he doing sleeping? He should be at the hospital. Fuck, what if something had happened to Elijah while he was asleep? Fuck, fuck, fuck…
He needed to phone them. No…he’d go there straight away… it wasn’t far… he’d drive, it would be quicker.
“Right…” Dominic stood up and as he did so he caught sight of himself in a full-length mirror. He looked like a tramp.
He studied his reflection… his clothes were wrinkled and grubby; he hadn’t washed or changed for six days. He barely recognised himself.
“Jesus…” he debated what to do. His need to see Elijah was all encompassing. He didn’t want to waste another minute in this room. He wanted to be by Elijah’s side, holding his hand.
“Shit!” Dominic tore his clothes off, and dumped them on the floor and went into the bathroom. The bright light in the room emphasised the grubby state he was in. He took one look at himself in the mirror, and then switched on the shower, and stepped into the hot stream of water. And it felt so fucking good.
Within ten minutes he was back in the bedroom, a white towel wrapped firmly around his waist.
He picked up his dirty jeans and rummaged in one of the pockets for the motor home keys, he pulled them out, along with Elijah’s bracelet.
He stared at the bracelet, water dripping off his wet hair as he did so. Then he opened his suitcase, and unzipped a small compartment and dropped the bracelet inside. It would be safe in there…
As he went to zip the compartment closed he spotted something white half hidden inside. He pulled it out.
It was his letter. The one had written to Elijah on the plane to South Africa almost three months ago. He had forgotten all about it. It had seemed such a good idea at the time, putting their thoughts down on paper.
Elijah’s letter was in there too, and he pulled it out and stared at the envelope.
Not to be opened until Christmas Day
… was scrawled across the front of the envelope in Dominic’s handwriting.
Elijah was inside this envelope… his thoughts, his memories… and Dominic needed Elijah… he needed him right now… this very second. Needed to hear his voice… hear his laughter… hear that giggle…
Dominic closed his eyes… I miss you so much…
When he opened them… he looked at the envelope again. Above his writing was Elijah’s writing.
To Dom
I love you, Elijah, forgive me… Dominic tore open the envelope and began to read.
As his eyes ran over Elijah’s handwriting, he couldn’t help but hear Elijah’s voice in his mind as he read the words.
He smiled inwardly at Elijah’s formality. He totally expected something like this, Elijah has never been over emotional, not like himself, and he wouldn’t be surprised if there were facts and figures somewhere in the letter…
But there weren’t. And as Dominic continued to read the tone of the letter changed.
……I want you to read my journal Dom.
……My journal will tell you everything, especially how much I love you.
Dominic had to pause, and swallow hard before reading on.
……And inside my journal will be another letter. I’m not going to write it now, but I will, at some point very soon. Just a short one, because New Zealand would have happened and I want to write in this other letter why I wanted to give you the gift that will be waiting for you at the end of September.
“Lijah…?” Dominic spoke softly, as tears blurred his vision. Gift…?
He wiped his eyes with the corner of the bath towel…
… …I never tell you enough just how much I love you, Dom. My journal says it all!
“Oh… Lij…” Dominic finished the letter, and folded the piece of paper up in his hand. “You always tell me… just you being with me tells me…”
He looked at the letter again. For a few minutes Elijah had been with him, in the same room… looking over his shoulder, reading the letter out loud.
But of course he was all alone. The person who meant the world to him, the man he loved more than life itself wasn’t with him, and would probably never be with him again.
All he had now were these words… these precious words…
The shrill ring of a telephone startled Dominic. A wave of panic swept over him as he frantically looked around the room to see where it was coming from.
We’ll call if there’s any change…
This was it… he knew it… this was the call that was going to end his life.
Dominic placed Elijah’s letter on the bedside cabinet, beside the telephone. He let it ring a few more times… then shakily and with a heart full of dread and devoid of all hope he picked up the receiver.
“Dominic?”
“Yes…” he whispered, as he recognised Lynne’s voice.
“Elijah is awake…”
*
Excited, and terrified… these emotions poured through Dominic as he fumbled, his fingers trembling with the hospital gown and cap. Once he was dressed appropriately he had to wait for Lynne’s ok to enter the room, and when he did, at first he thought that Elijah looked no different.
But he was different. The ventilator had gone, instead an oxygen mask was strapped to his face, and he was asleep.
Dominic looked at Lynne, and she nodded urging Dominic forward. She told him while he donned his gown, that during the night Elijah’s chest x-rays had shown enough improvement for them to slowly wean him off the ventilator.
Dominic had asked why they hadn’t called him, and Lynne had smiled. “You were sleeping,” she said. “And we wouldn’t have allowed you access while the withdrawal took place.”
Dominic stood by Elijah’s bedside. He took his hand, and his heart soared as he felt Elijah’s fingers close around his.
“Lijah…” he spoke quietly, not wanting to wake Elijah, but he was so desperate to see Elijah open his eyes. “Baby… it’s me Dom… I’m here.”
The room seemed quiet without the noise of the ventilator, although there were plenty of other noises going on around them.
“Lij…” Dominic leant over Elijah and very gently kissed him on the forehead. “I love you…” he whispered.
Dominic felt Elijah’s fingers move against his own, and as he pulled his head away from Elijah’s face, he could see that Elijah had opened his eyes.
“Lijah…?” Dominic smiled, tears filled his vision. “Hi… baby…”
Elijah gripped Dominic’s hand with all the strength he had, which was very little, but to Dominic it felt strong… so strong and alive... so very much alive.
“Oh… God… Lijah…” Dominic started crying and laughing at the same time… “God… Lijah… I’ve missed you… I’ve missed you…”
Elijah looked at Dominic through a misty veil of drugs, sleep and tears. Missed you too, Dommie.
“I’m getting you moved, Lij. Into a private room… “ Dominic spoke to Elijah, not sure if he could hear him properly or understand him at all. “As soon as you’re stable enough. They have them here in this hospital… then I can stay with you… I can be with you all the time, Lij. God… I can’t tell you how happy I am… I’ve been so worried… I’ve been going out of my mind….”
Dominic stopped… he knew he was beginning to ramble. “Oh… Lijah…Lijah…” He leant forward and kissed Elijah again. “Welcome back…baby… welcome back.”
***
Hope rekindled. Their future was now open to them again, and Dominic felt optimistic. Only twenty-four hours ago there was no future… life would have continued yes… but not for him. Not without Elijah.
Now he had to plan… for once… the planning was down to him. He had to organise their return home.
He was sitting in a small office waiting for Elijah’s doctor to see him. Elijah had been comfortably settled into one of the few private rooms on the ward. Dominic didn’t care how much it was going to cost, he had to be with Elijah. The past seven days had all but wiped him out, and he just couldn’t bear the separation. The nights would be difficult alone in the guesthouse, but he could be with Elijah all day, every day, until he was well enough to leave.
Leave the hospital… and go home.
“Mr Monaghan…” The doctor finally arrived and took a seat opposite Dominic. He tapped a pen on the table between them for a few moments before speaking.
“Elijah is still very sick, he has a long road ahead of him. Coming of the ventilator was one very small step…”
“When will he be well enough to fly?”
“Fly?” the doctor was taken back by this question.
“We need to get home… back to LA.”
The doctor shook his head. “Elijah can’t fly… not for a while. And, as I have said before, Mr Monaghan - Dominic… Elijah is still very sick. Extremely sick… he has taken his first small step to recovery… but the damage to his lungs can….”
“But he’s getting better. He’s off the machine.” Dominic interrupted. He didn’t want to hear that Elijah was still ‘very sick’.
The doctor scratched his head. “I know how difficult this is for you… patients with ARDS have a long battle… there are many complications ahead. Many set backs.”
“What set backs?” Dominic could feel that heavy weight pressing down on him again. “He’s off the machine… Elijah’s off the machine…he’s getting better…”
*
Dominic stood to one side as Lynne drew the sheet off Elijah’s naked body. He said he wanted to stay and observe … Elijah’s wounds were part of Elijah now… and he was going to have to get used to seeing them… But what he saw verged on horrific, and Dominic felt his knees buckle and he had to sit down.
Elijah’s wounds were open and weeping, even after all this time. It was only now that Dominic grasped… really grasped … the horrifying ordeal that Elijah had gone through when he was stung. He made his way quickly into the small adjoining bathroom, and in there he silently wept.
A gentle knock on the door. Dominic wiped his eyes, before opening it.
“He’s all settled.” Lynne looked at him sympathetically. “The wounds will heal, Dominic, be sure of that. He’s awake. I’m sure he would like to see you.”
Dominic nodded. He turned to the sink and splashed cold water over his face, and took in a deep breath, and then he went to join Elijah.
“Hi… baby. Like your new room?” Dominic took a seat and held Elijah’s hand.
Elijah nodded.
Dominic looked at the new dressings that covered Elijah’s injured arm. “Does it hurt?”
Elijah shook his head.
Thank God… Dominic knew that Elijah’s pain was being kept under control by drugs being fed into his body. He hated to think of him in any more pain.
Elijah pulled his hand free from Dominic’s grasp, and lowered his oxygen mask.
“I’ve missed you, Dom,” he whispered.
“Hey…” Dominic grinned… those were the first words Elijah had said to him in almost a week. “Not as much as I’ve missed you.” Never as much…
“Are you doing, ok?” Elijah managed to ask before replacing the mask. It was exhausting to talk. He took a deep breath before speaking again. “I’m worried about you, Dommie….”
“About me?” Dominic suddenly felt choked. “My God, Lij… don’t you worry about me… I’m ok… it’s you that has to get better.”
“I know you…” Elijah voice was so quiet and hoarse. I know you…
“I’m staying at a guest house not far away, Lij. But I’ll be here with you every day until you’re well enough to fly home. I’ll help you get through this Elijah… I’ll be here for you every step of the way. You know that, don’t you? I love you so much.”
Dominic stood up and kissed Elijah’s forehead. He smiled at Elijah’s pale face. His eyes looked enormous staring over the mask that was feeding him the oxygen that his body craved.
Elijah looked at Dominic long and hard. His features were blurry, but he knew they would be gaunt, and probably as pale as his own. And he knew that Dominic had probably gone to hell and back while he had been unconscious…
His surprise in New Zealand would now hold more meaning than ever, for himself as well as Dominic.
Dominic sat down. Already the horror of the past few days was beginning to fade. Elijah was awake and talking to him… that was a good sign…
Elijah reached out for Dominic’s hand again, and Dominic took it, and squeezed and had to fight to stop a wave of emotion from taking over.
“I’m going to look after you, Lijah. As soon as I can, I’m going to book us on a plane home. I’m going to get you the best care in the world. I will get you through this, Lijah. I promise you.”
Home… Elijah closed his eyes… and then snapped them open. And New Zealand… we’re still going to New Zealand?
“Dom…” Elijah spoke so quietly that Dominic could hardly hear him.
“Baby?” Dominic leant forward.
“You have to phone Sala…”
“I’ve spoken to Sala, Lij.” Dominic answered. “I’ve told him we won’t be going... he understood.”
Elijah suddenly felt dizzy. “No… no. Dom… we have to go… we have to go to New Zealand.”
“Hey, Lij.” Dominic could see the look of panic on Elijah’s face. “Don’t worry, I’ve sorted it. I’ve cancelled the flights.”
“No… Dom…” Elijah struggled for breath. He tried to sit up, but gasped out loud from the effort and the pain.
“Lijah… what are you doing…?” Dominic heard an alarm bell sound.
“We have to go… Dom… Dom…”
“Lij… for fuck sake…” Dominic put his arms on Elijah’s chest trying to stop him from struggling. “Lij… it’s just a party…. For God’s sake…”
“Dom… we… we… we have to go… we…we… have…”
The door opened and in ran Lynne with a doctor.
“Dominic?” Lynne asked as she went to Elijah’s aid.
“I don’t know…” Dominic stepped backwards his eyes wide with fear.
“Elijah… Elijah… come on…” Lynne held the mask over Elijah’s face. But he was still trying to sit up, exhausting himself and causing himself tremendous pain.
“D… Dom… ” Elijah pulled the mask away again… but there was very little sound coming from him now. “Dom…”
The doctor, one that Dominic had never seen before, asked him to leave.
“I think it would help if you left the room… don’t you?” His tone was harsh and critical. “Right now!”
Dominic backed out the room. He could see Elijah still struggling, resisting the mask, calling silently out to him, and he didn’t understand any of it.
*
Elijah remained asleep for the rest of the day. Knocked out, drugged up, and all because of him.
Before he left to sleep alone again that night, Dominic stood by Elijah’s bed, in a distressed state and very tearful.
“I’m sorry, Lij…I’m so sorry… whatever I’ve done… I’m sorry. I don’t want to cause you any more pain… not ever again. I sometimes think you’re better off without me. I love you baby… more than anything… please know that. I wish it was me lying there, and not you. I would do anything for you, Lijah. Anything. Do you know that? I love you so much.”
Then Dominic reluctantly had to leave him and return to the guesthouse.
As he lay in the bed under the cool sheets, naked and alone, Dominic’s mind whirled - going over and over again how the day had ended in the chaos that it had.
It had started that morning with the call that Elijah was awake… and everything looked good, everything looked hopeful, it was as if reading Elijah’s letter had been a sign, a good sign.
Elijah’s letter.
Dominic sat up in the bed. He had forgotten about it. During the euphoria of that morning, he had pushed it to the back of his mind. He got out of bed, and dug it out of his suitcase.
And then he re-read it. And then he read it again.
“New Zealand…” he spoke out loud as he lowered the piece of paper. Their trip to New Zealand was what had caused Elijah great distress when he had told him they wouldn’t be going.
Dominic looked at the letter again. “Elijah has a gift for me in New Zealand. What gift, Lij?” And then he looked at Elijah’s suitcase sitting in the corner of the room.
…I want you to read my journal, Dom…
Dominic got off the bed and opened Elijah’s case. His journal was sitting on the top of his clothes. Dominic picked it up and sat down at the table.
Then he began to read…
tbc
Author/Email: Salogel (salogel42@hotmail.com)
Pairing: Dom/Elijah
Rating: 15
Summary: Elijah is in hospital.
WARNING: angst
Feedback: Yes please
Archive:Hobbit Haven
Disclaimer: None of this happened or will ever happen. It is all made up in my overactive mind.
Note: Any flashbacks are written as they happened, and not necessarily as a point of view.
Previous chapters can be found here.
Thank Yous to: to Jesslotr for my wonderful icon! And Ru for being a fantastic beta!
Additional Note: Elijah's letter can be found in this chapter.
World Trip
Chapter 35 – The Hospital - Townsville
Fifteen hours… fifteen hours had past since Elijah was stung, and Dominic had only been allowed to see him once. He had travelled with him in the ambulance, listening to those awful screams, watching the medical team strap him down while attempting to inject anti-venom into his writhing body. It had been a scene from hell…
Dominic pressed his forehead against the cold glass of the waiting room window as he remembered those long frantic minutes on the journey to the hospital. He looked outside and watched dawn slowly break the back of night, and it had been a long night, filled with anguish and fear. It had seemed like hours before they let him see Elijah, and what he saw almost broke him.
They told him that Elijah was on a ventilator as a preventative measure. If all went well he would be off it in a few hours, but the sting was severe and complications could often occur from such an attack. They had to wait and see.
Wait and see… So they had allowed Dominic just five minutes, and he couldn’t even hold Elijah’s hand. All he could do was look at him, lying there unconscious, with a tube down his throat, his beautiful Elijah, at the mercy of a machine, with wires attached to him and people he didn’t know prodding him, and injecting him and withdrawing blood from him.
He wanted to tell them all to fuck off and leave him alone… leave his baby alone… can’t they see he’s been through enough? Then Dominic was asked to leave, escorted out of the room by a masked nurse.
Elijah was lying there, in that room, alone, and all Dominic wanted to do was be with him.
“Mr Monaghan…?”
Dominic looked out at the view, totally unaware of the voice behind him. His mind was back on the beach, he was racing towards Elijah… but he had been too late. Too fucking late!
“Mr Monaghan…?” The voice was a little louder, and Dominic felt a hand touch his shoulder.
He turned round, and saw one of the nurses standing opposite him, and his heart filled with dread.
But the nurse smiled at him. “There is someone wanting to see you,” she said.
“Lij…Elijah…?” Dominic stammered: his eyes filled up immediately.
The nurse nodded. “Come with me…”
Dominic followed the nurse along the white corridors, his mind was whirling, and he was crying - his emotions were all over the place.
The nurse stopped by a door… Elijah had been moved into a different room. That had to be good news, didn’t it? Dominic looked at the nurse, and then slowly grinned at her. Elijah was in there, and he was awake!!
She smiled back at him. “He is still extremely sleepy…” she warned him. “But very insistent that he sees you.”
Dominic nodded, and wiped his eyes furiously, in a desperate attempt to get hold of himself.
“Ok…” the nurse opened the door and Dominic stepped inside.
He was by Elijah’s side in an instant, taking hold of his uninjured hand, being careful not to dislodge the IV needle that was embedded in it.
“Baby… Lijah…?”
“Hi…” Elijah’s voice was quiet, but hoarse.
“Oh… Lijah…” Dominic leant over Elijah and kissed him on the forehead. “God… it’s so good to see you… they kept me away… I didn’t know what was happening…” Dominic felt himself welling up again. “God… I love you.” Dominic kissed Elijah again, but this time on the mouth, very lightly, and he noticed how dry and bruised Elijah’s lips were.
Elijah smiled at him. He couldn’t see Dominic clearly, but it was so good to know he was there. “I love you too, Dom,” he whispered, finding it quite difficult to speak.
Elijah tried to move himself into a sitting position, but groaned at the effort, and before Dominic knew it, a nurse, who he had been totally unaware of, sitting at the back of the room, appeared, and adjusted Elijah’s bed.
Dominic smiled at her, and then returned his full attention to Elijah. “How are you feeling, Lij? Christ, that’s a stupid question, I know… God, you scared me… you really scared me… I…thought… I thought…”
Elijah slowly raised his arm, which felt like a dead weight and placed a finger awkwardly over Dominic’s mouth. “I’m… ok…” he whispered.
“You are?” Dominic was so desperate to believe that.
Elijah nodded, but winced as he did so, and Dominic knew that he was in a lot of pain. But he was alive… his Elijah was alive… and he would never be able to thank God enough for that.
Elijah then began to cough repeatedly and had to close his eyes. He looked so drawn, and Dominic could see that he was utterly exhausted.
“Do you want a drink, Lij?” Dominic looked around for some water. He guessed that Elijah’s throat would be raw from the ventilator – and all that screaming.
Jesus… the screaming…. Dominic swallowed hard, as he tried to push those sounds away… Please don’t let Elijah remember the screaming… the pain…
“Please…” Elijah coughed again… his voice was raspy and grating.
“Just a little water, Elijah,” the nurse piped up in the background.
Dominic helped Elijah take a few sips from the plastic cup. To Elijah it tasted like nectar as the cold fluid slipped down his burning throat. Then he rested his head back on the pillow.
Dominic re-took hold of his hand… his eyes travelled the length of Elijah’s body, naked under the blankets. The bulk around his left leg was obviously dressings and padding. Dominic wondered what the stinger wound looked like. The lifeguard had told him that there were over three million stinging cells in every centimetre of jellyfish tentacle. To be stung by a box jellyfish was like having thousands of syringes injecting venom into the skin. No wonder their victims screamed in sheer agony… and it was a thought that Dominic found very hard to let go.
Seeing Elijah in so much pain and not being able to do anything to help him. The feeling of helplessness that overcame him, when he had vowed to himself, that after Hasad’s vicious attack, he would never let anything or anyone hurt Elijah again. He had failed miserably in every respect. He had almost lost Elijah… the most important and precious thing ever to matter to him. And that thought was so hard to push to one side, because to lose Elijah would be the end… of everything.
“Ok…Dom?” Elijah very gently squeezed Dominic’s hand, bringing him back to the here and now.
Dominic looked at him tenderly, and ran his fingers down the side of Elijah’s face. He hadn’t lost him… thank God, he hadn’t lost him… “I’m ok, baby…” he whispered. “I’m ok.” God, I love you… I love you so much…
Elijah nodded and when he coughed again, Dominic helped him take another drink.
*
The beach was deserted. Dominic paid the taxi driver and then stood in the car park looking out at the calm flat sea. The sun was well above the horizon now, and the city of Townsville was beginning to wake. It was a new day… a day Dominic had not expected Elijah to see.
The red flags were still billowing in the gentle breeze. No one else would fall victim on this beach. A creature no bigger than your hand, a silent menace under the surface… they were out there… and to look at the serene scene, it looked so peaceful, so beautiful, when in fact it was deadly.
Dominic turned to the motor home, the only vehicle sitting in the car park. It had a sticker attacked to the windscreen. He removed the sticker and opened it along the perforated edge. It was a parking fine…
He looked at it incredulously. His lover was lying in a hospital, lucky to be alive, and he had been fucking fined for keeping his vehicle in the car park overnight?
“Wankers!” Dominic muttered under his breath, tearing up the ticket and letting the pieces of paper flutter to the ground. “Fucking wankers…”
Within twenty minutes he was parked in the hospital car park. He debated having a cold shower before returning to Elijah, but he wanted to get back to him right away. He wasn’t sure how long Elijah would be staying in there. It may be that he would have to book into a motel nearby. How long did it take to recover from these stings?
Elijah was asleep on his return, and Dominic frowned… a machine, another form of monitor was now attached to him, which had not been there before. He looked at the nurse for answers.
“We are a little concerned with his breathing…”
“His breathing?” Dominic looked at Elijah’s sleeping form; he could feel panic beginning to build again.
“But… you… … you said he was alright?” he stammered. “You took him off the machine.”
“We’re just monitoring him Mr Monaghan, that is all.”
“Monitoring….?” Dominic fought down tears.
The nurse nodded. “You are welcome to sit by him.”
Dominic took his seat once again beside Elijah; he glanced at the new wires attached to his chest.
Why are they there? They shouldn’t fucking be there… Elijah is getting better…
*
Voices… far away voices… noises… becoming louder… Dominic snapped awake. It took a few seconds for him to realise where he was… There was a doctor leaning over Elijah… listening to his chest… and talking, all this medical jargon – like a foreign language - to a nurse standing beside him.
Elijah was awake, and was staring right at Dominic… more nursing staff entered the room…. What was going on?
“Doctor…?” Dominic tried to get the doctor’s attention.
The doctor was busy injecting something into Elijah…
“Doctor…?” Dominic stood up. “What’s going on, what’s happening?”
The doctor briefly glanced up at Dominic. “Can someone escort Mr Monaghan out of the room?” His voice asked no one in particular as he returned his attention to Elijah.
“Elijah…?” Dominic looked down at his lover. He looked white, deathly white and Dominic could see that his lips were tinged with blue. It was then that Dominic could hear Elijah’s breathing, ragged breaths, every single one seemed to be a struggle.
“Lijah…? Lij…?” Dominic took hold of Elijah’s hand. It was cold.
“Mr Monaghan…. Please leave!” The Doctor’s voice was sharp as he placed an oxygen mask over Elijah’s face.
A nurse quickly took Dominic’s arm, but he refused to move. “Lijah…?”
Elijah just looked up at Dominic’s stricken face. He couldn’t speak to him, but the tears that leaked from his eyes told Dominic everything.
“Lijah…? No…!”
“Mr Monaghan… Dominic… you have to leave…” Another nurse took hold of Dominic’s other arm, and tugged him hard releasing his grip on Elijah’s hand.
“What’s happening? What’s fucking happening?” Dominic’s voice cracked as he resisted.
“The doctor will speak to you outside, Dominic. You really must leave…”
Leave… no… I need to stay… can’t you see that? I need to stay… Elijah needs me…
HE FUCKING NEEDS ME!
A sharp rise in voices, and a clanging sound of medical instruments hitting the floor. Dominic twisted in the nurses’ grip as they finally got him through the doorway. Through all the commotion and activity that had increased around Elijah’s bed… all Dominic heard were two words…
“He’s arrested…!”
Then the door closed behind Dominic, and he felt his world crash in.
***
“Adult Respiratory Distress Syndrome.”
Dominic ran the doctor’s words over and over again through his exhausted mind.
“The mortality rate is high. On average between 40-60 percent of patients die from ARDS.”
“But Elijah is young and strong… there is hope…”
“Hope…” Dominic whispered the word out loud. He shook his head. “Fucking hope? What hope…?” He stood up quickly, scraping his chair backwards knocking it flying across the waiting room floor. “There isn’t any fucking hope!”
Other relatives, sitting quietly lost in their own grief looked up sharply at Dominic. He had been sitting there on his own muttering to himself for hours. This sudden outburst shattered the silence in the room.
Dominic stared at them. What the fuck are they looking at? Don’t they know Elijah’s dying!!!! What are they looking at!! Fuck off all of you! Fuck off!
Eyes diverted from Dominic back to magazines in hands. But Dominic just remained there staring… his eyes were wide, bloodshot from lack of sleep. He was still wearing the same clothes he had on when he arrived at the hospital with Elijah five days ago.
And for four days now Elijah’s life hung in the balance… how many hours was that? Fucking minutes? And when was his next scheduled visit? They wouldn’t let him stay. In, and then before he knew it…he had to leave again. He wanted to stay. Be beside Elijah, talk to him… let him know he was there… but he was always asked to leave.
“Why can’t I stay?” Dominic’s voice was loud. “You stay longer…” Dominic pointed accusingly at an elderly man, who looked up at him, his features pale and drawn.
“You get more time than me... you do.” Then Dominic’s voice suddenly lost its angry edge as he looked down at the man he had singled out.
He turned his back on the man and picked up his chair and sat down, heavily and wearily… “Why don’t they give me more time?” He began speaking to himself again. “I need to be with him, with my Elijah, but they won’t let me stay… they won’t… and I need him… I need him… … …”
*
Dominic shrugged on the obligatory gown before entering the room where Elijah was being kept alive. Elijah looked small, and lost – surrounded by machines. He had not opened his eyes for four days, and every time that Dominic was allowed his precious ten minutes with him he willed Elijah to open them, and look at him for just one second. But that didn’t happen. Elijah was heavily sedated, and would remain that way while the ventilator did its job… it wasn’t Elijah’s breathing that he could hear; it was the machine.
Dominic stood by Elijah’s side, and held his hand… it was warm… so warm - alive warm.
Squeeze my hand, Lijah. Tell me you know I’m here… just once… just once, baby… one little squeeze… you can do it…you can… I know you can…
Dominic looked at Elijah’s face, so pale and fragile. A tube was in his mouth, taped down, pulling those beautiful lips apart in an unnatural way. A smaller tube was in his nose, also taped down…
Dominic swallowed hard… and he began to cry again. Silent tears…
Machines… wire… tubes… blips… noises…… too many noises…mechanical noises…
“Where are you, Lijah?” Dominic whispered… He let his fingers run through Elijah’s hair where it spread out on the pillow. It felt silky to the touch. “Where are you? … I miss you so much…baby…” Dominic let Elijah’s hair curl around his fingers. “Please… come back to me… … please come back… I need you…”
Dominic had to press his hand to his mouth to stop himself from sobbing out loud. He missed Elijah so much… and he couldn’t bear seeing him like this… not like this… this wasn’t Elijah…
I want you back… I want you back, Lij… Dominic felt his body begin to sway a little and he gripped the side of the bed to steady himself. Then he heard the door open behind him, and knew it was time to leave.
But he didn’t go. He looked over his shoulder at the ICU nurse and then back at Elijah. He held his hand again… tightly…
“Wake up… Lijah… wake up…” Dominic whispered his plea; his was voice thick and barely audible. “I need you so much… baby…you know I do… please don’t leave me… … don’t you leave me… ” Dominic stared at Elijah through a blur of tears, and then frowned as he saw Elijah beginning to disappear into a dark tunnel.
The nurse ran over to Dominic as he sank to the floor.
*
“When was the last time you ate anything, Mr Monaghan?”
Dominic stared at the nurse sitting opposite him as if she were from another planet.
“Dominic?”
Dominic shook his head.
“And slept?”
Dominic just stared at her.
The nurse offered him a glass of water. Dominic sat up, closed his eyes to fight off another swoon and bout of nausea, and then he drank the water down in one go. They were sitting in a small room, devoid of anything except a bed and a chair. The nurse looked at him.
“Dominic…” The nurse knew she would have to choose her words carefully. She had been watching Dominic since Elijah was admitted into her intensive care ward, four days ago. Watching him, observing him, and learning about him. He was a complex character, of that she was in no doubt, and she had dealt with many relatives who had been in the same position as him before. But everyone was different and had to be approached carefully and considerately, and on this occasion, cautiously too.
“Dominic,” she repeated. “I’m sure Elijah wouldn’t want you to end up as a patient here as well.”
Dominic looked at her blankly.
She smiled at him. “You have been through a tough ordeal…”
“When can I see him again?” Dominic interrupted her.
“Dominic… I’m here for you, as well as Elijah. Your health is just as important as his. When Elijah comes through this, he is going to need your help, and if you’re sick, then you’re not going to be much good, are you?”
“When?” Dominic shook his head. “When Elijah comes through this?” He repeated the words slowly. “You mean, if… don’t you?” Dominic looked down at the empty glass in his hands; he was on the verge of tears again. “The doctor told me six out of ten people die from this… this thing Elijah has… Six people… six…” He wiped his eyes… and then looked at the nurse. “Elijah is going to die…and… and…” then he began to weep silently.
The nurse removed the glass and placed it on the floor. She took hold of Dominic’s hands. She could see he was absolutely exhausted, both mentally and physically. She tried to sound reassuring as she spoke to him.
“And four out of every ten patients survive. I know you can’t see it, Dominic… not right now, but you have to be positive. Elijah is very sick… yes… but he’s receiving the very best care. But right now, this is about you… you have to look after yourself. The human body can’t function without sleep or food, or drink. Where are you staying?”
Dominic blinked hard, his eyes were sore, scratchy and he felt so tired. He looked directly at this woman who was attempting some form of communication with him.
She raised her eyebrows and asked him again. “Dominic… where are you staying? Every time I come on duty, it seems you are here.”
“… nowhere…I… I can’t leave him. I have… to be here…”
“You can leave him. You have to get some rest. I’ll get you the address of the nearest guesthouse… We’ll have its phone number and will call you if there is any change in Elijah, any change at all.”
Dominic shook his head… “No… you don’t understand. I have to be with him… I can’t go… I can’t…”
“So you want to end up as a patient too?” The nurse stood up. “Because that’s what will happen… and what good will that do? Elijah is going to need you more than ever… and you are going to have to be strong for him, Dominic. Now…” She offered her hand to Dominic.
Dominic stared at it for a moment before taking it, and then was helped off the bed. He felt extremely shaky and light headed and deep down he knew the nurse was right.
Dominic looked at her name badge. Staff Nurse Lynne James. He had seen a lot of her during his time here, even spoken to her, but he had never really acknowledged her. He hadn’t acknowledged anyone; his mind had been focused on Elijah and no one else. No one else mattered to him.
“Would you like someone to accompany you, to help you book in?” Lynne asked. “I can arrange that.”
“No… no…” Dominic shook his head as he looked at the piece of paper with the guesthouse address written on it. He stared at the writing, it was blurry – his tired eyes had trouble focusing.
“It’s within walking distance…” Lynne reassured him. “Dominic… you need some rest.”
Dominic looked at her and then at his watch. He had forty minutes before he could see Elijah again.
“I mean it,” she repeated. “Rest…”
*
Dominic returned to the waiting room to pick up his bag. The same people were in there. They looked up at him as he walked in.
“Any change?” The old man that Dominic had shouted at earlier asked.
Dominic stared at him, wondering why he had chosen to speak to him, now … why now?
Dominic had kept to himself… kept away from the others… he didn’t want to acknowledge that the pain he could see in their eyes was mirrored in his own. He didn’t want to see their looks of despair, because they looked wretched and devoid of all hope.
Hope… there was that word again… that special word… that word, which summed Elijah up… summed up what Elijah meant to him. Hope… Elijah was his hope…
‘Hope’… he’d looked it up once… wanting to find the true meaning of the word… a person or thing that one is depending on for something.
He depended on Elijah so much. He depended on him for everything… his very existence depended on Elijah’s love for him, for he loved Elijah unequivocally.
The old man looked away. “They’ve asked me to turn off her machine,” he whispered.
Dominic couldn’t answer… how was he supposed to answer that? Turn off the machine? What the fuck does that mean?
“Mo has gone.” The old man spoke quietly to no one in particular. “She’s gone…”
*
Dominic slowly made his way out of the hotel to the car park. The motor home was a machine, wasn’t it? Switch it on and it roars into life, switch it off and it dies.
What if they want to switch off Elijah’s machine? Dominic felt a wave of terror grip him. He stumbled on the tarmac and had to brace himself against the vehicle nearest to him. An alarm was triggered by his actions, but Dominic didn’t heed it.
Machines…Dominic stumbled on…
He wouldn’t switch Elijah’s machine off. He would never let Elijah go… he couldn’t… not ever… never… it would never be an option… Elijah was his life… his life…
Dominic stood by the driver’s door of the motor home. Elijah had done most of the driving. He had loved it, being in control of this large machine.
Machine… one flick of a switch… on… then another flick, and it’s over… finished… gone forever…
Gone forever!
Dominic wanted to run back to the hospital… what if they turned off Elijah’s machine while he wasn’t there? He felt panic begin to overwhelm him. They wouldn’t do that. Would they? Could they?
God……Elijah!
*
The role of Staff Nurse on the Pulmary Intensive Care Ward involved more than looking after the patient’s needs, which were many and complex.
Compassion and understanding were high on the agenda when it came to dealing with the relatives of those patients who more often than not, did not survive. It was an emotionally demanding job, with very few rewards… and it was at times like this that the partner’s needs almost eclipsed the patient’s needs.
Staff Nurse Lynne James watched Dominic leave the hospital from the staff room window. She could see that he was beyond exhaustion, and she wondered if he was indeed fit to drive the short journey to the guesthouse address that she had given him.
She was on duty when Elijah was transferred into her intensive care ward. He had gone into respiratory distress quite rapidly… and while the medical team had treated him, she had a distraught man to deal with.
Dominic kept on insisting he was Elijah’s next of kin when asked, not answering her questions properly and it became very apparent to Lynne that they were partners.
“Mr Monaghan… we need to contact Elijah’s next of kin… his mother? His father? Can you give us the details?”
“We’re together… we’re together.” that’s all Dominic would say. And… “Please don’t let him die… don’t let my Lijah die.”
So the next of kin details stayed blank, until finally a day later, one of the senior doctors insisted on a name. And Dominic had looked at him blankly… trying to remember. It was his time to see Elijah… couldn’t they wait until afterwards?
“Mr Monaghan… we really need to contact Elijah’s family. They should be here…. They need to be here… “
Why couldn’t he remember? Dominic looked at the doctor. Elijah’s mum needs to be here?
“Elijah’s going to die, isn’t he?” Dominic’s question scared him to death as he asked the doctor. Panic gripped him like a vice. “You need Elijah’s family here because he’s going to die.”
Then Dominic became incapable of speaking anymore. He’d missed his allocated time slot with Elijah, and became agitated and distressed and it took Lynne and the doctor a great deal of time using gentle coaxing and persuasion to finally get Deborah’s name and telephone number out of him. And when Lynne called Elijah’s mother, as much as she hated doing it, she had to leave a message on her answer phone.
Lynne continued to watch Dominic’s slow progress towards his motor home. She saw him enter it, and then was called away from her break. When she returned she sighed with relief, the motor home had gone. Dominic had taken his first small step forward…
*
Dominic applied the handbrake, and stared out the window. He couldn’t remember how he got there. How long did it take? How far away was the hospital? What time was it? He looked at his watch, the clock face blurred out of focus. Jesus Christ he was so tired! Twenty minutes? < I>Twenty minutes until his turn to see Elijah. Fuck!!
Dominic opened the door and half fell out. Got to book in… where? Got to get their stuff out of the van…then drive back to him… not enough fucking time! Fucking nurses… fucking doctors…why did he listen to them?… he needed to be with Elijah, not here… away from him…where was the hospital?… how much time now?…which way did he have to go?
Dominic looked around him wildly, everything seemed to be spinning… and he felt nauseous…
Can’t do this… they sent me away… they sent me away…Elijah’s going to die, and they sent me away… Dominic began sobbing in his confusion as he tried to put the key in the lock of door at the side of the motor home. The key didn’t fit… and he was wasting time! He needed to drive back - right now… or he’ll miss his slot. Slot… why don’t they let me stay… by Elijah’s side… all the time…?
“God… Lij…” Dominic wrestled with the stubborn key, which always worked perfectly up until now. “I miss you…” Then the door suddenly opened, and caught Dominic a glancing blow to his forehead. He staggered backwards, seeing stars.
“Jesus…” he rubbed where the door had caught him. … he shook his head and it hurt… he had a headache… he could feel his stomach twisting and churning… but he ignored it and clambered into the motor home bashing his shin on the step as he did so.
The motor home was rocking, and he wished it would keep still… book in, then get back to Lijah… Why have I come in here? Stuff… our stuff… book in… then drive back…
Dominic yanked open the wardrobe door where their suitcases were stored along with some of their clothes which were half hung up and half slung in, ‘to be sorted later’.
Elijah’s stuff… he stared at it. His shirts, his jeans… …
Spinning… everything was spinning and Dominic knew he was going to be sick… he managed to reach the small kitchen sink before throwing up, and he retched into it, over and over again…
When his stomach finally calmed down, he sat down on the seat, and placed his head in his hands. He felt terrible… and he was going to miss his time with Elijah, he wouldn’t be there for him, he was letting him down yet again… he was always letting him down. Why did I fucking leave the hospital?
“Why did you send me away?” He yelled into the silence of the van, his voice echoed back at him, and then he turned to rest his elbows on the table. His eyes fell on Elijah’s bracelet… Elijah’s bracelet of hope… his broken bracelet of hope… it was in the exact position as Dominic had left it when he took it off Elijah’s wrist five days ago.
Dominic stared at it… his heart hammered in his chest, and his head pounded. He slowly picked up the delicate article and held it in his hands.
“Oh... Lijah…” he whispered. His fingers touched the ends of the frayed pewter threads. “I’m sorry… I’m so sorry…” Images of Elijah’s face came flashing back to him. Elijah had not wanted to take the bracelet off, and he had made him… he had made him do it…and look what had happened.
‘I don’t want it to break. You gave it to me…’ Elijah’s voice had been quiet, and he had been so obviously upset, and what was his solution to it all?
“Let’s go fucking swimming…”
It was all his fault… everything… his fault that Elijah was now lying in hospital hooked up to a machine…He was useless… he was nothing but a burden to Elijah… he always has been, and he knew that. He could never do anything right by him… he was never there for him… he had let him down so many times in the past… but this time… this time… God this time he had really excelled himself…
“Oh… baby…” Dominic could feel hot tears streaming down his cheeks, as he continued to turn the bracelet over in his fingers. He remembered the sub zero temperatures he had endured to get this gift for Elijah… and he remembered Elijah’s words when he gave it to him on his birthday… when he had tied it on his wrist after making love in the hay.
‘I’ll never take this off…’ Elijah had said.
“I’ve killed you…” Dominic whispered out loud… and those very words made him choke on his own grief. “I’ve killed you… and I can’t face this, Lijah… I can’t face it…I can’t … …. I can’t…”
Dominic closed his eyes and laid his head down on his folded arms…I can’t do this… I love you… I love you so much, Elijah… I love you…I can’t do this without you…I can’t…can’t…
Although tears still leaked through his closed eyelids, sleep came down on him like a heavy blanket… and for the first time in five days… a form of peace came over Dominic, and for a few hours he was able to forget.
***
Ringing… a mobile phone… ringing… ringing…
“Are you going to get that?”
Dominic raised his head at the voice.
“Dom?”
“Lij?” Dominic’s head whipped round, all sense of tiredness left his body in an instant.
Elijah closed the motor home door behind him.
“Lijah…!” Dominic was on his feet… “Oh…God… Lijah.” He pulled Elijah into his arms, and held him tightly. “Lijah… Lijah…Oh my God…”
Elijah returned the embrace… slightly stunned.
“Oh… baby… thank God…thank God…” Dominic kissed Elijah on the mouth, on his forehead, on his neck… “Oh God…”
Elijah tried to pull away a little, but Dominic held him, and continued kissing him.
“Oh… Lijah… thank God! Thank God it was just a dream… just a dream…”
Elijah managed to squirm out of Dominic’s embrace… he just stood there looking at Dominic with a bemused look on his face. “A dream?”
Dominic nodded as his eyes swept over Elijah’s body. He took his left hand and looked at it, and let his fingers run over Elijah’s undamaged skin.
“Oh… Jesus, Lij… you’re ok… you’re ok. What about your leg?”
“My leg?” Elijah laughed. “What’s gotten into you, Dom?”
“God, Lij…” Dominic repeated again, and took hold of Elijah’s hands and looked into his face… he looked so happy, so alive… so fucking beautiful.
“God… come here…” Dominic pulled Elijah to him again, and their mouths met, and this time Elijah responded, warmly and passionately…
God I love you… I love you… Dominic weaved his hands through Elijah’s hair holding his head steady as his tongue delved into that wonderful exquisite mouth… I fucking love you… He closed his eyes as he lost himself in Elijah’s kiss…
Ringing… ringing… constant ringing…
“Aren’t you going to get that?”
Dominic opened his eyes… and saw nothing but darkness. He blinked hard.
“Elijah?” his voice sounded lonely and solitary as he called out. “Lijah?” He couldn’t figure out where Elijah had gone. “Lij…?”
The ringing continued… and the crushing realisation that Elijah was not there brought fresh tears to Dominic’s eyes. It had felt so real… Elijah was in his arms and he had felt so warm and alive … it was so fucking real.
Dominic began sobbing again, alone in the dark… it may have been a dream, but he was living a nightmare.
The ringing stopped… only to start again… and through the fog that clouded his tired mind, Dominic realised that it was Elijah’s phone. He groggily switched on the overhead light and picked up his bag, which contained Elijah’s belongings.
He looked at Elijah’s phone… its digital display was lit up… it was Sala calling.
Dominic stared at it before clicking the connect button.
“Hey, Lij… where’ve you been! Nine pm you said.”
Dominic’s mouth felt dry… “Sala…?” His voice was shaky and hardly audible.
“Err… Elijah?”
“Sala… Sala…this is Dom.”
“Heeey!!! Dominic! My man! How’re you doing? Where’s that boyfriend of yours?”
“Sala… Elijah’s sick… very sick…”
Silence on the other end of the phone.
“Umm… Sick?” Sala eventually repeated.
Dominic nodded, totally oblivious to that fact that Sala couldn’t see him.
“What do you mean sick, Dom? Are you still flying over?”
Dominic stared at his reflection in the motor home window, the darkness outside acted as a mirror. He looked drawn, and gaunt.
“Dom…?”
“No… ”
“Umm… right.”
“I need to get Elijah home, Sala.” Dominic stood up straight as he realised he had made his first decision since Elijah was rushed to hospital. He ran his fingers over the cold dark glass as he continued to speak. “We both need to go home…”
Sala went silent again.
“I’ll call, Sala. I’ll let you know how he’s doing.” Then Dominic hung up.
“I’m going to take you home… baby…” Dominic spoke to himself as he stared at his reflection. “We’re going home.”
*
“Mr Monaghan… yes… we have been expecting you… about four hours ago.” The guesthouse receptionist looked at Dominic’s weary face. She handed him a form to sign. “The hospital called us in advance to book you a room…”
Dominic didn’t say anything… all he wanted to do was dump their stuff, and get back to the hospital to see Elijah.
“And there is a message…”
“A message?” Dominic frowned.
“From the hospital… received it about two hours ago.”
Dominic snatched the envelope out of the girl’s hand and tore it open. It was from Staff Nurse James.
Dominic
Elijah is comfortable and stable.
We will contact you if there is any change.
Please get a good night’s sleep.
LJ
Dominic stared at the words… what was he expecting? That Elijah was awake and asking for him?
Yes… yes… that’s what he wanted to hear…more than anything…
“Your key.” The receptionist broke into his thoughts. “Breakfast is from six every morning.”
Dominic took the key without saying anything, and carried their suitcases up the single flight of stairs to his room. It was a fairly large room, with a double bed.
How many rooms had they stayed in over last year? He hadn’t been apart from Elijah once. It felt completely alien booking into a room without him… he would never sleep on his own… this was a fucking mad idea. What was wrong with staying at the hospital, for fucks sake?… at least he would be near Elijah. He didn’t want to be separated from him, not for a single fucking minute.
Maybe he could get Elijah into a private hospital? Somewhere where he could stay with him all the time, and not have limited access seeing him. Ten minutes every hour, what the fuck good was that? He needed to be with Elijah all the time…every second of every day.
Because… because… if… If Elijah… died…
Died…
“No!” Dominic threw the cases on the bed.
That’s not going to happen… it’s not… it’s not…
“It can’t…” Dominic sat heavily on the bed. His shoulders slumped forward in a weariness he had never felt before. He stared at the worn carpet on the floor.
“Please don’t take him,” he began to mutter. “Please God, don’t take him… I love him so much… if you take him away from me, then… then… I’ll die too…” Dominic’s words trailed off as he continued to stare at the floor. He rubbed his hands together, over and over and over again. I’ll die too…I can never be without him…
**
Dominic opened his eyes, and confusion bombarded him. He was curled up on the end of the bed, his head using a suitcase as a pillow. He didn’t recall falling asleep. He’d had no intention of falling asleep, and he was incredibly pissed off with himself for doing so.
“Shit…!” He sat up quickly and looked at his watch. It was six in the morning, and it was just beginning to get light outside.
“Shit!” What the fuck was he doing sleeping? He should be at the hospital. Fuck, what if something had happened to Elijah while he was asleep? Fuck, fuck, fuck…
He needed to phone them. No…he’d go there straight away… it wasn’t far… he’d drive, it would be quicker.
“Right…” Dominic stood up and as he did so he caught sight of himself in a full-length mirror. He looked like a tramp.
He studied his reflection… his clothes were wrinkled and grubby; he hadn’t washed or changed for six days. He barely recognised himself.
“Jesus…” he debated what to do. His need to see Elijah was all encompassing. He didn’t want to waste another minute in this room. He wanted to be by Elijah’s side, holding his hand.
“Shit!” Dominic tore his clothes off, and dumped them on the floor and went into the bathroom. The bright light in the room emphasised the grubby state he was in. He took one look at himself in the mirror, and then switched on the shower, and stepped into the hot stream of water. And it felt so fucking good.
Within ten minutes he was back in the bedroom, a white towel wrapped firmly around his waist.
He picked up his dirty jeans and rummaged in one of the pockets for the motor home keys, he pulled them out, along with Elijah’s bracelet.
He stared at the bracelet, water dripping off his wet hair as he did so. Then he opened his suitcase, and unzipped a small compartment and dropped the bracelet inside. It would be safe in there…
As he went to zip the compartment closed he spotted something white half hidden inside. He pulled it out.
It was his letter. The one had written to Elijah on the plane to South Africa almost three months ago. He had forgotten all about it. It had seemed such a good idea at the time, putting their thoughts down on paper.
Elijah’s letter was in there too, and he pulled it out and stared at the envelope.
Not to be opened until Christmas Day
… was scrawled across the front of the envelope in Dominic’s handwriting.
Elijah was inside this envelope… his thoughts, his memories… and Dominic needed Elijah… he needed him right now… this very second. Needed to hear his voice… hear his laughter… hear that giggle…
Dominic closed his eyes… I miss you so much…
When he opened them… he looked at the envelope again. Above his writing was Elijah’s writing.
To Dom
I love you, Elijah, forgive me… Dominic tore open the envelope and began to read.
As his eyes ran over Elijah’s handwriting, he couldn’t help but hear Elijah’s voice in his mind as he read the words.
He smiled inwardly at Elijah’s formality. He totally expected something like this, Elijah has never been over emotional, not like himself, and he wouldn’t be surprised if there were facts and figures somewhere in the letter…
But there weren’t. And as Dominic continued to read the tone of the letter changed.
……I want you to read my journal Dom.
……My journal will tell you everything, especially how much I love you.
Dominic had to pause, and swallow hard before reading on.
……And inside my journal will be another letter. I’m not going to write it now, but I will, at some point very soon. Just a short one, because New Zealand would have happened and I want to write in this other letter why I wanted to give you the gift that will be waiting for you at the end of September.
“Lijah…?” Dominic spoke softly, as tears blurred his vision. Gift…?
He wiped his eyes with the corner of the bath towel…
… …I never tell you enough just how much I love you, Dom. My journal says it all!
“Oh… Lij…” Dominic finished the letter, and folded the piece of paper up in his hand. “You always tell me… just you being with me tells me…”
He looked at the letter again. For a few minutes Elijah had been with him, in the same room… looking over his shoulder, reading the letter out loud.
But of course he was all alone. The person who meant the world to him, the man he loved more than life itself wasn’t with him, and would probably never be with him again.
All he had now were these words… these precious words…
The shrill ring of a telephone startled Dominic. A wave of panic swept over him as he frantically looked around the room to see where it was coming from.
We’ll call if there’s any change…
This was it… he knew it… this was the call that was going to end his life.
Dominic placed Elijah’s letter on the bedside cabinet, beside the telephone. He let it ring a few more times… then shakily and with a heart full of dread and devoid of all hope he picked up the receiver.
“Dominic?”
“Yes…” he whispered, as he recognised Lynne’s voice.
“Elijah is awake…”
*
Excited, and terrified… these emotions poured through Dominic as he fumbled, his fingers trembling with the hospital gown and cap. Once he was dressed appropriately he had to wait for Lynne’s ok to enter the room, and when he did, at first he thought that Elijah looked no different.
But he was different. The ventilator had gone, instead an oxygen mask was strapped to his face, and he was asleep.
Dominic looked at Lynne, and she nodded urging Dominic forward. She told him while he donned his gown, that during the night Elijah’s chest x-rays had shown enough improvement for them to slowly wean him off the ventilator.
Dominic had asked why they hadn’t called him, and Lynne had smiled. “You were sleeping,” she said. “And we wouldn’t have allowed you access while the withdrawal took place.”
Dominic stood by Elijah’s bedside. He took his hand, and his heart soared as he felt Elijah’s fingers close around his.
“Lijah…” he spoke quietly, not wanting to wake Elijah, but he was so desperate to see Elijah open his eyes. “Baby… it’s me Dom… I’m here.”
The room seemed quiet without the noise of the ventilator, although there were plenty of other noises going on around them.
“Lij…” Dominic leant over Elijah and very gently kissed him on the forehead. “I love you…” he whispered.
Dominic felt Elijah’s fingers move against his own, and as he pulled his head away from Elijah’s face, he could see that Elijah had opened his eyes.
“Lijah…?” Dominic smiled, tears filled his vision. “Hi… baby…”
Elijah gripped Dominic’s hand with all the strength he had, which was very little, but to Dominic it felt strong… so strong and alive... so very much alive.
“Oh… God… Lijah…” Dominic started crying and laughing at the same time… “God… Lijah… I’ve missed you… I’ve missed you…”
Elijah looked at Dominic through a misty veil of drugs, sleep and tears. Missed you too, Dommie.
“I’m getting you moved, Lij. Into a private room… “ Dominic spoke to Elijah, not sure if he could hear him properly or understand him at all. “As soon as you’re stable enough. They have them here in this hospital… then I can stay with you… I can be with you all the time, Lij. God… I can’t tell you how happy I am… I’ve been so worried… I’ve been going out of my mind….”
Dominic stopped… he knew he was beginning to ramble. “Oh… Lijah…Lijah…” He leant forward and kissed Elijah again. “Welcome back…baby… welcome back.”
***
Hope rekindled. Their future was now open to them again, and Dominic felt optimistic. Only twenty-four hours ago there was no future… life would have continued yes… but not for him. Not without Elijah.
Now he had to plan… for once… the planning was down to him. He had to organise their return home.
He was sitting in a small office waiting for Elijah’s doctor to see him. Elijah had been comfortably settled into one of the few private rooms on the ward. Dominic didn’t care how much it was going to cost, he had to be with Elijah. The past seven days had all but wiped him out, and he just couldn’t bear the separation. The nights would be difficult alone in the guesthouse, but he could be with Elijah all day, every day, until he was well enough to leave.
Leave the hospital… and go home.
“Mr Monaghan…” The doctor finally arrived and took a seat opposite Dominic. He tapped a pen on the table between them for a few moments before speaking.
“Elijah is still very sick, he has a long road ahead of him. Coming of the ventilator was one very small step…”
“When will he be well enough to fly?”
“Fly?” the doctor was taken back by this question.
“We need to get home… back to LA.”
The doctor shook his head. “Elijah can’t fly… not for a while. And, as I have said before, Mr Monaghan - Dominic… Elijah is still very sick. Extremely sick… he has taken his first small step to recovery… but the damage to his lungs can….”
“But he’s getting better. He’s off the machine.” Dominic interrupted. He didn’t want to hear that Elijah was still ‘very sick’.
The doctor scratched his head. “I know how difficult this is for you… patients with ARDS have a long battle… there are many complications ahead. Many set backs.”
“What set backs?” Dominic could feel that heavy weight pressing down on him again. “He’s off the machine… Elijah’s off the machine…he’s getting better…”
*
Dominic stood to one side as Lynne drew the sheet off Elijah’s naked body. He said he wanted to stay and observe … Elijah’s wounds were part of Elijah now… and he was going to have to get used to seeing them… But what he saw verged on horrific, and Dominic felt his knees buckle and he had to sit down.
Elijah’s wounds were open and weeping, even after all this time. It was only now that Dominic grasped… really grasped … the horrifying ordeal that Elijah had gone through when he was stung. He made his way quickly into the small adjoining bathroom, and in there he silently wept.
A gentle knock on the door. Dominic wiped his eyes, before opening it.
“He’s all settled.” Lynne looked at him sympathetically. “The wounds will heal, Dominic, be sure of that. He’s awake. I’m sure he would like to see you.”
Dominic nodded. He turned to the sink and splashed cold water over his face, and took in a deep breath, and then he went to join Elijah.
“Hi… baby. Like your new room?” Dominic took a seat and held Elijah’s hand.
Elijah nodded.
Dominic looked at the new dressings that covered Elijah’s injured arm. “Does it hurt?”
Elijah shook his head.
Thank God… Dominic knew that Elijah’s pain was being kept under control by drugs being fed into his body. He hated to think of him in any more pain.
Elijah pulled his hand free from Dominic’s grasp, and lowered his oxygen mask.
“I’ve missed you, Dom,” he whispered.
“Hey…” Dominic grinned… those were the first words Elijah had said to him in almost a week. “Not as much as I’ve missed you.” Never as much…
“Are you doing, ok?” Elijah managed to ask before replacing the mask. It was exhausting to talk. He took a deep breath before speaking again. “I’m worried about you, Dommie….”
“About me?” Dominic suddenly felt choked. “My God, Lij… don’t you worry about me… I’m ok… it’s you that has to get better.”
“I know you…” Elijah voice was so quiet and hoarse. I know you…
“I’m staying at a guest house not far away, Lij. But I’ll be here with you every day until you’re well enough to fly home. I’ll help you get through this Elijah… I’ll be here for you every step of the way. You know that, don’t you? I love you so much.”
Dominic stood up and kissed Elijah’s forehead. He smiled at Elijah’s pale face. His eyes looked enormous staring over the mask that was feeding him the oxygen that his body craved.
Elijah looked at Dominic long and hard. His features were blurry, but he knew they would be gaunt, and probably as pale as his own. And he knew that Dominic had probably gone to hell and back while he had been unconscious…
His surprise in New Zealand would now hold more meaning than ever, for himself as well as Dominic.
Dominic sat down. Already the horror of the past few days was beginning to fade. Elijah was awake and talking to him… that was a good sign…
Elijah reached out for Dominic’s hand again, and Dominic took it, and squeezed and had to fight to stop a wave of emotion from taking over.
“I’m going to look after you, Lijah. As soon as I can, I’m going to book us on a plane home. I’m going to get you the best care in the world. I will get you through this, Lijah. I promise you.”
Home… Elijah closed his eyes… and then snapped them open. And New Zealand… we’re still going to New Zealand?
“Dom…” Elijah spoke so quietly that Dominic could hardly hear him.
“Baby?” Dominic leant forward.
“You have to phone Sala…”
“I’ve spoken to Sala, Lij.” Dominic answered. “I’ve told him we won’t be going... he understood.”
Elijah suddenly felt dizzy. “No… no. Dom… we have to go… we have to go to New Zealand.”
“Hey, Lij.” Dominic could see the look of panic on Elijah’s face. “Don’t worry, I’ve sorted it. I’ve cancelled the flights.”
“No… Dom…” Elijah struggled for breath. He tried to sit up, but gasped out loud from the effort and the pain.
“Lijah… what are you doing…?” Dominic heard an alarm bell sound.
“We have to go… Dom… Dom…”
“Lij… for fuck sake…” Dominic put his arms on Elijah’s chest trying to stop him from struggling. “Lij… it’s just a party…. For God’s sake…”
“Dom… we… we… we have to go… we…we… have…”
The door opened and in ran Lynne with a doctor.
“Dominic?” Lynne asked as she went to Elijah’s aid.
“I don’t know…” Dominic stepped backwards his eyes wide with fear.
“Elijah… Elijah… come on…” Lynne held the mask over Elijah’s face. But he was still trying to sit up, exhausting himself and causing himself tremendous pain.
“D… Dom… ” Elijah pulled the mask away again… but there was very little sound coming from him now. “Dom…”
The doctor, one that Dominic had never seen before, asked him to leave.
“I think it would help if you left the room… don’t you?” His tone was harsh and critical. “Right now!”
Dominic backed out the room. He could see Elijah still struggling, resisting the mask, calling silently out to him, and he didn’t understand any of it.
*
Elijah remained asleep for the rest of the day. Knocked out, drugged up, and all because of him.
Before he left to sleep alone again that night, Dominic stood by Elijah’s bed, in a distressed state and very tearful.
“I’m sorry, Lij…I’m so sorry… whatever I’ve done… I’m sorry. I don’t want to cause you any more pain… not ever again. I sometimes think you’re better off without me. I love you baby… more than anything… please know that. I wish it was me lying there, and not you. I would do anything for you, Lijah. Anything. Do you know that? I love you so much.”
Then Dominic reluctantly had to leave him and return to the guesthouse.
As he lay in the bed under the cool sheets, naked and alone, Dominic’s mind whirled - going over and over again how the day had ended in the chaos that it had.
It had started that morning with the call that Elijah was awake… and everything looked good, everything looked hopeful, it was as if reading Elijah’s letter had been a sign, a good sign.
Elijah’s letter.
Dominic sat up in the bed. He had forgotten about it. During the euphoria of that morning, he had pushed it to the back of his mind. He got out of bed, and dug it out of his suitcase.
And then he re-read it. And then he read it again.
“New Zealand…” he spoke out loud as he lowered the piece of paper. Their trip to New Zealand was what had caused Elijah great distress when he had told him they wouldn’t be going.
Dominic looked at the letter again. “Elijah has a gift for me in New Zealand. What gift, Lij?” And then he looked at Elijah’s suitcase sitting in the corner of the room.
…I want you to read my journal, Dom…
Dominic got off the bed and opened Elijah’s case. His journal was sitting on the top of his clothes. Dominic picked it up and sat down at the table.
Then he began to read…
tbc
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It took me a while to write, but I picture it all in my mind, and this part of the story has been with me for 1.5 years!!!
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Ok, I've done it again. Left a comment before reading it. *goes off to read it*
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Secondly, this chapter was amazing, beautiful and just so darn great that I want to take it home, tuck it in bed and feed it hot chocolate :)
I loved it!
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