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maidazia.livejournal.com) wrote in ![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png)
fellowshippers2003-02-16 12:35 pm
maidazia.livejournal.com) wrote in fellowshippers2003-02-16 12:35 pm
FIC: Hard Candy [EW/OB; DM]
Finally finished. For all of you who read the unfinished bits, it's not changed really, just tweaked. For everyone else, this is sort of an experimental fic [there's an explaination here]
Enjoy.
Title: Hard Candy
Pairing: EW/OB; DM [Told from EW and DM POV]
Rating: R
Summary: Don't it always seem to go/That you don't know what you got 'til it's gone/They paved paradise, and put up a parking lot
Disclaimer: Lyrics owned by Counting Crows. I own nothing. I've yet to be sued for the people I've written about, let's not break my streak.
Author's Notes: {denotes song lyrics} [indicates paraphrase, ie "he" for "she" in lyrics]
This is dedicated to![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
misslovahlovah [I just now found that she had a LJ] who wrote a fanfic back in 1998 that has stayed with me all these years. She probably doesn't remember who I am, but Jenn, that Dave Matthews Band song in the scene in the cabin in "Three Brothers" is still amazing to me.
Action: The zipper tab is tugged, the cover flipped open. Slender fingers caress the plastic pages idly, finally sliding a silver disc from it's flap and placing it delicately in the CD player. One touch on RANDOM, one on PLAY. A sigh as music fills the room. Leave my wings behind me /Drink my worries down the drain/And fly away to somewhere new
TRACK 1
I said goodnight LA. Elijah pulled a cigarette from the pack next to his CD player, pausing to run the pad of his thumb over the engraved front of his Zippo. Cause I'm awake in my room. Shaking his head he snapped the top open, dragged his thumb over the wheel, igniting the flame. I've been up for 38 hours. He took a deep breath, filling his lungs with the thick smoke, praying it would relax him, even just a little bit. And it don't look like sleep's coming soon. He exhaled slowly, his chin dropping to his chest, even as he tossed the lighter back on the table. Cause I could break like a bird. Fuck. So much for that idea.
TRACK 2
Dominic watches as Elijah rushes over to Orlando's side, his face flushed just from being in his lovers presence. You watch him as he stutters over what to say Orlando barely acknowledges the boy, pausing only slightly in his conversation to lightly squeeze his hand before turning back to Sean. It's just a little game you play Dominic's chest tightens as he sees the crestfallen look flash across Elijah's face before it shifts back to his usual playful grin. it's no easier for you some days No one else seems to notice the strain around the young mans eyes, the tiny crease that appears just above his nose, at Orlando's inattention. You wish you could tell him it'll be ok Dominic feels himself start to stand, almost unconsciously, wanting to move to his friend's side. but you feel a little shy these days He drops back into his chair as Orlando places a hand on Elijah's knee, causing his face to light up. cause everybody goes away Dominic sighs, wishing the boy could see that the only reason Orlando reached out was to still the annoyance of the tapping of 'Lij's foot.
*
Elijah sat across the table from Orlando watching him talk animatedly with Viggo and Karl. Where'd you want to go to, He tried not to be obvious about it, the watching. He knew no one cared. with nothing beside you. Only Orlando cared. He said it bothered him. So he tried to be casual about it. It made him feel weak, pathetic. He pushed those feelings down, swallowed them. But webbing and curfews and rain He kept glancing up, hoping to catch Orlando's eye. It struck him that he was being studiously ignored. And everything that hurts you That thought twisted up his insides. It didn't always feel like this. Gets stuffed up inside you He shook it off. Orlando was just occupied with his conversation. He got that way. Very involved. Like butterflies with wings Elijah looked around the rest of the room. Dominic caught his eye. or other perfect things His friend was wearing one of his usual easy grins, though 'Lij thought he looked a little stressed. We go swimming in the sunshine Dominic waved him over, but Elijah just shrugged, gesturing discreetly towards Orlando and shook his head. Dangling from clotheslines For a flash of a second he thought he saw a dark look pass over Dominic's features. Seperate and fall into me Realising how silly that seemed he turned his attention back to the other side of the table. And did you ever see me Towards Orlando. Who was still ignoring him. Me absolutely With a sigh he sat back to wait. Me but all you but still me
TRACK 3
Elijah watches his lover on the dance floor, lithe body moving with abandon, hands thrown in the air, neck and shoulders glistening with sweat. Time expands and then contracts He grins at the memory of those limbs entwined with his only hours before, sweat-slicked from things other than dancing. When you are spinning He glances at himself in the mirror behind the bar, cheeks burning slightly from the heady visual he's just treated himself to. In the grips of someone He catches sight of Orlando in the mirror, enjoying the warm bubbling in his stomach, wanting nothing more than to keep watching his body move all night. He wants to have a good time He started to turn around, wanting to be next to him, to feel the heat coming off his body in waves. just like everybody else He stops as he notices another boy enter the space occupied by Orlando and he waits. He doesn't want to fall apart The warm feeling in his stomach turns to bitter churning as he watches the man he would be going home with wind his arms around this other boys neck and mold him against his body. I can't look into your eyes and see the mess we're in Elijah had to force himself to remember to breathe, sucking in a shallow breath, holding back the nausea that threatened to overwhelm him. darling if it's shit came out Only the tiniest shadow of self respect was holding him to his seat as everything else in his heart and mind screamed for him to rush over and tear his lover from this strangers arms. Then I suppose that it's shit went in His paralysis was broken as Orlando leaned down, stretching even further into this boy, and pressed his lips against the hungry pair in front of him. Even though I couldn't say I've been the places that you've been Elijah spun back around to face the bar, dizzy, his skin felt hot and cold all at the same time. You know you made my heart real strong Against his will, his eyes were drawn to the mirror where he could still see Orlando seemingly trying to swallow every part of this boy he would probably never see again, all while Elijah sat only a few feet away. even if you made my head real thin He fought back the image of that same mouth covering every intimate part of his body. I wanna have a good time He watches mesmerised, wanting to know what it is that Orlando is feeling, wanting to be able to make him feel the same way so he won't need to do this. just like everybody So that he will be the only person that Orlando can think about, the only man Orlando needs, the only one to feel the touch of his fingertips, his lips. And I don't wanna fall apart this time Because he knows this isn't the first time. And he's afraid it won't be the last. so would you please invite me in Frozen, he watches and waits.
*
Dominic watched Elijah watching Orlando wrapped around the sweet young thing he'd ensnared on the dance floor. [he] comes out of closets every night He felt feverish as anger flooded his body. He was outraged at Orlando's blatant disregard for Elijah's feelings. But then [he] locks [him]self away His emotions were at war inside his head, inside his gut. He wanted to rush to Elijah's side, drag him from the bar. Where [he] could keep everything from me Pull him away from this heartache, take him back to his house, comfort him. I could have been anyone you see Comfort himself. Drown himself in the beauty he can't believe Orlando can't see. [he's] nothing but porcelain underneath [his] skin.
TRACK 4
All of the people are vanishing here "Elijah, I don't want you to think we're ganging up on you, we're not." Sean touched his friends shoulder gently. I could be huge, If I could just get home Elijah shrugged off the hand. From the outside of everything Sean took a deep breath. "You're different. This whole relationship– thing, you've got going on with Orlando. It's not the same for him as it is for you." To the inside of you
TRACK 5
'Cause I've been thinking I'd like to see your eyes He could see Elijah's eyes. Almost unreal, almost cartoonish, if not for the depth emotion he always saw spiraling around inside them. open up real wide the minute that you see me. Eyes that could cause his throat to close up, his lungs to stop working, his groin to tighten, every time they turned in his direction. If you don't come through, He thought of those eyes trained on Orlando's face, Orlando's lips, meeting Orlando's eyes. I wouldn't wait for you. He saw Orlando's eyes roaming restlessly. Never holding Elijah's gaze for more that a few seconds at most. Moving, never stopping. I understand that everyone goes disappearing, He always felt his chest tighten, sympathizing, feeling already the pain and loss that Elijah had yet to realise was waiting for him. into the greatest grey The pain everyone else was holding their breath waiting for. that covers over everyday, The end that everyone saw coming, yet no one had the courage or the heart to try and show him. and hovers in the distance and the distance and the distance... Dominic wished he had been that brave.
*
Everyone has an opinion. Purest Aluminum people In the beginning everyone was too timid. are walking the streets of London They all minded their own business. So hysterical Now all he hears are all of his lovers little indiscretions, all the friendly 'we just care about you 'Lij" points of view. Nobody here gets a word that I say No one ever understands a relationship they aren't a part of. No one can. Besides, we're both using each other. and the problems I'm told, are more than medical Aren't we?
TRACK 6
He lay with his eyes closed. I'm just staring at If he lay perfectly still he might be able to retain the last threads of the dream he was having when he woke. the ceiling staring back at me, Images of soft bristles of rich brown hair brushing just under his chin, Just waiting for the daylight to come crawling in on me... split second glimpses of the bluest of blues trapped behind a cage of long lashes, And I've been up all night, supple smooth lips tongue mouth moving over the warm skin of his neck, his chest. I might sleep all day He felt the quick tightening in his groin, adding to the easy pain that he had woken with. Get your dreams just right He rolled over, his eyes still shut tight, breathing a quiet low moan as his hot skin came into contact with the mattress. And let them slip away He could almost hear Elijah muttering, whispering sweet sexy things in his ear as he moved his hips, grinding into the bed, reveling in the feeling, the friction. I might sleep all day. He didn't even realise he'd moved his hand to grasp himself, stroke himself until he heard himself moaning Elijah's name, growling it in the back of his throat. Ohhh.. He was right on the edge, so close, only to be suddenly slammed back to earth by the pounding on his door and the sound of Orlando's voice. "Up Hobbit! Now!" It's too late to get high now.
*
If anything Elijah worked to control his panting as he felt Orlando drop back to the bed, half on, half off his chest. it should have been He lifted a hand and brushed his fingertips along the silky sweaty nape of Orlando's neck. a better thing He muttered an endearment, almost too soft to be heard. He felt the muscles in the back of Orlando's neck tense just before he released a deep sigh. From underneath you Elijah rolled his eyes, almost removing his hand from his lovers neck, disgusted with himself and Orlando. staring at the ceiling Of all times, of all places, he should be happiest right where he is. Sated, exhausted, loved. There's another world But not loved. He says this aloud without realising. of chocolate bars and baseball cards Orlando's head comes up, he eyes Elijah disdainfully. This is the thing they don't talk about. That hides inside of all Elijah feels a small thrill at breaking the rules, crossing the line. this tension that I'm feeling He gazes at Orlando, looking absurdly beautiful, his lean naked body stretched along the bed, one chocolate curl hanging over his eyes. But It's all inside of you Elijah feels a rush– a rush of something, and he's not sure it's not love. Yeah, it's all inside of you But he's not sure it is. Surprise surprise Orlando slides off the bed in one smooth movement, scooping up his jeans, buttoning them as he moves towards the door. I miss your hair, you miss my eyes He glances back over his shoulder, catching Elijah's eyes. This is goodbye. And all this solitude He can feel it in the tightening of his throat, in the sudden burning behind his eyes. is my confidence eroding The door closes silently. He realises that he hadn't even had time to move, time to react, time to object. So we slide inside of Everything he thought he needed. someone's mouth and someone's eyes Everything he thought he had. Until there's a sound Everything he thought he loved. of something intimate exploding Walking out the door. Leaving him alone and empty. But it's all inside of you Wondering what to do. it's all inside of you
TRACK 7
He doesn't want to open his eyes. So there isn't any sweetness in the dreaming He knows if he opens his eyes it will make it all real. And when you wake the morning showers you with light He strains to remember the last time he woke up alone. And it makes you feel alright The last time he woke without being surrounded by warm slender limbs, breathy kisses and shining brown eyes. But it's just the same hard candy He can't put it off any longer. Lashes separate, eyes focus. You're remembering again Nothing but an empty stretch of bed.
*
Dominic couldn't bear to look at Elijah. I wish that I was anesthetized No one was looking at Elijah. and sterilized and then But then Elijah wasn't looking back at any of them. we wouldn't have this evidence congealing They couldn't blame Orlando. Everyone saw it coming. Everyone warned Elijah. Surprise surprise, Everyone except Dominic. He couldn't bring himself to talk about it. another pair of lips and eyes It was hard enough for him to think about it. And that is the consequence And now that it was all over, he had no idea what he was supposed to do. of actually feeling What was he going to do? It was all inside of you
TRACK 8
Elijah paced. Back and forth. I waited for an hour last Friday night Across the bedroom. Lengthwise and back again. [he] never came around His skin felt too tight. He felt drawn. Like he had been scribbled on a sheet of paper and crumpled up. [he] took almost everything from me He didn't plan for any of this to happen. He didn't plan anything. I'm going through my closets He didn't know if he should feel betrayed. Feel used. He didn't know what to feel about anything. Trying on [his] clothes, almost everyday Anger suddenly flared. I could have been anyone you see He just wanted to feel loved, appreciated, needed. I wish it was anyone but me Now all he felt was dirty and used up. Nothing but pills and ashes under my skin Never again.
TRACK 9a
Elijah glared at his reflection in the glass. Fading everything to black and blue His usually pale skin was highlighted even more by the abuse it had taken over the last few hours. You look a lot like you He scrubbed at his cheeks with the back of his hand, trying to rid them of their muddy tear tracks. Shatter in the blink of an eye He grimaced as he realised he'd only succeeded in making himself look worse, now each cheek was marred by a bright red spot. You keep sailing right on through He gave up on the tear stains and leaned closer, taking in the livid purple bruises under each eye. Every time you say you're learning The normally creamy skin looked battered, almost translucent. You just look a lot like me He probed the area delicately with the tip of his finger, Pale under the blistering sky stretching the skin away from his nose, pulling his bottom eyelid down and away, taking in the bright red roadmap of veins that marred his eyeballs. White and red/ Black and blue He caught his own gaze in the mirror, You've been waiting a long time unconsciously dropping his hand to rest on the edge of the sink, leaning even closer to the cool glass. You've been waiting a long time He stared, the moment lengthening into two, then three, going on as he found himself trapped in the red-rimmed pools of blue just mere inches from his nose. You've been waiting a long time With a deep shuddering breath he snapped his gaze away, fingers tightening on the porcelain, gripping the edges of the sink. To fall down on your knees
TRACK 9b
Elijah stared out the window, looking at nothing. I'm at the end of a new frontier In his mind he touched the part of himself in his chest that felt raw and open. here at the edge of the flat earth ending Gentle probing fingers moved around his heart, trying to come to some sort of understanding of the new feelings. I'm getting off to get lost in the air The logical part of his brain that he hadn't been able to silence continued to try and explain that this was all for the best. At the end of the world where the light is bending Nothing that he had been feeling before this was healthy. From the outside of everything Over and over, it soothed. Trying to compete with the hole in his chest. To the inside of you
*
The gentleman caller in the blue suede shoes Dominic halts just outside Elijah's bedroom door. He don't know what to do He peers through the crack between the frame and the partially cracked open door self-consciously. He just wants to look good for you Elijah sits on the floor at the end of the bed, knees curled up in front of him, his palms jammed into his eye sockets as if blocking out some terrible sight. So he rushes in to tell you what he did today A cigarette burns slowly from where it is clamped between two of his fingers, wreathing his head in wisps of smoke. But he can't think of what to say He tries to take a step forward, push open the door, drop to his knees next to the broken boy on the floor, but he can't seem to make his legs work. I think you'll listen anyway
TRACK 10
He watched Elijah's motionless form as he lay spread face down across the comforter. Fall asleep next to me He wished he could be there lying next to him. Wait for everyone to go away Running the palm of his hand down the curve of Elijah's spine. And in a dimly lit room where you've got nothing to hide Spiraling his fingertips over the back of the taut muscles in Elijah's neck, loosening the tension there. Say your goodbyes Kissing the wrinkles from his forehead.
*
Cause nothing makes me feel so good He wished he could just march in there. gets me high March in there, swing Elijah around and just scream at him. so I sleep at night He could picture the blank look of surprise on his friend's face if he did just that. and that's enough and everything He pictured the exact way Elijah's lips would curve, preparing to ask the question, ask Dominic what was going on. alright And Dominic would tell him. I feel nice He would really do it, finally. Just tell him how he felt about him. so sorry in the morning Tell him that he had been in love with him since the first day when they had met on set. Fell into those eyes. Could believe what you believe Tell him how it had been killing him to watch him with Orlando everyday, knowing, everyone knowing that his lover didn't love him back. I'm used to waking up alone He would just tell him. And if you think about it/anyone you think about is a better love than me
BONUS TRACK
Dominic opened the door. If I could give all my love to you He watched as Elijah turned towards the unexpected noise. I could justify myself Wordlessly he tried to put all of the things he couldn't bring himself to say out loud into his eyes, hoping Elijah would see and understand. but I'm just not coming through Understand and accept.
Elijah gazed at Dominic. You're a pill to ease the pain He saw something in his face, in the set of his shoulders, in the way one of his hands unconsciously lifted, the fingers slightly extended towards him, entreating, but not quite saying, not quite asking. of all the stupid things I do
I'm an anchor on the line Dominic couldn't move. of a clock that tells the time He saw something in Elijah's eyes. That is running out on you. Something hardened. Well it was cold when I woke But at the same time, something softened. and the day was halfway done Weakened.
Elijah couldn't seem to get enough air in his lungs. Nearly spring in San Francisco His chest felt too tight. Here was an offer. but I cannot feel the sun But could he bring himself to accept?
You were sleeping next to me Dominic knew he was asking too much. but I knew that you'd be gone Asking all the wrong questions. Take some time before you go But he was tired of waiting. think of monday's coming down Tired of playing silly games. and the people that you knew Tired of Elijah acting this way. The ones that aren't around Foolish. Tearing himself down. Tearing himself apart. you've been fading day to day
I've been moving town to town Elijah couldn't bring himself to speak. If I could give all my love to you He was afraid of what he would say. I could justify myself What he could say. but I'm just not coming through. What he couldn't say. You're a pill to ease the pain What this could become. of all the stupid things I do How he could fuck it up.
Enjoy.
Title: Hard Candy
Pairing: EW/OB; DM [Told from EW and DM POV]
Rating: R
Summary: Don't it always seem to go/That you don't know what you got 'til it's gone/They paved paradise, and put up a parking lot
Disclaimer: Lyrics owned by Counting Crows. I own nothing. I've yet to be sued for the people I've written about, let's not break my streak.
Author's Notes: {denotes song lyrics} [indicates paraphrase, ie "he" for "she" in lyrics]
This is dedicated to
misslovahlovah [I just now found that she had a LJ] who wrote a fanfic back in 1998 that has stayed with me all these years. She probably doesn't remember who I am, but Jenn, that Dave Matthews Band song in the scene in the cabin in "Three Brothers" is still amazing to me. Action: The zipper tab is tugged, the cover flipped open. Slender fingers caress the plastic pages idly, finally sliding a silver disc from it's flap and placing it delicately in the CD player. One touch on RANDOM, one on PLAY. A sigh as music fills the room. Leave my wings behind me /Drink my worries down the drain/And fly away to somewhere new
TRACK 1
I said goodnight LA. Elijah pulled a cigarette from the pack next to his CD player, pausing to run the pad of his thumb over the engraved front of his Zippo. Cause I'm awake in my room. Shaking his head he snapped the top open, dragged his thumb over the wheel, igniting the flame. I've been up for 38 hours. He took a deep breath, filling his lungs with the thick smoke, praying it would relax him, even just a little bit. And it don't look like sleep's coming soon. He exhaled slowly, his chin dropping to his chest, even as he tossed the lighter back on the table. Cause I could break like a bird. Fuck. So much for that idea.
TRACK 2
Dominic watches as Elijah rushes over to Orlando's side, his face flushed just from being in his lovers presence. You watch him as he stutters over what to say Orlando barely acknowledges the boy, pausing only slightly in his conversation to lightly squeeze his hand before turning back to Sean. It's just a little game you play Dominic's chest tightens as he sees the crestfallen look flash across Elijah's face before it shifts back to his usual playful grin. it's no easier for you some days No one else seems to notice the strain around the young mans eyes, the tiny crease that appears just above his nose, at Orlando's inattention. You wish you could tell him it'll be ok Dominic feels himself start to stand, almost unconsciously, wanting to move to his friend's side. but you feel a little shy these days He drops back into his chair as Orlando places a hand on Elijah's knee, causing his face to light up. cause everybody goes away Dominic sighs, wishing the boy could see that the only reason Orlando reached out was to still the annoyance of the tapping of 'Lij's foot.
*
Elijah sat across the table from Orlando watching him talk animatedly with Viggo and Karl. Where'd you want to go to, He tried not to be obvious about it, the watching. He knew no one cared. with nothing beside you. Only Orlando cared. He said it bothered him. So he tried to be casual about it. It made him feel weak, pathetic. He pushed those feelings down, swallowed them. But webbing and curfews and rain He kept glancing up, hoping to catch Orlando's eye. It struck him that he was being studiously ignored. And everything that hurts you That thought twisted up his insides. It didn't always feel like this. Gets stuffed up inside you He shook it off. Orlando was just occupied with his conversation. He got that way. Very involved. Like butterflies with wings Elijah looked around the rest of the room. Dominic caught his eye. or other perfect things His friend was wearing one of his usual easy grins, though 'Lij thought he looked a little stressed. We go swimming in the sunshine Dominic waved him over, but Elijah just shrugged, gesturing discreetly towards Orlando and shook his head. Dangling from clotheslines For a flash of a second he thought he saw a dark look pass over Dominic's features. Seperate and fall into me Realising how silly that seemed he turned his attention back to the other side of the table. And did you ever see me Towards Orlando. Who was still ignoring him. Me absolutely With a sigh he sat back to wait. Me but all you but still me
TRACK 3
Elijah watches his lover on the dance floor, lithe body moving with abandon, hands thrown in the air, neck and shoulders glistening with sweat. Time expands and then contracts He grins at the memory of those limbs entwined with his only hours before, sweat-slicked from things other than dancing. When you are spinning He glances at himself in the mirror behind the bar, cheeks burning slightly from the heady visual he's just treated himself to. In the grips of someone He catches sight of Orlando in the mirror, enjoying the warm bubbling in his stomach, wanting nothing more than to keep watching his body move all night. He wants to have a good time He started to turn around, wanting to be next to him, to feel the heat coming off his body in waves. just like everybody else He stops as he notices another boy enter the space occupied by Orlando and he waits. He doesn't want to fall apart The warm feeling in his stomach turns to bitter churning as he watches the man he would be going home with wind his arms around this other boys neck and mold him against his body. I can't look into your eyes and see the mess we're in Elijah had to force himself to remember to breathe, sucking in a shallow breath, holding back the nausea that threatened to overwhelm him. darling if it's shit came out Only the tiniest shadow of self respect was holding him to his seat as everything else in his heart and mind screamed for him to rush over and tear his lover from this strangers arms. Then I suppose that it's shit went in His paralysis was broken as Orlando leaned down, stretching even further into this boy, and pressed his lips against the hungry pair in front of him. Even though I couldn't say I've been the places that you've been Elijah spun back around to face the bar, dizzy, his skin felt hot and cold all at the same time. You know you made my heart real strong Against his will, his eyes were drawn to the mirror where he could still see Orlando seemingly trying to swallow every part of this boy he would probably never see again, all while Elijah sat only a few feet away. even if you made my head real thin He fought back the image of that same mouth covering every intimate part of his body. I wanna have a good time He watches mesmerised, wanting to know what it is that Orlando is feeling, wanting to be able to make him feel the same way so he won't need to do this. just like everybody So that he will be the only person that Orlando can think about, the only man Orlando needs, the only one to feel the touch of his fingertips, his lips. And I don't wanna fall apart this time Because he knows this isn't the first time. And he's afraid it won't be the last. so would you please invite me in Frozen, he watches and waits.
*
Dominic watched Elijah watching Orlando wrapped around the sweet young thing he'd ensnared on the dance floor. [he] comes out of closets every night He felt feverish as anger flooded his body. He was outraged at Orlando's blatant disregard for Elijah's feelings. But then [he] locks [him]self away His emotions were at war inside his head, inside his gut. He wanted to rush to Elijah's side, drag him from the bar. Where [he] could keep everything from me Pull him away from this heartache, take him back to his house, comfort him. I could have been anyone you see Comfort himself. Drown himself in the beauty he can't believe Orlando can't see. [he's] nothing but porcelain underneath [his] skin.
TRACK 4
All of the people are vanishing here "Elijah, I don't want you to think we're ganging up on you, we're not." Sean touched his friends shoulder gently. I could be huge, If I could just get home Elijah shrugged off the hand. From the outside of everything Sean took a deep breath. "You're different. This whole relationship– thing, you've got going on with Orlando. It's not the same for him as it is for you." To the inside of you
TRACK 5
'Cause I've been thinking I'd like to see your eyes He could see Elijah's eyes. Almost unreal, almost cartoonish, if not for the depth emotion he always saw spiraling around inside them. open up real wide the minute that you see me. Eyes that could cause his throat to close up, his lungs to stop working, his groin to tighten, every time they turned in his direction. If you don't come through, He thought of those eyes trained on Orlando's face, Orlando's lips, meeting Orlando's eyes. I wouldn't wait for you. He saw Orlando's eyes roaming restlessly. Never holding Elijah's gaze for more that a few seconds at most. Moving, never stopping. I understand that everyone goes disappearing, He always felt his chest tighten, sympathizing, feeling already the pain and loss that Elijah had yet to realise was waiting for him. into the greatest grey The pain everyone else was holding their breath waiting for. that covers over everyday, The end that everyone saw coming, yet no one had the courage or the heart to try and show him. and hovers in the distance and the distance and the distance... Dominic wished he had been that brave.
*
Everyone has an opinion. Purest Aluminum people In the beginning everyone was too timid. are walking the streets of London They all minded their own business. So hysterical Now all he hears are all of his lovers little indiscretions, all the friendly 'we just care about you 'Lij" points of view. Nobody here gets a word that I say No one ever understands a relationship they aren't a part of. No one can. Besides, we're both using each other. and the problems I'm told, are more than medical Aren't we?
TRACK 6
He lay with his eyes closed. I'm just staring at If he lay perfectly still he might be able to retain the last threads of the dream he was having when he woke. the ceiling staring back at me, Images of soft bristles of rich brown hair brushing just under his chin, Just waiting for the daylight to come crawling in on me... split second glimpses of the bluest of blues trapped behind a cage of long lashes, And I've been up all night, supple smooth lips tongue mouth moving over the warm skin of his neck, his chest. I might sleep all day He felt the quick tightening in his groin, adding to the easy pain that he had woken with. Get your dreams just right He rolled over, his eyes still shut tight, breathing a quiet low moan as his hot skin came into contact with the mattress. And let them slip away He could almost hear Elijah muttering, whispering sweet sexy things in his ear as he moved his hips, grinding into the bed, reveling in the feeling, the friction. I might sleep all day. He didn't even realise he'd moved his hand to grasp himself, stroke himself until he heard himself moaning Elijah's name, growling it in the back of his throat. Ohhh.. He was right on the edge, so close, only to be suddenly slammed back to earth by the pounding on his door and the sound of Orlando's voice. "Up Hobbit! Now!" It's too late to get high now.
*
If anything Elijah worked to control his panting as he felt Orlando drop back to the bed, half on, half off his chest. it should have been He lifted a hand and brushed his fingertips along the silky sweaty nape of Orlando's neck. a better thing He muttered an endearment, almost too soft to be heard. He felt the muscles in the back of Orlando's neck tense just before he released a deep sigh. From underneath you Elijah rolled his eyes, almost removing his hand from his lovers neck, disgusted with himself and Orlando. staring at the ceiling Of all times, of all places, he should be happiest right where he is. Sated, exhausted, loved. There's another world But not loved. He says this aloud without realising. of chocolate bars and baseball cards Orlando's head comes up, he eyes Elijah disdainfully. This is the thing they don't talk about. That hides inside of all Elijah feels a small thrill at breaking the rules, crossing the line. this tension that I'm feeling He gazes at Orlando, looking absurdly beautiful, his lean naked body stretched along the bed, one chocolate curl hanging over his eyes. But It's all inside of you Elijah feels a rush– a rush of something, and he's not sure it's not love. Yeah, it's all inside of you But he's not sure it is. Surprise surprise Orlando slides off the bed in one smooth movement, scooping up his jeans, buttoning them as he moves towards the door. I miss your hair, you miss my eyes He glances back over his shoulder, catching Elijah's eyes. This is goodbye. And all this solitude He can feel it in the tightening of his throat, in the sudden burning behind his eyes. is my confidence eroding The door closes silently. He realises that he hadn't even had time to move, time to react, time to object. So we slide inside of Everything he thought he needed. someone's mouth and someone's eyes Everything he thought he had. Until there's a sound Everything he thought he loved. of something intimate exploding Walking out the door. Leaving him alone and empty. But it's all inside of you Wondering what to do. it's all inside of you
TRACK 7
He doesn't want to open his eyes. So there isn't any sweetness in the dreaming He knows if he opens his eyes it will make it all real. And when you wake the morning showers you with light He strains to remember the last time he woke up alone. And it makes you feel alright The last time he woke without being surrounded by warm slender limbs, breathy kisses and shining brown eyes. But it's just the same hard candy He can't put it off any longer. Lashes separate, eyes focus. You're remembering again Nothing but an empty stretch of bed.
*
Dominic couldn't bear to look at Elijah. I wish that I was anesthetized No one was looking at Elijah. and sterilized and then But then Elijah wasn't looking back at any of them. we wouldn't have this evidence congealing They couldn't blame Orlando. Everyone saw it coming. Everyone warned Elijah. Surprise surprise, Everyone except Dominic. He couldn't bring himself to talk about it. another pair of lips and eyes It was hard enough for him to think about it. And that is the consequence And now that it was all over, he had no idea what he was supposed to do. of actually feeling What was he going to do? It was all inside of you
TRACK 8
Elijah paced. Back and forth. I waited for an hour last Friday night Across the bedroom. Lengthwise and back again. [he] never came around His skin felt too tight. He felt drawn. Like he had been scribbled on a sheet of paper and crumpled up. [he] took almost everything from me He didn't plan for any of this to happen. He didn't plan anything. I'm going through my closets He didn't know if he should feel betrayed. Feel used. He didn't know what to feel about anything. Trying on [his] clothes, almost everyday Anger suddenly flared. I could have been anyone you see He just wanted to feel loved, appreciated, needed. I wish it was anyone but me Now all he felt was dirty and used up. Nothing but pills and ashes under my skin Never again.
TRACK 9a
Elijah glared at his reflection in the glass. Fading everything to black and blue His usually pale skin was highlighted even more by the abuse it had taken over the last few hours. You look a lot like you He scrubbed at his cheeks with the back of his hand, trying to rid them of their muddy tear tracks. Shatter in the blink of an eye He grimaced as he realised he'd only succeeded in making himself look worse, now each cheek was marred by a bright red spot. You keep sailing right on through He gave up on the tear stains and leaned closer, taking in the livid purple bruises under each eye. Every time you say you're learning The normally creamy skin looked battered, almost translucent. You just look a lot like me He probed the area delicately with the tip of his finger, Pale under the blistering sky stretching the skin away from his nose, pulling his bottom eyelid down and away, taking in the bright red roadmap of veins that marred his eyeballs. White and red/ Black and blue He caught his own gaze in the mirror, You've been waiting a long time unconsciously dropping his hand to rest on the edge of the sink, leaning even closer to the cool glass. You've been waiting a long time He stared, the moment lengthening into two, then three, going on as he found himself trapped in the red-rimmed pools of blue just mere inches from his nose. You've been waiting a long time With a deep shuddering breath he snapped his gaze away, fingers tightening on the porcelain, gripping the edges of the sink. To fall down on your knees
TRACK 9b
Elijah stared out the window, looking at nothing. I'm at the end of a new frontier In his mind he touched the part of himself in his chest that felt raw and open. here at the edge of the flat earth ending Gentle probing fingers moved around his heart, trying to come to some sort of understanding of the new feelings. I'm getting off to get lost in the air The logical part of his brain that he hadn't been able to silence continued to try and explain that this was all for the best. At the end of the world where the light is bending Nothing that he had been feeling before this was healthy. From the outside of everything Over and over, it soothed. Trying to compete with the hole in his chest. To the inside of you
*
The gentleman caller in the blue suede shoes Dominic halts just outside Elijah's bedroom door. He don't know what to do He peers through the crack between the frame and the partially cracked open door self-consciously. He just wants to look good for you Elijah sits on the floor at the end of the bed, knees curled up in front of him, his palms jammed into his eye sockets as if blocking out some terrible sight. So he rushes in to tell you what he did today A cigarette burns slowly from where it is clamped between two of his fingers, wreathing his head in wisps of smoke. But he can't think of what to say He tries to take a step forward, push open the door, drop to his knees next to the broken boy on the floor, but he can't seem to make his legs work. I think you'll listen anyway
TRACK 10
He watched Elijah's motionless form as he lay spread face down across the comforter. Fall asleep next to me He wished he could be there lying next to him. Wait for everyone to go away Running the palm of his hand down the curve of Elijah's spine. And in a dimly lit room where you've got nothing to hide Spiraling his fingertips over the back of the taut muscles in Elijah's neck, loosening the tension there. Say your goodbyes Kissing the wrinkles from his forehead.
*
Cause nothing makes me feel so good He wished he could just march in there. gets me high March in there, swing Elijah around and just scream at him. so I sleep at night He could picture the blank look of surprise on his friend's face if he did just that. and that's enough and everything He pictured the exact way Elijah's lips would curve, preparing to ask the question, ask Dominic what was going on. alright And Dominic would tell him. I feel nice He would really do it, finally. Just tell him how he felt about him. so sorry in the morning Tell him that he had been in love with him since the first day when they had met on set. Fell into those eyes. Could believe what you believe Tell him how it had been killing him to watch him with Orlando everyday, knowing, everyone knowing that his lover didn't love him back. I'm used to waking up alone He would just tell him. And if you think about it/anyone you think about is a better love than me
BONUS TRACK
Dominic opened the door. If I could give all my love to you He watched as Elijah turned towards the unexpected noise. I could justify myself Wordlessly he tried to put all of the things he couldn't bring himself to say out loud into his eyes, hoping Elijah would see and understand. but I'm just not coming through Understand and accept.
Elijah gazed at Dominic. You're a pill to ease the pain He saw something in his face, in the set of his shoulders, in the way one of his hands unconsciously lifted, the fingers slightly extended towards him, entreating, but not quite saying, not quite asking. of all the stupid things I do
I'm an anchor on the line Dominic couldn't move. of a clock that tells the time He saw something in Elijah's eyes. That is running out on you. Something hardened. Well it was cold when I woke But at the same time, something softened. and the day was halfway done Weakened.
Elijah couldn't seem to get enough air in his lungs. Nearly spring in San Francisco His chest felt too tight. Here was an offer. but I cannot feel the sun But could he bring himself to accept?
You were sleeping next to me Dominic knew he was asking too much. but I knew that you'd be gone Asking all the wrong questions. Take some time before you go But he was tired of waiting. think of monday's coming down Tired of playing silly games. and the people that you knew Tired of Elijah acting this way. The ones that aren't around Foolish. Tearing himself down. Tearing himself apart. you've been fading day to day
I've been moving town to town Elijah couldn't bring himself to speak. If I could give all my love to you He was afraid of what he would say. I could justify myself What he could say. but I'm just not coming through. What he couldn't say. You're a pill to ease the pain What this could become. of all the stupid things I do How he could fuck it up.
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