ext_181235 (![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png)
dani-grl4.livejournal.com) wrote in ![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png)
fellowshippers2004-07-01 10:12 pm
dani-grl4.livejournal.com) wrote in fellowshippers2004-07-01 10:12 pm
If I Die (chapter 16)
Title: If I Die
Author:![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
dani_grl4
Pairing: Dom/Billy
Rating: R for swearing
Disclaimer: So glad this isn’t true.
Feedback: Is very appreciated. Okay I’m a hor! for it. Smooches to all those who have given such lovely feedback so far.
Warning: Angst. As ever, despite the title, there is no death.
Summary: Billy and Dom go to therapy.
A/N: Love, hugs and cookies to my friend and betacanciona who gets more excited when I send her a completed chapter than anyone I know. You’d think I was sending her cash y’all ;)
Prologue, Part 1 / Part 2 / Part 3 / Part 4 / Part 5 / Part 6 / Part 7 / Part 8 / Part 9a / Part 9b / Part 10 / Part 11 / Part 12 / Part 13 / Part 14 / Part 15
Chapter 16
Nothing is either as bad or as good as it seems. Dominic had come across this quote somewhere before, although he can’t quite recall where at the moment. What he does remember though, is when he read it he wholeheartedly believed it to be true. Euphoria never lasts and sadness eventually dulls. Anger always dissolves and hell, even the high of being in love fades away. Or so Dominic used to think.
Now he reckons the sadness he feels at this moment will always be with him. The anger towards Billy’s kidnappers, God and the Universe in general continues to grow. And one thing he’s certain of – his love for Billy hasn’t faded in the least. He first realised just how in love he still is the night that Billy was kidnapped. And from then on he’s vowed never to let that feeling fade. To never take it for granted. Even the euphoria he experienced the moment he heard Billy was alive still fills his heart when he thinks about it.
“It just seems to me that we shouldn’t really go there, y’know? For awhile, anyway.” Dom could swear he did not hear Billy speaking at all before now, but it appears Billy’s been having a whole conversation with him.
“I’m sorry, Billy.” Dom looks over apologetically as he negotiates a merge onto the highway. “What?”
Billy crinkles his brow at Dom. “What were you thinking about? I was saying I don’t think we should feel pressure to discuss with each other what we say to our therapists today, that’s all.”
“Yeah, that’s fine, Bills. I agree. Makes sense.” Dom checks his rear-view mirror.
“Dom, stop driving like my bloody grandmother and get on with it,” Billy says, slightly confused.
“No harm in being safe, is there?”
“One, we’re not going to die, Dom, if you actually attain the speed limit. And two, making us late for our appointments is a passive-aggressive way to avoid the inevitable.”
“You think you’re so smart. Maybe I just don’t want to join the masses of insane drivers in L.A. Ever think of that, eh?” Dom turns his chin up defiantly, knowing damn well Billy couldn’t be more right about what he’s doing.
“Dom? Just drive.” Billy turns his head towards his window so Dom can’t see him smile.
Dom feels like he did when he was a child and his mum would bring him to the paediatrician for his check-ups.
Go on, Dominic. Mummy will be here when you’re finished.
True to her word, Dom had to give her credit, she always was there and she always gave him a sweet to show him what a brave boy he’d been. She would gather him in her arms, kiss the top of his head and say, ‘Now, that wasn’t so bad, was it, love?’ And each time Dom had to go in to see that doctor he did imagine it was going to be a lot worse than it actually turned out to be in the end.
Nothing is either as bad or as good as it seems.
Yes, that used to be true indeed.
*
Billy hates doctors. He doesn’t trust them. Hasn’t done since he realised as a young adolescent that doctors are not actually Gods; they cannot fix everything and sometimes, they let people down.
Like him. Like his parents.
He’d gotten on with the doctors alright when he’d been rescued and brought to hospital. Of course, they gave him lots of lovely drugs and stopped the pain, and that was all that mattered. But now, here he was to relive the pain – a different kind of pain this time – and it just didn’t feel right. Were it up to him, he likely would have gone ahead with his life and buried this experience deep, deep inside. But this isn’t just about him. Other people’s feelings are at stake; people who love him – people who would die for him – stand to get hurt if he isn’t well. And for the first time in his life, Billy doesn’t know how to cope. He doesn’t know how long he can smile before the memories of what happened come crashing down around him and take over his life; his happiness.
So Billy’s here and he can’t afford to be let down again.
“Don’t worry, Billy. I’ll be here when you’re finished.” Dom’s reassuring smile is the last thing Billy sees before he disappears behind the door.
*
“Sorry, am I meant to lie down on the couch?”
“It’s up to you, Dominic. Wherever you feel most comfortable.”
“It’s just Dom. My mum calls me ‘Dominic’ and Billy does, sometimes, though usually when he’s being very serious. I never call him ‘William’ though; maybe I’ll save that for when I really want his attention. I don’t’ think I will lie down. I’m more comfortable in the chair. Very nice, this. Leather.”
“Thank you. Well if you’re comfortable, why don’t we start. We can begin by talking about why you’re here today.”
“We’re just going to – start?”
“Well, we can chat if you like, Dom, but as you’re paying to be here I think maybe there are more important things on your mind that we could spend our time discussing.”
“I’m sorry, I’m shite at this – oh, sorry – I mean, I’m not good at this. I’ve never been to a shrink before. Is it okay to call you that? You know what I mean; I’ve never been to a psychiatrist before.”
“That’s fine, Dom. I want you to be completely relaxed and comfortable in talking with me. Take your time.”
*
“Have a seat. How are you feeling today, Billy?”
“Ehm, alright I guess. I just came from a check-up with my doctor. Got my cast off, got some medication to help me sleep. Nothing too powerful though. I don’t like the loss of control the other medication was causing.”
“And how are you feeling emotionally?”
“I don’t know really. There’s so much going on. Everyone’s being really supportive, which is great. But I wonder what it will be like when life has to go back to its old routine, as it were.”
“Are you afraid you’ll lose the support you’re getting now?”
“No, never. I trust the people in my life to be here for me. It’s just that, once the chaos dies down, I just – well I’m afraid I’ll have more time to think about what happened. Like all the memories will come flooding in at once. That scares me.”
“You mentioned not feeling comfortable with a loss of control. How do you think you’ll cope if that happens?”
“I don’t know. That’s the problem. I guess I would have said I will rely mostly on Dom to get me through. But I don’t know that I can do that to him.”
“Don’t you think he would want to help you through this?”
“Of course he will. And he would help me; he’d do anything for me. But it’s hurting him more than I expected, I guess. I’m worried about him a lot. The more he tries to be strong for me, the weaker it makes him. The less he’s able to deal with his own emotions. I don’t want him to suffer.”
“That’s understandable, Billy. And I think in reality you will be helping each other. It’s not just him helping you. I would bet he relies on you to help him as well – he needs you too. But you have to make sure that you have a safe environment in which to heal yourself. There are issues you’re going to have to face for a long time to come and we need to figure out the best way for you to come to terms with your kidnapping.”
“But Dom is such a big part of my life. There’s no way I can just concentrate on myself here. I have to figure out how I am going to cope and how I am going to help him through. There is no other option.”
*
“Do you ever wish you could have traded places with Billy?”
“It only seems fair.”
“But then he would be going through exactly what you’re going through now. Would you want Billy to feel that kind of pain?”
“That’s the same thing Detective McNamara said to me. I would imagine what I’m going through is not nearly as bad as what Billy’s feeling.”
“I wouldn’t be so sure about that, Dom.”
“The detective said that too.”
“Sounds like Detective McNamara is in the wrong profession.”
“Ha! I’ll tell him you said that. No, he’s good at what he does. Of all the policemen and FBI agents I had to talk to, he was my favourite. So supportive. I’ll always remember him.”
“Do you miss having supportive people around?”
“How do you mean?”
“Do you feel that now that Billy’s back, people aren’t as concerned about you as they were?”
“No. Absolutely not. I have my friends, my family. Especially Elijah. I wouldn’t be here if it wasn’t for him. He saved my life. I have Billy, but really I have to be the supportive one there. When I need to talk I’ll go to Elijah if I think Billy can’t handle it.”
“How do you mean he saved your life? Figuratively?”
“And literally.”
“How so?”
“When Billy was missing there was one night that was really bad. Really bad. I did something very stupid. I cut myself. I had to go to hospital.”
“Did you want to die, Dom?”
“I did. I didn’t tell Lij – he would have freaked. I lied to him, and I lied to Billy. I told them both that I just wanted to feel something and that it was a mistake. But I wanted to die, definitely, that night I wanted to die.”
*
“I think one of my biggest concerns is how Dom reacted when he found out that I was touched, sexually. I don’t think he expected that.”
“Why don’t we talk about how you feel about it first?”
“What? How I feel about that bloody bastard putting his filthy hands on me? I feel disgusting. I feel like I betrayed Dom.”
“Are you worried that Dom will look at you differently now that he knows what happened?”
“I don’t know. Yes, I guess in a way I’m scared he won’t want me anymore. I mean, it was weeks after I came home that he even let me hug him properly.”
“You know, Billy, you haven’t betrayed Dom. You didn’t have a choice in the matter. Your life was on the line. You couldn’t have stopped him from touching you. You didn’t have control.”
“I made the decision not to fight back. I know that was the right decision. But still, a part of me feels like I could have fought. Stopped it. Something.”
“Do you want Dom to touch you sexually?”
“I think so. I know I want to be close to him again. I miss that. I think we need it. Need something to reconnect. Words aren’t enough sometimes.”
*
“You said it’s only fair that you trade places with Billy. Why do you say that?”
“Billy didn’t deserve what happened to him. He is the kindest, sweetest person I know.”
“And you think you deserve to have been treated that way?”
“No. But I would rather it had been me. I can’t stand the thought of someone hurting him that way, for so long. They beat him so badly. They humiliated him, tortured him…”
“Dom, take your time.”
“I’m sorry. I just- I’m sorry.”
“It is okay to cry in this office, Dom. Go ahead, I will still be here.”
*
“Tell me about how you were rescued.”
“It wouldn’t have happened without April’s help. She was the girlfriend of one of the men there. I think, not the one that molested me, but the other one. The quieter one.”
“Why do you think she decided to help you?”
“I’m not sure, really. I think she felt really guilty about what the blokes were doing to me. She wasn’t a part of it, she was just there. I think she struggled with it a lot, but in the end, I owe my life to her. And now she’s in a coma because she helped me. But they were getting desperate at the end. Probably would have killed me.”
“Did you always think you were going to die in there?”
“No. It varied. Some days I thought I was going to die. Some days I wanted to die rather than be tied up like that. But towards the end, things changed. I could feel it. They wanted to get rid of me. I think I realised it when April let me write a letter to Dom.”
“What did the letter say?”
Silence
“Billy?”
Silence
“Billy? Here, have a tissue.”
Dom leaves first and decides to wait out by the car for Billy to finish. He flicks the edges of his appointment card, sitting on the bonnet of their car as the bright afternoon sun beats down on him. It feels warm and enveloping and for a while, he thinks, maybe with some luck he can do this.
He looks up to see Billy walking slowly towards him, shoulders slumped, eyes red-rimmed and bright. He doesn’t say anything to Dom, but simply lets himself be held very close.
“That was – hard.” Billy finally says when he pulls away, wiping his face.
“I know, love. Did you make another appointment?”
“Aye.”
Dom looks into Billy’s eyes, wiping away one last tear with the back of his hand as it glides down his cheek.
“Me too. I think it will get easier. Maybe.” Dom shrugs his shoulders, no longer sure anymore, seeing Billy so upset.
Billy gently brings Dom’s face to his own and kisses him. The kiss is tender and sweet, but Dom vaguely recognises need and passion mixed in there as well. When Billy pulls away his eyes are still bright, but no longer sad.
“Dominic? Take me home.”
Author:
dani_grl4Pairing: Dom/Billy
Rating: R for swearing
Disclaimer: So glad this isn’t true.
Feedback: Is very appreciated. Okay I’m a hor! for it. Smooches to all those who have given such lovely feedback so far.
Warning: Angst. As ever, despite the title, there is no death.
Summary: Billy and Dom go to therapy.
A/N: Love, hugs and cookies to my friend and beta
canciona who gets more excited when I send her a completed chapter than anyone I know. You’d think I was sending her cash y’all ;)Prologue, Part 1 / Part 2 / Part 3 / Part 4 / Part 5 / Part 6 / Part 7 / Part 8 / Part 9a / Part 9b / Part 10 / Part 11 / Part 12 / Part 13 / Part 14 / Part 15
Chapter 16
Nothing is either as bad or as good as it seems. Dominic had come across this quote somewhere before, although he can’t quite recall where at the moment. What he does remember though, is when he read it he wholeheartedly believed it to be true. Euphoria never lasts and sadness eventually dulls. Anger always dissolves and hell, even the high of being in love fades away. Or so Dominic used to think.
Now he reckons the sadness he feels at this moment will always be with him. The anger towards Billy’s kidnappers, God and the Universe in general continues to grow. And one thing he’s certain of – his love for Billy hasn’t faded in the least. He first realised just how in love he still is the night that Billy was kidnapped. And from then on he’s vowed never to let that feeling fade. To never take it for granted. Even the euphoria he experienced the moment he heard Billy was alive still fills his heart when he thinks about it.
“It just seems to me that we shouldn’t really go there, y’know? For awhile, anyway.” Dom could swear he did not hear Billy speaking at all before now, but it appears Billy’s been having a whole conversation with him.
“I’m sorry, Billy.” Dom looks over apologetically as he negotiates a merge onto the highway. “What?”
Billy crinkles his brow at Dom. “What were you thinking about? I was saying I don’t think we should feel pressure to discuss with each other what we say to our therapists today, that’s all.”
“Yeah, that’s fine, Bills. I agree. Makes sense.” Dom checks his rear-view mirror.
“Dom, stop driving like my bloody grandmother and get on with it,” Billy says, slightly confused.
“No harm in being safe, is there?”
“One, we’re not going to die, Dom, if you actually attain the speed limit. And two, making us late for our appointments is a passive-aggressive way to avoid the inevitable.”
“You think you’re so smart. Maybe I just don’t want to join the masses of insane drivers in L.A. Ever think of that, eh?” Dom turns his chin up defiantly, knowing damn well Billy couldn’t be more right about what he’s doing.
“Dom? Just drive.” Billy turns his head towards his window so Dom can’t see him smile.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~~*~*~*~*~
Dom feels like he did when he was a child and his mum would bring him to the paediatrician for his check-ups.
Go on, Dominic. Mummy will be here when you’re finished.
True to her word, Dom had to give her credit, she always was there and she always gave him a sweet to show him what a brave boy he’d been. She would gather him in her arms, kiss the top of his head and say, ‘Now, that wasn’t so bad, was it, love?’ And each time Dom had to go in to see that doctor he did imagine it was going to be a lot worse than it actually turned out to be in the end.
Nothing is either as bad or as good as it seems.
Yes, that used to be true indeed.
*
Billy hates doctors. He doesn’t trust them. Hasn’t done since he realised as a young adolescent that doctors are not actually Gods; they cannot fix everything and sometimes, they let people down.
Like him. Like his parents.
He’d gotten on with the doctors alright when he’d been rescued and brought to hospital. Of course, they gave him lots of lovely drugs and stopped the pain, and that was all that mattered. But now, here he was to relive the pain – a different kind of pain this time – and it just didn’t feel right. Were it up to him, he likely would have gone ahead with his life and buried this experience deep, deep inside. But this isn’t just about him. Other people’s feelings are at stake; people who love him – people who would die for him – stand to get hurt if he isn’t well. And for the first time in his life, Billy doesn’t know how to cope. He doesn’t know how long he can smile before the memories of what happened come crashing down around him and take over his life; his happiness.
So Billy’s here and he can’t afford to be let down again.
“Don’t worry, Billy. I’ll be here when you’re finished.” Dom’s reassuring smile is the last thing Billy sees before he disappears behind the door.
*
“Sorry, am I meant to lie down on the couch?”
“It’s up to you, Dominic. Wherever you feel most comfortable.”
“It’s just Dom. My mum calls me ‘Dominic’ and Billy does, sometimes, though usually when he’s being very serious. I never call him ‘William’ though; maybe I’ll save that for when I really want his attention. I don’t’ think I will lie down. I’m more comfortable in the chair. Very nice, this. Leather.”
“Thank you. Well if you’re comfortable, why don’t we start. We can begin by talking about why you’re here today.”
“We’re just going to – start?”
“Well, we can chat if you like, Dom, but as you’re paying to be here I think maybe there are more important things on your mind that we could spend our time discussing.”
“I’m sorry, I’m shite at this – oh, sorry – I mean, I’m not good at this. I’ve never been to a shrink before. Is it okay to call you that? You know what I mean; I’ve never been to a psychiatrist before.”
“That’s fine, Dom. I want you to be completely relaxed and comfortable in talking with me. Take your time.”
*
“Have a seat. How are you feeling today, Billy?”
“Ehm, alright I guess. I just came from a check-up with my doctor. Got my cast off, got some medication to help me sleep. Nothing too powerful though. I don’t like the loss of control the other medication was causing.”
“And how are you feeling emotionally?”
“I don’t know really. There’s so much going on. Everyone’s being really supportive, which is great. But I wonder what it will be like when life has to go back to its old routine, as it were.”
“Are you afraid you’ll lose the support you’re getting now?”
“No, never. I trust the people in my life to be here for me. It’s just that, once the chaos dies down, I just – well I’m afraid I’ll have more time to think about what happened. Like all the memories will come flooding in at once. That scares me.”
“You mentioned not feeling comfortable with a loss of control. How do you think you’ll cope if that happens?”
“I don’t know. That’s the problem. I guess I would have said I will rely mostly on Dom to get me through. But I don’t know that I can do that to him.”
“Don’t you think he would want to help you through this?”
“Of course he will. And he would help me; he’d do anything for me. But it’s hurting him more than I expected, I guess. I’m worried about him a lot. The more he tries to be strong for me, the weaker it makes him. The less he’s able to deal with his own emotions. I don’t want him to suffer.”
“That’s understandable, Billy. And I think in reality you will be helping each other. It’s not just him helping you. I would bet he relies on you to help him as well – he needs you too. But you have to make sure that you have a safe environment in which to heal yourself. There are issues you’re going to have to face for a long time to come and we need to figure out the best way for you to come to terms with your kidnapping.”
“But Dom is such a big part of my life. There’s no way I can just concentrate on myself here. I have to figure out how I am going to cope and how I am going to help him through. There is no other option.”
*
“Do you ever wish you could have traded places with Billy?”
“It only seems fair.”
“But then he would be going through exactly what you’re going through now. Would you want Billy to feel that kind of pain?”
“That’s the same thing Detective McNamara said to me. I would imagine what I’m going through is not nearly as bad as what Billy’s feeling.”
“I wouldn’t be so sure about that, Dom.”
“The detective said that too.”
“Sounds like Detective McNamara is in the wrong profession.”
“Ha! I’ll tell him you said that. No, he’s good at what he does. Of all the policemen and FBI agents I had to talk to, he was my favourite. So supportive. I’ll always remember him.”
“Do you miss having supportive people around?”
“How do you mean?”
“Do you feel that now that Billy’s back, people aren’t as concerned about you as they were?”
“No. Absolutely not. I have my friends, my family. Especially Elijah. I wouldn’t be here if it wasn’t for him. He saved my life. I have Billy, but really I have to be the supportive one there. When I need to talk I’ll go to Elijah if I think Billy can’t handle it.”
“How do you mean he saved your life? Figuratively?”
“And literally.”
“How so?”
“When Billy was missing there was one night that was really bad. Really bad. I did something very stupid. I cut myself. I had to go to hospital.”
“Did you want to die, Dom?”
“I did. I didn’t tell Lij – he would have freaked. I lied to him, and I lied to Billy. I told them both that I just wanted to feel something and that it was a mistake. But I wanted to die, definitely, that night I wanted to die.”
*
“I think one of my biggest concerns is how Dom reacted when he found out that I was touched, sexually. I don’t think he expected that.”
“Why don’t we talk about how you feel about it first?”
“What? How I feel about that bloody bastard putting his filthy hands on me? I feel disgusting. I feel like I betrayed Dom.”
“Are you worried that Dom will look at you differently now that he knows what happened?”
“I don’t know. Yes, I guess in a way I’m scared he won’t want me anymore. I mean, it was weeks after I came home that he even let me hug him properly.”
“You know, Billy, you haven’t betrayed Dom. You didn’t have a choice in the matter. Your life was on the line. You couldn’t have stopped him from touching you. You didn’t have control.”
“I made the decision not to fight back. I know that was the right decision. But still, a part of me feels like I could have fought. Stopped it. Something.”
“Do you want Dom to touch you sexually?”
“I think so. I know I want to be close to him again. I miss that. I think we need it. Need something to reconnect. Words aren’t enough sometimes.”
*
“You said it’s only fair that you trade places with Billy. Why do you say that?”
“Billy didn’t deserve what happened to him. He is the kindest, sweetest person I know.”
“And you think you deserve to have been treated that way?”
“No. But I would rather it had been me. I can’t stand the thought of someone hurting him that way, for so long. They beat him so badly. They humiliated him, tortured him…”
“Dom, take your time.”
“I’m sorry. I just- I’m sorry.”
“It is okay to cry in this office, Dom. Go ahead, I will still be here.”
*
“Tell me about how you were rescued.”
“It wouldn’t have happened without April’s help. She was the girlfriend of one of the men there. I think, not the one that molested me, but the other one. The quieter one.”
“Why do you think she decided to help you?”
“I’m not sure, really. I think she felt really guilty about what the blokes were doing to me. She wasn’t a part of it, she was just there. I think she struggled with it a lot, but in the end, I owe my life to her. And now she’s in a coma because she helped me. But they were getting desperate at the end. Probably would have killed me.”
“Did you always think you were going to die in there?”
“No. It varied. Some days I thought I was going to die. Some days I wanted to die rather than be tied up like that. But towards the end, things changed. I could feel it. They wanted to get rid of me. I think I realised it when April let me write a letter to Dom.”
“What did the letter say?”
Silence
“Billy?”
Silence
“Billy? Here, have a tissue.”
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Dom leaves first and decides to wait out by the car for Billy to finish. He flicks the edges of his appointment card, sitting on the bonnet of their car as the bright afternoon sun beats down on him. It feels warm and enveloping and for a while, he thinks, maybe with some luck he can do this.
He looks up to see Billy walking slowly towards him, shoulders slumped, eyes red-rimmed and bright. He doesn’t say anything to Dom, but simply lets himself be held very close.
“That was – hard.” Billy finally says when he pulls away, wiping his face.
“I know, love. Did you make another appointment?”
“Aye.”
Dom looks into Billy’s eyes, wiping away one last tear with the back of his hand as it glides down his cheek.
“Me too. I think it will get easier. Maybe.” Dom shrugs his shoulders, no longer sure anymore, seeing Billy so upset.
Billy gently brings Dom’s face to his own and kisses him. The kiss is tender and sweet, but Dom vaguely recognises need and passion mixed in there as well. When Billy pulls away his eyes are still bright, but no longer sad.
“Dominic? Take me home.”
no subject
I peeked a tiny bit of healing there!!!
GOOD!!
Oh the sweet boys!!
So good!
I love how you are doing this!
no subject
no subject
it came quicker than you thought!!! *is glad*
*hugs you*
Love IT!!!
no subject
So happy you liked it! Thanks for commenting.
*hugs you back*
no subject
Its my pleasure reading!
Love Tara
no subject
Everything fell into place nicely
Great Job!!!
Stacy
no subject
Thanks again,
~Dani~