The Wood-Monaghans chapter 11

[prreciousss.livejournal.com]

Title: Until we meet again...
Author: prreciousss
Series: The Wood-Monaghans
Pairing: Dominic/Elijah
Rating: R for non-graphic sex
Webpage: http://www.geocities.com/woodmonaghan
Note: Thanks to ladysunrope who did a great BETA and to Salogel who is the co-writer.


It seemed impossible to think of normal things after Jamie's death; bills, cleaning the house, watering the plants or even eating.

Dominic was around during the day, helping out as Elijah was walking around in his own world of grief. He tried to be the strong one, but Elijah didn't speak to him unless necessary and wouldn't let him comfort him when he was crying, which he only did when Sian wasn't watching. So Dominic became a bit of a maid for a while, cooking and cleaning, trying to be there for the one daughter he had left and for his husband- as much as he was allowed to be there. But every evening after Sian was tucked into bed, Dominic would get in his car and drive back in tears to his flat. He wouldn't let himself lose control in front of Elijah or Sian- it was all released once he had left. When he returned to the flat he would sit on the balcony with a glass of wine and just think. They had a funeral to plan. Fuck, how could they possibly think of that right now? It had to be done though. He knew that. He would try to take it up with Elijah tomorrow.

"Elijah?" Dominic said as Elijah was sitting on the sofa, biting his nails and staring into space. Elijah mumbled in response, but shot Dominic a glare as he was about to sit down next to him. Deciding to stand, Dominic tried to find a way to reach him.
"We need to talk... about the funeral."
Elijah didn't say anything.
"El-"
"I fucking heard you, okay? Not NOW!" Elijah snapped.
"It's been four days...we have to sort this out......" Dominic sighed. He understood Elijah's feelings but what choice was there?
Elijah flew up from the sofa, giving Dominic a murderous look.
"Well, I'm so sorry that unlike you I'm actually grieving my daughter! In case you hadn't noticed - SHE'S DEAD!"
Dominic was stunned by the violent comment. "Of- of course I know... I was there... I grieve too..."
"You haven't even cried for her!" Elijah hissed.
"I don't do it in front of you... I have to be strong..."
"Strong? Don't you find that fucking ironic? Do you think it was strength that made you fuck someone else? No, Dom! It was WEAKNESS! Fucking weakness! So don't fucking tell me you're strong!"
That was the end of the conversation as Elijah went in to the bedroom and slammed the door.

It took several days of gentle pressure from the funeral director - "We really have to get matters underway, Mr Monaghan" - before Dominic dared to bring it up again.
Again, Elijah just avoided it responding with: "I'm not feeling very well- can we do it later?" Later never came.

But eventually it just had to be done and Elijah freaked. He'd had hardly any sleep, practically nothing to eat and was holding what looked like the second glass of wine. He wouldn't listen so finding no other way, Dominic took Sian next door to stay with Mrs Morgan.
When he returned to the house, Elijah was sitting on the floor, eyes swollen and the glass of wine knocked over, the liquid creating a red stream between the tiles. Elijah sighed in utter defeat as Dominic slumped down next to him. Very cautiously Dominic put a hand on Elijah's shoulder and when it wasn't shrugged off he moved it over his back until his arm was around him. With another sigh Elijah turned to Dominic and buried his face in his shoulder.

Very soon Dominic heard sobs and could feel Elijah's body shaking. The sobs were heart rendingly full of pain and loss. He stroked the crying man's back gently in attempt to comfort him and he kissed his head. He spoke softly,
"We've lost our daughter, I know it's unfair...it hurts..."
For a moment Dominic wondered if he had not lost a husband too because his words were swept away by the rising sound of Elijah's sobs.
"Ssh...no..O God, Elijah..." He kissed Elijah's forehead.
He barely had time to think as Elijah moved his head up to Dominic's and pressed his lips against his. Dominic was startled at first, wondering if this was right, but then realised that it was. Even if Elijah sought affection because of grief, and because he wanted to forget the pain and sadness for just a moment, it was still right and honest. Sometimes making love could be the only thing reminding you that you were still alive, and both of them needed some memory of a time when there was no pain. Dominic responded to the warm, yet rather desperate kiss and with the slightest movement Elijah was straddling his thighs, fingers fumbling with his shirt. They both knew this wasn't for the sex- it was for intimacy, comfort, it was a way to pretend that things were back to normal - that everything was right.

Dominic let Elijah take the control he needed and found himself on his back on the floor. He made sure he captured this moment and took and gave as many kisses as he could and Elijah was generous with them, spreading them out everywhere as he thrust urgently into Dominic's body. It was surprising how long they managed to last, but eventually orgasm came and they were naked, tangled up on the floor, just catching their breath and trying to avoid letting reality return.

After a while Elijah managed to collect himself enough to look at the man next to him, but seeing the pain in Elijah's eyes Dominic wanted him to turn away again. If he was going to stay strong, he needed to shut that out. He very easily cried when friends or family were in pain- but he couldn't do that now- he wouldn't let himself. The next few words from Elijah's mouth broke through his barrier:
"I miss her".
Three words full of all the emotions they were both feeling, longing, love, pain, sadness, guilt, confusion, anger. Dominic swallowed hard.
"So do I, Elijah- not a second goes by that I don't think about her."
Elijah sat up, clasped his hands in what looked like a prayer, resting on his bent knees. This is what his eyes were locked on now- he wasn't facing Dominic anymore.
"I feel so alone-" he continued, bringing up his feelings as if they were chapter titles in a book and he wanted Dominic to fill the page with meaning- with an explanation to the name.

Dominic was silent for a long time, trying to find the right words, but then he simply told him the truth.
"You're not alone, Elijah. You have Sian, she needs you now more than ever."
There was a pause of hesitation.
"And you have me," he finished.
Elijah slowly moved his eyes back to Dominic who wasn't sure if he should look away before it was too late or if he should face the impact of the blue hurricane of emotions again. He stuck with the latter as it seemed to be the right thing to do when he was finally in a situation he had wished for- where he was talking to Elijah and Elijah wasn't looking at him as if he had leprosy. Without words Dominic put a palm against Elijah's wet cheek and wiped off the wetness from under his eye with the thumb.
"I know that now is not the right time to think about us, but I'm asking you not to avoid me. Sian needs us- she's lost a soul mate and we are the only ones she can turn to. She's going back to school on Monday, we have to make it easier for her- not harder."
Elijah nodded, almost looking a bit ashamed for neglecting Sian, and then covered Dominic's hand with his own, leaned against him and closed his eyes.
Dominic waited till he fell asleep and carried him to his own room.
As he left he knew they would probably have this moment of pretence and then forget it ever happened.

The next day Elijah agreed to meet the funeral director who would help them make the arrangements.
Some of the decisions were surprisingly easy. Of course Jamie would be buried where she had been baptized with the same priest handling the funeral. It would be after Dominic's birthday and only close friends and family would be invited. The rest was a bit more difficult as they had to agree on a stone, a casket, the music and how the service would be in general.

After having received so many cards of condolences lately they were relieved when the director said he would inform mourners of the arrangements. Still, there were some that needed a more personal touch. When Dominic rang Billy he realised how much he had missed him and how long it had been since they last spoke. A call about the funeral turned into a three hour conversation that reminded Dominic of what friendship meant, all though Dominic didn't tell him everything. He didn't tell him that he and Elijah had been together that one time. It was as though he felt a bit guilty for having done it at a time like this, but then he told himself again that it was completely normal to crave that intimacy from someone familiar in times of despair.

Dominic couldn't wait for the funeral to be over so he wouldn't have to hear another "I'm sorry for your loss", "My condolences", or the worst of all: "She was always such a bright child". He knew she was bright, he had been there when Jamie had laughed or cried- he'd been there when she took her first steps, when she said her first word, he had been there when she had begun to refuse food -he was just so busy with himself to notice, a feeling that made him go hot with shame - and he had been there when she died. He had yet to forgive himself for not having been there when she was so sick- he had lost his chance to see her awake before she left.

Dominic's birthday came, but he didn't really pay it a lot of attention. Sian had made him a friendship bracelet, something that had moved him to tears because that meant at least Sian wasn’t angry with him. Elijah's inner struggle on the decision to get Dominic something despite everything had ended. Not having the strength to go out to find a present he found it online- a leather-bound diary for next year for having been there and for having helped Elijah. Other than that Dominic had received a few presents from overseas friends. Mrs. Morgan came over with a home baked blueberry pie and custard. Dominic could remember worse birthdays, but the funeral was still on his mind- he constantly went over everything in his head to make sure they hadn't forgotten anything and he was worrying that something would go wrong.

A few days before the funeral people started flying in from the USA, England, Scotland, Germany and Australia- some like Jamie's distraught grandparents took to hotels, some stayed with friends and others (like Billy and Alison with kids) had holiday homes they lodged in. When Dominic heard that Billy had arrived he went over there right away and didn't return to his flat until it was past midnight and he was drunk enough to fall asleep without thinking, which usually kept him awake. Three days 'till the funeral.

The day finally arrived- it was time for everybody's last good-bye to Jamie. They had decided to hold the service outside. Since the funeral was planned in Jamie's spirit they had decided to try and keep the sadness to a minimum if they could. They wanted it to be a "until we meet again" moment, rather than a "farewell" moment.

Everyone invited was gathered around Jamie's final resting place, which was designed to eventually become a family grave. The sun was high on the sky and while the priest was talking Dominic's mind wandered. He noticed that even though nobody had broken the dress code, none of them had dared to dress too brightly, Dominic was wearing a light grey suit and a purple tie against his white shirt while Elijah's suit was a tan-ish/light brown colour and he was wearing a blue tie- this made them and Sian who was wearing her favourite fuchsia dress the brightest dressed people there. He thought Jamie would have liked that.

Watching the casket sinking into the hole in the ground was difficult. Dominic and Elijah both tried not to think about who was in it, who they were putting into the earth. It wasn't a healthy thought. When it was completely down people threw down flowers and then Elijah stepped up to the small pile of dirt next to the grave. Looking down at the light wooden casket, he picked up the tiny silver trowel and scooped up some of the earth with it. His eyes were locked on that as he began speaking. He had memorised a 6000-year-old prayer, but it was full of such emotion that it sounded like his own words.

"Where there is Eternal Light. In the world where the sun is placed.
In that immortal, imperishable world - place her, O God.

Where the King reigns. Where the secret place of Heaven is.
Wherefrom the mighty waters spring - make her immortal!

Where life is free. In the Third Heaven of Heavens.
Where the Worlds are radiant - there make her immortal!

Where wishes and desires dwell. Where the place of the Bright Being is.
Where the innocent reside - there make her immortal!

Where Light is born. Where the Elect of Heaven reign.
Where man is God's child again, O God of Gods - make her immortal!"

Dominic had noticed Elijah's struggle to keep the tears away, he noticed it on every word spoken, every syllable. When Elijah had finished he hesitated a second like Frodo had done when he was standing by the Crack of Doom. It was so final and it was an end nobody wanted to acknowledge. With a sigh he let the dirt fall and land with a thud on top of the wooden lid.
Dominic went up after him, held the earth and tried to find the words since he hadn't found a prayer or poem fit enough for the occasion. In the last minute he had decided to speak from the heart.

"When Jamie was born she cried just like all babies do, but the second she was placed in Elijah's arms she suddenly stopped. At first she looked very curious and then she broke into a big smile." Dominic swallowed.
"Everyone in the hospital said she was the happiest child they had ever seen and for the next two years she continued to spread joy and happiness around her- to me, to Elijah and to her best friend and sister, Sian. Now she's somewhere else, but she keeps spreading sunshine around her through the memories we all keep of her in our hearts. I can also smile because I know that we will see each other again- that it's not good-bye. We love you, Jamie, we will always think about you and you will always be in our hearts. Until we meet again..."

Dominic wiped away a tear and dropped the dirt- looking up to see a lot of wet eyes in the crowd. Sian hurried up to imitate her parents, but her words brought a lot more tears to the mourners than Dominic and Elijah's had. "I miss you, Jamie," she said shyly. "I will take your doll with me when we go to see you."
It brought realisation to people- it made them see what they hadn't wanted to see before- that the body of a young daughter and sister was lying in a wooden box in a damp, dark hole in the ground. It conjured images in their heads of the little girl playing with her sister- the sister who was now all alone- the sister who was now half.

There was a lingering silence. Dominic seeing the raw pain in Elijah's eyes, knowing some of it had come through him too, rested his hand on his arm. Elijah looked at that hand on his arm for what seemed like forever and then allowed it to stay there.
Dominic knew it was an acknowledgement that he was a part of Elijah's life..somewhere...somehow.