Fic: Surprise Me (EW/DM)

[unstealthy.livejournal.com]

Title: Surprise Me
Pairing: Dom/Elijah
Rating: PG-13 for language
Disclaimer: Never happened. Well, not like this, anyway.
Summary: Dom and Elijah watch Elijah on Leno. With added spice.
Notes: Response to this challenge in lotrpschallenge.


Surprise Me

They slumped hip to hip on the couch, feet on the table and knees in the air, beers in hand and a large bowl of chips on Elijah's stomach. Dom held the remote control and a piece of paper.

"OK, here goes," he said. "The Leno Challenge number 3, possibly the trickiest of all." He waved the sheet of paper. "Shall we review the criteria before we view the tape?"

"Shoot," Elijah said, and took a handful of chips.

"Number one. Do or say something you know will turn me on, but without making it obvious, obviously. Two. Mention me, but without following it by saying 'who was also in the movie'. That one was Billy's idea, by the way. Three. Surprise me. Say something I didn't know about you before."

"I have to hand it to you, Dom. This was my toughest challenge yet."

"And they must be in that order."

"You know we discuss what we're going to talk about before we record the interview."

"Of course, how else would you work these in?"

"Come on then, play the tape!"

"All right, keep your knickers on." Dom pressed 'play' with a flourish. "Let the games commence."

Cue Elijah silly-walking backstage

"Not terribly impressed so far," Dom said. "You know you can't get away with 'just walking in the room' as the response to Part One like you did last time."

"I know, I know, just wait."

Leno: My first guest: an extremely talented young actor, and a very nice young man, by the way. He starred in the academy award-winning best picture of the year: 'Lord of the Rings - the Return of the King'. Currently starring with Jim Carrey - dadada, how about that - in 'Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind' which opens next Friday, March 19th, please welcome Elijah Wood.

[audience screams, Elijah bounces in, shakes Leno's hand, has a discussion with Leno]

"Still waiting," Dom said, helping himself to chips.

Elijah smiled to himself.

Leno (quietening crowd): Hang on, what do you think?
Elijah: This is no way to start the show.
Leno: Good dancer or bad dancer?
[screams from audience, band plays music again and Elijah dances, thrusting his hips and swinging his arms]

Dom stared in disbelief.

"Oh, you devious bastard. I concede defeat." He put his hands over his face, let his head drop on to the back of the couch, and laughed, then turned to Elijah. "You devious fucking bastard." He pressed 'pause'.

"You know it."

"Although..." Dom took and ate another chip without taking his eyes off Elijah's face, "... I was far more turned on the other night when you did it naked, to a Barry White soundtrack."

Elijah giggled. "Watch some more. Come on, watch more."

"What are you so excited about?" Dom's eyes narrowed with suspicion.

"Nothing. Just press 'play', dude."

Elijah: My date was the 3 hobbits.
Leno: Oh really?
Elijah: The four of us went together.
Leno: Now that's not a contractual thing: you have to spend the rest of your life with the other hobbits?

Dom grinned. "Not a contractual obligation."

"Not at all. It's 'cause you're such a great shag."

"Believe it, baby."

E: I only went to one, and it was the fan party for the Lord of the Rings - theonering.net.
L: So what is that?
E: You don't know that?
L: No, so tell me about it. It's all fans?
E: Yeah, there's, like, 2,000 fans, something like that, at the American Legion Hall. They do it every year..

Dom pressed pause.

"Now you're just showing off. Just 'cos I couldn't remember the name of the venue when I was on Kilborn."

"Not showing off. Just proving my Orlando theory."

"Which is?"

"The hotter you look, the more of your brain function you lose. And you were pretty damn smoking on Kilborn."

"Oh fuck off."

"No, I'm serious. I jerk off to that video sometimes."

"You need to get out more."

Elijah giggled. "You are so going down, my friend."

"Is that a promise?"

"Might be. Now play the fucking tape."

L: One girl tried to slip me her phone number to give to you.
E: What?
L: Yeah... Actually, she was cute, too.
E: Say... whawhawhat... where?
L: But she was killed and taken out on a stretcher... (Elijah laughs)... Oh, there she is, there.
E: Where (points)? Was that you?
(cut to woman in audience beckoning and blowing kisses. Cut back to E who gets out of his chair and starts to walk towards her, then sits down again)
E: Thank you.
L (indicates E's chair): She snuck backstage and hid it in here.
E: (Looking down sides of chair) Is there a number in here?
L: No, it's not there, I... (Elijah hunting under the seat cushion) ... I took it and I gave it... (E sits down again) I gave it to some of the crew members...
E: Oh. (looks at woman) Sorry!
L: They're gonna call as you later, I hope you don't mind.
[E giggles]
L: Now tell me about Peter Jackson...

Dom paused the tape again.

"That was a prime opportunity to talk about women, missed again."

"God, all that wasn't enough?" Elijah scowled. "Unlike you, I don't feel the need to 'squash the gay rumours' at every available opportunity, Mr 'I Love American Chicks'." He felt genuinely put out, and pouted.

Dom nudged him. "Hey."

"Asshole."

"You'd better stop pouting if you don't want me to snog you senseless in the next thirty seconds."

"Fuck off."

"Aha! Very eloquent. Your own theory proved, my edible friend."

Elijah couldn't stay annoyed, and a slow grin spread across his face.

"And I'm still waiting for you to say my name, without the whole 'who was also in the film, played one of the other hobbits, Merry, you probably missed him because half his scenes were cut' thing."

"It's coming up. Press play."

Dom did so, and reached for a chip without taking his eyes off the TV. He missed the bowl and groped Elijah's crotch instead.

"Oops, sorry."

"That. Was deliberate."

"Never."

L: Now, he gave you a ring, right? It's the ring from the movie?
E: That's right, I didn't bring it with me. But I do have the One Ring. And its actually... There's kind of a funny story behind that. 'Cause Peter and Fran, his partner, gave me the One Ring when I was all finished with the film, and they kind of presented it to me, really beautiful, the proper thing for the Ringbearer to have.
L: Cool.

"What the fuck kind of lame question is that? 'He gave you the ring from the movie, right?' Doesn't everyone on the planet know about that? It's not like it's the first time he's ever interviewed you."

"You'll see in a minute."

E: Um... and then they gave a ring to Andy Serkis, who played Gollum, who's also a ringbearer, seeing as he went through a similar journey as Frodo. Right. Well, Dominic Monaghan goes on the Sharon Osbourne show, tells the story...

"Dominic Monaghan? Dominic Monaghan goes on Sharon Osbourne?"

Elijah looked at the ceiling. "Well. If I'd said Dom Monaghan I'd have had to follow it by explaining who you are. Which you'll notice I did with Andy. But not you."

"Yeah, whatever."

"That'll be number two successfully completed, then."

They fast-forwarded through the commercials, with Dom muttering about the upcoming 7-11 story and didn't everyone know about that by now, too.

E: The 7-11 story?
L: Yeah, what happened?
E: All right. Y'all ready for this? (giggles) Oh... Dominic Monaghan and I decided to have a drinking contest...

"Fuck! 'Dominic Monaghan and I'? Don't you think they'd know who I was by that point?"

"Just making sure."

"Bollocks."

"You're losing big, boyfriend."

"OK, up till now, but I still want to know what you can say about yourself on TV that I don't already know."

"And I want you to know that I have the chocolate spread ready in the microwave. 'Cause I'm planning on spending the rest of the night licking it off you when I win."

"This had better be good."

Dom pressed play.

L: Now, I'm very proud of you, 'cause the last time you were here... I used to tease you about living with your Mom...
E: Yes.
L: ...and you got an apartment, an apartment in New York...
E: Yes.
L: ...and I imagine this is all... is it all fixed up, are you in now?
E (looking at the floor): Um... (embarrassed laugh) Well, n.. um... yeah, well, it's the... the situation's kinda, er, changed slightly, um...
L: In what way?
E: I'm moving, I'm moving back to Los Angeles.
[screams from the audience]
L: What, you're moving back in with your Mom?
E: W.. um... yeah.

Dom was frozen, the empty beer bottle in his hand slipping to the floor, his other hand motionless in the bowl of chips.

"You're supposed to pause the tape, not yourself." Elijah picked up the remote and muted the TV.

"Did I just hear what I thought I heard?" Dom turned slowly to look at Elijah. "You're really moving back to LA?"

"Yep. And jeez, did I have the hardest time keeping it a secret from you." Elijah removed Dom's hand from the chips and put the bowl on the table. "The whole thing about living at my Mom's is the official story. Unofficially..." He played with Dom's fingers. "Unofficially, I was hoping you'd let me move in here, with you."

"I'm... I'm... Fuck. I don't know what to say."

Elijah looked worried. "I was kind of hoping you'd be pleased."

"Oh, god..." Dom pulled him into a bear hug. "'Pleased' doesn't even begin to go near what I'm feeling right now." He planted a noisy kiss on a giggling Elijah's forehead. "You win. I'm all yours. Do whatever you want with me. C'mere."

Elijah shifted so he was lying straddled across Dom. "Mmmm." The kiss was slow and deep, and Elijah wound his fingers in Dom's hair.

Without warning, Dom broke off the kiss and grabbed the remote, spluttering "Bloody hell!" He restored the sound, gesturing at the screen. "You're, like, 12 years old!"

Elijah pressed his face into Dom's neck as Dom watched the interview, breathing in Dom's scent and feeling him chuckle. Dom's fingers idly carded his hair, and Elijah decided that life really didn't get any better. He let out a long, satisfied sigh.

After a couple of minutes the sound went off again, and Dom tugged at Elijah till they were nose to nose.

"Now, where were we?" he said. "Ah yes... I was snogging you and you were getting entirely turned on by the experience."

"You think so?"

"When it comes to your body, mate, I'm a trained professional." He grinned. "Either that, or the enormous boner digging into my stomach gave it away."

Elijah giggled and pulled Dom's face to him for further snogging purposes.

"So..." Elijah murmured when they finally came up for air, "I can do whatever I like with you tonight?" He licked along Dom's jaw.

"Anything... Oh yeah, right there. Mmm. I should however... ah yes... point out at this stage that... fuck, that feels good... I'm going to make you come so hard you'll most likely go into orbit."

Elijah sat up. "Is that a promise?"

"Scout's honour."

Elijah was off the couch and running for the kitchen.

"Go to the bedroom and get naked. I'll fetch the chocolate spread."