The Best Laid Plans

[charlottemay.livejournal.com]

Title: The Best Laid Plans
Author: Charlotte May
Email:charlottemay43@hotmail.com
Rating: PG13
Pairing: Dom/Billy
Disclaimer: Not mine, never will be. I intend no disrespect to Dominic Monaghan or Billy Boyd
Feedback: Always welcome!
Summary: Elijah decides to get even with Dom, but things don’t go as planned.
Author’s notes: Remix of desire_billy's story “All Kinds of Friends” done for the Baby One More Time Dom and Billy Remix challenge. I’d like to thank her for giving me such an interesting plot to work with and for being so nice about the end result. {{hugs}}

Cross-posted to monaboyd, fellow_shippers and my lj.


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The Best Laid Plans

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“I walked into the living room without them noticing me – though given the circumstances I wasn’t really surprised. Dom’s shirt was half off, Billy was almost lying on top of him and they were rolling around on the floor. And Dom was making the weirdest noises.”

Elijah’s eyes widened at Viggo’s description. He didn’t know Billy and Dom were… He glanced at Orlando who grinned back. “Were they… er… you know?” asked Elijah.

“Very coherent, Doodle,” said Orlando with a laugh.

“No, they weren’t… ‘you know’,” replied Viggo, grinning. “I think they were having some kind of tickle fight, but to someone who didn’t know them, it wouldn’t have looked like that.”

“I suppose not,” agreed Orlando.

“So I couldn’t resist saying something about not knowing it was that kind of party and that I should have brought my whip.”

Elijah giggled. “What did they do when they realised you were there?”

“That was the real funny part. When I spoke, Dom jumped up like he’d been slapped and made a great show of shuddering and pulling his shirt down, like he was completely disgusted by the whole idea of him and Billy getting it on. I guess he was freaked by the idea that I thought he might be gay.”

“What did Billy do?” asked Orlando.

“He just sat on the floor looking kind of stunned.”

Elijah was aware of Orlando asking Viggo something else, but his mind had wandered. A germ of an idea had taken root. Something that would make up for the shaving foam in his trailer, the joke phone calls and every other indignity that Dominic Monaghan had heaped on him over the last few months.

***

Elijah had lain awake half the night working on his plan. Yes, he was going to get Dom good and proper. He was pretty happy with what he’d decided to do, but he needed a little help and walking across the studio parking lot he spotted just the man for the job.

“Orli, wait up!”

Orlando turned round, and smiled at Elijah. “It’ll have to be quick, Lij. I’m due in make-up in five minutes.”

“You know how Dom is always playing tricks on me?”

“Yes,” Orlando said slowly.

“I’ve had an idea to get my own back.”

Orlando raised an eyebrow. “Which is?”

“Remember what Viggo said about Dom freaking when Viggo walked in on him and Billy?”

“Of course.” Orlando glanced surrupticiously at his watch.

Ignoring Orlando’s impatience, Elijah carried on. “I’m going to pretend to be Billy and make like I’m coming on to him… somewhere public. Then see what he does.”

“Doodle, you’re insane.” Orlando rubbed his hand across his face. “Why do you need to pretend to be Billy? Why don’t *you* come on to him?”

Elijah was ready for this question, he’d thought of that himself, and, as far as he was concerned, there was a very good reason. “I don’t want him to think I mean it. If I pretend to be Billy he’ll know it’s a joke.”

Orlando gave him a long hard look. “Apart from being about the same height, you look nothing like Billy.”

“I’m not going to let him see me.”

“Okay, then.” Orlando shook his head in disbelief. “We’ll leave the logistics of ‘coming on to someone without them seeing you’ alone for now and I’ll point out that you’re from Iowa and Billy’s from Glasgow – you two couldn’t sound more different and still be speaking the same language.”

Elijah smiled hopefully at Orlando. “That’s why I’m telling you about this. I’d like you to help me learn to imitate Billy’s accent.” Orlando stared doubtfully at Elijah. “You can do a Scottish accent, can’t you, Orli?”

Orlando sighed wearily. “Och aye.”

“Can I come round to your place tonight?” asked Elijah.

“What’s the rush?”

“I’m thinking of springing my little surprise on Friday when we go the club.” At Orlando’s dubious look, Elijah offered a little more explanation. “I’m thinking I could get behind him on the dance floor, then I could talk to him and he wouldn’t see me.”

“Unless he turns round, you wanker.” Orlando was beginning to sound exasperated.

Elijah smiled back brightly. “I’ll just have to make sure he doesn’t, won’t I?” He suddenly realised that Orli hadn’t said ‘yes’ yet. “You will help me, won’t you?” he pleaded. “It’ll be so worth it to see the look on Dom’s face when he realises he’s been tricked.”

“All right, then, Lij. I’ll do it. It’s about time someone got the better of him. But I can only help you tonight. Tomorrow I have a date.”

“Thanks, Orli.” Elijah hugged his friend. “Who’s the date with? Do I know her?”

Orlando looked uncomfortable, then quickly looked at his watch and said, “I’m late, got to dash. Come round about eight, okay?”

Elijah nodded as Orlando turned and left, and wondered what was so special about Orlando’s date that he didn’t want to talk about it. He’d have to ask him tonight.

**

On Friday night, Elijah was high on anticipation when he called round for Orlando.

As he got into Elijah’s car, Orlando asked, “All set, Lij?”

“Aye, laddie, raring to go,” replied Elijah, putting the car into gear and driving off.

Orlando groaned and banged his head against the dashboard. “This is not going to work. Your accent is terrible. Remind me to never try for work as a dialect coach.”

“No sweat, Orli,” said Elijah, calmly reverting to his normal voice. “It’ll be so noisy in there, he won’t be able to hear me properly anyway.”

“I hope you’re right.”

“So how was your date last night?” asked Elijah curiously. “You never did tell me who she was.”

“No, I didn’t,” agreed Orlando. “So what’s the plan? You going to let Dom get drunk before you put the moves on him?”

Elijah frowned at Orlando’s rapid change of subject. He’d find out who this mystery woman was… but first things first. “Yeah, that’s what I thought. If he’s a bit drunk I think his reaction should be more amusing, don’t you?”

Orlando nodded as they pulled up outside Dom’s house.

***

Elijah had driven to the club with the music turned up so loud in his car that they couldn’t talk to each other. After they’d picked up Dom, they’d called at Billy’s, and the nearer the club they got, the more nervous Elijah became. The last thing he wanted was to make small talk. He was beginning to wonder if this really was a good idea. Dom looked invincible tonight – a black T-shirt, tight jeans and a leather jacket just accentuated the effect – so brimming with self-confidence he looked ready to take on anyone.

Perhaps it would be better if he balanced a bag of flour over Dom’s trailer door. Less nerve-wracking. Messier. No accent required. He swallowed hard as he parked the car and tried to force a smile when Orlando winked at him as they walked across the car park.

As soon as they entered the club, Orlando was dragged onto the dance floor by a couple of women and Elijah headed for the bar. Suddenly a drink seemed a very good idea. Apparently Dom and Billy agreed with him and soon they had four beers between them. Just standing near Dom made Elijah shake with nerves, so he grabbed Orlando’s pint and headed onto the dancefloor to find him.

Within minutes, Elijah had finished his drink and somehow found himself dancing with a very pretty blonde who had a serious case of wandering hands. If Elijah hadn’t been so nervous he could have got quite turned on. For appearances’ sake, he pulled her closer and did some bumping and grinding, but he found he kept looking across at the bar, where Dom and Billy were sitting, watching the dance floor.

They spotted him and laughed. Elijah knew exactly what they found amusing – his usual inability to hang onto a woman for more than one dance. Something flared inside him and the nervousness was replaced with determination. How dare Dom laugh at him? The first gentle buzz of the alcohol started to flow through his body. He felt buoyant, unbeatable. What on earth had he been worrying about? Yes, he was going to get Dominic Monaghan.

A few tracks (and drinks) later, he looked round for Orlando and saw him sandwiched between three women, all of whom appeared to be trying to stick to him like glue. Orlando noticed him and pointed towards the bar. Elijah nodded, and watched as he said something to the women, all of whom looked crestfallen, then began to fight his way through the crowd to Dom and Billy. Elijah followed him.

When they got to the bar, Elijah allowed himself a smile. There were eight shot glasses lined up in front of Dom and Billy. Four each. Dom would be well on the way to getting wasted. He exchanged a look with Orlando. “Uh oh,” Orlando said quietly, “Going to be a wild night for sure.”

“Cool,” Elijah replied. This was going to be perfect. Absolutely perfect.

Orlando looked at him questioningly and Elijah nodded. Yes, let’s get this show on the road, thought Elijah. Orlando grabbed Billy’s hand and dragged him onto the dancefloor and, smiling mischievously to himself, Elijah grabbed Dom and did the same. Soon they were bumping and grinding in a sea of sweaty humanity, Elijah making sure he was never far from Dom.

He looked around, checking that Billy was out of Dom’s line of sight. His little deception would be a non-starter if Dom could see Billy when Elijah tried to impersonate him. After a moment or two of scanning the dance floor he spotted Billy with two women: one in front of him, one behind. Elijah felt a small wave of jealousy. God, that looked hot; he’d love to be in Billy’s position right now. No, he thought to himself. Do not get distracted.

Confirming to himself that in his current position crushed up behind a woman, Dom would have to turn right round to see Billy, Elijah smiled and moved up behind Dom. He put his hands on Dom’s waist and began moving in time with the music. Leaning forward, Elijah took a deep breath and tried to remember everything that Orlando had taught him. “Dommie lad, you’re looking particularly hot tonight.”

“Billy!” Dom yelled over his shoulder.

Elijah felt a wave of elation. Time to go a little further. “I think your arse looks very fine in those jeans.”

He felt more than heard Dom roar with laughter.

“Yes, Dommie, I’d very much like to feel your fine arse.” Elijah ground his hips into Dom’s ass, trying very hard not to giggle.

Dom laughed again and pushed his ass back into Elijah, wriggling suggestively.

“I want to kiss you,” said Elijah, pulling Dom closer. “I want to touch your naked body.” They ground together for a few beats, Elijah struggling to concentrate on keeping the accent straight and not laughing. “I want you, Dominic. I want to fuck you until you see stars.”

Elijah was aware of Dom pushing the woman in front of him away and beginning to turn round. Elijah released his grip on Dom’s hips and took a step back, already starting to laugh at what Dom would say when he saw him. This was going to be so good.

When Elijah first caught sight of Dom’s eyes, they were sparkling and full of life. He looked like a little boy on Christmas morning who’d just been given a new bicycle, but as soon as he saw Elijah and realised he’d been tricked, his face collapsed and he looked on the verge of tears. He instantly turned and walked off the dance floor, completely ignoring Elijah. The American stared after him. What the fuck? He immediately looked round for Orlando who must have been watching because he was already heading straight for Dom.

By the time he got to them, Dom was sitting down, his head in his hands. “Where the fuck is Billy?” Orlando asked Elijah.

Elijah quickly scanned the dance floor, still trying to work out what the hell was going on. There was no sign of Billy. “Don’t know.”

Dom raised his head, staring into space. He turned bleak eyes towards Orlando. “What the fuck am I going to do, Orli?”

“You’re going to have to talk to Billy.”

Elijah watched his friends. He felt like he was in some surreal experimental play where the dialogue didn’t really make sense. What the fuck was the matter with Dom? It was a silly joke and Orlando and Dom were behaving like someone had died. If Dom was mad about it, why wasn’t he yelling at him? And what did Billy have to do with it?

Elijah carefully tried putting two and two together, but kept getting three and a half. Whichever way he looked at it, Dom’s reaction didn’t make sense, unless…. Elijah’s mouth fell open. Suddenly, he knew what had happened. Dom had wanted Billy to come on to him. He’d been enjoying it.

Oh fuck.

“How can I?” Dom asked Orlando.

“Just do it, mate. I don’t think it’ll be a problem for him.”

Elijah stared at Orlando. How did he know that? Elijah had no idea Billy liked guys.

“I can’t. It’ll ruin our friendship.”

“Dom, you’ve got to, or you’ll never forgive yourself. Give this a chance.” Orlando turned to Elijah. “We really need to find Billy.”

Elijah nodded in agreement. He’d screwed up royally this evening, but hopefully finding Billy was something he could get right. He was about to head for the men’s room, when he was grabbed firmly by two women, one of whom he recognised as Ms. Wandering Hands. “You’re not leaving, are you?” she squealed. “I wanted to introduce you to my friend Melanie.” She pointed at the other woman.

“I’ve got to find my friend,” Elijah stammered, as he noticed a leggy redhead wrapping herself round Orlando. What was it with the women in this place? And why didn’t anything like this ever happen when he could actually do something about it?

Ms. Wandering Hands leaned across and whispered, “Melanie and I like to share, if you know what I mean.” She raised an eyebrow suggestively. Elijah felt the blush rise to the roots of his hair.

Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Why now? But before he could gather his thoughts sufficiently to make any kind of sense, Billy walked over to them. Dom suddenly stood up, slapped Billy on the back and steered him out of the front door of the club, without a word to Elijah or Orlando.

Elijah stared at Orlando. “Do you think they’ll figure it out?”

Orlando shrugged. “I hope so, Lij… I hope so.”

***

Three days later, Elijah was as certain as he could be that Billy and Dom hadn’t resolved anything. Elijah knew he wasn’t a particularly sensitive guy but even he could tell something was very wrong between them. They were fooling around as usual but there was something missing – that indefinable spark that made them Billy-and-Dom. It was as if their hearts weren’t in it any more.

And it didn’t take a genius to work out that the problem stemmed from the night at the club when Elijah’s joke had backfired. Remembering what he’d done, a wave of guilt washed over him. Before that night it had never occurred to him that Dom might actually want to be with Billy… and from what Orli had said, Billy might want to be with Dom. And judging by the way the two of them were avoiding physical contact, he considered it was a pretty safe bet that at this precise moment, they weren’t together, even if they both wanted to be.

He’d tried talking to Billy, but he’d just shaken his head in that way he had that brooked no argument, and when he’d tried apologising to Dom, all he got was a terse, “Not your fault, Lij. I’m the wanker here.”

Elijah had seen Billy try to talk to Dom one day before Feet, and he’d felt so sorry for the Scotsman when he’d just been ignored by the man everyone took to be his best friend. Later, Elijah asked Orlando what he thought.

“How about we corner them separately, so they have to talk?” Orlando suggested. “I’ll get Viggo to help.”

Elijah frowned a little at the mention of Viggo’s name. Why did Orlando need to get him involved? “Okay. What do you have in mind?”

Which was how Elijah came to be standing outside Dom and Billy’s trailer with a six pack and a box of tissues. He’d seen Dom leave a few minutes earlier, his face like thunder, so he knew Billy was alone. Before he could have second thoughts about bringing the tissues – he knew they were always necessary when Hannah wanted to “talk” but perhaps they were a bit over the top for Billy – he straightened his shoulders, took a deep breath, and knocked on the door.

“Yeah, come in.”

Elijah went in and launched into the speech he’d prepared before Billy had a chance to stop him. “Billy, this is my fault. I know Dom won’t talk to you, but I thought that if I listened to you maybe somehow you would feel better. I can’t stand to see my friends in pain.”

To Elijah’s relief, Billy smiled. “Sit down, Lij. And pass me one of those beers, will you?”

Elijah sat down and asked Billy what happened after they’d left the club.

Billy shook his head. “I feel like I’ve been missing something here. What did happen at the club, Elijah? I mean Dom told me you came up behind him and said, well, said stuff into his ear while doing an imitation of my voice.” Billy smiled at him. “Which by the way I want to hear one day when things look brighter.”

Elijah squirmed. He didn’t feel like trying to impersonate Billy ever again. He looked at Billy. “He told you exactly what I said?”

“Yes, yes he did.”

“Geez Billy, it was supposed to be a joke. Viggo told Orli and I how Dom acted when he saw you two wrestling. Hell, Viggo thought it was funny. He didn’t read anything into. Damn, you should see how Viggo and Orli go at it sometimes. They wrestle more than any two guys I know! Nothing is going on there, right?”

Billy raised his eyebrows and gave Elijah a “which tree did you just fall from?” look. Elijah thought for a moment. Orlando’s mystery ‘girlfriend’, Orlando enlisting Viggo’s help… Yes, it was official. Elijah Wood was the slowest, most obtuse guy on the planet. Did *everyone* know these things except him?

And what else could he be missing?

But he was damned if he was going to admit his ignorance to Billy. “Okay, so… bad example.” Realising Billy was waiting for him to continue, Elijah explained about the joke and what had happened in the club. He’d just asked Billy if he wanted to talk about what had gone on between him and Dom after they’d left when there was a knock at the door.

It was Viggo. Orlando hadn’t been sure what time Viggo could get to Billy’s trailer but they’d both agreed Billy might feel more comfortable talking to someone older than him, so when Viggo did show up, Elijah took it as his cue to leave. He’d have to wait until later to find out what had happened between Billy and Dom after they’d left the club.

***

Elijah tried ringing Billy the next day but just got his answering machine. “It’s Lij, I just wondered how you were. Call me back, okay?”

He did a little shopping, then went home and half-heartedly played a few games on his Playstation. Then he channel surfed for a while, unable to settle to anything. His mind kept wandering back to Billy and Dom. Eventually deciding to watch a black and white sci-fi movie, he slumped onto the sofa and before he knew it, he’d drifted off to sleep.

Elijah woke to find Billy leaning over him, his green eyes frighteningly bright. “He’s woken up, Dom.”

“Good. He can’t miss what’s going on if he’s awake.”

Elijah watched open-mouthed as Dom grabbed Billy and kissed him very thoroughly. “Okay, guys, get a room,” he muttered.

They stumbled out of the living room, leaving him alone. He sat up and rubbed his eyes. A voice made him swivel round towards the kitchen. “Don’t miss this, Elijah!” Orlando and Viggo were wrapped round each other in the doorway.

Elijah blinked. “Er, guys,” was all he managed to say before the front door opened and Sean walked in.

“Lij, I’ve been waiting for you to notice, but you’re so stupid I’m going to have to show you…” Sean sat down on the sofa, grabbed Elijah’s shoulders and kissed him, insinuating his tongue between Elijah’s lips.

It took all Elijah’s strength to push the much larger man away. “What the fuck are you doing, Astin? You’re married! You’re straight!” Sean advanced towards him. Elijah held up his hands in protest. “For fuck’s sake, I’m straight!”

“No,” said Sean earnestly, looking deep into Elijah’s eyes, “I’m not straight, nor are you… you just hadn’t noticed. You’re very unobservant, Lij.”

Elijah had started backing away from Sean along the sofa, when the phone rang. “Saved by the bell,” he muttered.

“Lij, it’s Dom.”

“What? Where are you? Aren’t you with Billy? You were here a minute ago.” He knew his voice was getting unreasonably high… it always was when he was stressed. Why was Dom on the phone… wasn’t he in the bedroom with Billy? This wasn’t making any sense at all to Elijah but he was relieved to notice that when he turned round, at least Sean had gone.

There was a pause at the other end of the line, then Dom said, “What the fuck are you on, Lij? I haven’t seen you since yesterday.”

Elijah shook his head a couple of times, then realised with a sudden wave of relief that he must have been dreaming. “Sorry, I was asleep. Weird dream.” And for God’s sake, don’t ask me about it.

“Oh, okay.” Dom sounded doubtful. “Anyway, I’m ringing to let you know Billy had an accident. He’s okay now, but I’m staying with him until he’s better.”

“Oh no, what happened?”

“He wiped out when he was surfing. I had to give him CPR. He’s been checked out at the hospital and they say he’s going to be fine.”

Elijah bit back the comment he wanted to make about Dom giving Billy CPR and how it related to what he’d just dreamt. He really didn’t think Dom would appreciate it. “Look after him, Dom,” he said.

“Yeah, I will.”

Elijah thought he heard a smile in Dom’s voice, like he was going to enjoy looking after Billy. Perhaps there was some hope for them after all.

****

On Monday morning, Elijah sleepwalked into the Feet trailer as usual, to be greeted by three beaming grins. To his horror, Sean winked at him - something he’d done hundreds of times before – but all Elijah could think about was Sean kissing him in his dream. He shuddered.

“Er… morning, guys. You all look…” He looked doubtfully at Sean, who smiled at him. “…very cheerful.”

“Yes, we are,” said Dom.

“Definitely… we are very cheerful,” added Billy.

Elijah felt his brow crease into a frown. What was he missing this time?

Sean laughed. “You’re very unobservant, Lij.” Elijah shuddered again. That phrase was chillingly familiar. Sean turned to Dom and Billy. “I think you’re going to have to spell it out, guys.”

“Billy and I resolved our differences,” said Dom grandly.

Billy smiled. “And are exploring what we have in common.”

“That clear enough for you?” asked Dom, wiggling his eyebrows suggestively.

Elijah smiled and nodded. “That’s great news, guys.” No, he didn’t need diagrams this time… in fact, he’d prefer not to have them. He sighed with relief. Now he didn’t need to feel guilty any more, and, finally, he was fully informed on everything going on around him.

Suddenly aware of being watched, he looked suspiciously at Sean, who smiled back. It was just a dream, right? No need to get paranoid about a stupid dream. He risked another glance at Sean, who was still smiling at him. God, this was beginning to get creepy.

And it still felt like he was missing something.