Try

[ancabell.livejournal.com]

TITLE: Try
AUTHOR: Anca Bell
PAIRING: VM/OB
NOTES: Based and inspired by Nelly Furtado's Try.
DISCLAIMER: wish they were, but they're not. mine, that is.

The harsh lines of his face curl downwards. This is the closest he’ll ever get. Maybe forever. It’s a strange thing. If he tries to smile, his eyes tear up. So he tries not to, but everybody expects him to.
This should be his secret, small and unattended. Kind of like a picture you forgot you had. He tries not to think about going away again, about what Christmas means to him now, and how much meaning one should really attach to a kiss given in front of dozens of flashing cameras. Its meaningless, that’s clear. However, he has no choice but to take what’s given.
He has no idea why spending almost two years with someone didn’t do anything to his heart, but the minute he came back to reality, it all struck him like a hard blow. He guesses its true what people say about things you want the moment you don’t have them anymore.
He lets himself be patted, kissed, looked at, admired, knowing this is just a replacement for his true heart’s desire.
Finally escaping the frantic crowd, he wanders into a small hallway inside the theater. He lights a cigarette and shakes his head, to clear leftovers of longing. He knows its bad for him, but like a drug, his heart keeps making the same conclusions. He should have a heart to heart with his heart one of these days. He starts to laugh at the absurdity of his thoughts.
“What’s funny?” a low voice pierces the darkness.
“Oh, hi…nothing. I remembered something.”
Viggo takes the cigarette from his fingers and inhales quickly.
“Crazy out there?”
He nods.
“Aren’t you used to this by now?”
“Aren’t you?” he returns the question.
“You’ve changed.” Viggo’s statement is simple.
“Understandably I hope.”
“Yeah yeah sure.” Viggo agrees nonchalantly.
“Hey-“ Viggo reaches out his hand and squeezes his shoulder. “Is everything okay?”
“Peachy.” He says, regretting this conversation, and the grudge he seems to not be able to keep away from his own voice.
“Are you mad at me for some reason?”
“No! God, no. Just in a mood.” He quickly responds.
“Smile?” Viggo forms this as almost a question, or perhaps a suggestion.
But it’s no use. His frown stays put, knowing that if he even tries to smile, they’ll just be waiting around the corner. The stupid tears.
“We need to get you properly drunk tonight, so you can just let out whatever it is that seems to be bugging you. Is it a girl?”
Orlando raises his eyes slightly, but before he can answer, Dom and Billy enter the hallway.
“We’ve been looking all over for you. They need you for pictures. Come on.”
Orlando moves away from the wall slowly and begins to walk.
“Oh and Orlando? Could you make an effort and smile a little tonight. You’re fucking depressing me, man. Don’t worry, we’ll get so pissed afterwards, you wont even remember her name, okay mate?”
So then. He has to smile for the cameras. How fucking humiliating.

Afterwards in the pub, Dom and Billy are busy singing some silly made up song, Viggo drinks his whiskey slowly and Elijah tries to speak with his girlfriend on the phone, but the pub is too loud, so all Orlando hears is repetitions of “what?” combined with “I said…”
He figures what the hell and drinks himself into oblivion.
He remembers fragments of himself sitting in Viggo’s lap, the stern look on Viggo’s face, strong arms that drag him away from the pub, to his hotel room. Someone removing his shoes and tucking him in. he remembers a strange battle between his mouth and his brain, in which the mouth apparently won. Viggo leaves his hotel room saying, “We’ll talk about this tomorrow”.
He also remembers alternating between throwing up and crying, all night.

In the morning, which is more like afternoon by the time on his clock, he gets up and goes to Dom’s room.
Dominic is sitting with Elijah, watching TV. The downcast looks they give him suggest something probably happened last night. But he doesn’t want to think about it. He grabs the remote and starts changing the channels. They’re still silent.
“So Orli.” Dom begins. “How long have you felt like this?”
“Like what?” he asks timidly. Oh God.
“We are good friends. More like brothers. You should have told us. No one’s going to eat you alive or something.” Elijah says gently.
Orlando turns to them, blinking. “What the fuck did I say yesterday?”
“You don’t remember?” Dom says, clearly amused.
“Just tell me what the fuck I said.”
Elijah, the ever-present diplomat, calms him down.
“Ok, relax. You just…told Viggo, you know.” Elijah blushes and that’s not good. Dominic intervenes, “oh for Christ’s sake, you told him that you love him. What? Is that something you don’t know?”
“I – what?”
Elijah nods, as if to affirm Dom’s words. Fuck fuck fuck.
“ You really could have told us.” Elijah says once again. “We wouldn’t have treated you differently. I have gay friends and I – “
“I’m not gay!” Orlando shouts and his voice breaks just a little.
“Oh. Okay man.” Elijah responds quietly.
“Don’t be stupid, Orlando. It happens and you shouldn’t fucking let it mess with your head. So what if you have a crush on him? He’s human, isn’t he? God knows, you’ve been following him around like a puppy in New Zealand and that’s predictable. What Lijah? Never had a crush on a guy before?”
“No…” he answers, clearly baffled by the line of conversation.
“Well I have, and it’s not the end of the world! It doesn’t mean you’re a freak.” Dom spits out.
“But I’m not-“
“Oh, Jesus, just go and talk to him. Sort it out. You’ve been good friends until now.”
Until now, Orlando thinks as he stumbles out of the room.

Viggo opens the door, phone in hand. “Hang on” he mumbles into the receiver.
“I could come back later, if you’re busy and-“
“Come in, Orlando” Viggo smiles and drags him inside.
Orlando obediently sits in an armchair until Viggo finishes his conversation.
“So?” Viggo looks at him, an amused smile on his face. “Don’t remember anything do you?”
Orlando shakes his head. “Look, just forget about it. Lets pretend like I never said it, okay?”
Viggo sits on the bed.” Do you think that’s wise?”
“I was never wise, so no. But, I don’t think I have any other choice. You’re my friend. I’d like you to remain that way.”
“Okay well, that’s …your decision.”
The minute Viggo said that Orlando understood just how badly he didn’t want this to be his decision. So against all the warnings of his brain, his mouth started talking. “It’s just that…I never felt like this, until it was all over, then sometimes I’d miss you so bad and I know you cant feel the same and that’s okay but I just wanted to let you know it’s not as if I was hiding it from you I mean I’ve never, I mean-“
“Orli, calm down.” Viggo’s soft eyes are like sunbeams on Orlando. So he calms down. Relaxes in his chair. Watches how slowly Viggo’s form rises from the bed and brings another chair close to Orli’s. He brings their foreheads together and smiles. Orlando’s hands grip Viggo’s. He closes his eyes and just like in his oh so many dreams, warm lips connect with his softly. Then those same lips kiss his cheeks and his nose and his forehead and he sighs.
“We can try, okay?” Viggo’s voice pierces Orlando’s heart again and again, mercilessly.
Orlando repeats, smiling. “We can try”. And the tears don’t come.

All I know
Is everything is not as it's sold
but the more I grow the less I know
And I have lived so many lives
Though I'm not old
And the more I see, the less I grow
The fewer the seeds the more I sow

Then I see you standing there
Wanting more from me
And all I can do is try
Then I see you standing there
Wanting more from me
And all I can do is try

I wish I hadn't seen all of the realness
And all the real people are really not real at all
The more I learn the more I cry
As I say goodbye to the way of life
I thought I had designed for me

Then I see you standing there
Wanting more from me
And all I can do is try
Then I see you standing there
I'm all I'll ever be
But all I can do is try
Try

All of the moments that already passed
We'll try to go back and make them last
All of the things we want each other to be
We never will be
And that's wonderful, and that's life
And that's you, baby
This is me, baby
And we are, we are, we are, we are
Free
In our love
We are free in our love