Sorry to all the fans of John Rhys-Davies.

[mayorofyourtown.livejournal.com]

Title: Bambi?
Author: ninja_sheep
Pairing: Orlijah, attempted Elijah/John (Elijohn, if you will)
Rating: PG-13, I think?
Summary: Elijah can't find his dog, John helps, Orlando comes home.
Disclaimer: Total fiction. John Rhys-Davies probably isn't this creepy. I dislike him, but that's just an extension of my hatred of Gimli, so... yeah. John's not this bad.
Feedback: Would be AWESOME. Especially constructive criticism, since this is my first LOTR RPS ever.
Archive: Please ask first.
Author's Notes: There's kind of attempted non-con, which might squick you, but it's really minor. Anyway, it's kind of fluffy, slightly angsty with the dog, and full of my attempts at comedy.

Cross-posted to bloomwood_.

[ETA: As gypsyjolie pointed out, this is crack!fic. It's crazy, I tells ya. Crazy.]


A high-pitched whistle cut through the air followed by excited calls.

"Bambi! Baaaaaaaaaaambiiiiiiiiiiiii! Baaaaaambi!"

Elijah searched his apartment for the small hound. It had been a bit too quiet for a bit too long, and he was starting to wonder where the dog had gone.

"Bambi! BAMBI! Bambi? Bambiiii?"

A note of panic arose in his voice. He rummaged through closets and dove on the floor to check under chairs. After ten minutes, he was in a right state. With shaking fingers and sweating palms, he called Orlando's cell.

"Oh-my-god-I-can't-find-Bambi-I-think-she's-escaped!" he shrieked breathlessly into the receiver.

"Lij? Is that you? The reception here is shit!"

"Yes! Where are you, anyway? Whatever, Bambi is missing and feared dead!"

"I'm just picking something up... sucks about Bambi though. I'll help you look for her when I get home, okay?"

"How long is that gonna be?" Elijah was impatient. And with good cause - Bambi probably was dead.

"Dunno. Trying to find the right... well, you'll see. Why don't you call John? He's got a doggishness about him."

Elijah groaned.

"No! Not Johhhhhhhhn. He's hepped up on goofballs."

"He is not. Hey um, silver or leather?"

"Silver. Why?"

"Nothing. I'll see you soon. Good luck with the dog."

"Yeah, yeah."


---


Billy, then. Call Billy. And hey, Bambi's a Scottish terrier. There you go. Billy will be able to find her.

Seven rings later, Elijah gave up with a sigh. He really wanted the Scot to find his Scot dog. It would've been perfect. Now to call Dom.

"Hey bitch! The Dom's not in today, please leave your name and number and I'll probably call you back-"

Elijah slammed the phone down, wincing as the plastic collided. Stupid Dom and his stupid never being at home when Bambi could very well be dead by now. Grr. Where the hell was Orli, anyway? Hmm. Doesn't matter. Hurry up and call someone else. Call Sean.

"Hi, you've reached the Astin residence, sorry we can't take your call-"

Christine's voice sounded sharp and uncaring. True, there's no way she could have known Elijah's predicament, but it mattered not. She didn't care and she was useless. He scowled as he set the phone down.

Who to call, then? He ran his hands through his already perfectly tousled hair, stopping to pull at it and whimper miserably.

He reluctantly dialed John's number. This was a last resort, as John had always scared him a bit, what with his annoying pretentiousness and booming voice.

He gave an involuntary shudder when John picked up. The emergency was briefly overshadowed by nerves and fear.

"Helloooooo."

"Oh, John, hi, it's me, Elijah, I just called um... to um... the dog! The dog is gone!"

"Yeeeeees?"

"Yes, she's gone and I don't know where she is."

"Hm."

"So, could you maybe come over and help me look?"

Nothing.

"John? Please?" His voice was almost nasal with panic and urgency.

"Yes, Elijah Woooooood. I will come and save the misplaced mongrel."

"Great, great. Come over as soon as you can."


---


While waiting, he decided to call the building superintendent.

"Yeah?"

"Hi, this is Elijah Wood of apartment 618-"

"What do you want?"

"It's just my dog, sir, I don't know where she-"

"Dog? Ain't no dogs allowed in this building. You tellin' me you been keepin' a fuckin' dog?"

"I, uh, no of course not. I meant... Orlando. It's a pet name. Like bitch, but nicer. So, you seen him lately?"

A loud grunt was followed by a click.


---


John knocked on the door. Elijah was amazed that even his knocks were low and eerie.

"John, he- OH MY GOD! BAMBI!"

While Elijah screamed and flailed like a little girl, John set the strangely calm dog down.

"How did you find her?!"

"Does one ask the mighty squirrel where it finds its eyeballs?"

Elijah wondered what the fuck John was saying. Maybe it's a joke?

"Ah, ha ha! That's a good point."

John leered at him from the doorway with a creepy grin.

"May I enter your... ah, apartment?"

"Oh, uh, sure. Come on in. Let me get you something to drink."

"I doubt you have my preferred beverage on stock - in bottles, anyway." A dark chuckle transformed John's now bloodthirsty face, which would have freaked Elijah out if he hadn't been stooping over Bambi.

"Hey Bambi, what's wrong?"

He prodded at her, his eyebrows narrowed. She yelped and fell over. Or did Elijah yelp when she fell over? John couldn't tell. But then, he was leering around the apartment musing over his own blood lust, and also, sex lust. Lots of sex lust.

One of Bambi's legs was jutting out at a horrible angle. Both she and Elijah were now whimpering. He stood up and faced John, glaring.

"Why is my dog broken?"

"Hmmmmmmmm?"

"You broke her! You bastard! I'll get you, I'll fuck you up!"

With that, he lunged at John, his small but fierce hands clawing at any flesh they could find. Pure rage shone from his ordinarily beautiful blue eyes.

John had been completely taken by surprise. Was that why was hardly resisting? It seemed to Elijah that while John had grabbed his wrists, he wasn't shoving them away. Hold on - was he guiding them towards his own nipples?!

Elijah shrieked and tried to pull away, but John held on tight.

"Struggle not, weakling!"

Suddenly John had him pinned against the wall and was licking at the air around his face. No wait, sorry, he was trying to kiss Elijah.

Elijah began to cry.

"Salty eyewater!" cursed John. "My only weakness! Fie on the boy!"

His grip on Elijah died instantly. He spat in the crying man's face and slammed the door on his way out.

"Eeeeeeeeeeewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww." Elijah ran to the washroom, flushing his face of the vile saliva.

He quickly returned to the living room to attend to his injured dog.

Shit, don't touch the leg. Elijah didn't know that dogs could scream like that.

The phone then rang.

"Hello?"

"Hey!"

"Oh god Orli, I've never been happier that you're not John."

Orlando laughed.

"What d'you mean?"

"He stole Bambi, and then brought her back, except broken, and then I was beating him up, and he tried to kiss me and stuff."

"Ewww! Poor Lij baby. I'll be there in a few minutes, alright?"

"Yes please, I need help with Bambi."

Bambi groaned sadly.


---


Soon Orlando knocked on the door with a beautiful smile on his face and a small wrapped gift.

"Hey, who's that for?" Elijah pointed at the present with a hopeful smile.

Orlando wordlessly grabbed Elijah's inquisitive hand, kissed it, and pressed the present into the palm.

Elijah eagerly laid waste to the wrapping paper and opened the fancy box, grinning at the glittering silver watch inside.

"It's awesome! Thank you so much!" He hugged Orlando.

"Just my way of saying I love you, I guess."

The two kissed passionately until a pathetic cry from Bambi interrupted them.

"Right, your dog. What do you reckon John did to it?"

"I dunno. He probably quietly lured her into the hallway with candy or something, and then she broke her leg while struggling to get away from him as he shoved her into his car. So then he jammed some pills down the poor thing's throat and that's why she was half-dead when he brought her back."

Orlando nodded sympathetically and, seeing the distress and sadness flooding back on Elijah's face, gave a gentle kiss.

"Well come on then, let's take it to the hospital."

He put his arm around Elijah's shoulders as they left the apartment.

"Hey Orli?"

"Yeah?"

"How could I get revenge on that rat bastard?"

"Hmm. Nothing violent, he could beat you down."

"Maybe I should slap him and then run away real quick-like."

Orlando snorted.

"Why don't you just leave a flaming bag of dog crap on his doorstep?"

"Yeah!"

Elijah dashed back inside and emerged with a paper bag, matches, and chocolate pudding.

"Did you want to have a snack at the animal hospital?"

"No no no, it's for putting in the bag. I don't want to have to deal with actual shit. That's gross!"


---


At the hospital, the vet gently popped Bambi's leg back into its socket. Orlando was driving home when Elijah squealed for him to pull over.

"Why?"

"That's John's house!"

Elijah dumped the pudding into the bag and ran out to the front door. He was hunched over fumbling with the matches when the door swung open.

"Hello Elijah Wooooooood!"

"GAH!"

Elijah stood up straight and slapped John across the face as hard as he could. John bellowed and cried as Elijah triumphantly sped back to the car and dove back into his seat.

"Did you see that? I taught that bitch a lesson!"

"You're so cute when you win."

Elijah slammed his door shut and locked it while John stumbled around his door and trampled the bag of pudding.

"A POX ON YOUR FAMILY, FOUL BOY!"

John shook his fist at the fleeing car.