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fellowshippers2004-02-29 11:38 pm
prreciousss.livejournal.com) wrote in fellowshippers2004-02-29 11:38 pm
The Wood Monaghans 9/??
Series: The Wood Monaghans
Title: Good and bad news 9/??
Rating: NC-17 for series, PG-15 for chapter
Genre: Angst/Drama
Chapter author: Bailey![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
prreciousss
Previous Chapters can be found here:
http://www.geocities.com/woodmonaghan/
Summary: Every family will experience bumps in the road, it comes
with the package, but some bumps are deeper than others.
Note: This story takes place in 2011 in New Zealand. Dominic and
Elijah are married with two kids. Thanks to beta and to Salogel
who is co-writing this series with me. Also thanks to LadySunRope for the BETA.
Disclaimer: Don't own them. I do own the general plot and the characters (except for the Lord of the rings cast), and the title. :) There you go.
The Wood Monaghans
Chapter 9 - Good and bad news
Two weeks.
Two fucking weeks of bloody torture. After leaving the hospital in tears, which stung as they touched his wound and reminded him of that awful moment, Dominic had gone back home. He didn' t eat anything, he didn' t even sleep that night, he just sat on the floor of Jamie' s nursery, head in hands, wishing the earth would open up and swallow him.
He wanted to see her again. The thought of not being there for her made everything so much worse. Elijah couldn't keep him away from her. Did he even have the legal right to do so? He had adoption papers, he should have the same rights. He needed to be there for his daughter. What if she didn't wake up?
The earth didn't open up to swallow him. He was still sitting there, several hours later, as the sun set and he was covered in darkness. A self inflicted darkness. Dominic had always been able to resist temptation - for a chocolate bar, for a cigarette and for another man. Yet this time he was seduced and now tasted the bitter aftertaste of simple empty pleasure. Great, but empty. He wondered if he wasn' t too young to have a crisis and he could never remember his father or brother ever going through something like this. How could he fix this?
Not until after midnight did Dominic leave the nursery, going to sit on the porch, looking over the garden they' d worked on together. It was built with love and passion, and sometimes they took a break from the building to love on the lawn. That was before the girls were born, it had been very rare since then as they weren't alone much anymore.
* What happened to you, Monaghan? When did you begin to take things for granted? When did you lose your inner peace and sanity? Was it worth it? *
It was a quick infatuation and he had given in to temptation, just so he could feel younger and more attractive. Why didn't he see that the only one who would be able to do that was his own husband? The answer was of course, no it wasn't worth it. Just touching his own face and the bruised and tender cheek was proof of this.
The next day Elijah was told to go home, at least for a few hours, and he had reluctantly agreed. He needed a shower and new clothes. He knew that Dominic would be there, but he had no choice but to face him. What he was going to say he didn' t know, he didn' t even know how well he would be able to control his temper. His behaviour yesterday had frightened him, but he had been so vulnerable and so tired, so hurt, shocked and scared. Despite all the emotions, he knew he had to do this for Jamie and Sian. He' d have to compromise. Besides, if Jamie survived the next 24 hours, they would both be tested for a bone marrow transplant. He needed to calm down for that.
Dominic was sitting on their bed, looking through old photos and letters when he heard the door open. He was quickly on his feet, turning up in the hall doorway.
"How' s Jamie?" he asked worriedly.
Elijah sighed with exhaustion. " She's still hanging in there."
Dominic watched Elijah as he hung up his jacket and removed his shoes.
" She's strong just like her father." he said, quietly.
Elijah looked at Dominic, wondering what he was playing at. Did he think flattery was going to get him anywhere?
"Yeah, it sure isn' t thanks to you," he replied sourly. "You' re weak, Dom."
Dominic nodded sorrowfully. "I know, I'm so sorry."
Elijah shook his head in dismissal and held up his hands.
" Don't give me that bullshit, sorry is NOT enough."
Dominic swallowed. He knew that of course, he just didn' t know what else to say and he had no idea how he could make it up to Elijah. Would they be all right again?
Ever?
He felt himself panic a little. " Want a cup of tea?"
Elijah controlled himself and nodded. "Yeah"
He needed something warm after feeling the sorrow and exhaustion draining the heat from his body. He didn' t even notice he was shivering.
Dominic went to put the kettle on, and after a short hesitation, Elijah followed him,standing behind him with arms crossed.
"Just tell me something, Dom" he started, voice not quite so steady as before, "What was on your mind? What were you thinking?"
Dominic turned around slowly, sighing. "I wasn't thinking, I was selfish, I was weak, he made me feel attractive and young... it's been such a long time since I felt the passion we used to have. I missed it, missed how things used to be. We were beautiful and adventurous, so in love and full of passion. We did things together, experienced life together, everything in life..."
Elijah grabbed a glass off the counter and threw it smashing against the ground in pure rage."How the fuck could you do this to us, Dom? How could you cheat on your own fucking family?" he yelled, his words like a knife in Dominic's heart.
Trying to calm him down, Dominic put his hands on Elijah's upper arms, but Elijah started banging his fists on his husband's chest until at last he gave in to Dominic's embrace and leaned against him for support.
Elijah felt helpless, he felt confused and most of all scared. Elijah loved Dominic; he still felt that connection and passion inside of him. He just hadn't had the time to let it out very often. He didn't want it to break, he didn't want to lose it, to lose Dominic! How could he live without him? But how could he live with him now, after this? He felt like Dominic was falling out of love with him. He cried even louder as he thought about how his own love for Dominic hadn't been sufficient; his body and soul hadn't been enough, the promise of faithfulness and their vows where only death could part them, hadn't been enough. All of it, worthless.
Elijah squeezed his eyes shut as hard as he could as though he could block out reality. He remembered their wedding but he now began to wonder if he had been naive and hoping to find a fairy tale with Dominic, the love of his life. His soul mate. Dominic used to call them soul mates. Elijah was in pain, he was angry, but most of all hurt and questioning everything. He quickly moved away from Dominic as though he'd burnt himself. He looked down at the floor, not facing Dominic. He couldn't look him in the eye anymore. He wanted to vomit.
"You need to move out"
Elijah sniffled after a moment and he realised, as he spoke the words, that it was true. He wouldn't be able to have Dominic around right now. He had enough on his mind as it was.
There was so much tension and fear during the next couple of days until Jamie finally woke up, having pulled through the initial treatment. More good news was that the antibiotics worked. But it was far from over. Now it was time for chemotherapy. Jamie had been delighted to see her parents again and Sian had tried to comfort her when Jamie decided she wanted to go home right away. Sian had to stay with Mrs. Morgan for the night as both Dominic and Elijah donated bone marrow samples and had to stay the night in the hospital. They were put in the same room, but Elijah didn't speak a word to Dominic, even though Dominic had tried until he'd fallen asleep from exhaustion.
It had been a very long day.
Elijah had turned around in his bed and looked across the floor to Dominic's bed. He swallowed as he watched his husband sleep, looking so innocent, his eyelashes fluttering lightly and his breathing steady through slightly parted chapped lips. God, why did he love this man so much? Why didn't Dominic's deceit make him love him any less? He should feel all kinds of hatred towards him, but hate was not part of his jumble of emotions.
Just love and hurt.
By this time, Dominic had moved out and was living in a rented flat not far from his old house. He hadn' t furnished it properly yet, it was unimportant, in fact he had barely cleaned it. His family was most important to him now. He tried to be at the hospital as often as possible, sitting there with Jamie while Elijah still refused to speak a word. The apartment only had a mattress on the floor, light bulbs without lamp shades and his stuff in suitcases spread across the living room. The only things on his wall were pictures of the family, which was the only thing he wanted to see. Even though he was allowed to see his daughters, he missed his family so much it hurt. They had been the only ones who had kept him together for years.
First his mother and father had taken care of him and raised him well. Dominic never thought he' d love anyone as strongly as they had, and then he fell in love with his soul mate, Elijah, and he was proven wrong.
After that he could never imagine life without Elijah and wondered how he had ever done without him before, he could barely remember what it was like. Yet again he thought he' d never feel such a fierce love like that again, nobody could touch him like that . But when Sian was born he was proven wrong, and then again when Jamie came into their lives.
The past two weeks had included a lot of thinking and a lot of bad news.
" Mr Monaghan, Mr Wood, we have the result of the bone marrow sample....I'm terribly sorry but neither of you are compatible to Jamie" Dr. Parker had said.
Dominic could tell that the doctor was sincerely sorry, but he couldn't accept that was it. He rushed to his feet.
" What? One of us has to be compatible! It can' t be right..."
He felt Elijah tug his hand making him sit down.
"I'm very sorry," Dr. Parker repeated and left.
Even though Elijah was still angry with Dominic, he put an arm around him as he cried. This was one of those times they had to be there for each other, despite hurt pride, anger and jealousy. They were Jamie's parents; they had that thing in common and always would, no matter what happened to the family in the future. He'd never seen Dominic cry this hard. He looked like a young child and Elijah felt protective over him, despite everything Dominic had put him through . He kissed Dominic on the cheek, cradling him in his arms as he too felt tears beginning to roll.
They could get a donor, but he just felt like the fates were against them. Things were so complicated and there was so little time.
A child shouldn't have to be sick, not his little girl, not Jamie. She should be home playing with her teddies or watch cartoons on TV with Sian....
They had to find a donor. If he had to search the entire world and beyond, he'd find a way to help Jamie recover and be able to go home again.
When the chemo started Jamie began drifting back and forth through consciousness and though she was getting weaker, Elijah and Dominic were given a good prognosis.
The chemo was progressing well, but they would still need a donor. They allowed themselves to start hoping that Jamie would recover even though the first treatment wasn' t finished. Just a little bit of hope that they could do this and their daughter could pull through.
The time between chemotherapies, Elijah walked around deep in thought, sometimes sitting in the hospital cafeteria in a corner by himself, staring out through the window and drinking coffee absent-mindedly. Everything that was going on in his life right now, had all happened so fast. He couldn't quite keep up with all the ordeals he'd been put through. What had he done to deserve this? Was this karma? Was this God's punishment because he'd neglected Him lately? He turned away from the window and put his head on his folded arms on the table, his thoughts drifting back in time.
He could remember most of the things in his life. When he moved to LA from Iowa at age 5, when he started his first day in school, when he started home schooling, when his father left the family, and the films, and puberty, and having sex with a woman for the first time, having a crush on a man for the first time, figuring out his sexuality, coming out to his family. Getting the part in Lord of the Rings, not to mention the audition tape, going to New Zealand, meeting Dominic and the fellowship for the first time, certain moments he and Dominic had had before anything had happened between them.
Their first kiss, and first date and the first time they made love, the trouble they had with media when things hit, coming out, dealing with the consequences. He skipped a few years to the move to New Zealand, Dominic's proposal, the wedding, and their surrogate mother announcing she was pregnant, the birth of Sian, the second announcement and then the arrival of Jamie.
Elijah couldn' t go on like this. How could Dominic do that to him, to his family? Why did he do it? Were his feelings right? Had Dominic fallen out of love with him? Didn't he want him anymore? Was this the end? Was he telling the truth about feeling unattractive and old? Had Elijah done something to provoke this? Had he neglected Dominic? Had he forgotten to remind him that he loved him so fucking much and that he meant the world to him? Had he forgotten to remind Dominic that he was beautiful and not old at all, that he had always been perfect in Elijah's s eyes? He had been a perfect friend, actor, brother, boyfriend, husband, father and lover. Had been but now he had flaws, even to Elijah. He had fallen for temptation, forgotten about his family and allowed another man to touch him the way only Elijah was allowed to touch him, kiss him the way only Elijah was allowed to kiss him....and he'd made love to Alex like he'd made love to Elijah so many times since that very first time so many years ago.
Elijah didn't want to think about that, not here in the hospital, not under these circumstances, but that was one of those special moments that Elijah would never forget. Dominic had kissed him so much, touched him tenderly, made him relax completely, he' d prepared him and then he'd held his hand as he entered and had not let go until the after shocks of their orgasm had ebbed away. They had cuddled for hours, whispering sweet nothings, talked about everything, what they thought would happen after filming was over, what they wanted to do in the future, about food, drinks, England, football, earlier relationships. All that pillow talk and then they had loved a second time and Elijah remembered it because it had been almost better than the first.
So what would he do now? Throw it all away? Throw all those years of love and affection and familiarity away like yesterday' s trash because of one slip-up? But as Elijah thought about what Dominic had done, pictured it in his mind and played it back a hundred times, he felt nausea and anger well up inside of him once again. Maybe he'd be able to forgive him one day, but not today. Not anytime soon. He didn' t have enough time to think about it anyway. He needed to make sure Jamie and Sian was all right and talk to someone about the chemotherapy.
Was it still going well? Was there still improvement?
Before Elijah could return to Jamie' s room and face Dominic once again, Sian came running up to his table. " Papa!" she yelled happily and crawled up into his lap. Dominic came after her, walking cautiously and slowly up to the table.
"I think she' s tired and restless. When was the last time she ate?"
Elijah' s eyes widened. When had Sian eaten? It must have been hours ago.
Elijah had avoided speaking to Dominic more than necessary lately, but he felt ashamed over neglecting his daughter and she needed her parents' attention too.
"I'm not sure. Could you take her home? She' s still got school tomorrow."
Dominic looked surprised. Was this something that Elijah blurted out of habit? Home? He hadn' t been allowed into the house since he moved out and he had only been able to see Sian in the hospital. His flat wasn' t a place for a little girl anyway.
"Home?" he asked, just in case.
Elijah nodded. As hard as it was to allow Dominic anything after hurting him as badly as he had, there was another child to think about and Dominic was her father, more so than Elijah.
" Yeah, you can use the guestroom." Elijah muttered tiredly, holding one arm around Sian who was looking sleepy now.
Dominic sent Elijah a small smile and even though it wasn't returned, he knew Elijah had noticed his happiness at being allowed home.
He then turned his smile to Sian.
"Come on, monkey girl, let' s go home,." he said, sounding happier than he had for days and let Sian climb on to his back like a monkey baby on to its mother's. Before leaving with Sian resting her head on his shoulder, he turned to Elijah. " You get some sleep, okay?"
Elijah could only nod, as he couldn't give any guarantees that it would happen.
"Love you," were Dominic' s last words before he walked out and left Elijah at the table, staring after them. Jesus Christ, he wasn' t supposed to just be angry, he was supposed to be fucking angry, enraged, furious, wanting to kick Dominic in the nuts. But he didn' t feel that way. His anger was always mixed with guilt, and the undeniable love that still lingered for Dom, but it hadn' t been long enough. Just two weeks since he had listened to the message on their answering machine and realised whom he had been talking to when Dominic had been in the shower. Yet he smiled lightly before returning to his cooling coffee. At least Dominic still loved him...
"Daddy?" Sian called through the dark, as Dominic was about to leave her room. Once they'd got home, Dominic had made her something to eat and washed her before putting her to bed. He half expected her to tell him to turn the night lamp on, but she didn' t. "Are you and papa getting divorced?" The comment struck Dominic like lightning. Not only because she knew what divorce was, but that she had thought about something like that. With fear Dominic realised he had no idea. It had only been a few weeks; it was too soon to tell if they' d be able to work it out. Dominic walked across the room and turned on Sian' s night lamp before sitting down on her bedside
He stroked her hair gently. " No, of course not, sweetheart," Dominic replied softly, not wanting to bring another worry into her life.
She missed Jamie, she knew she was very ill and when she touched her little sister, she was so gentle as if Jamie was going to break. That special bond couldn't be broken, they were like twin spirits. Sian was now staring up at Dominic, still with questions in her eyes. Dominic picked up her hand.
"See, sometimes, people make boo-boos, mistakes, even the best of people can make mistakes. And sometimes the mistake is pretty big and it can hurt people that you love. Daddy made a mistake, a big mistake, and that is why Papa and me aren' t acting the way we used to. But just like you forgive your best friend when she does something a bit naughty, we can forgive each other. It might take a bit longer, but if you truly love someone, you' ll work it out. But you need to sleep now, princess, you have school tomorrow, Good night.."
He leaned down and gave her a loving kiss on the mouth before tousling her hair.
" Good night, daddy. Can you leave the light on?"
"Of course, sweetheart," Dominic nodded with a smile and stood up, leaving the room. He hoped he was right, that love could conquer everything, even a big mistake like his.
Elijah was sitting next to Jamie' s bed, chin resting on the high mattress. The jumble of thoughts and emotions hadn' t stopped. Everything was just a big evil blur in
his head. A nurse had been in the room earlier to check up on things and advised Elijah to sleep for a while.
There was a bed made for him, but he just shook his head without a word and though he knew he was getting pale, and had dark circles under his red-rimmed eyes, he just couldn' t leave his daughter' s side. She was sleeping now, breathing steadily while attached to all sorts of things. She was so tiny and fragile, like a small angel, the hair like a halo around her little head. Elijah reached out and touched her arm, touched her hand, touched her hair and her cheek. At first Elijah hadn' t told anyone about what had happened, he didn' t want to worry them, but then he had called his mom, crying over the phone and spilling out everything. He missed her, he wished she was there, maybe things would somehow get better if he could have his mother there to comfort him like she had when he was a kid.
Next morning Dominic woke up, slightly disoriented, but then recognised his familiar bed. He had been told to sleep in the guest room, but as he had looked around the house, taking in everything about his home that he had taken for granted, he had ended up in their large bed, just lying there, smelling Elijah, thinking about Elijah.
Eventually he had fallen asleep, fully clothed and now he needed a shower, badly.
He quickly got ready, packed a bag of clothes for Elijah, made breakfast for Sian and then took her to school before driving to the hospital again. Entering the room, he found Elijah sleeping with his head on Jamie' s bed, his hand holding her tiny hand and he knew just by looking at him that he had slept that way the whole night. This wasn't healthy. He knew Elijah worried about Jamie, just like he did, but Elijah had to take care of himself too. He put down the bag on a chair and put a hand gently on Elijah's back.
The younger man quickly woke, sitting up with a start, looking around and then relaxed as he looked up at Dominic.
"I must have fallen asleep," he muttered.
"Yeah. I brought you some change of clothes. Go get something to eat and take a rest. I'll sit here for a while," Dominic said.
It was a generous offer, but it was also a demand.
Elijah sighed. "I can' t."
"No arguing, Elijah, go, but get changed first."
Dominic handed him the bag and Elijah knew Dominic was right, he had to rest or he would collapse and not be able to be strong for Jamie. That was what he needed to be.
A few hours later Jamie was awake, not energetic at all, but awake nonetheless and she even smiled a little bit. Dominic read her a story as a nurse inserted a needle into her arm for a blood sample. He hoped to distract her but she was too weak to even feel the sting.
*My poor baby. What' s happening to you, Sunshine? * he thought, sadly.
When Dominic returned to the hospital with Sian, Elijah was back by Jamie's side, talking gently to her and stroking the back of her hand with his thumb. Dominic lifted Sian up on to Jamie' s bed gently.
"Did she just fall asleep?"
Elijah nodded. "Yeah, she was exhausted."
"I' ll get us something to eat, I'll be right back."
Dominic left them alone to find something to eat and Elijah gave Sian a small smile. He hadn't forgotten about his other daughter. Not at all. He hoped Sian knew that.
"What did you do in school, honey?"
"Played hide and seek.." she answered, dangling her feet."Papa, are you and daddy going to get divorced?"
Elijah didn' t know what to say at first.
"Come here." He patted his lap and she got off the bed to sit with him. "Everyone make boo boos, even best friends.." she explained once she was comfortable on his lap.
Elijah blinked. "Who told you that?"
"Daddy said last night that he did a boo boo and he says that if my best friend makes a boo boo, I will forgive her because she's my best friend. Isn't daddy your best friend? You should give him a hug. I give my best friend a hug."
Elijah had to think about what Sian had just said, but could only compromise. He couldn' t forgive yet, but he needed to talk to Dominic. So when Dominic returned Elijah took him outside and sitting right across from him, took a deep breath.
"Here's the deal, you can come to the house to see Sian, and you can see Jamie, but you can' t stay in the house. Tonight was an exception. I' ll be staying at the house tonight so I' ll take Sian to school tomorrow before going back to the hospital. Do you want to stay here or are you going back to the flat?"
Elijah spoke quickly to get it over with. He felt a lot of pain inside every time he was even in the same room as Dominic.
They still didn' t speak much, only short exchanges when necessary and Elijah had never felt so horrible in his life. He wished he could go back in time and stop all of this from happening.
"I'll stay until about 10 and then I' ll go back to the flat. I' ll be here early tomorrow."
Elijah nodded. "Good, they' ll call if there is anything."
So, convinced that Jamie was going to sleep through the night, they both went home still feeling uneasy. Elijah sat on the porch, drinking wine and trying to sort out his thoughts. Last time they were told anything about the chemo, the prognosis was still good. Elijah took a deep breath, but couldn't get any rest.
Dominic was up as well. He was listening to music and writing in his diary, every now and again looking through the window at the stars. Why were they so bright tonight? Why was the sky so full of them, so beautiful? Why couldn't they reflect his misery?
The phone rang and Elijah picked up. In one brutal moment the ray of hope disappeared. After one short phone call.
"Jamie's had a bad seizure and is unconscious again. You need to get over here right away."
*Of course we're coming over, you idiots! You don't even have to ask me! I need to call Dom. Oh my God, what's happening? What about the good prognosis? What's happened?*
Dominic heard his mobile phone ring from across the floor and he crawled over, reading the display before answering.
Elijah. He was speaking fast.
Dominic couldn't understand, but he knew it was something bad. He knew it was about Jamie.
"Elijah," he said, trying to calm him down. "Slow down, Elijah, Slow down! I can't hear a word you're saying!"
Eventually he managed to work out what had happened. A second later he was in his car, driving too fast to the hospital and running inside to find Elijah already there. He was in tears and as soon as he saw Dominic he stumbled over to him and threw his arms around him, crying uncontrollably. After establishing that Jamie was still alive, Dominic managed to get Elijah to tell him everything the doctor had told him.
"She had a seizure, she's unconscious and they say she's got... internal bleeding and her...," Elijah had to clear his throat before continuing, Dominic's arm still around him. "Her kidneys are shutting down. The next 24 hours are critical. They worry that the rest of her organs will shut down too. They say she's weak, but I know she's not Dom, I know she isn't, she's strong..."
Elijah cried again, and this time Dominic joined him as the words sank in and he realised just what it meant.
Elijah and Dominic sat on each side of Jamie's bed, looking at their child, lying pale and deathly still, and at each other. They could hear the clock ticking on the wall, hours passing and they only left to use the toilet, but even then they worried that something would happen before they got back. They didn't speak to each other, they couldn't find words. Sometimes Dominic went out to pace around, just to avoid going absolutely insane. He rubbed the heels of his hands against his eyes and stopped right in front of a wall. In absolute despair he began to bang his head into the wall continuously, but not hard enough to worry anyone, just hard enough to distract him for a few seconds. It didn't work.
Ten hours later, Jamie was still unconscious and there was no sign of improvement. Both Dominic and Elijah prayed, nurses came in with hot cups of tea and bagels, which kept them awake for so long. Elijah fighting sleep, his eyelids fighting back, wanting to fall, shutting out the world but he managed to stay awake for another hour before he zoned out and Dominic, watching Elijah sleep, felt even more tired and soon he'd gone too.
A doctor woke them up a few hours later and as they collected themselves, they realised something was wrong. The doctor had one of those looks you always saw on TV when there was bad news.
What the doctor said came out as a blur for both of them, but they knew what he was saying. He was sorry, but there was nothing more they could do. He said their precious daughter was too weak. She could go at any time. Their daughter. Theirs.
The doctor left them and Elijah broke down, crashing to his knees in tears and Dominic was there with him, holding him, crying.
Elijah felt every emotion he had felt the past few weeks overwhelm him and without being able to stop it, he threw up on the floor. Finding support against Dominic, he clung to him like a lifeline. His cries sounded like screams of despair and Dominic couldn't do anything to comfort him. His emotional and mental defences crashed. There was nothing to do but hug Elijah so hard he almost choked him.
It couldn't be true - it was just a nightmare they would wake up from. Jamie was strong, she'd pull through, she would... oh God, she was dying.
They were losing Jamie.
They were losing their little baby.
Title: Good and bad news 9/??
Rating: NC-17 for series, PG-15 for chapter
Genre: Angst/Drama
Chapter author: Bailey
prreciousssPrevious Chapters can be found here:
http://www.geocities.com/woodmonaghan/
Summary: Every family will experience bumps in the road, it comes
with the package, but some bumps are deeper than others.
Note: This story takes place in 2011 in New Zealand. Dominic and
Elijah are married with two kids. Thanks to beta and to Salogel
who is co-writing this series with me. Also thanks to LadySunRope for the BETA.
Disclaimer: Don't own them. I do own the general plot and the characters (except for the Lord of the rings cast), and the title. :) There you go.
The Wood Monaghans
Chapter 9 - Good and bad news
Two weeks.
Two fucking weeks of bloody torture. After leaving the hospital in tears, which stung as they touched his wound and reminded him of that awful moment, Dominic had gone back home. He didn' t eat anything, he didn' t even sleep that night, he just sat on the floor of Jamie' s nursery, head in hands, wishing the earth would open up and swallow him.
He wanted to see her again. The thought of not being there for her made everything so much worse. Elijah couldn't keep him away from her. Did he even have the legal right to do so? He had adoption papers, he should have the same rights. He needed to be there for his daughter. What if she didn't wake up?
The earth didn't open up to swallow him. He was still sitting there, several hours later, as the sun set and he was covered in darkness. A self inflicted darkness. Dominic had always been able to resist temptation - for a chocolate bar, for a cigarette and for another man. Yet this time he was seduced and now tasted the bitter aftertaste of simple empty pleasure. Great, but empty. He wondered if he wasn' t too young to have a crisis and he could never remember his father or brother ever going through something like this. How could he fix this?
Not until after midnight did Dominic leave the nursery, going to sit on the porch, looking over the garden they' d worked on together. It was built with love and passion, and sometimes they took a break from the building to love on the lawn. That was before the girls were born, it had been very rare since then as they weren't alone much anymore.
* What happened to you, Monaghan? When did you begin to take things for granted? When did you lose your inner peace and sanity? Was it worth it? *
It was a quick infatuation and he had given in to temptation, just so he could feel younger and more attractive. Why didn't he see that the only one who would be able to do that was his own husband? The answer was of course, no it wasn't worth it. Just touching his own face and the bruised and tender cheek was proof of this.
The next day Elijah was told to go home, at least for a few hours, and he had reluctantly agreed. He needed a shower and new clothes. He knew that Dominic would be there, but he had no choice but to face him. What he was going to say he didn' t know, he didn' t even know how well he would be able to control his temper. His behaviour yesterday had frightened him, but he had been so vulnerable and so tired, so hurt, shocked and scared. Despite all the emotions, he knew he had to do this for Jamie and Sian. He' d have to compromise. Besides, if Jamie survived the next 24 hours, they would both be tested for a bone marrow transplant. He needed to calm down for that.
Dominic was sitting on their bed, looking through old photos and letters when he heard the door open. He was quickly on his feet, turning up in the hall doorway.
"How' s Jamie?" he asked worriedly.
Elijah sighed with exhaustion. " She's still hanging in there."
Dominic watched Elijah as he hung up his jacket and removed his shoes.
" She's strong just like her father." he said, quietly.
Elijah looked at Dominic, wondering what he was playing at. Did he think flattery was going to get him anywhere?
"Yeah, it sure isn' t thanks to you," he replied sourly. "You' re weak, Dom."
Dominic nodded sorrowfully. "I know, I'm so sorry."
Elijah shook his head in dismissal and held up his hands.
" Don't give me that bullshit, sorry is NOT enough."
Dominic swallowed. He knew that of course, he just didn' t know what else to say and he had no idea how he could make it up to Elijah. Would they be all right again?
Ever?
He felt himself panic a little. " Want a cup of tea?"
Elijah controlled himself and nodded. "Yeah"
He needed something warm after feeling the sorrow and exhaustion draining the heat from his body. He didn' t even notice he was shivering.
Dominic went to put the kettle on, and after a short hesitation, Elijah followed him,standing behind him with arms crossed.
"Just tell me something, Dom" he started, voice not quite so steady as before, "What was on your mind? What were you thinking?"
Dominic turned around slowly, sighing. "I wasn't thinking, I was selfish, I was weak, he made me feel attractive and young... it's been such a long time since I felt the passion we used to have. I missed it, missed how things used to be. We were beautiful and adventurous, so in love and full of passion. We did things together, experienced life together, everything in life..."
Elijah grabbed a glass off the counter and threw it smashing against the ground in pure rage."How the fuck could you do this to us, Dom? How could you cheat on your own fucking family?" he yelled, his words like a knife in Dominic's heart.
Trying to calm him down, Dominic put his hands on Elijah's upper arms, but Elijah started banging his fists on his husband's chest until at last he gave in to Dominic's embrace and leaned against him for support.
Elijah felt helpless, he felt confused and most of all scared. Elijah loved Dominic; he still felt that connection and passion inside of him. He just hadn't had the time to let it out very often. He didn't want it to break, he didn't want to lose it, to lose Dominic! How could he live without him? But how could he live with him now, after this? He felt like Dominic was falling out of love with him. He cried even louder as he thought about how his own love for Dominic hadn't been sufficient; his body and soul hadn't been enough, the promise of faithfulness and their vows where only death could part them, hadn't been enough. All of it, worthless.
Elijah squeezed his eyes shut as hard as he could as though he could block out reality. He remembered their wedding but he now began to wonder if he had been naive and hoping to find a fairy tale with Dominic, the love of his life. His soul mate. Dominic used to call them soul mates. Elijah was in pain, he was angry, but most of all hurt and questioning everything. He quickly moved away from Dominic as though he'd burnt himself. He looked down at the floor, not facing Dominic. He couldn't look him in the eye anymore. He wanted to vomit.
"You need to move out"
Elijah sniffled after a moment and he realised, as he spoke the words, that it was true. He wouldn't be able to have Dominic around right now. He had enough on his mind as it was.
There was so much tension and fear during the next couple of days until Jamie finally woke up, having pulled through the initial treatment. More good news was that the antibiotics worked. But it was far from over. Now it was time for chemotherapy. Jamie had been delighted to see her parents again and Sian had tried to comfort her when Jamie decided she wanted to go home right away. Sian had to stay with Mrs. Morgan for the night as both Dominic and Elijah donated bone marrow samples and had to stay the night in the hospital. They were put in the same room, but Elijah didn't speak a word to Dominic, even though Dominic had tried until he'd fallen asleep from exhaustion.
It had been a very long day.
Elijah had turned around in his bed and looked across the floor to Dominic's bed. He swallowed as he watched his husband sleep, looking so innocent, his eyelashes fluttering lightly and his breathing steady through slightly parted chapped lips. God, why did he love this man so much? Why didn't Dominic's deceit make him love him any less? He should feel all kinds of hatred towards him, but hate was not part of his jumble of emotions.
Just love and hurt.
By this time, Dominic had moved out and was living in a rented flat not far from his old house. He hadn' t furnished it properly yet, it was unimportant, in fact he had barely cleaned it. His family was most important to him now. He tried to be at the hospital as often as possible, sitting there with Jamie while Elijah still refused to speak a word. The apartment only had a mattress on the floor, light bulbs without lamp shades and his stuff in suitcases spread across the living room. The only things on his wall were pictures of the family, which was the only thing he wanted to see. Even though he was allowed to see his daughters, he missed his family so much it hurt. They had been the only ones who had kept him together for years.
First his mother and father had taken care of him and raised him well. Dominic never thought he' d love anyone as strongly as they had, and then he fell in love with his soul mate, Elijah, and he was proven wrong.
After that he could never imagine life without Elijah and wondered how he had ever done without him before, he could barely remember what it was like. Yet again he thought he' d never feel such a fierce love like that again, nobody could touch him like that . But when Sian was born he was proven wrong, and then again when Jamie came into their lives.
The past two weeks had included a lot of thinking and a lot of bad news.
" Mr Monaghan, Mr Wood, we have the result of the bone marrow sample....I'm terribly sorry but neither of you are compatible to Jamie" Dr. Parker had said.
Dominic could tell that the doctor was sincerely sorry, but he couldn't accept that was it. He rushed to his feet.
" What? One of us has to be compatible! It can' t be right..."
He felt Elijah tug his hand making him sit down.
"I'm very sorry," Dr. Parker repeated and left.
Even though Elijah was still angry with Dominic, he put an arm around him as he cried. This was one of those times they had to be there for each other, despite hurt pride, anger and jealousy. They were Jamie's parents; they had that thing in common and always would, no matter what happened to the family in the future. He'd never seen Dominic cry this hard. He looked like a young child and Elijah felt protective over him, despite everything Dominic had put him through . He kissed Dominic on the cheek, cradling him in his arms as he too felt tears beginning to roll.
They could get a donor, but he just felt like the fates were against them. Things were so complicated and there was so little time.
A child shouldn't have to be sick, not his little girl, not Jamie. She should be home playing with her teddies or watch cartoons on TV with Sian....
They had to find a donor. If he had to search the entire world and beyond, he'd find a way to help Jamie recover and be able to go home again.
When the chemo started Jamie began drifting back and forth through consciousness and though she was getting weaker, Elijah and Dominic were given a good prognosis.
The chemo was progressing well, but they would still need a donor. They allowed themselves to start hoping that Jamie would recover even though the first treatment wasn' t finished. Just a little bit of hope that they could do this and their daughter could pull through.
The time between chemotherapies, Elijah walked around deep in thought, sometimes sitting in the hospital cafeteria in a corner by himself, staring out through the window and drinking coffee absent-mindedly. Everything that was going on in his life right now, had all happened so fast. He couldn't quite keep up with all the ordeals he'd been put through. What had he done to deserve this? Was this karma? Was this God's punishment because he'd neglected Him lately? He turned away from the window and put his head on his folded arms on the table, his thoughts drifting back in time.
He could remember most of the things in his life. When he moved to LA from Iowa at age 5, when he started his first day in school, when he started home schooling, when his father left the family, and the films, and puberty, and having sex with a woman for the first time, having a crush on a man for the first time, figuring out his sexuality, coming out to his family. Getting the part in Lord of the Rings, not to mention the audition tape, going to New Zealand, meeting Dominic and the fellowship for the first time, certain moments he and Dominic had had before anything had happened between them.
Their first kiss, and first date and the first time they made love, the trouble they had with media when things hit, coming out, dealing with the consequences. He skipped a few years to the move to New Zealand, Dominic's proposal, the wedding, and their surrogate mother announcing she was pregnant, the birth of Sian, the second announcement and then the arrival of Jamie.
Elijah couldn' t go on like this. How could Dominic do that to him, to his family? Why did he do it? Were his feelings right? Had Dominic fallen out of love with him? Didn't he want him anymore? Was this the end? Was he telling the truth about feeling unattractive and old? Had Elijah done something to provoke this? Had he neglected Dominic? Had he forgotten to remind him that he loved him so fucking much and that he meant the world to him? Had he forgotten to remind Dominic that he was beautiful and not old at all, that he had always been perfect in Elijah's s eyes? He had been a perfect friend, actor, brother, boyfriend, husband, father and lover. Had been but now he had flaws, even to Elijah. He had fallen for temptation, forgotten about his family and allowed another man to touch him the way only Elijah was allowed to touch him, kiss him the way only Elijah was allowed to kiss him....and he'd made love to Alex like he'd made love to Elijah so many times since that very first time so many years ago.
Elijah didn't want to think about that, not here in the hospital, not under these circumstances, but that was one of those special moments that Elijah would never forget. Dominic had kissed him so much, touched him tenderly, made him relax completely, he' d prepared him and then he'd held his hand as he entered and had not let go until the after shocks of their orgasm had ebbed away. They had cuddled for hours, whispering sweet nothings, talked about everything, what they thought would happen after filming was over, what they wanted to do in the future, about food, drinks, England, football, earlier relationships. All that pillow talk and then they had loved a second time and Elijah remembered it because it had been almost better than the first.
So what would he do now? Throw it all away? Throw all those years of love and affection and familiarity away like yesterday' s trash because of one slip-up? But as Elijah thought about what Dominic had done, pictured it in his mind and played it back a hundred times, he felt nausea and anger well up inside of him once again. Maybe he'd be able to forgive him one day, but not today. Not anytime soon. He didn' t have enough time to think about it anyway. He needed to make sure Jamie and Sian was all right and talk to someone about the chemotherapy.
Was it still going well? Was there still improvement?
Before Elijah could return to Jamie' s room and face Dominic once again, Sian came running up to his table. " Papa!" she yelled happily and crawled up into his lap. Dominic came after her, walking cautiously and slowly up to the table.
"I think she' s tired and restless. When was the last time she ate?"
Elijah' s eyes widened. When had Sian eaten? It must have been hours ago.
Elijah had avoided speaking to Dominic more than necessary lately, but he felt ashamed over neglecting his daughter and she needed her parents' attention too.
"I'm not sure. Could you take her home? She' s still got school tomorrow."
Dominic looked surprised. Was this something that Elijah blurted out of habit? Home? He hadn' t been allowed into the house since he moved out and he had only been able to see Sian in the hospital. His flat wasn' t a place for a little girl anyway.
"Home?" he asked, just in case.
Elijah nodded. As hard as it was to allow Dominic anything after hurting him as badly as he had, there was another child to think about and Dominic was her father, more so than Elijah.
" Yeah, you can use the guestroom." Elijah muttered tiredly, holding one arm around Sian who was looking sleepy now.
Dominic sent Elijah a small smile and even though it wasn't returned, he knew Elijah had noticed his happiness at being allowed home.
He then turned his smile to Sian.
"Come on, monkey girl, let' s go home,." he said, sounding happier than he had for days and let Sian climb on to his back like a monkey baby on to its mother's. Before leaving with Sian resting her head on his shoulder, he turned to Elijah. " You get some sleep, okay?"
Elijah could only nod, as he couldn't give any guarantees that it would happen.
"Love you," were Dominic' s last words before he walked out and left Elijah at the table, staring after them. Jesus Christ, he wasn' t supposed to just be angry, he was supposed to be fucking angry, enraged, furious, wanting to kick Dominic in the nuts. But he didn' t feel that way. His anger was always mixed with guilt, and the undeniable love that still lingered for Dom, but it hadn' t been long enough. Just two weeks since he had listened to the message on their answering machine and realised whom he had been talking to when Dominic had been in the shower. Yet he smiled lightly before returning to his cooling coffee. At least Dominic still loved him...
"Daddy?" Sian called through the dark, as Dominic was about to leave her room. Once they'd got home, Dominic had made her something to eat and washed her before putting her to bed. He half expected her to tell him to turn the night lamp on, but she didn' t. "Are you and papa getting divorced?" The comment struck Dominic like lightning. Not only because she knew what divorce was, but that she had thought about something like that. With fear Dominic realised he had no idea. It had only been a few weeks; it was too soon to tell if they' d be able to work it out. Dominic walked across the room and turned on Sian' s night lamp before sitting down on her bedside
He stroked her hair gently. " No, of course not, sweetheart," Dominic replied softly, not wanting to bring another worry into her life.
She missed Jamie, she knew she was very ill and when she touched her little sister, she was so gentle as if Jamie was going to break. That special bond couldn't be broken, they were like twin spirits. Sian was now staring up at Dominic, still with questions in her eyes. Dominic picked up her hand.
"See, sometimes, people make boo-boos, mistakes, even the best of people can make mistakes. And sometimes the mistake is pretty big and it can hurt people that you love. Daddy made a mistake, a big mistake, and that is why Papa and me aren' t acting the way we used to. But just like you forgive your best friend when she does something a bit naughty, we can forgive each other. It might take a bit longer, but if you truly love someone, you' ll work it out. But you need to sleep now, princess, you have school tomorrow, Good night.."
He leaned down and gave her a loving kiss on the mouth before tousling her hair.
" Good night, daddy. Can you leave the light on?"
"Of course, sweetheart," Dominic nodded with a smile and stood up, leaving the room. He hoped he was right, that love could conquer everything, even a big mistake like his.
Elijah was sitting next to Jamie' s bed, chin resting on the high mattress. The jumble of thoughts and emotions hadn' t stopped. Everything was just a big evil blur in
his head. A nurse had been in the room earlier to check up on things and advised Elijah to sleep for a while.
There was a bed made for him, but he just shook his head without a word and though he knew he was getting pale, and had dark circles under his red-rimmed eyes, he just couldn' t leave his daughter' s side. She was sleeping now, breathing steadily while attached to all sorts of things. She was so tiny and fragile, like a small angel, the hair like a halo around her little head. Elijah reached out and touched her arm, touched her hand, touched her hair and her cheek. At first Elijah hadn' t told anyone about what had happened, he didn' t want to worry them, but then he had called his mom, crying over the phone and spilling out everything. He missed her, he wished she was there, maybe things would somehow get better if he could have his mother there to comfort him like she had when he was a kid.
Next morning Dominic woke up, slightly disoriented, but then recognised his familiar bed. He had been told to sleep in the guest room, but as he had looked around the house, taking in everything about his home that he had taken for granted, he had ended up in their large bed, just lying there, smelling Elijah, thinking about Elijah.
Eventually he had fallen asleep, fully clothed and now he needed a shower, badly.
He quickly got ready, packed a bag of clothes for Elijah, made breakfast for Sian and then took her to school before driving to the hospital again. Entering the room, he found Elijah sleeping with his head on Jamie' s bed, his hand holding her tiny hand and he knew just by looking at him that he had slept that way the whole night. This wasn't healthy. He knew Elijah worried about Jamie, just like he did, but Elijah had to take care of himself too. He put down the bag on a chair and put a hand gently on Elijah's back.
The younger man quickly woke, sitting up with a start, looking around and then relaxed as he looked up at Dominic.
"I must have fallen asleep," he muttered.
"Yeah. I brought you some change of clothes. Go get something to eat and take a rest. I'll sit here for a while," Dominic said.
It was a generous offer, but it was also a demand.
Elijah sighed. "I can' t."
"No arguing, Elijah, go, but get changed first."
Dominic handed him the bag and Elijah knew Dominic was right, he had to rest or he would collapse and not be able to be strong for Jamie. That was what he needed to be.
A few hours later Jamie was awake, not energetic at all, but awake nonetheless and she even smiled a little bit. Dominic read her a story as a nurse inserted a needle into her arm for a blood sample. He hoped to distract her but she was too weak to even feel the sting.
*My poor baby. What' s happening to you, Sunshine? * he thought, sadly.
When Dominic returned to the hospital with Sian, Elijah was back by Jamie's side, talking gently to her and stroking the back of her hand with his thumb. Dominic lifted Sian up on to Jamie' s bed gently.
"Did she just fall asleep?"
Elijah nodded. "Yeah, she was exhausted."
"I' ll get us something to eat, I'll be right back."
Dominic left them alone to find something to eat and Elijah gave Sian a small smile. He hadn't forgotten about his other daughter. Not at all. He hoped Sian knew that.
"What did you do in school, honey?"
"Played hide and seek.." she answered, dangling her feet."Papa, are you and daddy going to get divorced?"
Elijah didn' t know what to say at first.
"Come here." He patted his lap and she got off the bed to sit with him. "Everyone make boo boos, even best friends.." she explained once she was comfortable on his lap.
Elijah blinked. "Who told you that?"
"Daddy said last night that he did a boo boo and he says that if my best friend makes a boo boo, I will forgive her because she's my best friend. Isn't daddy your best friend? You should give him a hug. I give my best friend a hug."
Elijah had to think about what Sian had just said, but could only compromise. He couldn' t forgive yet, but he needed to talk to Dominic. So when Dominic returned Elijah took him outside and sitting right across from him, took a deep breath.
"Here's the deal, you can come to the house to see Sian, and you can see Jamie, but you can' t stay in the house. Tonight was an exception. I' ll be staying at the house tonight so I' ll take Sian to school tomorrow before going back to the hospital. Do you want to stay here or are you going back to the flat?"
Elijah spoke quickly to get it over with. He felt a lot of pain inside every time he was even in the same room as Dominic.
They still didn' t speak much, only short exchanges when necessary and Elijah had never felt so horrible in his life. He wished he could go back in time and stop all of this from happening.
"I'll stay until about 10 and then I' ll go back to the flat. I' ll be here early tomorrow."
Elijah nodded. "Good, they' ll call if there is anything."
So, convinced that Jamie was going to sleep through the night, they both went home still feeling uneasy. Elijah sat on the porch, drinking wine and trying to sort out his thoughts. Last time they were told anything about the chemo, the prognosis was still good. Elijah took a deep breath, but couldn't get any rest.
Dominic was up as well. He was listening to music and writing in his diary, every now and again looking through the window at the stars. Why were they so bright tonight? Why was the sky so full of them, so beautiful? Why couldn't they reflect his misery?
The phone rang and Elijah picked up. In one brutal moment the ray of hope disappeared. After one short phone call.
"Jamie's had a bad seizure and is unconscious again. You need to get over here right away."
*Of course we're coming over, you idiots! You don't even have to ask me! I need to call Dom. Oh my God, what's happening? What about the good prognosis? What's happened?*
Dominic heard his mobile phone ring from across the floor and he crawled over, reading the display before answering.
Elijah. He was speaking fast.
Dominic couldn't understand, but he knew it was something bad. He knew it was about Jamie.
"Elijah," he said, trying to calm him down. "Slow down, Elijah, Slow down! I can't hear a word you're saying!"
Eventually he managed to work out what had happened. A second later he was in his car, driving too fast to the hospital and running inside to find Elijah already there. He was in tears and as soon as he saw Dominic he stumbled over to him and threw his arms around him, crying uncontrollably. After establishing that Jamie was still alive, Dominic managed to get Elijah to tell him everything the doctor had told him.
"She had a seizure, she's unconscious and they say she's got... internal bleeding and her...," Elijah had to clear his throat before continuing, Dominic's arm still around him. "Her kidneys are shutting down. The next 24 hours are critical. They worry that the rest of her organs will shut down too. They say she's weak, but I know she's not Dom, I know she isn't, she's strong..."
Elijah cried again, and this time Dominic joined him as the words sank in and he realised just what it meant.
Elijah and Dominic sat on each side of Jamie's bed, looking at their child, lying pale and deathly still, and at each other. They could hear the clock ticking on the wall, hours passing and they only left to use the toilet, but even then they worried that something would happen before they got back. They didn't speak to each other, they couldn't find words. Sometimes Dominic went out to pace around, just to avoid going absolutely insane. He rubbed the heels of his hands against his eyes and stopped right in front of a wall. In absolute despair he began to bang his head into the wall continuously, but not hard enough to worry anyone, just hard enough to distract him for a few seconds. It didn't work.
Ten hours later, Jamie was still unconscious and there was no sign of improvement. Both Dominic and Elijah prayed, nurses came in with hot cups of tea and bagels, which kept them awake for so long. Elijah fighting sleep, his eyelids fighting back, wanting to fall, shutting out the world but he managed to stay awake for another hour before he zoned out and Dominic, watching Elijah sleep, felt even more tired and soon he'd gone too.
A doctor woke them up a few hours later and as they collected themselves, they realised something was wrong. The doctor had one of those looks you always saw on TV when there was bad news.
What the doctor said came out as a blur for both of them, but they knew what he was saying. He was sorry, but there was nothing more they could do. He said their precious daughter was too weak. She could go at any time. Their daughter. Theirs.
The doctor left them and Elijah broke down, crashing to his knees in tears and Dominic was there with him, holding him, crying.
Elijah felt every emotion he had felt the past few weeks overwhelm him and without being able to stop it, he threw up on the floor. Finding support against Dominic, he clung to him like a lifeline. His cries sounded like screams of despair and Dominic couldn't do anything to comfort him. His emotional and mental defences crashed. There was nothing to do but hug Elijah so hard he almost choked him.
It couldn't be true - it was just a nightmare they would wake up from. Jamie was strong, she'd pull through, she would... oh God, she was dying.
They were losing Jamie.
They were losing their little baby.
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Another dead on chapter with no end in sight. Yet I always have to keep reading.
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