fellowshippers | Lament (SA/SB) 4/5

Title: Lament
Author: Courtney (PrincessGwen16@aol.com)
Rating: mostly PG-13
Pairing: Astin/Bean
Warnings: open marriages and crying men.
Disclaimer: Don't know 'em, ain't mine, no money being made. It's fiction and fun!
Summary: Sean and Bean say goodbye.
Feedback: is always welcome!
A/N: Muchas thanks to my beta, Alec, and Niki.

The Day had arrived. Sean had tried to ignore it, but he couldn't any longer. Not with Bean's bags packed and set at the foot of his bed. Sean rolled out of bed, careful not to bump into Bean knowing that even the slightest contact would wake him. The man could sleep like the dead, but barely touch him and he couldn't go back to sleep. Sean made his way to the kitchen and began brewing coffee. He pulled out a pan and everything he would need to make omelets.

Sean had managed to get the day off. Of course, this meant that he had to, not only practically beg PJ to let him have the day off, he had to agree to be his slave for the next week or so. Sean didn't mind. It all meant he got to sleep in and be with Bean until he left. What was a few weeks as PJ's lap dog, if he made them worth it?

"Mmm, smells good," Bean mumbled sleepily into Sean's neck, his arms wrapping around Sean's waist. Sean smiled and poked at the omelet. "You're still here," Bean announced, resting his chin on Sean's shoulder.

"Of course, I am," he answered. "PJ decided to let me have the day off, so here I am. Making breakfast for you."

"You sold your soul to him or something, didn't you?" Bean asked, tightening his arms around Sean's waist.

Sean nodded. "It's only a few weeks of being his little lap dog. I don't mind it," Sean replied. "Why don't you go take a shower and get all dressed? By the time you get back out here, I'll have breakfast all done."

Bean turned Sean around to face him. "You are amazing, Seano. Do you know that?"

Sean blushed. "Flattery, my dear, will get you everywhere." Sean moved to turn back to the stove, but Bean's hands holding his face stopped him. Bean captured Sean's lips, instantly opening his mouth and letting his tongue explore now familiar territory. Sean tried to pour all of his emotions into this kiss, and he suspected Bean was doing that as well. When Bean pulled back, Sean saw, that underneath the love and passion that was evident in his eyes, he saw the uncertainty of what would happen next.

Bean stared into Sean's eyes. "You know that I love you, right?" he whispered, still holding Sean's head.

Sean nodded. "Yeah, I know. I love you too," he whispered back. Bean kissed him again before heading off to the shower.

The day had gone all too fast for Sean. He was more and more aware that Bean was leaving any minute now. Sean sat next to him, waiting the two hours before Bean's flight. Sean was reminded of a line from Dogma. Something about how airports restore ones faith in mankind. You could be screaming and yelling at them before they leave, but the second you see them in a sea of weary travelers, all that was forgotten. You were just happy to see them again, to hold them in your arms and just be. It wouldn't matter what you did while they were gone, good or bad or nothing. It wouldn't matter as long as you could wrap your arms around them.

Sean looked over at him, taking in the ridiculous sunglasses and hat. He always thought that those things never worked, only made you stand out more. Practically screamed at people to look at you and realize who you were. But he swore by them, so who was Sean to upset Bean's little world? Sean reached down and grasped Bean's hand, squeezing lightly. Bean looked up, surprise apparent on his face, but it all softened quickly and Bean squeezed back, a smile on his lips.

Sean knew that ugly question was over them again. The 'what happens when you leave?' question. Sean bit the bullet and asked. What did he have to loose, except that huge chunk of his heart that Bean had packed away with him? Nothing much.

"Where does this leave us?" Sean asked quietly, staring at the ugly airport carpeting. "When you go, where do we stand?"

Bean sighed. "I think this is pretty much it," Bean shifted to look at Sean. "I mean, I know I love you and I know you love me, but Sean what about Christine? And your girls?" Bean took a deep breath. Sean chose to ignore that it was a little shaky. "Look Seano, you have Christine and your girls. I just don't want to hate you. I don't want to regret what we have. I know that at some point, Christine or I are going to want you all to ourselves. I don't want to end up hating her or you. I don't want that." Bean's speech was cut short by the announcement about his flight. "That's me, Seano."

Sean refused to cry in front of Bean. Not as a power thing, he just didn't want Bean to remember him like that. All red and blotchy. Sean stood with Bean. "I really do love you," he mumbled into his coat. "I really do."

"I know," he replied, sniffling a bit. "I love you too." Bean gave Sean a little squeeze before letting him go and grabbing his luggage. "I'll call you when I get in," he said, a ghost of a smile playing on his lips. He reached over and gave Sean a quick kiss before he turned toward the terminal.

Sean watched as Bean disappeared, his heart breaking with each step his lover took. He knew this would be hard, just didn't know it would be this hard. Sean waited for Bean's plane to take off and ended up standing in the same spot for nearly an hour after his plane left. Sean had managed to stay together until he was sitting in the middle of his bed in his trailer, crying on the phone with Christine.

"He's gone," Sean sobbed. "Sean...he's gone."

"Oh honey," Christine said, trying to soothe him doing her best over the phone. "You knew he was going to leave. You knew that in the beginning."

"I know," Sean sniffled. "It's just...," Sean took a deep breath, "I knew it was gonna be hard, ya know? But it feels like this huge part of my heart is gone. I loved him Chris. And know he's gone."

"Ya know, as much as I love you, you are a freakin' idiot at times," Christine sighed. "Sean, look at this. You had the opportunity to love more people than you thought possible. Honey, most people don't get even one person. You, darling, got two. Two people who love you, need you."

"I know, I know. I should feel lucky to have even had the experience," he answered. "But.."

"My God," Christine whispered. "You really love him, don't you?"

Sean nodded. "Yeah Chris, I really do."

"Then what the hell are you doing talking to me?!" she demanded. "You should be trying to get hold of Sean. Honey, you love him. Take the risk. If you love him as much as I know you do, then I know he's worth it. Love is always worth it."

"But what about us?" Sean asked.

"Sean, there's no way I'm going to divorce you or whatever. I still love you. I still need you. I'm giving you what you want, what you need. You need your space, you need love. I'm not going to go psycho on you or anything. The girls will still love you, I will still love you. Right now, this is about what you need and what you want," she answered. "You love Sean. So, go get him." And with that, Christine hung up.

Sean decided that Christine was right. He had a very smart wife, she went to college and everything. It would be absolutely retarded on his part not to take her advice, right? He thought so. Sean mentally added chocolates and an autograph from Viggo to send to her. Gah, he loved her so much!

Sean dutifully played his roll as PJ's lap dog for the next week. He was also calculating his plans to visit Bean. He thanked everything under the sun that they would all be having a few days off to relax now that the shooting schedule was really starting to get, as Sean put it, plain icky. That was a technical term, he explained to the other hobbits.

Sean stood at the airport, suitcase in hand, waiting to figure his way out of this Goddamn airport. He hated the things. They were always so confusing and now there were all these security things. Frankly, he was pretty close to either falling down in a dead sleep or screaming his head off.

He had called Bean from the plane, telling him to meet him at the airport and not giving Bean enough time to question why. So Sean stood in front of this God awful airport, sitting on his suitcase and waiting for Bean to show up. Sean began pondering what Christine had said to him before he left New Zealand: "Don't let him be afraid of this. If you love each other, anything is possible. I believe that, Sean. I really do. This is something you need, honey. And I'm behind you one hundred percent, don't you forget that."

Sean was brought back to reality when he heard his name being screamed at him from across the street. Sean looked up and saw Bean waving from in front of his car, hands cupped around his mouth to yell at him every few seconds or so. Sean could see Bean's face light up when he stood up and made his way over to Bean. Bean grabbed Sean's suitcase, throwing it into the trunk. He pulled Sean into a big hug.

"I've missed you," he whispered into his ear. "God, how I've missed you."