FIC: Resentment - Sean/Elijah

[rakshi.livejournal.com]

This was a hard one to write.. and hard for some folks to read. But then.. maybe it SHOULD be. Yeah.



Title: Resentment
Author: Rakshi ( rakshi_lady@hotmail.com )
Rating: R
Pairing: Sean Astin/Elijah Wood
Summary: When marriages fall apart, a byproduct is resentment.
Feedback: Please! I'd appreciate it very much.

Author's Notes: I got to thinking what it felt like when a marriage goes
bad. I've been there and I know how bad it can get and how confused feelings
can be. This is how I think Sean might feel. . . and react.

Resentment

"Sean. Oh, God, Sean." Elijah moaned, wrapping both arms around Sean's
head and pulling him into Elijah's neck. He sighed deeply, feeling both
their sweat -soaked bodies shuddering with the explosive climax they had just
achieved. Sean nuzzled his neck, still moving his body against Elijah's,
trying to make the moment of anguished completion last as long as he could.

"Baby." Sean gasped. "Oh, God, baby, that was heaven. Pure heaven." He
leaned down to kiss the hair at Elijah's brow. It was as wet with sweat as
their bodies, and Sean smiled as he turned onto his side. Not being pressed
together allowed the air of the room to caress their skin, cooling them off,
helping them relax. Sean turned again until he was flat on his back, staring
up at the ceiling.

Elijah turned on his side and leaned over him on one elbow. His fingers
moved in gentle, random patterns across Sean's chest. "Let's take a shower
together and go to sleep in the other bed." He suggested, leaning forward to
touch Sean's lips with a soft kiss. "It's all made up with clean sheets
while this one could use some work." He laughed at the sweaty, rumpled bed beneath
them.

"Can't do it, baby." Sean murmured. "I mean, I'm going to take the shower.
But I can't stay. I have to go. . ." he stopped himself just short of adding
'home', but he knew Elijah hated hearing that, so he brought himself up
short. Elijah wanted him to think of *here* as his home. Here. Where they were
together.

Elijah was silent. But it was a silence that Sean didn't like. He knew what
lay behind it, and he sighed.

"Sean." Elijah's soft voice suddenly pleaded. "Please stay with me. It's so
late now that it won't really matter anyway if you don't go... there. Please let
me sleep with you tonight."

"Lij, it WILL matter!" Sean dreaded having this kind of conversation with
him. There was no point to it, and all it did was leave them both frustrated and
upset.

"Look." he said softly, turning toward Elijah and drawing his fingertips
down Elijah's cheek. "It's like this. I'm there when she gets up in the morning,
even if I'm just sprawled in the den, then she can pretend to believe I was there
all night. Or at least most of it." He grabbed Elijah's hand in his. "But if I
wander in while they're having breakfast . . ." he let the sentence go unfinished,
hoping Elijah would understand what he was trying to say.

Elijah sighed and pulled his hand out of Sean's grasp. He got out of bed,
threw his jeans on, and wandered into the living room. After a moment
Sean followed him. "Hey," he said softly, wrapping his arms around Elijah
from behind. "If you want to take that shower with me you'd better come
now."

Elijah shook his head. "No. No, Sean. You go ahead. I'll take one later,
after you leave."

Sean opened his mouth as if to argue with him, but stopped. He padded back
into the bedroom and, after grabbing his clothes, moved toward the
bathroom. He wasn't happy about Elijah's reaction, but there wasn't much he
could do about it now. He had to get somewhat cleaned up and get home. It
was already 3 AM and the clock was ticking.

As he showered, Sean thought about Elijah's request and how much he
wished that he could grant it. He never let Elijah know how deeply he
yearned to spend the whole night here holding Elijah close to him. He
understood the longing to have the one you loved near you all night, bodies
pressed together, drinking in each other's scent, each other's breath.

And beyond that, Sean understood Elijah's longing to possess him. To \have
it be HIM that Sean slept with, woke up with, clung to all night. He
understood it, but he couldn't permit it. Things were bad enough. And that was the
problem, Sean decided. He'd never really told Elijah the way things were now
at his house and in his marriage. Maybe he should.

Sean dressed quickly and wandered back out to the living room, buttoning
his shirt. Elijah was sitting at the bar, drinking orange juice and Sean
grabbed his glass and lifted it to his lips to drink. Then he sat it down
and pulled Elijah into his arms. "I'm sorry, baby." He whispered. "Truly I am."

Elijah shook his head and stepped away from Sean's embrace. "I should go
to England and hang out with Orli for awhile." He looked at Sean. "This is
just too damned hard. Watching you walk out the door, knowing you're
going off to be with someone else. Do you know what that does to me?"

Sean lowered his head. This was the LAST thing he needed at 3:24 AM.
"Elijah," he said quietly. "PLEASE don't do this to me."

"To YOU?" Elijah said, his voice reaching toward those 'upset' upper
registers. "Right now I'm not thinking about you. I'm thinking about me and
how used I feel every time we do this scene!"

Sean gasped and took a step back as though he'd been struck. "USED?"
he said, his voice breaking. "You feel . . . used?" The last word was nearly
a sob and he spun quickly on his heel, moving toward the door.

He was almost there when he heard Elijah scream his name. "SEAN! Oh
god, NO! Please, wait! I'm sorry. I didn't mean it!" Sean heard Elijah's
feet running toward him, and for a split second was tempted to simply walk
through the door and leave. But he couldn't do it.

Instead he turned and caught Elijah in his arms as he flew to Sean with a
look of pure terror on his face. "I'm sorry. I'm sorry." Elijah moaned,
clinging to him, kissing his face again and again. " O god, I'm a fool. A stupid,
greedy fool. Oh baby, please just go. I know you have to. Just say you
forgive me and go."

Sean stroked his hair gently and rocked Elijah in his arms, feeling his body
trembling. "Shhh, baby. Hush." He pulled Elijah to the couch and they both
sat down. Sean rocked him for another long moment and then tipped his
face up so he could see into his eyes.

Blue eyes gone dark with pain. Biting his lip. Body quaking with fear. Sean
took it all in and sighed. Then he pulled his cell phone from his pocket and
dialed.

Elijah stared at him, clueless as to who he could be calling at this hour.
When Sean spoke, Elijah was astounded.

"Mac? It's me." Sean said, clearly speaking to his younger brother. "I know
what time it is, buddy. I'm sorry. I need a huge favor and no questions
asked." A moment of silence. 'No. Everyone's OK. Everyone except me."
More silence. "Just do this. Call Chris first thing tomorrow and tell her
that I'm with you. Tell her that we got shit-faced drunk and that I'm still
passed out at your house. Tell her that you're going to bring me home later on. And
for CHRIST'S sake don't let her come after me!" Another long moment of
silence. "Yeah. I know. I'll call you later on. OK. Thanks, buddy." Silence
and a bit lip. "I love you too." He hung up.

"OK" he said to Elijah. "You've got me." He put the cell phone away and
leaned his head back against the couch, feeling dizzy. "How much have I
lied in the past few months?" Sean thought. "As much as in my whole life
up until then."

"Jesus." He said sadly. "I feel like the worst piece of shit who ever
lived."

Elijah stared at him. His trembling stopped. Now all that was left was the
fear. And the guilt. "Sean." He whispered. "Go home. Call Mac back and
tell him to forget it. Go home."

Sean looked at him. "Shut up, Elijah." He said quietly, but with no room at
all for argument. "Just. . . please . . . shut up."

They sat together on the couch for a long moment in silence. Then Sean
turned to him. Elijah said nothing but his eyes were wide with fright and
Sean shook his head. "Look at you." He said softly. "Looking at me as
though you're scared to death of me." He reached out to caress Elijah's
cheek softly. "And look at me." He said, his voice filled with so much
sorrow that Elijah winced. "I've turned into everything I used to hate."

Sean heard Elijah gasp and saw his hands go up to cover his face, but he
was so exhausted that he couldn't even reach for him. After a moment he
stood up and grabbed Elijah's hand. "Come on," he said, pulling him in the
direction of the other bed. The one with clean sheets. They both stumbled
to its edge and removed their clothes with numb hands.

Elijah dove under the covers, pulling them nearly over his head, and when
Sean got into bed and turned to reach for him, he had to laugh. "Come
here!" He said, tugging on the blankets to find him. "Don't go hiding from
me after I moved heaven and earth to be with you." He captured Elijah's
face between his two palms and pulled him forward until their lips touched
softly.

Elijah lowered his head to Sean's chest and gently kissed the hard, warm
muscles. "I'm sorry." He breathed. "I don't blame you if you never want to
see me again after tonight."

Sean gave an exasperated sigh. "Stop that!" He shook his head. "God
damn it, Elijah! What did I just say?" He forced Elijah's head up to look
into his eyes. "How the fuck do you arrive at: ' I don't blame you if you never
want to see me again after tonight.' from a starting place of: 'I moved
heaven and earth to be with you?'"

"We have to get some things straight, baby, and we have to do it tonight.
I've put this off for too long already and things have gone from bad to
worse."

Elijah looked at him, his eyes still big with fright. He knew he'd gone too
far in the things he'd said to Sean, and he was terrified that he had stupidly
damaged the relationship that meant more to him than his life.

"Do you know how much I lie now?" Sean asked him quietly. "Not a day
goes by that I don't lie to someone about something." He shook his head.
"God, I hate it." He look at Elijah and saw his face twist with pain. "I
never used to lie." Sean said softly. "Prided myself on being an honest person."
He shook his head. "But this situation with you and I . . ." he looked at
Elijah again. "I have to lie, simply to protect us." He shrugged. "Or to
protect other people's feelings. Keep them from knowing about us." He
sighed. "The lie has become the lesser of the two evils."

Elijah said nothing. He reached his hand up and touched Sean's hair
gently. He didn't try to argue with Sean or talk him out of his feelings. He
didn't cry or cling. He could tell this was a meaningful moment for Sean.
That saying these things was critical for him, and for their relationship.
Suddenly Elijah found a quiet center inside himself. A place of strength and
calm. A place of maturity and understanding that he might not have found
for many, many years if it had not been for Sean's need for him tonight.

"God, I'm sorry, Sean." He said quietly. "I know that has to be awful for
you. You're an honest, decent guy. Living against your nature like that has to
damn near kill you."

Sean nodded. "Yeah, it does."

"Sean," Elijah said gently. "Do you want to stop seeing me for awhile?"

Sean looked down at him and half-smiled. "Scares you to ask that doesn't
it."

"Tonight it does." Elijah said softly. "But if it's what you need. . . I
won't make it hard for you."

Surprised, Sean leaned down to kiss him. Then he shook his head. "No.
That's not what I want. I want you to understand how things are for me
now. I've kept too much from you. I want you to know."

Elijah nodded. "Go on." He whispered. "Tell me the rest."

"Do you have any idea what it's like at my house now?" Sean asked quietly.
"You talk about me going there as though you think I'm headed off to some
kind of love nest. Like all she and I do is sit around and snuggle. As
though I never give you a thought." He shook his head sadly. "That's not what it's
like."

He looked down at Elijah and reached to gently stroke his cheek. He was
surprised by Elijah's silence. By how composed he was. Surprised and
grateful. It made the telling easier.

"I never stop thinking about you." Sean told him quietly. "Never. Never stop
wanting you near me. Never stop being sad when you're not near me."' He
shook his head. "And that doesn't exactly make it easy to live there with
her." He sighed.

"No matter what we're doing, where we are, where we're going, I only feel
one thing towards her . . ." Sean said gazing over Elijah's head into space.
". . . and that's resentment." He absently ran his fingers up and down
Elijah's arm. "No matter what she says, no matter what she does, I resent
her. If she mentions your name, no matter how innocently, I'm angry. If
we're in the car and a song comes on that means something to you and I, I
want to reach out and punch her because she's . . . not . . . you."

"I try not to show it." Sean said softy. "I try not to act it." His fingers
on Elijah's arm hesitated for a moment, then moved again. "But she feels it."
He sighed. "She's no dummy. She's smart. She's insightful. And," he said
ruefully. "she knows me pretty damn well."

Elijah still said nothing but his heart was breaking. He had no idea that
things in Sean's marriage had reached this point. He knew how devastating
it had to be for Sean to live like this. Elijah felt wave after wave of
horrific guilt wash over him, but he said nothing. This was not the time to ask Sean
for comfort. He reached out and grasped the fingers that were slowly
stroking his arm and lifted them to his lips, kissing them gently.

"And at those times when I want to be with you, or when you want me to be
with you for some reason and she tries to stop me from leaving. . ." Sean
lowered his head and Elijah thought for a moment that he was going to cry.
But he didn't. He raised his head again, his face a mask of sorrow. ". . . I
hate her." Sean finished between clenched teeth. "I absolutely fucking hate
her."

Elijah gasped. He never would have believed he'd hear Sean say such
things. Couldn't believe it even yet.

Sean laid his palm against Elijah's face, pulling him forward gently with
curved fingers. "All she is to me now" he whispered, "is a huge, unyielding
wall that stands between me and what I want and need. Between me and
you." His lips brushed against Elijah's. 'Between me and you." He
whispered again.

Elijah sighed against Sean's lips. It was a struggle not to break down and
cry. A struggle for Sean too, Elijah knew. His voice was level as he spoke
to Elijah and his eyes were dry. But he bit his lip constantly and as he
stroked Elijah's arm his fingers trembled. "She's not the only one who
knows you pretty damned well." Elijah thought. He laid his palm against
Sean's face in a mute gesture of love and support.

Sean turned his face and kissed the hand that rested so trustingly against
his cheek. "I have to do something," He murmured. "and I have to do it
soon. It's beginning to affect Ally, and it's not fair to any of us."

"Don't worry about me." Elijah said quietly. "You do what you have to do so
that you can like yourself again, and be at peace again. Whatever it takes .
. . you do it, Sean."

Sean stared down at Elijah and for the first time since this painful
conversation began his eyes filled with tears. Elijah's face was totally
composed, eyes steadily gazing into Sean's. "You mean that don't you."
Sean said softly. "You really do mean that."

"Yes." Elijah said in a clear voice. "I do mean it. I'd rather never see you
again and know you were happy and at peace than have your life be like
this because I'm in it." He shook his head. "Seanie," he murmured, his
voice breaking, "please forgive me for doing this to you."

Sean pulled him close and leaned down to kiss him gently. "Baby, this isn't
happening because you're in my life. I was unhappy way before "Lord of
the Rings"." He shook his head. "Oh, I had a big smile on my face a lot of
the time. But I also spent a lot of time curled up in a ball with a headset
on simply to avoid dealing with my own unhappiness."

"What do you think you'll do?" Elijah asked him quietly. Sean knew that he
was afraid. Afraid that his solution would be to end their relationship. In
spite of Elijah's brave words, Sean knew he was terrified that Sean would
eventually leave him.

Sean pulled Elijah's head down onto his shoulder and snuggled him. His
leg wound around Elijah's legs and drew them even closer together. Elijah's
hands were on Sean's chest. He curled into Sean's body like a small
animal seeking shelter and safety.

"Listen to me." Sean said in his ear. "Because the is the truth of my
heart." Elijah's breath caught in a quiet sob then he quickly got himself under
control and nodded his head. Sean smiled down at him. "I will never leave
you." Elijah looked up into his eyes. "Never." Sean said quietly.

Elijah's head went down and his face pressed into Sean's chest. He didn't
cry, but it was clear from his trembling body and shaking breath that he was
tremendously affected by Sean's words. For a long moment he did nothing
except press his face against Sean's skin. Then he lifted his head. "Thank
you." He breathed.

Sean was quiet for a moment, his hands softly stroking Elijah's back. Then
he smiled into his eyes. "Thank YOU." He murmured. "For giving me
someone I can't bear to lose."

He leaned down to kiss him. "But something has to happen soon, Lij." he
said quietly. "I can't go on like this any longer."

"What?" Elijah asked him.

"Well, since I can't bear to leave you," Sean said grimly, his face a study
in sorrow, "seems as though I'll have to leave her."

Elijah's mouth fell open and he pulled back from their embrace. "You're
kidding." He said staring up at Sean with wide eyes. "You can't really mean
it. She'd never let you go."

Sean laughed. "You have an exaggerated opinion of my popularity over
there. Believe me. She'll let me go." He shrugged. "Given how things have
been the past few months, she's probably dying to let me go." He sighed
deeply. "I'm going to talk to her about it as soon as I get home today."

Elijah's eyes were still wide with disbelief. "No." he said quietly. "It'll
never happen. It won't happen."

Sean looked at him. Elijah was trembling as though he were freezing. His
head was shaking again and again. No. No. No. He looked up at Sean. "It
won't happen," he whispered.

Sean ran his hands over Elijah's collarbone and shoulders and down his
arms. "Baby," he murmured. "Shhh. It's OK." He pulled Elijah close to his
body and rocked him slightly. "Lij, baby," he whispered. "It WILL happen.
It's going to happen." He leaned back to look into Elijah's eyes. "So if you
don't want me you had better speak up now so I can start looking for an
apartment."

He turned and gazed at the far wall, his eyes nearly gray in the dim light.
"My marriage is over," he murmured in a voice aching with sadness. "Over.
I've been avoiding this. Realizing this. But I can't lie to myself anymore.
It's over. The only thing that's left is deciding who gets what and when are my
visiting days." Then he turned back to look into Elijah's eyes. "So don't
say it isn't going to happen. It IS going to happen. And it's going to happen
today."

Elijah stared at Sean for a long time without saying a word. His face was
blank and Sean had no idea what was on his mind. "Baby, what is it?" he
asked gently. "If you don't want us to live together we don't have to."
Elijah's eyes got wide and he shook his head again. Then, suddenly, his
hands went in front of his face. He pulled away from Sean and sat upright
in the bed.

"Lijah!" Sean cried, sitting up too and pulling on Elijah's wrists. "God,
please tell me what's wrong! Do you not want to live with me?"

Elijah turned and threw his arms around Sean's neck. "I've never wanted
anything so much in my life!" he choked out. "It just hit me, that's all.
After all the years of never thinking it would happen, and being so lonely for you
most of the time, and seeing you with her and feeling so bad, and hating
myself for even wanting you... then you just announce that we're going to
live together as though it were the most normal thing on earth?"

Sean had begun to smile about halfway through Elijah's rambling speech.
He understood. It had just been too much. Too overwhelming. And it was
the middle of the night, and they'd been arguing, and neither of them had
slept for nearly 24 hours. He rocked Elijah slowly until his tense body
relaxed.

"Look," he murmured against Elijah's ear. "just lie here in my arms and go
to sleep. After we've slept, we can talk it all through. I want you to be
happy."

"Sean," Elijah whispered, "if you meant it about us being together, then
I'll be happier than you've ever seen me be.

The lay quietly in each other's arms for a long time. Suddenly Elijah sat
up. He looked down at Sean who stared back at him, puzzled. "What's wrong?"
he murmured.

"I want a promise from you. I want it right here and right now because I'm
not going to be able to sleep until I get it."

Sean nodded. "OK." he said quietly. "What's the promise?"

"I want your word. I want you to swear by everything you love and care
about that you will NEVER let things get to that place with you and I. That
you will NEVER stay when you'd rather go. That you'll NEVER love
someone else but stick with me out of some sense of . . . of duty or guilt."
Sean looked at him steadily. There was no doubt that Elijah was deadly
serious about this. And he was right.

"Yeah." Sean said with a sigh. "That's worse than leaving isn't it."

"Jesus, yes!" Elijah said, grabbing Sean's hand. "God, Sean. If you ever
went away it would shatter my heart. I believe I'd grieve for the rest of my
life." He looked down at their joined hands and bit his lip. Then he quickly
looked up into Sean's eyes. "But even THAT would be better than what you
described feeling for Chris." He clutched Sean's hand tighter. "I've felt so
jealous of her." Elijah said softly. "But now. . . God. I just feel sorry
for her."

Elijah's eyes were dark. Lack of sleep and the stress of arguing with Sean
had left the usually translucent skin beneath them looking grainy and
bruised. He was trembling with exhaustion. But he still clung to Sean's
hand. "Promise me." He said quietly. "Promise me now."

Sean nodded and looked up into Elijah's eyes. "I promise. I'll never let it
get like that with us." He thought for a moment. "What I really need to promise
is this: I promise I'll never lie to you." He shook his head sadly. "That's
what causes the damage. The lies."

Elijah leaned down and kissed Sean's lips. "Thank you." He whispered.
Sean shook his head and pulled Elijah back down beside him. He drew
Elijah's head to his shoulder and pressed his body hard against Sean's. He
sighed, wondering whether he'd ever be able to like himself again. Or trust
himself. He softly kissed the top of Elijah's head and pressed it hard
against his cheek. Time enough later on to assess the damage done. And
god knows there will be damage. "All I can hope for is to minimize it and do
as little harm as possible." Sean thought. "And that's just what I intend to
do.

Tomorrow was going to be a brutal day. He would call Mac first thing and
stop him from calling Chris with Sean's made-up story. Then he'd go . . .
home? Was it 'home' now? Sean sighed. He'd tell Chris where he'd been
tonight and what he felt for the young man he held so tightly in his arms.
She already knew, Sean was sure of this. But it would be good to say it. It
would be good to tell the truth. It would be good to drain the poison of
lies from his spirit no matter what the consequences of telling the truth might
be.

He stroked Elijah's hair. It would be good to be friends with Chris again.
Oh, Sean knew that wouldn't happen right away. But she was fair and
evenhanded at heart. He knew that eventually she'd wish him and Elijah
well.

What was he going to tell Ally? Chris had already twitted him because he'd
always prided himself on the fact that he told his daughter everything. Kept
nothing from her. But this? How to explain himself and Elijah to a 4 year
old.

Sean shrugged. He loved Elijah. And that's exactly what he'd tell Ally. She
loved Elijah too so maybe she'd see this as fairly normal. He'd never
discussed his and Chris's sex life with his daughter. In Sean's mind there
was no reason to think she'd be any more entitled to know about his sex
life with Elijah. The fact that they loved was all that was relevant anyway.

Sean heard Elijah's breath catch in his throat. Even asleep, the strain of
this day was reaching him and Sean snuggled him closer. He loved the
feeling of their naked bodies pressed together. Not for any sexual reason;
the gladness this contact brought him didn't draw heat into his groin. He
loved being able to be this vulnerable and open with Elijah.

To Sean, the nakedness of his body and the nakedness of his soul and
mind were one in the same. To expose one, he had to be able to expose
the other. He loved the trust he felt in Elijah. He loved knowing he would
be deeply cherished, no matter how open and honest he was about himself.
Elijah embraced this nakedness with as much joy and acceptance and he
did Sean's physical nakedness.

He leaned down to kiss the top of Elijah's head again, feeling sleep finally
beginning to catch up with him. Finally, this day was over.

When Elijah woke the next morning his first thought was to reach for Sean.
But no warm body shared the bed with him. Sean was gone. But on his
pillow was a note that Elijah read eagerly:

"Hey, babe. Didn't want to wake you. I've gone to tell her the things I have
to tell her. I don't expect it'll be easy and I don't expect to be back real
soon. This is going to take some talking through and I don't want to leave
while she's upset. Seems only fair to let her have her say. YOU need to get
up, take a shower, and look for a place with three bedrooms. I'll call you
later. I love you. Sean."

It still didn't seem possible that this was happening. After all the years
of longing and hopelessness. But Elijah believed Sean. He got up and headed
for the shower, singing. No matter how long it took, the next time he saw
Sean they would be together. REALLY together. Really together for the first
time. No matter how long it took.. Elijah was happy to wait. This... this
was worth waiting for.

-end