FIC: New Zealand Again. Sean/Elijah

[rakshi.livejournal.com]

I've spent a LOT of time at my trailer this summer.. and being there gave me the chance to do some writing. This is one of the stories that I wrote while up north. Hope all of you like it.



Title: New Zealand Again
Author: Rakshi ( rakshi_lady@hotmail.com )
Rating: NC17
Pairing: Sean Astin/Elijah Wood
Summary: Sean and Elijah are in New Zealand again. And a couple old friends need their help.
Feedback: Please.
Archive: The Sean-Elijah web site. Rakshi's web site. Others please ask.
Disclaimer: The stories here are works of satirical fantasy about public figures. They are completely fictional. I make no assertions about the actual private life or the sexual orientation of any person mentioned in them.


Author's Notes: Endless and abiding thanks to LadySunRope and the goddess of Sam/Frodo, Cara Loup, for being kind enough to beta 'New Zealand Again'. Their insights, their wisdom, and the generous gift of their time are what made this story come to life with honesty and clarity. Ladies, I am forever in your debt.

In this dream of life and death
I know so much I will forget
I know your body and your breath
I know your rhythm and your touch

I want you here
I want so much
I fear too much

Far too human to let go
I fight the river and the flow
I fight the love and the fear
I do not want to leave you here
In one body you appear
In this dream

I dream
And I still want so much
To touch the inside

I dream
And I still want to stay
Inside this dream with you

One Dream - October Project

New Zealand Again

Sean caught himself pacing and forced him self to stop. He was amazed at how nervous he was about this meeting. "Nervous?" he thought, shaking his head. "Scared to death is more like it." Without realizing it, he began to pace again.

"Why do I feel like this?" he wondered. "Its not as though I'm meeting a stranger or anything." He smiled, slowly, his mind filling with memories. "Far from it." Nevertheless, he couldn't quiet the butterflies that were storming in his stomach or calm the nervous fear that kept catching his breath.

He was waiting for his friend, his co-star, his lover, and the love of his life. Someone as close to him as his own breath. Someone he knew at the deepest possible levels and who knew him the same way. In spite of that, Sean felt as though he was expecting someone long awaited and sorely missed. A feeling of restless expectancy filled him.

And as much as he wanted it, the thought of this meeting caused a heavy feeling of unease to rise in his chest. There was a sense of dread, a heaviness, in the very air he breathed, as if an approaching storm had saturated it with tension. Sean shook himself, trying to rationalize his discomfort. It probably had a lot to do with the profoundly sad quality of the scenes he and Elijah had shot today. It very nearly overwhelmed both of them. At such times, leaving Sam and Frodo behind became much more difficult.

Sean worried as he paced. Where was Elijah? He was late in arriving and Sean didn't like it. Elijah had felt today's scenes deeply. At times like this his emotional bond with Frodo was intense and unshakable. So much so that it left Sean feeling ill at ease.

His restless striding took him past the full length mirror that adorned the door between the living room and bedroom. Sean caught a glimpse of himself as he passed and turned on his heel. He stared with a sense of wonder at the man whose reflection leapt back at him. Collar length sandy hair softly tousled around his face, gently pointed ears, clothing that spoke of a time or a place far removed from Sean's customary existence.

"God." He thought, continuing to stare. "It's the oddest thing! I can see Elijah in Frodo and Frodo in Elijah. But I can never see me in Sam or him in me." He moved closer to the mirror and gazed into his own eyes. "Hi, Sean." he said softly, watching Sam speak. "It's me. I'm here."

He trembled as a thrill ran through his body and his jaw fell open in surprise at his reaction. He had thought he wouldn't like this kind of interaction, but Sam's expression put Sean at ease. "I'm Sean." he whispered to the gentle-eyed hobbit who looked back at him. He saw Sam's lips move when he said the words and smiled. "We both know who we are, don't we, Sam?" Sean said to his reflection. "That's why neither of us is afraid." Sam smiled again and Sean turned away from the mirror.

He moved to the side window and stared outside. Night was falling and the mountains were already beginning to fade from view. Soon, the moon would advance and make silent love to the waiting highlands, leaving them misty and glowing. Sean stared, mesmerized, and was still staring when he heard the door behind him open.

"Sean?" a soft voice called. "You here?"

"Wrong name." Sean thought with a smile, and waited silently.

There was a moment of utter stillness, as Elijah hesitated. Sean heard him take a breath, and then . . . "Sam?" he asked

Sean's eyes closed and he felt his entire body sway with yearning. That one word evoked too much within him to be borne at times. "I'm here." He whispered. "Right here."

He couldn't look up but couldn't think why. He heard Elijah move toward him and studied the floor intently, a volcano of feeling leaping within him. Confusion kept his eyes down. Kept his hands still even when he felt Elijah touch his vest.

"Sam?" Frodo whispered his voice achingly close. "Are you alright, Sam? You look so wonderful."

Sean finally gathered enough courage to lift his head. He took in the sight of Frodo leaning toward him as one might take in air to breathe. His eyes wouldn't allow Sam's to turn away. They followed Sam's eyes: seeking; demanding attention, until Sam finally gave up and allowed their gazes to lock. Breath gone, he surrendered, gazing at Frodo with his heart in his eyes.

Frodo smiled at him, his beauty only serving to deepen Sam's confusion. He felt sure he'd never be able to speak even one word and he shook his head, despairing of his own self conscious shyness.

But Frodo's smile was filled with love and reassurance and it touched Sam's heart with courage. Never taking his eyes away from Frodo's, he took the hand that was grasping his vest and raised it to his lips. Sam's eyes slowly closed as he kissed Frodo's palm and fingers then opened again as he pressed Frodo's palm against his face and leaned into his touch. Hearing Frodo gasp softly, Sam slid his lips to Frodo's wrist, feeling the pulse there suddenly surge against his kiss.

For a long moment they looked at each other without speaking, both of them breathless. Then Frodo looked down and clasped Sam's other hand. "Come sit down with me." Frodo said softly, leading him to the couch. As they sat together, Frodo could feel Sam trembling and wondered if he was having a hard time dealing with the feelings their meeting was creating within him. Wondered if Sean was sorry he had agreed to it.

"Sean?" Elijah said in a small voice. No answer.

"Sam?" he whispered.

"Yes." A whisper back.

Frodo smiled and touched his hair. "Are you alright? Can you talk to me?"

"Yes." Sam whispered again, lifting Frodo's hand and kissing it again. "I can talk now, Mr. Frodo."

Frodo's breath caught. "Please don't call me that." He felt his heart break to hear Sam, his dearest Sam, call him by the name that seemed to allude to differences between them. Frodo longed to wipe away any differences. Any distance. Any thing that kept him from becoming one with this good, decent man. He saw Sam look at him with shy eyes.

"And what shall I call you then?" he asked smiling. Frodo felt a great flood of relief pour through him. Sam's gentle-hearted smile was everything to Frodo. A gauge not only of his love, but of his comfort.

"Well," Frodo said gently. "You could simply call me Frodo." He looked up at Sam with a shy smile of his own. "Or you could call me by any other name your heart tells you is right."

"Oh?" Sam replied, smiling. He half turned on the couch and, draping his arm across it's back, began to toy with Frodo's hair. "A name like say. . ." He looked up as if thinking. " . . . friend?"

"Yes." Frodo said softly, clearly disappointed. "That name would certainly do."

Hearing his disappointment, Sam smiled. He felt his confusion slowly draining away. He knew this face in front of him. Knew it and loved it beyond the power of his poor words to express. But he had other ways to speak of his love. Ways that Frodo knew and understood.

He touched Frodo's cheek gently. "Or," Sam whispered. "I suspect I could call you 'me dear' and be speaking the truth."

Frodo stared at him with wide eyes. "I like that name." He murmured.

"And I suppose," Sam breathed, leaning down to brush his lips against Frodo's cheek. "I could say. . . beloved." Frodo was instantly seized by a rush of sensation that took his breath. He turned to Sam, and lifted his eyes.

Hearing his halted breathing dissolved the last of Sam's fear. He brushed his lips against Frodo's open mouth. "Beloved." Sam breathed, feeling as though he were drowning again. Frodo's arms wound around his neck, clinging to him, pressing himself against Sam's chest.

"Beloved," Sam whispered. He buried his face against Frodo's hair, catching him around the waist and tightening his arms to hold Frodo close to him. "Oh, Sam!" he heard Frodo moan. His head was turning from side to side as though he was trying to burrow into Sam for shelter. "Sam." Frodo moaned again, his voice was grating with the need to cry and Sean leaned back, instantly alarmed.

"Elijah?" he asked, his voice edged with worry. He tried to push Elijah back so he could look at him. Talk to him. But Elijah shook his head sharply and clung even tighter.

"Frodo?" Sam said, feeling him trembling. "Please tell me what's wrong."

Frodo shook his head. "I can't. It's too hard."

"No. No." Sam said, stroking his hair. "No, that won't do. Oh, won't you tell me? How else can I bear it? How else can I make it better?" This last sentence came from Sean, and he was certain that Elijah knew it. But there still was no answer. The trembling body in his arms was still trying to nestle closer to him. Still moving his head from side to side as if saying 'No' to some frightening force.

"Frodo?" Sam whispered, trying to lift his head and look into his eyes. But Frodo pushed his hands away and leaned against Sam's chest again, as if hiding.

Sam's arms were around Frodo's body tightly. He leaned his head against Frodo's and put his mouth nearly against Frodo's ear. "Beloved?" he whispered. "Please tell your Sam why you're upset like this. I can't bear it. I'll be thinking I did something to hurt you. Please don't leave me thinking something like that if it's not true. And if it is, please do tell me so I don't do it again."

Frodo took a deep, shuddering breath, and lifted his head to stare at Sam. That soft and kindly voice. Gentle accent roughened with worry. Worry over him. Ready to blame himself. Frodo's face twisted with sorrow, but also with regret. "Oh Sam," he cried. "I'm so sorry. It's nothing you've done. How could it be?" He caressed Sam's brow. "You've never done anything to hurt me." Frodo whispered to him. "Never."

"Something's hurting you." Sam whispered. "Something's just about broken your heart." He leaned back to look at Frodo. "And just who have you been with except me?"

Sean had dropped his 'Sam' accent entirely when he asked this last question. He'd done it on purpose and now he looked hard at Elijah. He was one split second away from tearing off the wig, and demanding that Elijah talk to him. Him! Elijah glanced sharply at him, and Sean knew he saw the difference. Saw it and heard it. And now Sean waited.

Elijah shook his head and, to Sean, he looked weary beyond belief. Today had been long and arduous. Their 'feet' were on before the sun came up, and weren't removed until it was nearly below the horizon. Neither of them minded though. It was worth losing a bit of sleep to be Sam and Frodo again, a task that always required learning lines but never required acting. All they needed was a strong enough motivation, and Peter Jackson provided more than enough of that.

But today's scenes had been emotionally torturous for both of them. And in spite of the intensity they'd been required to demonstrate, PJ's guiding hand hadn't been required. They knew the lines. They knew this part of the book by heart. They only had to look at each other and think about what was going on, and they were living it. Hardly aware of cameras and crew. Oblivious, at times, when PJ yelled, 'Cut'! Lost in each other.

Afterward, Sean had watched Elijah anxiously. He was quiet and withdrawn, responding to Sean's troubled inquiries with a wan smile and quick kiss before drifting off to be by himself. Sean had wanted to follow him, but was needed elsewhere and hadn't seen him since. His concern for Elijah made concentration difficult for the next few hours. He tried Elijah's cell phone again and again but never got an answer. Finally he felt his own phone vibrate in his hand and thumbed it anxiously thinking: "Please let it be him. . . ."

"Hello?"

"Hi."

Elijah!

Sean breathed a huge sigh of relief. "Jesus! Where ARE you? I've been worried sick about you."

"I'm sorry, baby. I'm OK. Went for a walk and then went home."

"I'll be there soon, Lij. Almost done here. I want us to have a quiet evening. OK? Just us. Please."

He could almost hear Elijah's smile through the phone.

"Yes. I want that too. But, Sean? Please.. could you come home dressed as Sam? I'll be there just after you. Or rather Frodo will. Could you? Would you?"

"If you want me to."

"Yes. I do. Please."

Elijah's voice sounded strained and Sean nearly changed his mind and asked that they leave it for another night. But he knew this meeting meant a lot to Elijah and thought perhaps it might lighten his heart after today's tough shoot.

"OK, baby. I'll be there. Or rather.. Sam will. I love you."

"Love you too. See you later."

And he was gone...

This would be the first time they'd been alone together as Sam and Frodo since their arrival in New Zealand. Elijah had wanted them to meet like this. He'd talked about it for weeks before they'd arrived. Talked about Frodo and Sam meeting in costumes and wigs and fully in character. Sean didn't object at all.

He suspected that Elijah wanted this encounter because their last time together as Sam and Frodo had been so fraught with emotional chaos. There was never a time when the love between them was fully acknowledged and they could be together in peace. Sean was more than willing to share such a moment with Elijah. Eager to, in fact. But it wasn't turning out the way he'd expected.

"Frodo." Sam murmured, frightened by Frodo's continued resistance to his pleadings. "Please talk to me." Frodo's only answer was a negative twisting of his head and a moan that sounded like Sam's name.

Sean leaned back and sighed. "Lijah," he said softly. "We need to talk." He caressed his face, then kissed him softly. "Please, baby." Elijah shook his head. No.

"Sam." He moaned again, nestling against Sam's neck.

"Tell me." Sam said in a weary voice, tightening his arms around Frodo.

"I'm so tired." Frodo murmured. "So tired." Sam rocked him gently and felt him begin to weep. "It hurts." He sobbed against Sam's vest.

"What hurts?" Sam asked him, alarmed again. "Tell me what hurts you!"

"They hurt me." Frodo wept. "They hurt me. All of them hurt me. IT hurt me! It scared me. I was so afraid I was going to hurt you. Be mean to you. Harm you somehow. It's inside me still. All they did. All IT did! All."

Sam's eyes widened. He rocked Frodo, soothing him as best he could, but he said nothing. He felt his heart constrict with pain so intense it's doubtful that he could have spoken. It wasn't the first time he'd felt this way and every time it happened he prayed it was the last. Prayed that he could finally release these feelings and find peace. But the sight and sound of Frodo's pain set the clawing animal loose within him again. Tearing at him.

Frodo clung to him lifting his face to be kissed. "Sam. Sam." He cried helplessly. "They hurt me so much."

This was almost the end for Sean. He would have called a halt at once if Elijah hadn't made it clear he only wanted to talk to Sam. He was often like that after doing emotionally distressing scenes. Frodo needed Sam. He wouldn't let Sean change. Wouldn't let him get out of character. Needed to hear Sam's voice. Needed to be petted and be reassured. But he had never been this upset for this long before. Had never said things like this. Never.

Sean might have been able to handle Frodo's distress were it not for the other, even more devastating, feelings that battered his consciousness. Sam was suffering terribly. Sean could almost 'see' him wince and cower in pain every time Frodo cried out. To Sean, it was as though the little hobbit was being beaten and Frodo's every word was another cruel blow. Sam's heart was crushed beneath the weight of Frodo's pain, believing with all his heart that his neglect and clumsiness had somehow allowed his beloved to be harmed.

Sean could almost hear him weep. Hear him try to explain. He had left Frodo's body, believing him to be dead. Brokenhearted, his world shattered beyond hope of repair, Sam had undertaken the task of destroying the vile ring for his beloved Master. He believed that Frodo wanted this above all else, and Sam meant to do it for him. Then he would return to Frodo and join him in death. His only reason for living was gone, and he meant to follow Frodo into whatever the afterlife offered.

But Frodo wasn't dead! Stunned by Shelob's sting, his body simulated death which completely deceived Sam. Had he thought for one moment that Frodo still lived, he never would have left him. He would have stayed and cared for Frodo if it had meant his own death or the death of the whole world. But Sam believed he had lost Frodo, and when he saw the orcs with his body and heard them say that Frodo was still alive, he nearly died of shock and shame.

Frodo suffered terribly in Cirith Ungol, that much was made clear in the book. Elijah and Sean had discussed it many times. Doing the Cirith Ungol scenes had been very difficult for both of them, but until now Sean had not realized the depth of the guilt that ravaged the heart of the gallant little hobbit he portrayed.

Sam believed he had failed. Failed at Weathertop. Failed to protect Frodo from Shelob. Failed at Cirith Ungol. And failed to keep the ring from torturing and corrupting his beloved master. His guilt over these failures was monumental. In a flash of insight Sean realized why Sam hadn't tried harder to prevent Frodo from going to the undying lands. Sam believed he had no right to protest. Believed he had no right to say anything that might prevent his beloved from going where he could find healing and peace.

Sam's gentle heart shattered beyond any hope of repair at the Grey Havens, but he found some level of peace in the knowledge that he had at last been able to do one thing to heal and protect his beloved. He had been able to say goodbye.

Sam held Frodo close, murmuring soft and gentle words, hoping that somehow they would overpower the savage memories that tortured them both. He kissed Frodo's cheek and caressed his back.

"You're alright now." Sam crooned to him. "I won't let anything harm you." But even as he said the words Sean felt Sam's heart twist with pain. He didn't really believe it. Didn't believe he COULD protect or help Frodo since he'd never been able to in the past. Sean was having a hard time staying with Sam. He couldn't be in character without feeling Sam's tremendous guilt. He couldn't feel Sam's guilt and do anything to help Frodo. And above all else, every passing moment left him feeling more deeply concerned about Elijah's too intimate identification with Frodo and with his pain.

"This is nuts." Sean thought. He tried to push Elijah back to look into his eyes but Elijah only clung to him more fiercely, moaning Sam's name.


Sean couldn't take anymore. Suddenly he felt frightened. "Elijah!" he cried, catching his shoulders and shaking them. "Elijah, look at me! Stop this!"

Elijah stared up at him frantically. "Help him!" he begged Sean. "Seanie. Please help him. He's so hurt. Hurt inside from what happened to him. Help him."

"How?" Sean asked him? "How? Elijah you're starting to scare me. Let Frodo go for now. Let him go."

"I can't!" Elijah cried. "I can't, Sean. He's inside me. He's so hurt and afraid. I felt it today and I still feel it. He needs Sam to make it better. To make HIM better."

Sean sighed deeply. "Come here, baby." He whispered, pulling Elijah into his arms. "Everything's OK now."

"He's so damaged." Elijah moaned softly against Sean's chest. "He suffered so much, Sean."

Sean knew Elijah was right. Frodo had suffered terribly. But worse yet was the pain that Sam endured, having to see his beloved go through such tortures and be helpless to do anything about it. Sean looked down at Elijah's head, pressed against his chest. Safe. Untouched by anything harmful or evil, and felt a profound sense of gratitude.

He thought for a long moment and then tipped Elijah's face up to him. "Listen to me." He hesitated, then shook his head and spoke. "I can't heal Frodo and neither can Sam."

Elijah started to protest but Sean shook his head and covered Elijah's mouth with his hand. "I didn't say we couldn't help him. But we can't heal him. He has to work it through on his own. Sam can be there for him, and he will be. His love will always be there. HE will always be there. But Frodo has to work it through alone."

Elijah opened his mouth to speak but Sean covered it with his hand again. "And YOU," he said firmly, taking Elijah's shoulders in his two hands and shaking him lightly. "have got to stop being such a willing conduit for him! You can't help anyone while you're freaking out yourself."

Elijah froze in Sean's hands and looked up at him. "Now take a deep breath." Sean murmured. "And relax."

Elijah did as Sean suggested and Sean pulled him into his arms, pressing Elijah's face against his chest. "Jesus, Lij!" Sean said softly. "It's one thing to identify with them and even have a strong sense of their presence. But we can't be going all schizo!"

"Especially ME!" Sean thought. His family history made him especially leery of anything that implied mental disorder, and the connection he and Elijah had with Sam and Frodo seemed dangerously close, on occasion, to the clinical definition of some kind of multiple identity. And that, frankly, scared Sean to death.

"Sean?" Elijah asked, quietly, sitting up next to Sean. "Do you honestly think I'm behaving like a schizo?" His eyes were big and he looked at Sean with dismay.

"No, baby." Sean reassured him. "Of course not. I was just trying to make a point." He took Elijah's hand and looked at him. He WAS Frodo, of course. Tolkien, himself, would have recognized him. And there was no denying that Elijah felt very close to the elf-like little hobbit just as Sean was tremendously bonded with Sam. The psychic covenant they seemed to have with the two fictional hobbits was intense enough to be clearly visible on the movie screen, and was just as intense in their private lives.

"I feel what he must have felt." Elijah said quietly. "He didn't want to leave Sam. He wanted to stay with him. He knew Sam was the only thing on earth that could help him heal inside. The Grey Havens never should have happened!"

Sean stroked his hair. "OK, Lij. OK. I believe that too. But does it really matter? It's over now! If it all had been REAL, enough time has passed that they'd be together now anyway!"

"Today . . . today . . . " Elijah stammered. "I felt so . . . " He shook his head, grabbing Sean's hand, trying to find a word that fit. "Help me!" he said to Sean finally. "I can't think of the right word!"

"Scared?" Sean offered, but Elijah shook his head.

"No." he murmured. "Not scared." Suddenly he looked up into Sean's eyes. "Lost." he said quietly. "I felt lost. As though there was no safety anywhere for me. No place for me to go."

"That's what you were supposed to feel!" Sean told him, grasping his hand tightly. "That's what the scene we were doing called for, Elijah." He grabbed Elijah's shoulders again and shook him gently. "But it's over now! We're US again. And you are safe! Right here with me. Safe."

"Frodo needs Sam." Elijah insisted. "He needs him." He dropped his head into his hands for a moment, then turned back to face Sean. "Please be Sam for him." He pleaded, taking Sean's face in his hands. Please, Sean. Do it for me."

"And do what?" Sean asked, covering Elijah's hands with his own. "I can't help Frodo. SAM can't help Frodo! Jesus, the poor little guy is half insane with guilt! They both need to spend the next 15 years in therapy! What can WE do to help?"

"I feel as though doing this movie made him part of me somehow." Elijah said softly. "I felt it today on the set. I could feel him crying. He was so terribly sad." He put his arms around Sean's neck. "Please, be my Samwise." He looked into Sean's eyes. "Please be with me, Sam. Don't leave me all alone. You're the only one who can heal me."

"Jesus, Elijah." Sean whispered, "Please stop." He felt his love for Elijah pulling on him. Seducing him. His pleas to Sean to 'become' his Samwise were compelling. It was terribly hard for Sean to say 'No'. But he felt a thrill of fear tighten his stomach and pulled away. "Please don't do this to me, baby. This whole thing scares me."


Elijah pressed a kiss against Sean's cheek. "Hold me, Sam. Hold me close to you."

Against his better judgement, Sean pulled Elijah into his arms and rocked him gently. "Baby. Please. I'll sit here with you for a minute. But then I want you to take that wig and costume off and let all this go for awhile." He pushed Elijah back so that he could look into his eyes. "You ARE my Frodo!" Sean told him quietly but with unflinching resolve. "And I AM your Samwise! And I plan to PROVE it by not letting this thing go any further."

Elijah smiled and buried his face in Sean's neck. "Sam. Sam." He murmured. "I love you, Sam."

Sean shook his head. "No." he said firmly. "Not Sam. I'm Sean. Don't call me Sam right now." He shook Elijah's shoulders gently. "Do you hear me, Elijah?" Sean reached up and yanked on his wig, pulling it off, then he gently tugged on Elijah's.

"Sean." Elijah begged him in a soft voice, his hand reaching to cover Sean's. "Please don't. Please."

But Sean shook his head again and pulled Elijah's wig off. "No, Elijah. It's done for today." He gently peeled the false ears off Elijah, and removed his own as well. He undid the clasp of Elijah's cloak and took it off his shoulders. Elijah's head was down, and Sean could feel him trembling but he didn't hesitate. He took his vest off and laid it next to Elijah's cloak. "Now."he said, lifting Elijah's face up with one gentle hand. "Now we can talk."

"I still feel him." Elijah murmured. "Sean, he's not gone."

"I know." Sean said, gently. "But there's something about taking that stuff off that distances us. Even if the gesture is purely symbolic, it gives us back our identity. I need that, Elijah." He pulled Elijah across his lap and cradled him in his arms.

"Now."he said, looking down at Elijah's dark head resting in the crook of his arm. "Now, talk to me. Slowly. Calmly. No clutching or crying or getting all upset." He snugged Elijah against him so he could feel the solid reassurance of Sean's body, and bent to kiss him. "Tell me." He murmured.

"He needs Sam." Elijah whispered, stroking Sean's hair. "He honestly believes that Sam's love is the only thing on earth that can save him. He was.. he IS.. half crazy because of the whole Grey Havens thing. He calls it an abomination, Sean. An abomination."

Sean nodded. "That's what I call it too." The he sighed deeply. "Lij, Sam is so fucked up with guilt I'm not sure how he COULD help Frodo."

Elijah was silent for a long moment. He stared into space, lost in thought. "Once when I was small," he whispered to Sean. "I broke something of Hannah's. A china doll that she loved. She was heartbroken and I felt terrible." He looked up into Sean's eyes. "I asked my mom what I should do and she told me that the only way a person can stop feeling guilty when they've done a wrong is to feel sorry, ask for forgiveness, and not do that wrong thing again."

Sean smiled. "Catholic dogma." he said, chuckling. "Was your mom Catholic?" Elijah shook his head and Sean waved his hand in dismissal. "It doesn't matter. It's dogma in nearly every religion and recovery program. They may say it differently but it boils down to the same thing. Repent, confess, amend."

Elijah looked at him, confused. But Sean's eyes suddenly gleamed. He sat Elijah up and grabbed both their wigs. "Put it on."he said, handing Elijah his Frodo wig, and he slipped his own wig over his hair and tucked in the few stray strands that escaped. He draped Frodo's cloak over Elijah's shoulders and put Sam's vest back on. Then he turned to Elijah.

"OK."he said quietly, his palms resting on Elijah's shoulders. "I want to try something. If it works, it may help. If not... " he shrugged. "Well, it shouldn't make things any worse."

Elijah nodded at him. "Ok, Sean. Whatever you say."

Sean smiled at him and leaned down to kiss his mouth with great care and tenderness. "I love you." He whispered.

Elijah's breath caught in his throat. "I love you too." He choked out, his eyes smarting.

Sean smiled at him and reached up to straighten his Frodo wig a bit. "OK. You ready?" Elijah nodded and Sean closed his eyes. For a long moment he just breathed deeply, praying that somehow the thing he was about to do would touch Sam. Would help him.

He opened his eyes and looked at Frodo. "I need to tell you something." Sam whispered in a broken voice.

Elijah's mouth fell open and the tears that had been burning his eyes overflowed onto his face. Sam's despair was breaking his heart. "Sam." He whispered, caressing his face. "It's alright. Sam."

Sam shook his head. "I'm so sorry." He murmured in that same broken voice. "So sorry. Oh, my Frodo! You suffered so because I wasn't strong enough to protect you. You suffered so because I wasn't smart enough to know that you weren't dead. You suffered so because I'm clumsy, and weak, and simple minded." He looked at Frodo and his eyes, too, were overflowing onto his cheeks. "Forgive me. Please, my Frodo, forgive me."

Sam's face fell into his hands and he cried. The sobs that tore through his body were shattering, and Sean did nothing to try to still or diminish them. He left all that to Frodo.

"Sam!" Frodo cried, pulling Sam into his arms. "Oh my sweet Sam you are so wrong!" He rocked Sam in his arms, feeling his body shaking uncontrollably. For an instant Elijah was frightened. This was so unlike Sean! He didn't like to cry. The thought of uncontrollable weeping alarmed him. It released feelings locked in his childhood memories and he constantly fought for control to avoid just this kind of scene. But not now. Sean had given himself completely to Sam's feelings and was wracked with sobs.

Elijah clutched Sean in his arms, loving him so much he could scarcely breathe. He was doing this for Sam. Because he loved Sam. And for Frodo too. So they could find peace together. He clutched Sam tighter in his arms and began to murmur into his ear. "My Sam. My love. You're so wrong. You were the true hero in our quest. If not for you.. nothing, Sam. Nothing at all. I would have died a dozen times if not for your courage and wisdom. Terrible things happened to both of us, but your strength never failed me, Sam. You saved me. You saved us all."

Elijah clasped Sean's face in his two hands and lifted his head. He began to rain kisses onto his cheeks, kissing away the tears, murmuring his name, whispering of his love, his devotion, his gratitude. "Sam, Sam." Frodo whispered. "You are my hero. Nothing to forgive, my Samwise. We both did our best. I love you, Sam. I do love you so much."

"Sam." Frodo whispered. "Sam." He kissed Sam's trembling lips again and again. His open mouth pressed against Sam's with so much hunger that Sam whimpered and gasped against his lips. "Frodoooo." He moaned. "Oh, Frodo, please."

Frodo's arms wound around Sam's neck, clinging to him. But for a long moment Elijah Wood wasn't sure who he was comforting. His instinct . . . trained by years of acting . . . was to stay in character and play this scene to its end. His instinct . . . nurtured by long months of feeling a deep and protective love for Sean Astin . . . was to pull Sean out of this painful ordeal just as Sean had rescued him earlier. It was never really a contest.

"Sean." he murmured against Sam's curls. "Seanie, please. Let's stop now." He turned Sean's tear streaked face to his and kissed him again. "Please, baby. Stop now!"

Sean shook his head. No. He buried his face against Elijah's neck and drew in a deep, shuddering breath. Elijah could feel his body trembling and he nestled Sean against him, rocking him and dropping kiss after kiss onto his face and Sam's hair.

"Frodo." Sean whispered. "Please say you forgive me. I have to hear you say it, Frodo. I do. Please tell me." Sam's face turned toward Frodo, pleading. "Say you forgive me." He choked out.

"I forgive you, Sam." Frodo breathed. "I only say this because you insist that I do. You need no forgiving for you, above all others, have done no wrong. But," Frodo smiled at Sam gently and pulled his face forward to kiss him. "I will SAY I forgive you for all your perceived wrongs so that your heart will be at ease about me and about yourself."

Frodo kissed Sam softly, and then harder and with a deep and hungry need. "Sam." He whispered. "Can we be at peace together now? Can we be together the way we were meant to be? The way we've wanted to be?"

Sam clutched Frodo around the waist and held him tight. "Yes, my beloved." He whispered. "Now we can be together. No more separations. Not ever. Not for us. We're past all that now." For long minutes they clung to each other, rocking slowly, both trembling, both nearly in tears. Both of them felt Sam and Frodo slipping into the recesses of their consciousness.

"This reminds me of the boat." Elijah murmured. Sean nodded and stroked his back gently.

"I know, baby. It does me too." He clung to Elijah's body, still trembling. Then he looked up at him. "You ok?"

Elijah nodded, stroking his hair. "You?"

"Yeah. I feel better. But what's more important is, I think Sam feels better." He caught Elijah's chin in his hand and drew him forward to kiss him. The moment their lips met Sean gasped and crushed Elijah's mouth against his own. Whimpering, he suckled Elijah's lips as though they were food, drink.. nourishment for every part of his being. He longed to absorb Elijah's essence into his very soul.

"Baby," Sean murmured. "Oh god, baby, please."

Elijah responded with equal passion. He trembled with desire and clung to Sean, moaning into his mouth. "Sean! God, please. Can't we go to bed now?"

Sean pulled the wig from his head and then tugged Elijah's wig off as well. "I want to be us. Really us." He murmured. He pulled Frodo's cloak off Elijah's shoulders and laid Sam's vest on top of it. "There." Sean said quietly, turning to look at Elijah. "Now. Now. Yes. We can go to bed now."

Sean pulled Elijah to his feet and led him by the hand back to their bedroom. He passed the mirror on his way and slowed long enough to ponder the two figures he saw reflected there. Sean's eye still saw Frodo inside the image of Elijah. But he always did see Frodo there so this was no surprise. Glancing at himself, he was amazed to catch a glimpse of Sam. This WAS a surprise, and Sean stopped walking and gaped into the mirror.

Elijah almost ran Sean over when he came to his sudden stop. He looked at Sean who was staring into the mirror. "What's wrong? What do you see?"

Sean shook his head and turned to smile at Elijah. "Nothing, baby." He murmured. "Just making sure who I am."

He pulled Elijah down on the bed beside him and began to unbutton the buttons on his shirt while Elijah watched him, smiling. "You can never do that, you know." he said, his grin deepening.

Sean shot him a fake glare and turned back to Elijah's shirt. "I've got TWO fucking college degrees. I can unbutton a shirt."

Elijah laughed again as Sean fumble-fingered the buttons until they were all loose. "See?" Sean said, winking at him. "I am vindicated!!" He hopped up from the bed long enough to shed the rest of his clothes and then lay back down beside his lover, watching as he arched up to remove his slacks and briefs.

Elijah tossed his clothes onto the floor and turned on his side to look at Sean. "No." Sean said, pushing on his shoulder. "Lay here. Like this." He gently pushed Elijah down until he was lying flat on his back, head resting on the crook of Sean's left arm, cradled against him.

Sean looked down at him for a long time. He thought about Frodo and Sam and the unbearable suffering they had endured. He thought about the love they shared. The love that grew stronger in the face of all adversity. He thought about their separation, and felt the pain that both of them must have endured when they were forced to say goodbye. Frodo had called the Grey Havens an 'abomination' and Sean agreed with his assessment. The thought of a sixty year separation from Elijah was unsupportable to Sean. He simply could not bear it.

"I never would have let you go." Sean whispered to Elijah, stroking his forehead with gentle fingers. "But poor Sam. He felt too guilty to protest." His fingers trailed down Elijah's cheek and brushed over the full, beautiful lips. "Trust me," he whispered, leaning down. "I would never let it happen. I WILL never let it happen. I promise."


He kissed Elijah with all his heart yearning to know that his vow was repeated in the feeling of their mouths pressing together. Sean's lips caressed Elijah's gently. . . softly . . . but with an urgency that was intoxicating to both of them. Sean heard and felt Elijah moan into his mouth and gasped. That single act was devastating. Desire raged through Sean's body and his mouth captured Elijah's with passionate intensity.

Somehow they needed nothing more than the feeling of their mouths mindlessly clinging to each other. Their kisses engulfed them both, absorbing each other, feeling drugged by the intense longing that the union of their lips created.

Sean pulled Elijah against his body, crushing them together. They were both gasping and Sean knew neither of them could last much longer. Elijah cried out his name, and Sean grasped his hips, pulling them even closer to each other, rocking against Elijah's body. Both their cocks ached and throbbed, and Sean frantically tried to create the friction they desperately craved.

In the midst of this mindless longing, Sean's mind flashed to Sam. He looked down and Elijah's eyes locked with his. Moaning, Sean lowered his mouth to Elijah's ear. "Frodo?" he whispered. "Frodo?"

Sean raised his head and looked, once again, into Elijah's eyes. They were brimming with tears. He tried to speak and Sean lowered his head again to hear him. "Sam?" he said, his voice nearly inaudible. "I'm here, Sam."

Sam captured Frodo's lips with hungry urgency, feeding on the sweetness of his mouth. Their kiss was fierce and demanding, as though they thought they might not have another chance.

Their bodies writhed against each other for only a moment before ripples of ecstasy flooded through them both. They cried each other's names and clung together, as blissful tremors shook their bodies.

"Sean!" Elijah cried, his arms tight around Sean's neck. "Sean, please tell me it's you."

"Shhhh, baby." Sean murmured against his hair. "Of course it's me." He rocked Elijah's body against his gently, stroking his back, his hair, his arms. Soothing him. "I think," Sean said finally, "that they just wanted a moment together."

"Did they have to pick THAT moment?" Elijah griped.

Sean glanced down quickly and gave an answering smile when he saw Elijah's grin and wink. "I think that was the moment they were looking for all along." Sean murmured. "I don't begrudge it to them." He grinned down at Elijah. "What the hell. We felt it too!"

"And we did all the prep work." Elijah said, still smiling, his hands roving softly all over Sean's body.

Sean looked deep into his stunning eyes, feeling himself becoming more captivated by the moment. Leaning down slowly, he watched Elijah's eyes darken as he kissed him. Then Sean lifted his head. "Do you think we helped?" Sean asked him quietly.

"I think they have more peace now." Elijah told him. "I know I don't feel Frodo crying and in awful pain. Do you feel Sam?"

Sean thought for a long moment, seeing the kind little hobbit as he had when they exchanged greetings in front of the mirror. "Sam's better too." Sean said. He could see Sam smiling gently. He could see Frodo at his side. "That's all either of us need." Sean thought, turning to gaze down at his 'Frodo' with fervent love. "Just to have them near us and safe."

"They're closer to us here, you know." Elijah murmured. "Sean, might we ever live here? Or at least have a place here?"

Sean smiled. "If you'd like that we could talk about it." He gazed past Elijah and out the window next to their bed. It was full dark now and the moon had risen, pale and glistening, over the mountains. "Yes." Sean said softly, to Elijah and to their two kindly counterparts. "I would like that. I would like to always be able to think that I'll see New Zealand again."

All four of them smiled. All four of them slept.

- end -



Now I know
That every dream begins with you
And ends in time
Now I know
That maybe I am too alive

If I could speak in tongues of flame
I'd burn forever with your name
And take it with me through all time
I would remember who you are
In every life I'd touch your heart
In every dream

I dream
And I still want so much
To touch the inside

I dream
And I still want to stay
Inside this dream with you

One Dream - October Project

- end -