Mimm (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
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fellowshippers2002-07-14 08:53 pm
mimm) wrote in fellowshippers2002-07-14 08:53 pm
The 5th part. Finally.
Series: Destinies Entwined (6 parts)
Title: Reality (5/6)
Rating: Will go up to NC-17 by the time all parts are finished.
Pairing: SA/EW, sort of EW/DM and still not...
Warnings: Angst and frustration
Disclaimer: This is - once again - fiction. None of it happened anywhere except in my mind. And that's the way it's going to be. I wrote this for fun (angst for fun?) and I didn't get paid.
Summary: The title says it. Reality. Christine.
Feedback: All is welcome. Even if this sucks. I need to know.
Authors notes: Thanks again to![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
empy for being the patient beta.
Destinies Entwined - Part five: Reality
Elijah was standing by himself, listening to Sean who was having a talk with Peter a few paces away. The day had been pure hell, but there was nothing Elijah could do about it. He was thinking about the night before. Everything he had been hoping for was coming true. Suddenly there was a chance for him and Sean. Elijah had been dreaming about it, but never thought it could be possible. Not when Christine was there.
Then, Christine was gone. Sean was free and wanted Elijah. Elijah, of all the people in the world. For a little while they had each other. And, right then, when everything seemed to be almost too perfect, it became that; too perfect. Christine came back.
Elijah and Orlando had left Sean and Christine to talk. Later, Sean had come to wardrobe, quiet and looking confused. Elijah had been searching for something in Sean's eyes, something that would tell him what had happened, but there had been only sadness and pain. No words were spoken because others were there, and none of them knew anything about what had happened between Elijah and Sean.
Peter left and Sean stood alone, closing his eyes for a while, sighing deeply. He looked abandoned, and Elijah couldn't take it anymore. He went to Sean to inquire what it was Christine had wanted. Elijah didn't have to say anything because Sean knew what was on his mind. After a while Sean answered the unspoken question.
"She wants me back."
Elijah turned his head a bit and looked far behind Sean. Then he lowered his head, looked down at his hobbit feet, kicked a few stones in front of him, and looked at Sean again.
"What are you going to do?" he asked.
At first, Sean couldn't look at Elijah. Then he took Elijah by the shoulders, and looked him so deep in the eyes it hurt. He didn't say a word.
But Elijah knew. He tore himself away from Sean, and defiance in the voice that was nearly breaking, he spat out the words he heard shouting in his head. (You're leaving me! You're fucking leaving me!)
"Fuck you, Sean Astin! Fuck you and fuck your pretty little wife! But that's what you're going to do anyway, isn't it?"
Sean could do nothing to stop Elijah from running away.
* * * * *
"What's up with you two? If there's something troubling you, please tell me. I need my people to give me a hundred and fifty per cent of their concentration. You're giving me, what, fifty?"
Peter wasn't happy about Elijah's behaviour. Not happy at all. Elijah had been forgetting his lines, he couldn't look at Sean like Frodo was supposed to look at Sam, he was absent-minded most of the time. He was a total mess and it seemed he had lost his ability to act.
"I'm sorry. I promise I'll try my best from now on."
Peter went away, hoping Elijah would do what he promised.
The worst thing was that Elijah had nobody to talk to. For months Sean had been his secret, the one nobody knew about. Now Orlando knew, but Elijah didn't want to go to him because Orlando was already Sean's confidant. Elijah had to find someone else. And that someone else was Dominic, one of his closest friends in the whole Fellowship.
* * * * *
"Dom. You can keep a secret, right?" Elijah began one morning when he walked out of wardrobe with Dominic.
"Sure. What is it?" Dominic asked cheerfully, playing with his pointy hobbit ears. He didn't know what to expect so he didn't expect anything. But Elijah looked dead serious when Dominic looked at him. Definitely not a good sign.
"I need you to promise me that you won't get mad. That you won't just run away screaming. That you'll try to understand this whole thing from my point of view. Can you do that? Because if you can't, I won't tell you. I don't need anything negative around me right now. I've had enough of it already."
Dominic stopped walking and turned to face his friend. He started to feel concerned. What was Elijah talking about so intensely? Dominic pulled him further from the others and asked him to sit down.
"What's wrong? You can trust me. You know you can."
Elijah was sitting on the ground, his knees pulled up and spread loosely, his hands around his legs, head hanging down, looking at the ground beneath him.
"Promise me you won't do anything extreme," Elijah begged.
Dominic was lost. What was Elijah so worried about? Why was he nervous and sad? Timid, even.
"I promise. Now, please, tell me. Is it about Samantha?"
Elijah froze. Samantha. Sean had told him about Dominic's assumptions. The piece of paper with 'Sam' scribbled on it. He would shock Dominic if he told the truth. Yet he needed a friend to talk to. He needed someone. And he hoped it could be Dominic, because he really loved the guy.
"Yes. And no. It's about Sam but it's not Samantha."
"What? Who's she, then?"
(This is it. No turning back.)
"It's not a she. It's a he."
Dominic frowned. He looked at Elijah, trying to see whether the boy was joking or not. It didn't seem like it.
"Sam?"
"Actually, it's Sean. 'Sam' comes from 'Samwise'. I couldn't use the name Sean because I didn't want anyone to see. And then you saw Sam and gathered it was Samantha but it wasn't and..."
"Lijah. What are you talking about? I mean, really?" Dominic stopped Elijah because he was becoming too incoherent to understand.
Elijah looked at Dominic. He was feeling a bit uncomfortable but he needed to do it. To confess. It would make everything better.
"Come on, Dominic. You know what I mean. I'm in love with Sean."
There. He had said it. He wanted Dominic to look at him, but Dominic had gotten up and was walking back and forth, looking confused. His silence disturbed Elijah more than the fact that he had just made his confession.
"Dom. Say something. Anything."
Dominic stopped where he was and looked at Elijah whose face was getting wet. Elijah wiped his cheeks with his sleeve, trying not to stain it because it was his hobbit costume, and stared back at Dominic.
"What do you want me to say?" Dominic asked anxiously. He didn't know what to do. What Elijah had just said was definitely not what Dominic had expected.
"Anything. Do you hate me?" Elijah said with his voice quiet and beaten.
Dominic walked to Elijah, sat down next to him and put his arms around him. Elijah was shaking.
"Of course I don't. We're mates."
And Elijah relaxed. They sat there for a long time, next to each other, Dominic's arm around Elijah.
"I want you to tell me everything. Maybe I can help or something."
They walked to the set and started working. They would talk later.
* * * * *
It was relieving to tell someone what was going on in Elijah's head. Dominic was being a perfect friend, listening to everything Elijah had to say about his relationship with Sean. Elijah was a bit embarrassed when he told about the night they had spent together, but Dominic had insisted on hearing everything. It was the only way he could truly understand Elijah and try to help him.
"Are you still mad at him?" Dominic asked Elijah one night.
"No. I feel bad about yelling at him like that. He told me the truth and I just snapped."
"You should probably go to him. Say you're sorry. The two of you need to talk. You know that."
"Yeah. I know," Elijah shrugged. He would do it.
Elijah wasn't only determined he needed to talk to Sean. He was also determined to get him back. So what if there was Christine? She had left Sean. She didn't deserve him. And Sean loved Elijah, they all knew that. It was only fair that Elijah would go and fight for Sean. All was fair in love and war.
A few days later some of the crew had to change location, and Sean and Elijah were two of them. Elijah knew Christine and Alexandra wouldn't be there, so it was only Sean. Their trailers were quite close to each other, so it was only natural that they met after the shooting. Elijah had thought about what he would say to Sean, but he was still feeling nervous. What if Sean was angry with him? Still, he didn't have any other choice. One evening he walked to Sean who was surprised to see him.
"Could we talk?" Elijah managed to ask after coughing his voice clear.
Sean looked at him in a way only he could. He motioned Elijah to come with him.
Elijah followed Sean inside the trailer, looking at the man's back in front of him. Sean was saying something but Elijah had problems with concentrating. He wasn't paying much attention to the sounds. He was full of visions. Visions of him and Sean, all over each other, making love. He agreed with everything Sean was saying.
"Mhm. Yes. I know. You're right."
He lifted his hands and put them on Sean's shoulders. Sean startled a bit but didn't take them off. Elijah pushed him against the bathroom door. Sean stopped himself with his hands, which made his sides free for Elijah's hands that were slowly wandering downwards. Sean wasn't talking anymore. Whatever he had in his mind before Elijah shoved him against the door, he had forgotten it completely by now.
"We need to talk," Elijah said, kneeling behind Sean. "I'm sorry about what I said. I didn't mean it."
He was on his knees now. With his fingers he started to take the shirt out of the jeans, slowly, revealing Sean's skin underneath it. He placed his lips against it, not so much kissing it as breathing on it, the sensitive area of the lower back. He licked the skin with the tip of his tongue, making Sean push himself tighter against the door. Sean wanted more and Elijah was very much aware of that.
"I forgive you," Sean answered with a voice that sounded like he had to force it out.
The shirt was now out of the jeans and Elijah lifted it higher as he went up the spine with his lips and tongue. He got up on his feet and Sean raised his arms so Elijah could pull the shirt off. Soon Sean was standing in front of Elijah, shirtless, wearing only his jeans. Elijah moved his hands around Sean's waist and pushed himself against his back. He slid the hands lower, put his fingers on Sean's belt and started to play with the buckle.
"Don't. Someone could..." Sean protested. He was breathing heavily, still trying to control the situation. Elijah stopped him by shutting him up with his right hand. He pulled the belt off with his left hand, dropping it on the floor. Sean shivered uncontrollably when Elijah gently bit his neck, kissing it afterwards.
"Shh. Nobody's going to come. It's just you and me." Elijah assured him.
Elijah didn't want to think of others. He didn't want to think of anything else but him and Sean, together like they were meant to be. Sean kissed Elijah's palm before Elijah took it away, putting both of his hands on Sean's fly, starting to open the buttons, one by one. When they were opened, he pulled the jeans down, still kissing Sean's back. He got up, put his hands in Sean's boxers and started to pull them down.
Sean put his hand on Elijah's, stopping him going any further.
"Please, stop."
Elijah wasn't listening. With his free hand he continued what he was doing.
"But you know you want to do it. We both do. I came to get you back."
Elijah was feeling impatient. He knew exactly what he wanted. Why was Sean suddenly so reluctant? Christine would never find out, not if Sean didn't tell her. And Elijah was sure he wouldn't. Sean was too kind to hurt anybody's feelings. He would leave Christine in a much nicer way. Elijan kissed Sean's neck, ignoring what Sean was saying.
"I said 'stop'," Sean said sharply and turned to look at Elijah. "When are you going to hear what I'm saying to you? Get your hands off me!"
Sean looked angry, furious even. Elijah didn't know what to say. He had never seen Sean that way. Never before. It was frightening and Elijah stopped immediately, pulling his hands back.
"Jesus, Sean. What are you talking about?"
"I said get your hands off me. I'm not doing this. I won't hurt Chris any more than I already have. She doesn't deserve this."
Having said that, Sean walked to his bed and sat down, leaning his head against his hands. Elijah was still standing by the bathroom door. He was looking at Sean, not knowing where to go.
"She doesn't deserve YOU! Remember, she's the one who left you first. You don't owe her anything!" Elijah began to defend his right to Sean. For him, Christine didn't have any rights left. Sean looked at him with a fierce gaze.
"Listen, kid. She left me because she's a good woman. She left me because she saw what was happening between you and me. She loved me enough to let me go. You have no right to say she's the one to blame here. I am. I'm the one who... touched you. Slept with you. For Christ's sake, Lijah, I cheated on my wife because of you! YOU! A little child who knows nothing!"
Elijah was devastated. It wasn't the Sean he had learned to know. It was someone else. Sean would never do anything to hurt Elijah's feelings the way he did.
"Please, Sean, don't say that. You're scaring me."
"Serves you right! Now fuck off and leave me be! And don't you EVER come and talk to me again outside the shooting, is that clear?!"
"But, Sean..."
"GET OUT!!!"
And Elijah had no other choice but to leave. He was trying his best to keep the tears inside. This was it. This was the end of him and Sean. It had barely even started and now it was already over.
* * * * *
Their relationship never recovered from what happened between them in Sean's trailer. The hatred didn't last longer than a day or two, but it had hurt Elijah badly. He avoided Sean as much as possible, because it hurt to see him. It hurt to see Sean looking at him like he meant nothing to him. Like Elijah was a big nuisance Sean couldn't get rid of fast enough.
Of course Sean didn't think Elijah was a nuisance, but Elijah didn't know that. He had no idea of what was going on in Sean's head. Elijah didn't know about the confusion Sean was experiencing. The pain Sean suffered from saying those mean words to Elijah. The sorrow he felt because he had to leave Elijah alone. He wasn't allowed to touch him. Not when there was Christine to think about.
Sean wasn't a man who could cheat on his wife. It was against everything he was and what he believed in. Sure, he had cheated on Christine, but it was after they had broken up. Sean thought Christine had left for good, so for him it was the closest thing to a divorce he could get. And that meant he was free to be with Elijah. Until Christine came to claim him back. Sean would do everything in his power to save his marriage, even if it had to happen at Elijah's expense.
Elijah was a young man, a boy. He would get over Sean. He would find someone else to love. Elijah would prevail. Of course Elijah was feeling hurt, anything else would have been a lie. But he would be alright, after the hurt was gone and the wounds healed. Sean, on the other hand, would probably be scarred for life. He had found love when he wasn't expecting it, after a long marriage. Sean hadn't known there could be something as pure as the feelings he had for Elijah. Pure, intense, deep. So deep it resembled pain.
(Why did I ever meet Christine? Without her I could be free now. Free to take Elijah. Free to be with him. Free to live.)
Those were bitter thoughts, and Sean knew that. He was afraid of his own thoughts. Where would they lead him? Where was he going now, after finding out he might have been with the wrong person? After finding out there was someone beyond perfect out there, waiting for him, wanting him. Not for him to have. Not even to hold.
Therefore Sean hardened himself. He was a good actor and he played Sam's role just as well as he used to before what had happened to him and Elijah. At first it seemed difficult but soon Seab found a way to forget it was Elijah who played Frodo. For him it was Frodo now. A hobbit. A fictitious character. Anything but Elijah. After a while it worked. He was Sam, not Sean. It made the pain easier to endure.
* * * * *
The last months of filming passed very fast. Both Elijah and Sean had done their work as perfectly as they possibly could. They were getting along again. They talked together, laughed together, even hugged each other. Christine never liked it, but she didn't say anything. She knew Sean wouldn't betray her trust, ever.
And Sean didn't. The relationship between him and Elijah was purely platonic. At least on the outside.
Sean had learned not to think about Elijah romantically. It would be too much to handle. The same went for Elijah. He loved Sean more than anything, and it was pointless to ignore the feelings. They were there. They would probably always be there. But Elijah had learned to suppress them.
All that was showing the true feelings they had for each other, were the looks in their eyes when they were watching each other from afar. No-one could take those away from them.
Look but don't touch.
* * * * *
Elijah looked content. Dominic was the only one who really knew that wasn't the truth. He was the only one who Elijah let close to him. The only one who knew what Elijah was thinking and feeling.
One night, some time after they had returned home from New Zealand, Elijah was having a discussion with Dominic. They were walking in the park. The evening air was fresh, everything was quiet around them, and they were both feeling very peaceful. It was a luxury Elijah hadn't had for a long, long time.
"You miss him, don't you?" Dominic asked when Elijah hadn't said anything for a while.
"You know I do. But he's with his family. I've forgotten him." Elijah looked Dominic in the eye, hoping Dominic wouldn't ask anything too personal.
"Are you sure?" Dominic asked.
Dominic wasn't a fool. Nor blind. Most of the time Elijah was very happy about that, because Dominic didn't let him hide his worries. The sooner Elijah got the problems out of his system the sooner he would recover. It was never a good thing to let the bad things bottle up.
"Yes, I'm sure. Want me to prove it to you?" Elijah turned towards Dominic and stopped walking. He took a step and was now closer to Dominic. Another step. And another, until he was standing right in front of Dominic, only a few inches away. Dominic didn't move anywhere, just looked back in Elijah's eyes, without even one little blink.
"How?" he asked Elijah, both knowing and not knowing what was going to happen next.
Right after that Elijah kissed him, softly, like a little caress of wind. Dominic closed his eyes and just stood there. Elijah took a step back and looked at Dominic.
"I'm over him," Elijah said once more and turned back to where they had come from. "We should head back now. Are you okay, Dom?"
"Yeah," Dominic answered, still tasting the kiss on his lips.
* * * * *
Elijah and Dominic never had sex. Elijah didn't want to do that, because he was sure it would ruin his relations with Dominic for good. Sex was evil. Sex hurt. Even when it was with someone he loved, it ended up hurting him more than anything else in the world. It would be a lot better to live in celibacy. And he was happy with Dominic. They were friends. Very good friends.
Friends who occasionally kissed and cuddled.
"I will not have any man until I have Sean," Elijah had once said to Dominic, determination in his voice. Dominic had believed it to be more than true. He didn't want to do anything against Elijah's will. If Elijah didn't want them having sex, it would be alright with Dominic. Simple as that.
Elijah had started the filming of another movie, and it got his mind off everything else that was happening in his life. He met a girl who he liked. Not like Sean. He would never find anyone who he would love as much as Sean. But Franka was nice. A friend. Fun to be with and she made him forget. And she wasn't a man. No man was ever going to hurt Elijah again.
His life was looking balanced. He had friends, he had work, and he had his dreams. What more could he want? Except for Sean, of course, but he was out of the question. No, Elijah had all he could under those circumstances.
* * * * *
Then came the summer of 2002. The group had to gather up again in New Zealand, to make a few more shots and work on the voice-overs. Elijah would meet Sean. Sure, they had met a few times during the premieres and other meetings, but they had been those casual one-off nights, they weren't hanging out together for more than a few hours. But, in New Zealand, they would have to be together again, day after day after day. Elijah was terrified.
To Elijah's surprise everything went better than he expected. He was sure he was going to shatter at the very sight of Sean, but instead he felt nothing. Yes, he missed Sean immensely and dreamed of him every single night before the reunion, but now he was feeling numb. And numb was good, considering the situation. If Elijah stayed numb the whole time they were together with Sean and others, there was a slight chance he would survive without deeper injuries.
One evening Elijah and Sean ended up being just by themselves, walking farther from the trailers. Sean looked at Elijah with his warm hazel eyes. The look was almost like the one he had all those months ago. Loving, protecting, caring. Elijah felt peaceful, better than he had felt in a long time. Sean was the only one who could make him feel that way. When they were together, Elijah was home.
"So. You're having another child," Elijah asked because he felt the need to say something.
"Yeah," Sean answered, smiling vaguely at the young man who had grown up a lot since they had last met.
They walked a little further, not a word was said between them. Then Elijah bit his lower lip and asked Sean if he knew which one it would be, a boy or a girl. Sean laughed uncertainly and looked at Elijah, lowering his head.
"A girl. Although I was hoping for a boy."
"I'm sure you'll have another chance to get what you want," Elijah tried to sound convincing with his little chuckles.
(Because I sure as hell won't.)
Neither of them knew what to do or say next, so they walked back and said goodnights.
* * * * *
Being in New Zealand made Sean feel like he was home again. He both loved and hated the feeling. Loved, because it reminded him of all the things he had experienced with the Fellowship cast. And Elijah. Especially Elijah. Sean had come home for a little while.
He hated the feeling because he knew New Zealand couldn't be his home anymore. Those days were already long gone and there was no way of getting them back. This was just a visit. Sean had had his chance and he had lost it.
Sean was happy to see Orlando again. They had been in contact but not very often. Sean knew Orlando was happy with Viggo, still not going public with their relationship, since they weren't really certain how the world would react to that. But, they were happy. They had each other.
Orlando asked Sean out for a cup of coffee one afternoon, the day before the whole reunion would be over for him.
"Hello, hobbit. I hear you're getting a new family member pretty soon. How are you feeling about that?"
Sean looked at the hot cup of coffee and played with the spoon for a while. He took a sip and almost burnt his tongue.
"Of course I'm happy about it. I love my children."
The look on Orlando's face was interesting. Sean wasn't quite aware of what it was.
"How's Christine doing? Well, I hope," Orlando continued.
Sean didn't say a thing. He stared at the coffee cup and Orlando got the feeling that if looks could harm, the cup would break into tiny little pieces.
"Sean? Are you okay?"
Sean remained silent. He looked at Orlando, his eyes full of desperation that Orlando hadn't expected to see. Then it went away, hid itself in the background.
"I'm fine."
But Orlando wasn't buying that. Sean wasn't okay.
"Please. You can't fool me," he tried to get the words out of Sean.
Sean sighed deeply, drank the rest of the coffee and put the cup back on the table.
"Okay. You want to know what's troubling me? I love my daughter and the child that's on the way. I love them more than anything. But my wife... I don't think I love her anymore. I think I might even despise her. Otherwise my life is just perfect."
---
To be continued in the final part: Revival
Title: Reality (5/6)
Rating: Will go up to NC-17 by the time all parts are finished.
Pairing: SA/EW, sort of EW/DM and still not...
Warnings: Angst and frustration
Disclaimer: This is - once again - fiction. None of it happened anywhere except in my mind. And that's the way it's going to be. I wrote this for fun (angst for fun?) and I didn't get paid.
Summary: The title says it. Reality. Christine.
Feedback: All is welcome. Even if this sucks. I need to know.
Authors notes: Thanks again to
empy for being the patient beta.Destinies Entwined - Part five: Reality
Elijah was standing by himself, listening to Sean who was having a talk with Peter a few paces away. The day had been pure hell, but there was nothing Elijah could do about it. He was thinking about the night before. Everything he had been hoping for was coming true. Suddenly there was a chance for him and Sean. Elijah had been dreaming about it, but never thought it could be possible. Not when Christine was there.
Then, Christine was gone. Sean was free and wanted Elijah. Elijah, of all the people in the world. For a little while they had each other. And, right then, when everything seemed to be almost too perfect, it became that; too perfect. Christine came back.
Elijah and Orlando had left Sean and Christine to talk. Later, Sean had come to wardrobe, quiet and looking confused. Elijah had been searching for something in Sean's eyes, something that would tell him what had happened, but there had been only sadness and pain. No words were spoken because others were there, and none of them knew anything about what had happened between Elijah and Sean.
Peter left and Sean stood alone, closing his eyes for a while, sighing deeply. He looked abandoned, and Elijah couldn't take it anymore. He went to Sean to inquire what it was Christine had wanted. Elijah didn't have to say anything because Sean knew what was on his mind. After a while Sean answered the unspoken question.
"She wants me back."
Elijah turned his head a bit and looked far behind Sean. Then he lowered his head, looked down at his hobbit feet, kicked a few stones in front of him, and looked at Sean again.
"What are you going to do?" he asked.
At first, Sean couldn't look at Elijah. Then he took Elijah by the shoulders, and looked him so deep in the eyes it hurt. He didn't say a word.
But Elijah knew. He tore himself away from Sean, and defiance in the voice that was nearly breaking, he spat out the words he heard shouting in his head. (You're leaving me! You're fucking leaving me!)
"Fuck you, Sean Astin! Fuck you and fuck your pretty little wife! But that's what you're going to do anyway, isn't it?"
Sean could do nothing to stop Elijah from running away.
* * * * *
"What's up with you two? If there's something troubling you, please tell me. I need my people to give me a hundred and fifty per cent of their concentration. You're giving me, what, fifty?"
Peter wasn't happy about Elijah's behaviour. Not happy at all. Elijah had been forgetting his lines, he couldn't look at Sean like Frodo was supposed to look at Sam, he was absent-minded most of the time. He was a total mess and it seemed he had lost his ability to act.
"I'm sorry. I promise I'll try my best from now on."
Peter went away, hoping Elijah would do what he promised.
The worst thing was that Elijah had nobody to talk to. For months Sean had been his secret, the one nobody knew about. Now Orlando knew, but Elijah didn't want to go to him because Orlando was already Sean's confidant. Elijah had to find someone else. And that someone else was Dominic, one of his closest friends in the whole Fellowship.
* * * * *
"Dom. You can keep a secret, right?" Elijah began one morning when he walked out of wardrobe with Dominic.
"Sure. What is it?" Dominic asked cheerfully, playing with his pointy hobbit ears. He didn't know what to expect so he didn't expect anything. But Elijah looked dead serious when Dominic looked at him. Definitely not a good sign.
"I need you to promise me that you won't get mad. That you won't just run away screaming. That you'll try to understand this whole thing from my point of view. Can you do that? Because if you can't, I won't tell you. I don't need anything negative around me right now. I've had enough of it already."
Dominic stopped walking and turned to face his friend. He started to feel concerned. What was Elijah talking about so intensely? Dominic pulled him further from the others and asked him to sit down.
"What's wrong? You can trust me. You know you can."
Elijah was sitting on the ground, his knees pulled up and spread loosely, his hands around his legs, head hanging down, looking at the ground beneath him.
"Promise me you won't do anything extreme," Elijah begged.
Dominic was lost. What was Elijah so worried about? Why was he nervous and sad? Timid, even.
"I promise. Now, please, tell me. Is it about Samantha?"
Elijah froze. Samantha. Sean had told him about Dominic's assumptions. The piece of paper with 'Sam' scribbled on it. He would shock Dominic if he told the truth. Yet he needed a friend to talk to. He needed someone. And he hoped it could be Dominic, because he really loved the guy.
"Yes. And no. It's about Sam but it's not Samantha."
"What? Who's she, then?"
(This is it. No turning back.)
"It's not a she. It's a he."
Dominic frowned. He looked at Elijah, trying to see whether the boy was joking or not. It didn't seem like it.
"Sam?"
"Actually, it's Sean. 'Sam' comes from 'Samwise'. I couldn't use the name Sean because I didn't want anyone to see. And then you saw Sam and gathered it was Samantha but it wasn't and..."
"Lijah. What are you talking about? I mean, really?" Dominic stopped Elijah because he was becoming too incoherent to understand.
Elijah looked at Dominic. He was feeling a bit uncomfortable but he needed to do it. To confess. It would make everything better.
"Come on, Dominic. You know what I mean. I'm in love with Sean."
There. He had said it. He wanted Dominic to look at him, but Dominic had gotten up and was walking back and forth, looking confused. His silence disturbed Elijah more than the fact that he had just made his confession.
"Dom. Say something. Anything."
Dominic stopped where he was and looked at Elijah whose face was getting wet. Elijah wiped his cheeks with his sleeve, trying not to stain it because it was his hobbit costume, and stared back at Dominic.
"What do you want me to say?" Dominic asked anxiously. He didn't know what to do. What Elijah had just said was definitely not what Dominic had expected.
"Anything. Do you hate me?" Elijah said with his voice quiet and beaten.
Dominic walked to Elijah, sat down next to him and put his arms around him. Elijah was shaking.
"Of course I don't. We're mates."
And Elijah relaxed. They sat there for a long time, next to each other, Dominic's arm around Elijah.
"I want you to tell me everything. Maybe I can help or something."
They walked to the set and started working. They would talk later.
* * * * *
It was relieving to tell someone what was going on in Elijah's head. Dominic was being a perfect friend, listening to everything Elijah had to say about his relationship with Sean. Elijah was a bit embarrassed when he told about the night they had spent together, but Dominic had insisted on hearing everything. It was the only way he could truly understand Elijah and try to help him.
"Are you still mad at him?" Dominic asked Elijah one night.
"No. I feel bad about yelling at him like that. He told me the truth and I just snapped."
"You should probably go to him. Say you're sorry. The two of you need to talk. You know that."
"Yeah. I know," Elijah shrugged. He would do it.
Elijah wasn't only determined he needed to talk to Sean. He was also determined to get him back. So what if there was Christine? She had left Sean. She didn't deserve him. And Sean loved Elijah, they all knew that. It was only fair that Elijah would go and fight for Sean. All was fair in love and war.
A few days later some of the crew had to change location, and Sean and Elijah were two of them. Elijah knew Christine and Alexandra wouldn't be there, so it was only Sean. Their trailers were quite close to each other, so it was only natural that they met after the shooting. Elijah had thought about what he would say to Sean, but he was still feeling nervous. What if Sean was angry with him? Still, he didn't have any other choice. One evening he walked to Sean who was surprised to see him.
"Could we talk?" Elijah managed to ask after coughing his voice clear.
Sean looked at him in a way only he could. He motioned Elijah to come with him.
Elijah followed Sean inside the trailer, looking at the man's back in front of him. Sean was saying something but Elijah had problems with concentrating. He wasn't paying much attention to the sounds. He was full of visions. Visions of him and Sean, all over each other, making love. He agreed with everything Sean was saying.
"Mhm. Yes. I know. You're right."
He lifted his hands and put them on Sean's shoulders. Sean startled a bit but didn't take them off. Elijah pushed him against the bathroom door. Sean stopped himself with his hands, which made his sides free for Elijah's hands that were slowly wandering downwards. Sean wasn't talking anymore. Whatever he had in his mind before Elijah shoved him against the door, he had forgotten it completely by now.
"We need to talk," Elijah said, kneeling behind Sean. "I'm sorry about what I said. I didn't mean it."
He was on his knees now. With his fingers he started to take the shirt out of the jeans, slowly, revealing Sean's skin underneath it. He placed his lips against it, not so much kissing it as breathing on it, the sensitive area of the lower back. He licked the skin with the tip of his tongue, making Sean push himself tighter against the door. Sean wanted more and Elijah was very much aware of that.
"I forgive you," Sean answered with a voice that sounded like he had to force it out.
The shirt was now out of the jeans and Elijah lifted it higher as he went up the spine with his lips and tongue. He got up on his feet and Sean raised his arms so Elijah could pull the shirt off. Soon Sean was standing in front of Elijah, shirtless, wearing only his jeans. Elijah moved his hands around Sean's waist and pushed himself against his back. He slid the hands lower, put his fingers on Sean's belt and started to play with the buckle.
"Don't. Someone could..." Sean protested. He was breathing heavily, still trying to control the situation. Elijah stopped him by shutting him up with his right hand. He pulled the belt off with his left hand, dropping it on the floor. Sean shivered uncontrollably when Elijah gently bit his neck, kissing it afterwards.
"Shh. Nobody's going to come. It's just you and me." Elijah assured him.
Elijah didn't want to think of others. He didn't want to think of anything else but him and Sean, together like they were meant to be. Sean kissed Elijah's palm before Elijah took it away, putting both of his hands on Sean's fly, starting to open the buttons, one by one. When they were opened, he pulled the jeans down, still kissing Sean's back. He got up, put his hands in Sean's boxers and started to pull them down.
Sean put his hand on Elijah's, stopping him going any further.
"Please, stop."
Elijah wasn't listening. With his free hand he continued what he was doing.
"But you know you want to do it. We both do. I came to get you back."
Elijah was feeling impatient. He knew exactly what he wanted. Why was Sean suddenly so reluctant? Christine would never find out, not if Sean didn't tell her. And Elijah was sure he wouldn't. Sean was too kind to hurt anybody's feelings. He would leave Christine in a much nicer way. Elijan kissed Sean's neck, ignoring what Sean was saying.
"I said 'stop'," Sean said sharply and turned to look at Elijah. "When are you going to hear what I'm saying to you? Get your hands off me!"
Sean looked angry, furious even. Elijah didn't know what to say. He had never seen Sean that way. Never before. It was frightening and Elijah stopped immediately, pulling his hands back.
"Jesus, Sean. What are you talking about?"
"I said get your hands off me. I'm not doing this. I won't hurt Chris any more than I already have. She doesn't deserve this."
Having said that, Sean walked to his bed and sat down, leaning his head against his hands. Elijah was still standing by the bathroom door. He was looking at Sean, not knowing where to go.
"She doesn't deserve YOU! Remember, she's the one who left you first. You don't owe her anything!" Elijah began to defend his right to Sean. For him, Christine didn't have any rights left. Sean looked at him with a fierce gaze.
"Listen, kid. She left me because she's a good woman. She left me because she saw what was happening between you and me. She loved me enough to let me go. You have no right to say she's the one to blame here. I am. I'm the one who... touched you. Slept with you. For Christ's sake, Lijah, I cheated on my wife because of you! YOU! A little child who knows nothing!"
Elijah was devastated. It wasn't the Sean he had learned to know. It was someone else. Sean would never do anything to hurt Elijah's feelings the way he did.
"Please, Sean, don't say that. You're scaring me."
"Serves you right! Now fuck off and leave me be! And don't you EVER come and talk to me again outside the shooting, is that clear?!"
"But, Sean..."
"GET OUT!!!"
And Elijah had no other choice but to leave. He was trying his best to keep the tears inside. This was it. This was the end of him and Sean. It had barely even started and now it was already over.
* * * * *
Their relationship never recovered from what happened between them in Sean's trailer. The hatred didn't last longer than a day or two, but it had hurt Elijah badly. He avoided Sean as much as possible, because it hurt to see him. It hurt to see Sean looking at him like he meant nothing to him. Like Elijah was a big nuisance Sean couldn't get rid of fast enough.
Of course Sean didn't think Elijah was a nuisance, but Elijah didn't know that. He had no idea of what was going on in Sean's head. Elijah didn't know about the confusion Sean was experiencing. The pain Sean suffered from saying those mean words to Elijah. The sorrow he felt because he had to leave Elijah alone. He wasn't allowed to touch him. Not when there was Christine to think about.
Sean wasn't a man who could cheat on his wife. It was against everything he was and what he believed in. Sure, he had cheated on Christine, but it was after they had broken up. Sean thought Christine had left for good, so for him it was the closest thing to a divorce he could get. And that meant he was free to be with Elijah. Until Christine came to claim him back. Sean would do everything in his power to save his marriage, even if it had to happen at Elijah's expense.
Elijah was a young man, a boy. He would get over Sean. He would find someone else to love. Elijah would prevail. Of course Elijah was feeling hurt, anything else would have been a lie. But he would be alright, after the hurt was gone and the wounds healed. Sean, on the other hand, would probably be scarred for life. He had found love when he wasn't expecting it, after a long marriage. Sean hadn't known there could be something as pure as the feelings he had for Elijah. Pure, intense, deep. So deep it resembled pain.
(Why did I ever meet Christine? Without her I could be free now. Free to take Elijah. Free to be with him. Free to live.)
Those were bitter thoughts, and Sean knew that. He was afraid of his own thoughts. Where would they lead him? Where was he going now, after finding out he might have been with the wrong person? After finding out there was someone beyond perfect out there, waiting for him, wanting him. Not for him to have. Not even to hold.
Therefore Sean hardened himself. He was a good actor and he played Sam's role just as well as he used to before what had happened to him and Elijah. At first it seemed difficult but soon Seab found a way to forget it was Elijah who played Frodo. For him it was Frodo now. A hobbit. A fictitious character. Anything but Elijah. After a while it worked. He was Sam, not Sean. It made the pain easier to endure.
* * * * *
The last months of filming passed very fast. Both Elijah and Sean had done their work as perfectly as they possibly could. They were getting along again. They talked together, laughed together, even hugged each other. Christine never liked it, but she didn't say anything. She knew Sean wouldn't betray her trust, ever.
And Sean didn't. The relationship between him and Elijah was purely platonic. At least on the outside.
Sean had learned not to think about Elijah romantically. It would be too much to handle. The same went for Elijah. He loved Sean more than anything, and it was pointless to ignore the feelings. They were there. They would probably always be there. But Elijah had learned to suppress them.
All that was showing the true feelings they had for each other, were the looks in their eyes when they were watching each other from afar. No-one could take those away from them.
Look but don't touch.
* * * * *
Elijah looked content. Dominic was the only one who really knew that wasn't the truth. He was the only one who Elijah let close to him. The only one who knew what Elijah was thinking and feeling.
One night, some time after they had returned home from New Zealand, Elijah was having a discussion with Dominic. They were walking in the park. The evening air was fresh, everything was quiet around them, and they were both feeling very peaceful. It was a luxury Elijah hadn't had for a long, long time.
"You miss him, don't you?" Dominic asked when Elijah hadn't said anything for a while.
"You know I do. But he's with his family. I've forgotten him." Elijah looked Dominic in the eye, hoping Dominic wouldn't ask anything too personal.
"Are you sure?" Dominic asked.
Dominic wasn't a fool. Nor blind. Most of the time Elijah was very happy about that, because Dominic didn't let him hide his worries. The sooner Elijah got the problems out of his system the sooner he would recover. It was never a good thing to let the bad things bottle up.
"Yes, I'm sure. Want me to prove it to you?" Elijah turned towards Dominic and stopped walking. He took a step and was now closer to Dominic. Another step. And another, until he was standing right in front of Dominic, only a few inches away. Dominic didn't move anywhere, just looked back in Elijah's eyes, without even one little blink.
"How?" he asked Elijah, both knowing and not knowing what was going to happen next.
Right after that Elijah kissed him, softly, like a little caress of wind. Dominic closed his eyes and just stood there. Elijah took a step back and looked at Dominic.
"I'm over him," Elijah said once more and turned back to where they had come from. "We should head back now. Are you okay, Dom?"
"Yeah," Dominic answered, still tasting the kiss on his lips.
* * * * *
Elijah and Dominic never had sex. Elijah didn't want to do that, because he was sure it would ruin his relations with Dominic for good. Sex was evil. Sex hurt. Even when it was with someone he loved, it ended up hurting him more than anything else in the world. It would be a lot better to live in celibacy. And he was happy with Dominic. They were friends. Very good friends.
Friends who occasionally kissed and cuddled.
"I will not have any man until I have Sean," Elijah had once said to Dominic, determination in his voice. Dominic had believed it to be more than true. He didn't want to do anything against Elijah's will. If Elijah didn't want them having sex, it would be alright with Dominic. Simple as that.
Elijah had started the filming of another movie, and it got his mind off everything else that was happening in his life. He met a girl who he liked. Not like Sean. He would never find anyone who he would love as much as Sean. But Franka was nice. A friend. Fun to be with and she made him forget. And she wasn't a man. No man was ever going to hurt Elijah again.
His life was looking balanced. He had friends, he had work, and he had his dreams. What more could he want? Except for Sean, of course, but he was out of the question. No, Elijah had all he could under those circumstances.
* * * * *
Then came the summer of 2002. The group had to gather up again in New Zealand, to make a few more shots and work on the voice-overs. Elijah would meet Sean. Sure, they had met a few times during the premieres and other meetings, but they had been those casual one-off nights, they weren't hanging out together for more than a few hours. But, in New Zealand, they would have to be together again, day after day after day. Elijah was terrified.
To Elijah's surprise everything went better than he expected. He was sure he was going to shatter at the very sight of Sean, but instead he felt nothing. Yes, he missed Sean immensely and dreamed of him every single night before the reunion, but now he was feeling numb. And numb was good, considering the situation. If Elijah stayed numb the whole time they were together with Sean and others, there was a slight chance he would survive without deeper injuries.
One evening Elijah and Sean ended up being just by themselves, walking farther from the trailers. Sean looked at Elijah with his warm hazel eyes. The look was almost like the one he had all those months ago. Loving, protecting, caring. Elijah felt peaceful, better than he had felt in a long time. Sean was the only one who could make him feel that way. When they were together, Elijah was home.
"So. You're having another child," Elijah asked because he felt the need to say something.
"Yeah," Sean answered, smiling vaguely at the young man who had grown up a lot since they had last met.
They walked a little further, not a word was said between them. Then Elijah bit his lower lip and asked Sean if he knew which one it would be, a boy or a girl. Sean laughed uncertainly and looked at Elijah, lowering his head.
"A girl. Although I was hoping for a boy."
"I'm sure you'll have another chance to get what you want," Elijah tried to sound convincing with his little chuckles.
(Because I sure as hell won't.)
Neither of them knew what to do or say next, so they walked back and said goodnights.
* * * * *
Being in New Zealand made Sean feel like he was home again. He both loved and hated the feeling. Loved, because it reminded him of all the things he had experienced with the Fellowship cast. And Elijah. Especially Elijah. Sean had come home for a little while.
He hated the feeling because he knew New Zealand couldn't be his home anymore. Those days were already long gone and there was no way of getting them back. This was just a visit. Sean had had his chance and he had lost it.
Sean was happy to see Orlando again. They had been in contact but not very often. Sean knew Orlando was happy with Viggo, still not going public with their relationship, since they weren't really certain how the world would react to that. But, they were happy. They had each other.
Orlando asked Sean out for a cup of coffee one afternoon, the day before the whole reunion would be over for him.
"Hello, hobbit. I hear you're getting a new family member pretty soon. How are you feeling about that?"
Sean looked at the hot cup of coffee and played with the spoon for a while. He took a sip and almost burnt his tongue.
"Of course I'm happy about it. I love my children."
The look on Orlando's face was interesting. Sean wasn't quite aware of what it was.
"How's Christine doing? Well, I hope," Orlando continued.
Sean didn't say a thing. He stared at the coffee cup and Orlando got the feeling that if looks could harm, the cup would break into tiny little pieces.
"Sean? Are you okay?"
Sean remained silent. He looked at Orlando, his eyes full of desperation that Orlando hadn't expected to see. Then it went away, hid itself in the background.
"I'm fine."
But Orlando wasn't buying that. Sean wasn't okay.
"Please. You can't fool me," he tried to get the words out of Sean.
Sean sighed deeply, drank the rest of the coffee and put the cup back on the table.
"Okay. You want to know what's troubling me? I love my daughter and the child that's on the way. I love them more than anything. But my wife... I don't think I love her anymore. I think I might even despise her. Otherwise my life is just perfect."
---
To be continued in the final part: Revival
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Anyways, I loved... I hate Christine...(not in RL but just in this story) Poor Lijah but also BASTARD for doing that to Dom....But BASTARD Sean isn't good either...Oh they just need to kiss and make up...
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Mmmm... popcorn & slash
Cannot wait for next installment
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I hate Christine...(not in RL but just in this story)
Yeah, my thoughts exactly :) IRL she seems nice. But in this story she is... well, different.
Poor Lijah but also BASTARD for doing that to Dom....
This surprised me a little. Because when I wrote this story I didn't think I was hurting Dom that much. Because he understood the situation and was happy with it. But somehow readers have seen it in a different way. Surprising but actually quite understandable, come to think of it.
But BASTARD Sean isn't good either...Oh they just need to kiss and make up...
I like him. In a way. He has that huge problem with choosing what he wants. He doesn't know it himself. And when both Elijah and Christine are pulling him to different directions it's difficult to keep calm and rational in the between... Hurting others comes too easy. And yes, kiss and make up sounds nice :) But I think you already know how the story ends...
P.S. I'm working on that 9 Lives so you might get it today or tomorrow...
Darkie.
Re:
Got your note on 9 lives, will read through them and comment if I want to explain something.
*hugs*