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[sheselectric.livejournal.com]

Title: The First Peter Jackson/Orlando Bloom Fic, Ever. And For Good Reason Too.
Author: sheselectric
Rating: G so don't get your knickers in a twist.
Summary: Peter needed an Elf. Orlando needed a job.
Disclaimer: That'd be like really funny if it happened. I'd laugh. Then gauge my eyes out with the nearest spork.
Author Notes: I wrote this a very long time ago and was finally poked enough to post it somewhere (other then my own LJ). Um, so I know what a great 'hi im new' story.. but really.. all crack!fic here.. :) Comments are appreciated and will make me squeeeeee. There is a sequel coming if I ever get unlazy enough to write it. :)



Peter Jackson need an Elf. Orlando Bloom needed a job.

Both these problems could have gone unsolved if it wasn't for the fact that Orlando Bloom is "The Best Damn Blow Job Giver Like Ever." Patient pending.

He blames his ancestors.

But anyway. Peter Jackson needed an Elf that wasn't dark haired and brown eyed and walked kind of lopsided and definitely didn't have a strange need to jump out of things that are in the sky. Orlando Bloom was not the Elf Peter Jackson needed for his movie.

But Orlando deiced that the only way he was going to be in a movie he needed to prove his title to be true. Because he realized even thou he's handsome and good looking, he wasn't exactly Elf like.

So after the audition ("Very good Orlando! Nice! Excellent reading skills!") Orlando slinked around the door waiting for a chance at Peter. He watched many other more Elf like actors go in and out of the audition room. He gave them the "Orlando Bloom Look Of Evilness And Over All Large Amounts Of Hate." Patient pending. Finally the last one gracefully waltz out of the room. Orlando made his move.

Cat like he was not. More like a duck. Waddling into the door, trying his best to put on the "Orlando Bloom Look Of Incredible Sexiness." Patient pending.

He was really going to have to look into getting his own patenting office soon.

But anyway. He entered the room and waddled up to Peter's desk.

"Why, Orlando?" Peter started but Orlando jumped in.

"Can I have a word.. alone with you?"

He tried to purr but it came out more as a cough type noise.

Peter nodded and the other casting directors walked out of the room.

"Yes?"

"Well, you see. I've noticed that the other actors are more.. the type of Elves then I am."

He tried the purr again but failed.

"Cough drop?" Peter offered.

"No, no. Am fine. Anyway. Peter. But I think that my lack of Elfness can be made up for in my talent of other areas."

He winked. When Peter just stared at him he winked again. And then again. And soon he just stood there blinking at the man.

"Do you have allergies?"

"NO!" Orlando Bloom lost his cool. This was not how it should be. By now he should have had the role and off somewhere getting wasted. Not standing in front of a fat man blinking. "This isn't working!"

"What's not working?"

"This. I am Orlando Bloom. The Best Damn Blow Job Giver Like Ever." He grinned. "Patient pending." He added.

It was Peter's turn to blink.

"Uh.. well.. then.."

"Yes, you see. So this is how it will go. I exercise my title and you give me the role."

Peter held up his hand. "No offense Orlando, but it's okay."

"What's okay?"

"You don't have to do this you know. You can have the role if you want to. You're nothing training, contact lenses and a wig can't fix."

Orlando almost wet himself with excitement.

"I'm an Elf!!" He squeed with utter joy.

"Yes, my boy, a fine elf indeed." Peter patted him on the back. "Now if you excuse me I need to find myself a few more hobbits."

He existed the room. Orlando grinned triumphantly.

Peter Jackson had his Elf and Orlando had a job.

And there was no blowing of jobs of any sorts. All was right in the world.