Fic: In The Shadows -- Damaged story 4 Elijah/Orli N17 6/6

[arabia764.livejournal.com]

This is it, we have at last made it to the end. Thank you so very much to everyone that has left feedback. I can’t tell you what it has meant to me so I’ll just say it again, thank you.

Title: In The Shadows - Damaged story 4
Chapter: Six
Pairing: Elijah/Orli
Rating N17
Disclaimer: Total fiction

The first three stories can be found here…
Damaged, New Rules, Our Place In The World

Thank yous go to my darling longshanks05 for the amazing beta and to annwyn55 for making the beautiful icon that goes with the fic.

This story is for Pum. She knows why and it is perfect.



Chapter Six


Elijah woke early the next morning after a pitiful night of snatched sleep. His head felt like there was a band around it that was being systematically tightened till his skull would burst, and there was a pounding sledgehammer beating at the back. His eyes felt grainy and sore, his throat dry and his body ached. He hugged himself for a moment but it didn’t feel the same; not like when Orli held him.

He hoped Orli would still be asleep so that he could find coffee and some strong painkillers then try and think about what to do next. What to do? He had no idea what to say let alone what to do.

Shuffling into his jeans and shoes he headed for the kitchen, one hand rubbing at his aching head. He stopped at the bathroom, pushing open the door for a quick leak. Orli was standing at the sink, topless, dabbing ineffectually at his face with a wet flannel.

Old bruises were overlaid with fresh bright ones on Orli’s face and upper body. His lip was swollen and his right eye almost closed. There was a big spreading bruise around his ribs, sliding over and in between each bone. It was new. Elijah had no recollection of actually making it. He hissed in a breath of surprise and dismay, his hand covering his mouth, and, at the sound, Orli turned to look at him.

Elijah wasn’t about to say sorry, oh no, but…. “I have to go,” he said, unable to cope, the words out of his mouth before he thought about them.

“You can’t,” there was a stab of panic at the edge of Orli’s voice. “Not yet, not now.” He turned to face Elijah, moving forward, and Elijah saw how the bruise on his chest covered his nipple.

“I have to go,” Elijah repeated. “Now. I’ve gotta go now.” He fled for the door, head pounding and pounding and pounding, what was left of his fingernails biting into his palms, desperate not to look.

“Elijah,” and Orli was desperate as well. “Don’t leave me, not again. Please.”

And Elijah really couldn’t take it. He pulled open the front door as Orli called again. “Elijah please, I’m begging.”

Elijah ran without looking back, but images blinded him anyway. Orli begging on his knees.

Only this time he was covered in bruises.

*
Hardest day of my life.

I went back to the bedsit and got some clean clothes then crawled into work. Even the cleaners look at me as if I’m mad now, but I’ll do anything, anything, rather than think.

Go to work.

The kids must have taken care of themselves because I don’t know what happened during the day. I can remember Femilola coming up to me after lunch and asking if I was going to see Jesus like her grandma had. Did I look that bad? So bad that a five year old would think I was going to die?

I felt like it.

What had I done and what was I doing?

I put my mobile phone on my desk and left it on. You never have your mobile on while you’re teaching, it’s just plain wrong, but what if I missed his call or his text?

Wasn’t like I was teaching much anyway.

My head hurts so much that even four of the two-kinds-of-drugs-miracle-cure pills they advertise on the telly wouldn’t touch it. They just made my stomach clench so hard I threw up in the sink.

Only he didn’t text or call. Not all day even though I waited and waited and waited. My eyes ached from staring at the phone willing it to buzz. But it didn’t. I thought there might be something... instead there was nothing at all.

So I’m back in this shit hole of a bedsit and I don’t know what to do. My hands are shaking so I wrap them tight around myself. It feels like the world is going to eat me up and spit me out and I just want to hide, only there’s no place to go. I slide down the wall into the corner and sit with my knees bent up and my back hunched over. My eyes are fixed on the phone lying on the bed but there’s no point now. He’s not going to call.

I ran away from him when he was begging me to stay. He must hate my guts.

I can feel my palms start to bleed from the pressure of my nails.

And then the phone rings. Oh dear sweet Jesus thank you. There’s this ball of hope and longing and jubilation in my belly and I think that’s going to make me throw up as well. But it’s Yvonne. I can hear the disappointment and disapproval in her voice when I tell her I’ve made things worse. She sounds worried and she says, ‘take care of yourself,’ but I don’t think I’ll hear from her again. Why would she?

Now what? The phone is at my feet but it won’t ring because Yvonne will be with him telling him to stay away from me after what I’ve done. The next person I see will most likely be the policeman that comes to arrest me for GBH. But I can’t even worry about that. I’ll just sit here and hold my knees and…what?

*

Elijah woke to the sound of ringing, unsure where he was. It took him a long minute to work out that he was asleep on the floor of his bedsit, cold and awkward in the corner. He must have been there for sometime as his muscles cramped and protested when he tried to move, but at least his head felt better.

The ringing went on, stopped, then started again, making him thrash around for the source. His mobile was somewhere… At last he found it on the floor, kicked under the edge of the bed, and he grabbed at it. Four missed calls. All from Yvonne. He was just trying to figure out, through the fog in his brain, how to call her back when the phone rang again. Yvonne.

“Elijah, oh thank goodness, at last,” she sounded breathless.

“What’s the matter?” Elijah asked. He looked at the flashing red numerals on his alarm: three twenty seven. It had to be bad if you rang someone at three twenty seven in the morning.

“Do you still have your key? I need it, now,” she went on without giving him a chance to answer. “Can you bring it over?”

“What key? Where are you? What’s wrong?” Elijah couldn’t quite get his mind to process all this, Yvonne was worried, that much was obvious from her voice, and Yvonne didn’t get worried easily. When she did it was time to take notice.

“I’m at the flat, do you still have your key?”

“Yeah, I’ve got it somewhere,” he’d never taken it off his key ring, never wanted to admit it. “Why?”

“It’s Orli,” her voice faltered for a moment and he heard her fluster, something else she just didn’t do. “Oh I’m so worried about him.”

“What’s happened?” Elijah felt a sliver of fear knife at his guts.

“I came to see him, after I’d spoken to you, but he wouldn’t let me in. Then he screamed at me through the door; obscenities Elijah, he screamed the most awful obscene things at me.” She took a deep breath, trying to calm herself. “I waited till I thought he’d quietened down and tried again but… he made these noises, I’ve never heard anything like it. Then there was lots of banging, like the sound of a fight, but there’s no one else in there, and now it’s gone quiet. I can’t make him open the door, he made me give him my spare key back a long time ago and now he won’t talk to me.”

Her voice rose now, pure panic like Elijah had never heard there before. “Please, you have to come and open the door now, I have to know if he’s all right.”

Elijah felt a little panic of his own but he bit down hard on it. “I’ll be there as soon as I can,” and he hung up.

Twenty minutes later he was running up the stairs to the flat, two at a time. Yvonne was standing by the door, her appearance not quite as perfect as normal.

“I’m so glad you came,” she said, clutching at his hand. “I considered calling the police but Orli would have been very cross with me if he’s just hiding away. But what else was I to do? I couldn’t just go home and leave him, could I? He may have said some terrible things but he is still my son.” She was babbling, another thing Elijah had never heard her do before.

“It’s all right, I’ve got the key,” he pulled his hand out of hers, his key ring still hooked on his finger, and opened the door.

The stench was the first thing that hit him, vomit and alcohol and a plain rank nastiness. It hadn’t been this bad when he was here. When was that? Was it only yesterday or the day before? The knife in his guts twisted a little sharper. “Orli,” Elijah called out. The hallway was in darkness but there seemed to be lights on in all the other rooms. He headed towards the sound of the radio in the kitchen, Yvonne close at his back. “Where are you?”

He looked in the bathroom as he passed. In the bright light the vomit over the floor and toilet stood out stark and vivid. “Jesus,” Elijah hissed and headed further up the hall. Yvonne breathed an appalled, “Oh,” her hand going to her mouth and followed him.

The bedroom was in disarray, things thrown about, furniture tipped over, even a curtain was partially ripped from its runner. But it was the wall opposite the bed that hit Elijah hardest. Every picture had been ripped down, every photo torn to shreds, all the pieces scattered across the floor and the bed. Elijah’s face tightened with apprehension. “Orli?” he called again, turning for the door.

Elijah found him in the living room, slumped on the floor, one leg caught up on the sofa. There was dried vomit on the front of his t shirt and an empty bottle of vodka by his head. He was out cold.

“Not again,” the worry was gone from Yvonne’s voice, replaced by disapproval. “I’ll get something to clean him up with then we need to get him into bed, even though it’s filthy.” She moved off towards the kitchen. “I’m sorry to have dragged you over here for this.”

Elijah knelt by Orli’s head. Tentatively he put out a hand and brushed the hair back from Orli’s forehead. He looked like a little boy with long eyelashes and soft cheeks. All right so maybe a little boy who’d been badly beaten, but still a little boy. And Elijah loved him.

It suddenly hit him, like a tidal wave that he’d always known was there: he loved Orli beyond reason and sense, with every atom of his being. He curved his hand around Orli’s cheek, his thumb ghosting over his lips, and the hand gripping his guts went up to his heart and twisted brutally.

“Yvonne,” he called sharply. “Forget that and call an ambulance, now.”

“What?” Yvonne appeared in the doorway, a damp towel in her hands.

“Ring for an ambulance, his breathing isn’t right.”

Yvonne blanched but thankfully didn’t hesitate, going straight for the phone. While she made the call and gave brisk information Elijah pulled Orli onto his side, lifting his head slightly. He cursed the fact he’d never paid attention to the first aid class he’d been to at one of his schools.

“They said they’ll only be a few minutes,” Yvonne said crouching down next to Elijah. “How is he?”

“He’s not right,” Elijah shook his head and looked around the room. If the bedroom had been a mess this was chaos. “I’ve seen enough drunks to know this is something more.” And then he saw it, a packet of painkillers under the coffee table. He snatched at it. Half empty.

“Fuck,” the word hissed from between Elijah’s teeth.

Yvonne heard it as she registered the packet in his grasp and her hand went to her mouth again. Suddenly she seemed to need to be practical and away from Orli. She got up, opening the front door and looking out for the paramedics, collecting her bag from the kitchen and turning off the lights in other rooms. Elijah left her to it, arching over Orli, stroking his face.

“What have you done, you stupid bugger?” he murmured close to Orli’s ear. There was no response except a cold numbness that crept up Elijah’s body.

The next few minutes were a blur of activity as the ambulance arrived and Orli was assessed before being loaded onto a trolley. Elijah stood back against the wall, his hands balled into fists pressed into his belly, and watched. Then they were off and moving, taking Orli away, and Elijah stayed where he was.

It was only Yvonne’s sharp command of, “Elijah,” that made him move, following them down the stairs as Yvonne closed the front door. Out on the street he stood back again, watching as Orli was lifted up into the back of the ambulance. The paramedics explained to Yvonne that one person could go with them. Elijah took another step away but Yvonne caught up with him.

“You go,” she ordered but Elijah backed away.

“No, I can’t,” he blustered. “You go, he’s your son.”

She stopped and looked at him shrewdly. “I want to take my car, I’ll follow behind you.” And that was it, the decision was taken out of his hands as he was bustled into the van, pushed into a seat, and they were off, siren and lights blazing.

It was hard sitting there unable to do anything, all power taken from him, as he watched them working on Orli. But it was nowhere near as hard as when they got to the hospital and Orli was taken through double swing doors that closed in Elijah’s face. He stood and wondered if he’d ever see Orli again, and he was still standing there when Yvonne arrived and guided him to a seat.

Then they waited and they waited and they waited. After a while Yvonne bought coffee and Elijah held it till it got cold then stood it on the floor under his chair. He couldn’t seem to feel anything, nothing, just a numbness that seemed to have reached every part of him, every atom.

After an age it slowly registered that the world outside had woken up and was moving again. Elijah went outside and rang his school, saying he wouldn’t be in today. His head teacher sounded eternally grateful that he had taken matters into his own hands, and told him not to come back till he was ready but to stay in touch, they were worried about him. Worried about him? The idea puzzled Elijah, he gave up thinking about it and went back inside to sit on the hard plastic chair.

At long last a doctor came out to talk to them, Yvonne sprung up, clutching her bag tightly like a shield. This was it, this was all important. Elijah stood up but didn’t move. How did he feel?

Deep down in his guts he knew Orli would be all right or was that just hope? Hope for what? He pressed his fingers tips against his thighs as hard as he could, the pain grounding him.

Orli.

He watched the doctor’s mouth moving and made himself concentrate on the words. Orli was awake and would be all right.

Yvonne thanked the doctor much too profusely, then sniffed into her hanky for a brief moment. Elijah still couldn’t seem to feel anything except an ache buried inside. They sat back down and waited some more until a nurse came and told them that they could go in and see Orli now. Yvonne clutched Elijah’s arm and dragged him along as though it were the most expected thing in the world. He followed because he didn’t know what else to do.

They were directed to a corner cubicle with a curtain closed across it. Yvonne pulled it open and went in. The doctor was standing next to the bed shielding Orli from view so Elijah slipped in quietly and perched on another hard chair in the corner. Orli’s head was turned away from Elijah as he looked up at the doctor and his mother. Yvonne started to fuss but it was slowly replaced by accusation and censure, Orli was quiet at first but then started to argue, his voice gruff.

Elijah sat and looked. There were bruises showing under the short sleeves of the horrible hospital gown and Orli’s fingers were dirty, deep ingrained dirt. He could only see the edge of Orli’s eye but it looked a little less swollen, if still a mass of colours. He watched the rise and fall of Orli’s chest, heard the rasp of his voice even if he didn’t listen to the words.

The doctor was saying something now and Elijah could tell from the tone of Orli’s reply that he didn’t like it. He thought he should listen but it didn’t really seem important, Orli was going to be all right, that was all that mattered. Yvonne joined in the argument and Orli turned away, exasperated. That’s when he saw Elijah sitting in the chair, and he was suddenly motionless, eyes fixed on Elijah.

“Elijah,” he mouthed the word silently and then just lay still and looked. Elijah stared back, unable and unwilling to speak.

After a moment the spell was broken when the doctor started to talk again. “You may want to go home but I really don’t think it’s advisable. You are malnourished, you have multiple contusions and then there is the fact you took a quantity of paractemols along with alcohol.”

“I told you,” Orli pulled his gaze from Elijah and turned back to the doctor, pushing himself up on an elbow. “I wasn’t trying to kill myself. Yeah, I had a few drinks and my head hurt so I took some painkillers,” he shrugged dismissively. “Then I kinda forgot what I’d had and took some more. I didn’t mean anything, it was an accident, I know I shouldn’t have had both at the same time.”

“We only have your explanation for that,” the doctor pointed out.

“What do you want to do?” Orli asked belligerently. “Treat me for something that didn’t happen? I’m an idiot, we all know that, I made a mistake but nothing else.”

The doctor folded his arms and considered for a moment. “There are all the other factors to consider,” he started to shake his head. “I’m not prepared to let you go home alone at this point.”

“Oh for fuck’s sake,” Orli muttered, dropping back to the bed, his hands rubbing at his face. “What you going to do, tie me to the bed?”

“Orli, don’t be ridiculous,” Yvonne interjected in an exasperated voice. She turned to the doctor. “Would you allow him to go if he came home with me? I can promise you I’ll take good care of him.”

“That seems reasonable,” the doctor conceded. “Would he be staying at your house?”

“Yes, it’s no problem,” Yvonne was planning it all.

“No,” Orli was firm and loud. “I’m not going with you mum, I’m going home.”

“Now you’re just being plain difficult,” Yvonne could be firm as well.

“No I’m not, I’m…”

“I’m not going to release you unless there is someone to take care of you…”

“You’ll do as you’re told for once…”

They all started to talk at the same time and Elijah couldn’t stand it. “I’ll look after him.” He said it quietly but everyone appeared to hear. Three heads turned in Elijah’s direction, but only one really mattered. He hadn’t intended to say it, hadn’t thought about it or what it meant, the words had just appeared of their own volition. “I’ll look after him.”

There, he’d said it again.

“Elijah?” Yvonne asked.

“I’ll take care of him Mrs Bloom,” all of a sudden he couldn’t call her by her Christian name. And he couldn’t look at the man in the bed. “Can we go now?” he asked the doctor.

“You don’t look well yourself,” the doctor eyed him suspiciously.

“I’m fine,” Elijah got up, heading for the curtained exit. “I just haven’t had much sleep. Can we go?”

Faced with the direct question, the patient’s unwillingness to co-operate, an obvious solution and his ever expanding work load, the doctor did the only thing he could and discharged Orli. It took a some time, time during which Elijah sat back in the waiting room in a kind of self created isolation, which even Yvonne had the sense not to cross, and then Orli was ready to leave. They walked out to the car in a straggly line, mother, son and then Elijah bringing up the rear.

Yvonne unlocked the doors and got in, Elijah slid into the back and shut the door while Orli still stood on the pavement. Orli watched, accepted it, and got in the front. The journey back to the flat was made in near silence, oh Yvonne tried, but no one else was talking.

She came up to the flat, fussing around and talking too much while Orli flopped onto a chair at the kitchen table and Elijah stood, arms folded, leaning against the doorframe. “Right well,” she pushed her sleeves up, business like and ready for action. “I think the first priority should be cleaning up the bathroom, so I’ll get started on that and then…”

“I’ll do it,” Elijah interrupted, not loud but firm.

“That’s a rotten job, you don’t want to do it, I’ll just…”

“I’ll do it,” Elijah interrupted again, fixing Yvonne with a steel gaze when she turned to argue. “I said I’ll look after him and I will.” He dropped his voice, softening the tone. “You go home and get some sleep, you need it. I’ll take care of everything here.”

She stopped then, closing her mouth and looking from one to the other, fully aware that they hadn’t spoken to each other. But, she supposed, there were some things she couldn’t control. “All right, if that’s what you want.” She collected up her things. “I’ll leave you to it.”

“Thank you,” Elijah said as she left. It was quiet then, after the noise of her departure, just him and Orli in what was once ‘their’ kitchen. Elijah looked at Orli for the first time since the hospital, then pushed himself away from the doorframe. “You stay here while I clean up your puke,” he found a bucket and a cloth.

“I can do it,” Orli said. “I’m not ill and it is my puke.”

“I said I’ll do it,” Elijah stared at him hard for just a moment, then pulled his eyes away. “I’ll run you a bath, you need it, you stink.” Then he was gone, off to the bathroom to do as he said.

Orli sat at the table for a few minutes listening to the sound of the running water, slow to absorb what was happening, until Elijah called him and he made his way slowly to the bathroom. As promised the bath was filled with steaming water and bubbles and Elijah had cleaned up the mess. There was a strong pervading smell of disinfectant that would linger for days.

“Elijah,” Orli tried softly, but it wasn’t time yet.

“Come on, shave and wash,” Elijah said, all efficiency. “You might as well throw your clothes in the bin, we’ll never get them clean.”

Orli hung onto the sink for a moment. ‘We’ll never get them clean.’ Elijah had said we, not you.

“Shave?” Elijah reminded him.

Slowly Orli stripped off his top, dumping it in the corner, then lathered up his face. It was a difficult process around the cuts and bruises. He found his razor and looked in the mirror. It hardly looked like him. Peering back from the mirror was an old man with red-rimmed, bloodshot eyes. Orli pressed his lips together and willed himself to behave normally as he raised the razor. His hand shook badly.

“Here,” Elijah said, taking the razor from his hand and pressing him back so he sat on the edge of the bath. Only Elijah’s hand was trembling slightly as well as it curved around Orli’s cheek to pull it tight. Warm. It felt so warm to Orli. Warmth and comfort and… Orli watched in the mirror, his eyes fixed to where their skin met. Elijah’s hand on his cheek; his hands shook at the image and he pulled at the seams of his trousers in an effort to still them.

Somehow, between Orli’s shaking hands and Elijah’s clumsy fingers, they managed to shave him. Elijah’s finger tips ghosted across the skin in an unnecessary but satisfying pattern, and Orli couldn’t help but close his eyes at the remembered touch.

Elijah’s index finger remained on Orli’s lower lip, pulling it slightly, as he finished. “That’s it, that’s the best I can do, you’re done,” Elijah said quietly without moving his hand. Orli opened his eyes and looked up. Elijah’s face was serious, but was there a hint of something?

“Into the bath,” Elijah was practical again and the ‘something’ had gone. “I’ll go and change the bed.” He waited till he was sure Orli was doing as he was told, then he left with a parting instruction. “Wash your hair a few times, it’s filthy, and scrub your hands.”

He collected clean sheets from the linen cupboard in the hallway and then went into the bedroom and just stopped, standing still in the middle of the room with his arms full. Touching Orli’s face like that, holding his cheek and his chin, looking down while Orli’s eyes had been closed… now Elijah’s hands started to tremble in earnest.

He shook himself and started work on the bed. All of a sudden he could see them lying there, tangled together after sex, just as though it were real. Shaking his head again he pulled off the grimy sheets, rolling them up and throwing them in the corner by the door. As he did so bits of ripped up drawings and photographs fluttered to the floor. He stopped and picked up one, a photo of the two of them last summer at the seaside. They were leaning against each other, huge ice creams in their hands, the wind teasing at their hair, laughter on their faces.

The memories hit Elijah like a wave, tugging at his insides, he could remember how he’d felt back then. A good day.

Finishing up he collected the dirty laundry and went back to the bathroom to put it in the washing basket. Orli was sitting up in the bath, his wet hair slicked back from his face, the bruises on his chest looking grey, older. There was the freckle at the bottom of his shoulder blade that Elijah loved so much, there was the bone at the top of his spine that Elijah loved to lick.

All of a sudden he could see them, clear as day, in the bath together, his head nestled against Orli’s neck, candle light mingling with the soft sound of their voices.

“I’ll make us something to eat then I think we should get some sleep, I don’t know about you but I could do with some,” he said, pushing the image away.

Orli looked up at him and nodded, it still wasn’t time. But the thought of sleep meant bed and… “I’m not really hungry.”

“Neither am I but I know we have to eat, even if it’s just to get your mum off our backs.”

‘Our’ backs.

Orli pushed his lips together hard for a moment. “I don’t know if there’s much food in the cupboard.”

“I’ll find something,” Elijah dismissed it. “You finish up and come out when you’re ready.”

Eggs seemed to be the only thing in the fridge, the only thing in the cupboards. Those and a bit of hard bread, Elijah deliberately didn’t look at the sell by dates as he made omelettes and buttered some bread. What milk he could find was off so it was black tea and a couple of biscuits to go with it. He went to call Orli but stopped. Orlando, he’d been about to shout Orlando down the passageway. That name, their name. No, not now.

He was saved trying again when Orli appeared, barefoot and dressed in an old t shirt and sweatpants. “Best I could do,” Elijah said as he cleared some of the mess and put the plates on the table. And there was another image all of a sudden, so real it hurt. Him brushing junk from the table as Orli laid him out and fucked him. “Eat.”

“It looks good,” Orli said as he sat down.

They lapsed into silence while they ate. Not an awkward silence or an uneasy silence but an odd one that Elijah couldn’t quite identify. They hardly looked at each other apart from the odd surreptitious glance but both were acutely aware of the other and their proximity.

“You look knackered,” Elijah said as he finished all he could eat and put his knife and fork on his plate. “Sleep now, we can clear this up later.”

“It’s not like a few dirty plates are going to be noticeable in this place,” Orli sort of smiled and Elijah didn’t reject it.

“Exactly,” Elijah started to collect up their crockery and stack it near the already full dishwasher. “Go on, go to bed.”

Orli bit at his lip but didn’t ask. Bed? Elijah had said they both needed to sleep. Don’t think about it, wait and see. He climbed in gratefully, surprised at how much the clean, fresh smelling sheets affected him. Elijah loved clean sheets, loved sleeping in a freshly changed bed. The newness of the sheets reminded him of Elijah.

Elijah piled up the last of the plates, shrugged at the state of the room, then followed after Orli.

Closing the bedroom door he stopped and looked for a minute, Orli looked back, his face accepting. Elijah closed his eyes. Too much. Too many memories, too many images to cope with. He had to put them to one side now. He slipped out of his jeans and held them in his hand. He didn’t feel nervous, quite the opposite, he felt an odd sense of calm, an inevitability, a feeling that at long last he’d found his place again. He was meant to be here and he could let out his breath and relax for the first time in far too long.

He dropped the jeans on the chair and went to open the window a little. The cold, damp air drifted into the room immediately and he drank it in, feeling it catch in his lungs. Looking out at the street below he realised he had no idea what time it was. Somewhere in the afternoon he guessed, but he could be wrong. Getting up and doing things time, not going to bed time. For a moment he wondered if the children in his class were out in the playground or if they’d gone home and hoped someone was taking good care of them, then he pulled the curtains, leaving a gap showing the sky outside.

The room was filled with a murky gloom that cast odd shadows in the corners and on the walls. Elijah thought he rather liked it.

He lifted the corner of the duvet and slipped underneath to lie on his back, parallel to Orli. They didn’t touch, a line of empty sheet clear between them. Orli rolled onto his side, a hand under his face, and Elijah could see his huge, pained eyes in the gloom.

“I’m,” Orli stopped, his voice hoarse as though he were frightened to use it. “I’m glad you’re here,” he didn’t move, didn’t attempt to close the gap.

“You have to understand, if I leave again I’ll find a pier, walk to the end and just keep going,” Elijah said, his voice full of the same strange calm he felt. “This isn’t one of your normal melodramatic gestures, this is me saying I don’t want to do it anymore, I don’t want to be without you. I’ve made a conscious, deliberate decision to gamble on you one last time. It was hard; I know the huge, huge risk I’m taking because, if this doesn’t work, I won’t be able to go back. I’ve realised I can survive on my own, have a simple life without reverting to my old ways, but also that I don’t want to. It’s not worth just surviving. I’m trusting myself to you because the alternative is too awful and empty.”

“It will work,” Orli whispered. “It has to, because I can’t do it either.”

Elijah turned and looked at Orli for the first time since getting into bed. “No more surprises, no more hurting me. You’ve done it twice, I can’t take anymore. I know my limitations and I’m not stupid, if this fails it’ll destroy me.”

“I won’t, I promise, and I really do know what I’m promising.” Orli’s eyes didn’t leave Elijah’s and even in the dimness Elijah could see the tightening around them, the twitching of his cheek muscles. “I didn’t knowingly take those pills but I have thought about ending it. Not one of my melodramatic gestures, I wasn’t going to throw myself under your car, I just… I just wanted it to stop. I wanted to stop.”

“I looked at you passed out on the floor, covered in sick and not breathing right, and it almost killed me. I love you so much and the thought that you might die…” Elijah shook his head as though he were trying to drive the idea away. “But that’s not why I’m here,” he shook his head again. “What have we done to ourselves?”

“You mean what have I done?” For a moment Orli almost had to look away but he didn’t. He stayed with his eyes fixed on Elijah, determination in his voice. “I know what I’ve done, I nearly destroyed both of us.”

Elijah caught a breath and turned back to stare with unseeing eyes up at the dark ceiling. “You have to understand something else as well, something even worse.” He bit at his lip, pulling off a piece of dry skin with his teeth till he could feel the blood smear. “I started off by questioning everything about us and everything I’d become. It was hard, it felt like I’d built who I was on you and that seemed to be gone.”

“I hadn’t gone, I was just lost,” Orli tried to explain but Elijah shook his head.

“Shss, don’t talk, not for a bit,” he said gently. “Let me explain.”

Orli stopped, holding himself still and pulling his arms tight around himself.

“I questioned us, then who I’d become and finally, more importantly, who I’d been. I couldn’t help myself going over all those barriers and excuses I’d put up to protect myself and slowly they started to crumble.” Orli could see round, shinning tears forming at the corners of Elijah’s eyes and slowly, oh so slowly they tipped over his lashes and rolled down his cheeks. Elijah didn’t seem to notice them.

“I always said I was in control, that I was never hurt and never raped, and I truly believed it.” His lip trembled and he licked at it before he went on. “But I was lying to myself. I didn’t want to do all those things I did, I did them because I thought it was what was expected of me. I didn’t think I had a choice,” he said simply.

“But I was used and hurt and I was… never in control, not when I was a kid, not for a long time. It was years before I was even playing at control and it hurts to admit that almost more than anything else.” The tears were flowing freely now but Elijah continued to ignore them and his voice was impassive, as though the two things weren’t connected. Orli ached to wipe them away but he made his hands stay still.

“At fourteen I’d crawl on the bed, close my eyes, open my legs and wait for it to happen. All the time I’d be telling myself I was in control but people would just take my body and use it, if I’d start to pull away they’d just hold me tighter. But in my head I wasn’t raped because I didn’t say no. I didn’t say no but I didn’t have a choice.”

“I was just a kid and I wanted someone to come along and rescue me and…” he sucked in a huge breath. “I don’t blame anyone for taking advantage, I know what I was like, and I don’t blame myself for making up the lies and believing them. It’s what I had to do to survive but now, now I don’t know anything. I don’t know what I was, I don’t know how to go on or how to be or…”

He let the breath out slowly. “I can survive, I’ve learned how to do that, but you taught me to want more. I go through the motions each day because there’s nothing else to do but it doesn’t make sense and I can’t keep doing it anymore. There’s no point in just existing and there’s nothing else when I’m on my own. I’ll never trust anyone else, but even if I could it wouldn’t help. I love you, you fill my mind and my soul and I want you,” he ignored the tears as they dripped from his cheeks. “I know my past will overwhelm and destroy me if I don’t have something in my life, something good and decent like you. If I’m not sex anymore then what am I apart from emptiness?”

“I know what you are, you’re my glue,” Orli said and he realised he was crying too. “Please, please Elijah, be my glue, the thing that holds me together, I can’t do it without you. I know that now, I’ve turned into this pathetic wreck that even I don’t recognise, all because you weren’t there to hold me together. You’re my glue and I need you.”

Elijah turned and looked at Orli, heedless of the tears. “Orli, I want more, I want a future with love and hope and I’m lost without it.”

“So am I, I fell apart without you, I couldn’t think of a reason to do… anything. I haven’t got anything else, you were all I had, all that mattered.” Not yet, not yet. Orli fought back the urge to reach out. This was too important. “And I don’t want to do it without you, so please, be my reason for getting up in the morning, be my reason for… being.”

“Orli?”

Orli wiped at his own eyes, his hand harsh and swift. “You need someone to give you a purpose, and I need…” For a moment he couldn’t get the words out. “Fuck Elijah, I need you. I know what I am; I’m a sick, stupid idiot that doesn’t appreciate when he’s the luckiest man alive. I don’t just love you and want you, I need you in the most basic way possible. You might be able to survive on your own but I can’t. Please, let me be there for you. I’ll tell you what your purpose is; it’s to be my glue and my reason.

“You’ll make me real again? Give me more?” Elijah’s nose was running along with his eyes, but what did it matter?

“Course I will, if you’ll just let me love you,” Orli wiped at his face again with a shaking hand. “Be my passion. Give us a chance to mend, please?”

“I’m here, aren’t I?” Elijah tried to smile through his tears and Orli knew it was time. Oh he wanted this so much, just to hold Elijah, just to touch him. He reached out tentatively and ghosted his finger tips across the roundness of Elijah’s shoulder. He could feel it, that connection they had always had, it was starting to flow again, building, tingling up his fingers and along his hand. It felt right and good and… it felt like home.

“Be my reason,” Orli whispered, curving his hand over the top of Elijah’s arm, his fingers pressing just a little. And then it was too much; he needed Elijah with a physical hunger that hurt like pain. He pulled Elijah roughly to him, pressing Elijah’s face against his chest. Oh that touch; it felt like little bolts of electricity, a real recordable phenomenon that pulsed between their skins and went deep to the centre of his body.

“Orli,” Elijah’s breath was warm against Orli’s skin as he buried his face deeper. “Don’t let me go.”

“I won’t; never, ever, ever.” Orli twisted his arms around Elijah, rolling so he half covered Elijah’s body. This was it, all he ever wanted, all he ever needed. He smoothed his hands over as much of Elijah as he could, just needing to touch and hold and… He was shaking, he knew he was, his stomach muscles tightening and his chest heaving.

All he ever wanted, all he ever needed.

He wouldn’t lose this again, couldn’t. No one deserved as many chances as he’d had and Elijah needed him.

Elijah needed him almost as much as he needed Elijah. If nothing else they’d proved they couldn’t make it on their own.

“I’ll break if you let me go,” Elijah whispered.

“So will I but I won’t let you go,” Orli’s hands fisted in the back of Elijah’s t shirt, just as Elijah’s were doing at the front of his. Holding on for dear life Orli suddenly thought. They were clinging on to each other for dear life. “We won’t let go.”

“And don’t hurt me,” he felt Elijah’s breath again, so soft, so uncertain. “I can’t take any more.”

“I’ll take those pills before I hurt you again, just, stay with me, love me, please?”

Orli felt Elijah’s nod against his chest and let the rest of his tears pour out.

+

Orli hadn’t cried himself to sleep in years and years but it had felt right, good, clutching onto Elijah and letting all the pain of the last few months out. Elijah had cried just as hard, burying his face in Orli’s neck, his hands fisting in the back of his t shirt, scratching at Orli’s flesh. Such good scratches, healthy and healing as they clung to each other and let their soft sobs run their course.

He woke after timeless hours and felt a wave of peace wash over him even before he opened his eyes. He could feel Elijah pressed close along his body, one hand still tangled in the fabric covering his hip. They were curled around each other in a mess of limbs, all intertwined and comfortable. He felt relaxed for the first time in too long.

Orli could smell Elijah’s hair where it brushed so close to his face, feel his breath in gentle puffs against his neck. If he just reached out an inch or two with his tongue he knew he’d be able to taste Elijah’s skin; that oh so familiar taste that he had missed so much it hurt.

Adjusting his position only slightly he turned his head so he could look at Elijah properly. Even in the murky light he could see him clearly and his heart soared. He had always loved to watch Elijah sleep, he’d spent many hours lying in bed just watching, but this time it was special. He hadn’t thought he’d ever get to see it again, and he thanked his luck once more.

He traced the tip of his thumb under Elijah’s eye, it was still puffy and softly red from his tears. The lashes brushed the top of Orli’s finger as he reversed along the way he’d come. Elijah was back, he was actually here and Orli still couldn’t quite believe it.

Elijah stirred at the touch but didn’t wake. He lifted his leg higher onto Orli’s thigh, skin sliding on skin, and Orli caught his breath and stopped. Elijah settled again, burrowing his nose into Orli in that old familiar way. Orli kept quite still and just looked.

Elijah.

Elijah’s ear: so perfect with its whirls and curls and rounded lobe. The flesh just below it, smooth and pale as ever with a gentle prickle of stubble. Orli looked where each hair broke through the flesh, dark and standing proud. Looked at the column of Elijah’s neck with its thick strong tendons and muscles, looked at the pulse of an artery. His skin still had a left over blotchiness from the emotions of the night and Orli ached to touch.

Despite the lasting signs, Elijah looked calm and relaxed in sleep. So very different from how he had looked when Orli had first seen him at the hospital. Then the lines of tension and pain had cut deep. His eyes had looked almost… haunted. Now they were peacefully closed, the dark lashes contrasting with his cheeks, the pale, lightly veined flesh of the lids clearly visible. This had always been Orli’s alone, no one else got to watch Elijah sleep except him, no one else saw his eyelids as he lay vulnerable.

But then Orli couldn’t help but think of what Elijah had said before, of other hands touching him. Other unwanted hands that had touched and hurt and took away a young boy’s innocence. Orli felt his chest tighten and his eyes prickle again. But no, he would not cry, no more. Crying was done, now they had to move forward, be themselves. And they didn’t cry often.

Still the thought of those hands pulled at Orli’s mind. Hands that had held Elijah down and hurt him. Hands that had made Elijah put up false barriers around himself that no one got through. No one until Orli. And yet it was Orli who had made Elijah cry.

Orli felt the weight of responsibility fall on his chest and he welcomed it. He hadn’t understood before but he did now. He thought back to a time long ago when he had gone to Sunday school as a child. He offered up a silent prayer, his first in all those years, and he wasn’t even sure if he believed anymore. ‘Dear God, don’t ever let me hurt him again. If I can’t be what he deserves get me away from him now.’

But deep down he knew that the answer wasn’t in God’s or anyone else’s hands, it was in his. He was the one that could destroy Elijah but he was also the one that could protect him and make him whole. He pulled Elijah closer to him, kissing the mop of dark unruly hair.

Elijah rubbed his face against Orli’s neck and yawned. He looked up a tiny, gentle smile on his lips. “Morning,” he wriggled, angling himself under Orli’s arm. “I slept well, isn’t that funny? I haven’t done that for… ages, and I didn’t dream at all.” He looked up at Orli, the smile a little surer. “Is it morning or evening or what?”

“I have no idea,” Orli admitted. “And I’m not moving to look at the clock, I’m too comfy.”

“Me too,” Elijah snuggled further in.

“This feels right, doesn’t it?” Orli stroked over Elijah’s back.

“Yeah,” Elijah’s tone became more serious. “I know it’ll never be like it was before, we can’t go back, but we can go on,” he held Orli’s gaze. “We can make it better, even stronger.”

“I want that so much, and not just for myself,” Orli’s hand stilled as he thought. “I want to make you happy, it sort of feels like that’s what I need to do with my life. I asked you to be my glue and I think you said you would…” all of a sudden Orli sounded hesitant. “You did say you would, didn’t you?”

“Yeah, I’ll be your glue,” Elijah nodded, then a grin curled at his lips. “Although that’s kind of a weird idea.”

“But it’s right though, isn’t it? It works, you understand?” Orli asked and Elijah nodded. “You’ll be my glue and I’ll be your… What is it ‘Lijah? You always know what I mean, what’s the word I’m looking for?”

“Home, you’ll be my home Orlando.” And they both knew the importance of the nicknames.

Orli pulled him into a tight hug, pressing his face into Elijah’s hair. “I will, I bloody will be your home.” He blew out a breath, long and loud, then held Elijah away from him so that they could look at each other. “All right?”

“I am, I,” it was Elijah’s turn to stop and think. “I got lost and scared and… it’s not so bad now you’re here.”

“Let me be there for you, always.”

“I… You…” Elijah stopped again, his eyes searching Orli’s face as though he were seeing it clearly for the first time. “I thought you’d lied to me, that I’d built this new version of me on the lies you’d told me, but you didn’t. You have always been honest with me, even this time you came straight home and told me what you had done when it would have been so much easier to keep quiet.”

“Easy?” Orli raised an eyebrow in disbelief. “I can’t lie to you.”

“And that’s what I didn’t understand. I thought what we had was a lie because of what you did, but you’ve never promised to be perfect, never said you were. You try to do the right thing, no matter what the cost, and you did this time. You cocked up spectacularly but you were honest about it. Just like you’ve been honest about everything else; the jealousy, how you feel about Shane, everything.”

“I make mistakes Elijah, just like everyone else,” Orli said seriously. “But I’ve always tried my best, I will always do my best by you. I’ll give you everything I am, you just have to realise that includes all my faults as well.”

“I can do that,” Elijah nodded. “I need your honesty and normalness, I just had to see things right. I thought you were a lie, like everything that had come before, but you’re not. Maybe I lied to myself about you, I seem to have a habit of doing that, but deep down I knew what you were. You’re a normal, honest, decent, damaged, flawed idiot just like me. I’m not doing it anymore,” Elijah’s eyes were clear and unwavering. “I’m not lying to myself.”

“You’ve ripped yourself apart trying to understand the past, haven’t you?”

Elijah pulled a face and nodded.

“Time to leave that and concentrate on the future?”

“Yeah, I guess so.”

“There’s nothing you can do about the past but there’s still everything to play for in the future. Christ, I should know that. I don’t want to push you too hard but…” Orli faltered then decided to say it anyway. “I’m so desperate for this to work, it wasn’t just that I couldn’t function without you, it’s that I couldn’t see the point in even trying. You make me see things, make me understand the world. Without you I get in a mess and do everything wrong. I need you to keep me going right, to stop me making mistake after mistake. I don’t know what to do without you,” he finished, almost helplessly. “I cocked up and I’m sorry, I …”

“I know,” Elijah tried to interrupt but Orli wouldn’t let him.

“No, you have to let me say this, I cocked up and I’m sorry,” Orli repeated. “But I won’t let it happen again. Never Elijah, I won’t hurt you again.”

Elijah rested his hand against Orli’s chest, tracing a pattern with his thumb. “I never doubted you were sorry, it was just everything else.” He looked at Orli, holding his gaze firm. “I’ll let you back in but you have to understand who I am now. Maybe I expect too much but I won’t share you.”

“It’s not too much,” Orli exclaimed. “It’s only right, you won’t share me, I…”

“Listen to me for a minute,” Elijah said softly, his finger moving up to Orli’s hair. “I said I know my limitations, I know the man I’ve become, the man I want to be, and I won’t share.”

Orli stilled, his lips pressed hard together, his eyes determined. “I don’t want us to share,” he said. “I don’t want to be shared. I want to be wanted exclusively, just like I want you exclusively. Does that make sense?”

Elijah nodded. “Sharing isn’t how we do things,” he snorted out a low laugh of gentle mockery at them both. “We’re both too obsessive for that. But that’s okay, because together we can be obsessive. Let’s face it Orlando, on our own we’re useless, together we’re stronger than anyone. I won’t accept less than that. I won’t forget what you did, I dunno if I’ll ever forgive you for it, but it’s time I put it behind us, for both our sakes.”

“You think you can? You think we can get past this?” Orli bit the inside of his cheek, his stomach muscles clenching as he prayed for the right answer.

After a moment there was an almost imperceptible movement of Elijah’s head that grew. “We’ll do it,” and for the first time he sounded like the determined Elijah of old. “We’ll move on and get better, we’ve both been forced to understand things about ourselves that we really didn’t want to know, but now we do,” he shrugged. “We’re stronger.”

Orli let out his breath slowly, a small smile forming as his fingers twisted tight in Elijah’s t shirt.

“There’s something else we have to put behind us as well,” Elijah said, looking straight at Orli. “I don’t know what that thing was out in the hall, I don’t know if I ever will, but I don’t want to think about it again so it’s done, it’s passed, we move on.” He held Orli’s gaze. “Both of us,” it was an instruction, not a question.

Orli nodded slowly. “I…”

“No,” Elijah was firm. “It’s done. I’m not living with anymore ifs and maybes.” His voice turned softer. “It’s done?”

Orli nodded again, a little surer this time, his fingers tighter still in the material of Elijah’s t shirt. “Yes,” and then again more emphatically. “Yes, I want to move on. I’m going to give you all the love and hope you need. All the love, hope and…”

“Glue?” Elijah smiled.

“Fuck, I love you,” he pulled Elijah in closer, burying his face in Elijah’s hair and just inhaling the smell. “Let’s not go out anymore or see anyone, let’s just stay in on our own forever?” Even Orli wasn’t sure how much he was joking.

“All right,” Elijah smiled. “We won’t talk to anyone at all,” he paused, just long enough. “After you’ve rung your mum.”

“Oh ‘Lijah,” Orli groaned, and it was back, the casual use of the name, their way of being together. “I don’t want to talk to her, she knows you’re here and that I’m okay.”

“But you’re still going to ring her,” Elijah said, making himself comfortable on top of Orli again, angling his head up till their lips were almost brushing. “She deserves a bit of reassurance.”

“I don’t want to.”

“But you will,” Elijah smiled and it reached his eyes this time.

“Suppose so,” Orli conceded and closed the last of the gap. Oh it was sweet, that press of flesh and rub of skin that meant so much more than the action. Orli just let their lips slide into place, no hitch, no clumsiness, just a graceful flow till they fit beautifully, as always. He pushed his tongue forward so the tip just rested against the front of Elijah’s teeth and stopped, sighing as his eyes closed. So perfect. So what he wanted.

Elijah slanted his head just fractionally and the fit was even closer, their noses aligned, their skin touching, their tongues scarcely ghosting across each other, their lips pressed slightly open so their breath mingled. Perfect.

Elijah lifted away and rested his forehead against Orli’s. He could feel the silly, self satisfied smile pulling at the edges of his eyes and lips, feel the pink glow spreading across his cheeks.

“Oh I’ve missed that,” Orli said, and his voice was so heartfelt it was almost funny.

“Me too,” Elijah had to agree.

“It was never about anyone else, you do know that, don’t you?” Orli said softly, his hand in Elijah’s hair. “I’ve thought about it so long and so hard, I cut myself up trying to understand what I did. It was just like you said, you were right as usual, it was Shane. I felt so guilty for never loving him as much as I love you. I guess I was saying goodbye.”

“And have you?”

“Yeah,” Elijah felt rather than saw Orli’s nod of agreement. “I’ll always love him but it’s sort of muted now, more like a happy memory. I’ve said goodbye, it’s in the past now.”

“Good,” Elijah linked his fingers through Orli’s. “I’m glad you haven’t forgotten him completely but it had to be sorted, to be right.”

“I’ll never forget him but it’s about us now, only us.”

“Good,” Elijah said again as he rolled over onto his belly, still half on top of Orli. “It was never about anyone else for me either.” He looked up and smiled.

“We’ve got a long way to go, we’re not finished talking things through yet. You do know that, don’t you?” Orli asked.

“Yeah, I know,” Elijah fidgeted and wriggled, trying to get comfy and Orli sighed in pleasure. He could have forgotten how Elijah liked to wriggle, to fidget himself comfortable, and how much he loved the sensation when it was on top of him. He could have forgotten but he hadn’t. “But we’ll get there,” Elijah went on. “I’ve decided.”

“And when you decide something it happens,” Orli laughed.

“Too right it does,” Elijah smiled. “Well, at least it does this time.”

“I’ve missed you,” Orli admitted. “I’ve missed your sensibleness, your thoughtfulness, your strength, your decency and,” he grinned. “Fuck, I’ve just missed you.”

Elijah grinned back as he wriggled again. “Oh,” he exclaimed suddenly. “Would you look at that,” his grin split his face in two as he lifted up and looked down between their bodies. He softly undulated his hips, hitching his half hard cock against Orli’s thigh before collapsing back in a loose-limbed heap. “I was beginning to think it’d forgotten how to do that forever.”

“Oh I’ve missed you,” Orli said again, pulling Elijah in tight.

Elijah tucked his face into Orli’s neck and settled at last. “It’s good to be home.”




Epilogue


Yvonne stood by the door and surveyed the function room, a gentle smile tugging at her mouth. It was nice, to be here all together like this, the whole family. It was a small gathering, a celebration for the christening of her youngest grandchild. Her daughter, Alison, and son-in-law had decided to hold it in London rather than in Scotland so that everyone could be present, and she was glad that they had.

It was a warming sight.

She scanned the room again till she found what she wanted; a sight that warmed her even more and made the small smile turn into something much more heartfelt.

Orli and Elijah were sitting at a tiny table in a corner, very close together, touching along most of their bodies. Orli played with the silver ring Elijah wore while Elijah’s other hand was gently curled over Orli’s arm as it rested on the table. Their heads were close together, breath almost mingling, but they didn’t seem to be talking much. Occasionally one would say a few words and there would be secret smiles and soft kisses.

They’d been like that all night, hardly moving from their spot, not being rude, but excluding everyone who came near. No one and nothing was allowed to intrude. Angled in towards each other constantly, focused solely on the other. They touched continually, nothing grand or ostentatious, just little strokes and brushes, the hooking of a finger into a belt or a pocket, a hand on an arm or the small of a back. And the looks; they couldn’t take their eyes off each other, couldn’t seem to see anyone else.

It was a good thing, Yvonne thought, that she had persuaded them to come out into the world again. They were far from right yet but Orli’s face was better, the black rings around their eyes had faded and they were both gaining a little weight. Three weeks hiding and healing was a good start, but long enough. They both looked happier and healthier but it was more than that, oh so much more. Elijah had looked confident and almost content when Orli had pulled him close and introduced him to a distant relative and Orli had looked proud. So very, very proud.

Orli didn’t have the haunted shadows anymore, not even at the back of his eyes. He looked… Yvonne couldn’t find the words to express it. They both looked joyful and in love but also as though they knew how fortunate they were to have this extra, unexpected chance at happiness. Fortunate, thankful and a little surprised.

Elijah rubbed his face against Orli’s shoulder, laughing softly about something, as he turned closer into Orli’s body. Orli picked up Elijah’s hand and smoothed along the fingers.

They looked content. Cautious and concerned not to take anything for granted but… content.

Yvonne thanked her God.

Orli lifted his head as a niece appeared, carefully balancing a tray with little bowls of peanuts. He pressed an open mouthed kiss to Elijah’s hair, absorbing the smell, before dutifully selecting a pot and commending her efforts. Elijah watched Orli’s mouth as he spoke with concentrated fascination, a smile of simple pleasure curling his lips. Orli turned back to him and the niece was forgotten as though she had never existed.

They weren’t better yet, Yvonne knew. Oh no, they had a long, long way to go in order to rebuild Elijah’s shattered beliefs and erase Orli’s despair. There would be lots of talking and painful recriminations as they built a new life. It would never be like before, there’d been too much pain, but they would build it, she was sure of that. They had too much to lose and they both knew it.

She was confident that they’d make it and one day the shine would be back in both their eyes.

“You really should have a word with them Yvonne, they’re too much. Tell them not to behave like that in public.” Yvonne turned to look at the speaker, one of Frank’s mean-mouthed sisters, and her eyes narrowed in annoyance.

“They’re not too much,” Yvonne said clear enough for all in the vicinity to hear. “They’re… beautiful, both of them.”

Then she strode purposefully across the dance floor to stand guard in front of their table. She’d give them the space and time to heal, and heaven help anyone who tried to cross her.