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[quentelin.livejournal.com]

Author: quentelin (site)
Title: Interview Truth or Dare
Pairing: Oh, everyone.
Rating: PG
Disclaimer: This isn't true.

A journalist is on the set of the Council of Elrond, and has the unique opportunity to interview all the boys at once.

But she doesn't have a single question!

Instead, she makes the boys ask each other, and the result is a lot deeper than she intends -- or understands.

Warning: Humorous faux-interview, pairings all implied.



I'm reporting live from Elrond's council chamber on the set of Lord of the Rings! It's a bright blue New Zealand day, and we're having a break from one of the many takes. I must say it's a beautiful set, from the carefully aged statues to the real tiles to the real leaves being tossed down on our heads by two lighting grips. And surrounded by all these men in tights, I almost feel like I'm really in Middle Earth. But enough about me, on to the men in question.

All nine of them are sitting around with me in their "council robes", and all nine have agreed to take part in this little truth-or-dare style interview.

So this is our format, boys -- I want you to interview each other. If one of you refuses to answer a question, you get a 'dare'. Got it?

Billy: I feel like we're back in grade school.

Elijah: I knew I missed out on something by being home-schooled.

Dominic: You were home-schooled, then? Damn, that explains a lot.

Viggo: Not a bad idea, maybe I should home-school Henry. He'd probably be happier.

Sean B: Would you have the time for that, then? I barely have time to visit my daughters, let alone teach them math.

Gentlemen! You ready?

I thought perhaps we'd start with the oldest and most venerable among you: Ian. Ian, would you ask Elijah a question?

Ian: [Grins] Certainly. Let me think, now. What have I always wanted to know from Mr. Wood?

Elijah: I feel rather nervous!

Ian: As you should, my boy. So. As we all know, you've kissed often onscreen. But when was your first kiss, and was it particularly memorable?

[Elijah doesn't answer for a moment, and looks over at Dominic with an indescribable expression.]

Elijah: I can't pass on this one, can I.

Ian: I'm not certain you'd be up to a dare from me, lad.

Elijah: [Sighs] Okay. It was here, in New Zealand. It was in the middle of the night in City Square, right behind one of those sculptures. You know the one, the big weird twisted thing. And ... it was most definitely memorable. It was brilliant.

Ian: Brilliant, eh? So descriptive. Was it unexpected? Sloppy? Precise?

Elijah: I can't describe it. It was like coming home, like opening a door in my head that had been not only locked off, but lost. It felt like the most natural thing in the world.

Ian: [Raises his eyebrows] Well then.

And now Elijah, you get to ask the next question, to whomever you'd like.

Elijah: [Laughs] I have the power! Great! Um... Sean Bean.

Sean B: Eh?

Viggo: Wake up, Bean! [Pokes him with his sword.]

Sean B: Christ, man. I'm awake!

Elijah: Sean. We know you've been married three times, and about to be single again. Would you be tempted to do it again?

Sean B: [Snorts] Not unless someone very very special comes along. [His eyes drift vaguely over to Viggo, but then he looks down.]

Elijah: So you'd do it again? I must say, even marrying once seems like a huge deal to me, and I can't imagine doing it three times.

Sean B: [Chuckles rather humorlessly] Neither could I, really. I guess it's part of how I take life, you know? Don't worry about it. If the situation arises and it feels right, do it. If it no longer feels right, stop doing it.

Viggo: That's a rather short-sighted philosophy, friend.

Sean B: It's gotten me here, hasn't it?

Sean, it's your turn. Ask whomever you'd like.

Sean B: Viggo. You've also been married before. Why'd you end it?

Viggo: [Stares] This is something we've discussed before.

Sean B: [Blushes, mutters] Oh, right.

Viggo: But for the Fellowship, I'll repeat it. I realized that I felt constrained, that life isn't about loving just one person, knowing just one person. It's about tasting and feeling everything.

Ian: [Softly] Everything, eh?

Viggo: [Fixes Ian with an almost challenging look, but then nods] Oh yes.

Sean B: So you're not so unlike me, then. You just word it slightly differently.

Viggo: Perhaps. But I'm not quite so impulsive.

Sean B: But where would we be if I wasn't so impulsive? [There's a subtle emphasis upon the 'we'.]

[Viggo and Sean share a glance then, one that's almost uncomfortable in it's directness.]

[Clears throat] Okay then. Viggo, your turn.

Viggo: [Hastily looks away from Bean.] Samwise Gamgee.

Sean A: Strider. [Sean touches his forelock and winks.]

Viggo: You play someone who's loyal to a fault. Is this true to your own character? I sense that you have few good friends, but the ones you have you adore.

Sean A: I'd say that I have a fair number of friends! I'm no shrinking violet. But ... yes. [Sean looks at Elijah] I'm loyal.

Elijah: That's my Sam.

Sean A: Maybe a little too loyal.

Elijah: [Smiles wryly.] Yep. That's my Sam.

Sean A: Be nice, or I'll never let you play with my blood clots again.

Dominic: [Interrupts.] Well. That was a deeply insightful question. But enough of this little love-fest.

Sean, it's your turn!

Sean A: Dominic.

Dominic: Perhaps I should've kept my mouth shut...

Sean A: [Leans on his knees, squints at Dominic.] Your intentions. Are they honorable?

Dominic: Pardon?

Sean A: You know exactly what I'm talking about.

[There is a long silence in which Dominic slowly blushes.]

Dominic: [Quietly] My intentions are honorable.

Elijah: Damn.

Sean A: You stay out of this!

Er. I admit that I'm a little lost, so... if that's the answer, Dominic, then you get to ask next.

Dominic: [Shakes out of his reverie] Okay. John!

John: Young master Hobbit!

Dominic: Did you really sleep with Harrison Ford in Tangiers?

John: [Looks sideways at me.] Er. I have no idea what you're talking about. Not only that, but I claim the fifth. [Hisses] Journalists are present, boy!

Dominic: Okay. How many scars does Harrison have?

John: [Sinks into a bit of a daydream.] Five that I've counted. Two when he's dressed. And after that night in the souks, he's got another right at the base of his spine.

Dominic: [Grins] Sounds like a good story...

John: [Clears throat.] For later, boy! And you'd better be buying my whiskey!

Fascinating. So, er, John -- you next.

John: O little Elf lad...

Orlando: Master Dwarf. How may I serve you?

John: I think you know well enough.

Orlando: [Laughs] I think I told you that you couldn't afford me.

John: So, my boy. Tell us what exactly happened between you and your good friend André, eh?

Orlando: No bloody way! As you pointed out, we've journalists present!

John: [Crosses his arms.] Are you saying that you'd rather have a dare then, lad?

Orlando: [Looks uncomfortable, wipes brow.] Ummm. Well. Okay, fine.

John: Come here.

[Orlando gets up reluctantly and walks over to John. John whispers in his ear.]

Orlando: [Shocked] With the ears?

John: Or the bargain's off.

Orlando: [Sighs] Okay... I'll be there tonight at nine.

John: [Rumbles] You'd better.

I'm not sure I want to think about that dare. So -- Orlando! The next question is yours...

Orlando: Who's the prettiest actor you've ever worked with, Ian?

Ian: [Without hesitation.] That would be Brendan Frasier.

Orlando: [Looks unhappy.] Brendan! That big American bloke. How could you say that?

Ian: [Looks sidelong at Orlando.] I think if you worked with him as ... closely as I did, you'd agree. Not everyone's beauty is merely on the outside. Some are beneath the clothes as well.

[Sean A. sits back and looks a little smug.]

Orlando: [Sounds sulky.] Oh well. I'll have to go find him someday and make sure.

Ian: [Smiles widely] Now isn't that a pretty vision?

Orlando: [Sighs.] Of all the casts in the world, I get stuck in this one...

Ian, apparently you get to ask the last question, and that would go to...

Billy: I was hoping you'd forget about me, actually.

Ian: How could we do that? You're the soul of the Fellowship, Billy!

Billy: I appreciate that. Go easy on me, Ian!

Ian: Well now. What have I always wanted to know about you?

Billy: Em. Perhaps about my favorite place to drink tea? Or maybe ...

Ian: If I gave you a video camera, what would you do with it?

Billy: Follow you 'round, of course.

Ian: Billy.

Billy: Well. I'd probably get Dominic here, and film all sorts of hijinks. In fact, that isn't a bad idea, is it Dom?

Dominic: I'd certainly enjoy that. [Dominic winks suggestively at Billy.]

Elijah: Hey!

Dominic: [With mock gruffness] Kid, remember that you were my second choice.

Elijah: Bastard. You'll pay.

Sean A: Nobody puts Elijah in a corner!

Billy: Boys!

Ian: So you'd film yourself and Dominic playing, is that it?

Billy: Oh yes. That would be a blast.

Ian: And ... what sort of playing would you do?

Billy: Cheeky! Well. I'd probably lock him in a cabinet.

[Everyone laughs but Dominic, who looks a bit afraid.]

Dominic: You wouldn't ... really lock me up, would you?

Billy: [Menacingly.] Only if you brought me the wrong sort of ice cream.

Well! Goodness, looks like you guys are being called back to the set. I, for one, have found this whole conversation clear as... as mud. But thank you all kindly for taking part, and I hope you enjoy the rest of your time here in New Zealand!

[The cast nods, smiles, gets up.]

Sean A: [Whispers to Sean B] Damn, I wonder how that'll hit the news stands.

Sean B: [Mutters back] I'm not sure. Were we oblique enough?

Ian: [Passing by, snorts] Not bloody likely, boys.