(FIC) Flawless DM/SB

[konishi-zen.livejournal.com]

Flawless

Disclaimer: Don't own, Don't sue. Song/People belong to their respective owners

Warnings: Introspective Angst

Pairing:Monaghan/Bean

Feedback: Ta, lovely.

Summary: Dom learns the price of a want.

Flawless.

 

“Something ugly this way comes
Through my fingers sliding inside
All these blessings all these burns
I'm godless underneath your cover
Search for pleasure search for pain
In this world now I am undying
I unfurl my flag my nation helpless.” David Usher

 

I jiggle my legs nervously, my feet hooked up around the rungs on the chair as I sit and sift through the white noise in my head. The cigarette isn’t helping. It gives me enough time to start to think, to start to probe.

The only problem is that I don’t even know where to start.

I abruptly get out of my chair and start pacing around until I finally end up in the bathroom, my over-heated cheek pressed against the tile, my hands mindlessly tracing the tile patterns underneath. My fingers run up and down over the grooves and I paradoxically feel scared yet vindicated at the same time.

I’m being told that it’s a better way to be, keeping everything inside through the panels of ice.

I can feel them building up inside. Not just in my head, but in my heart.

I can feel them getting thicker with each day.

Yet I feel that I’m still overtly raw. Like my skin, pulled so taut over barren scar tissue and gaping wounds that only provides such a thin barrier over everything. It tries to hide everything, but there’s still too much showing. Too much is being exposed.

Maybe it’s my mind trying to fool itself into thinking that once it erects walls, that it will make everything easier to live through. All the loneliness and the fear that swirl around my mind if I don’t lock it in will come spilling out and make my lips crimson and the tile floors bloody.

I shut my eyes and I scrabble the tiles with my fingernails, wondering how much it would hurt to dash them against the unyielding surface. I don’t have to hide right now. It still doesn’t help that I can feel all the ice sliding around, the grooves and joints of the panels coming together.  At first, clumsily, but the longer I think about them, the longer I picture them, the more solid they become. I can see them fusing and it scares me.

I was never like this before. Even though I pretended to hide. To be aloof, I never thought about icing everything over. I had always worn all my emotions on my sleeve. I was more honest than most in that sense. I don’t think, in fact, I ever learned to lie about who I was or what I was feeling.

I always wanted to have that cold reserve. I envied others that could have that reserve. It was the ultimate ‘fuck you’ to the world. To me, it was the perfect state of being and I often wished that I could will myself to be like them. To be so hidden behind everything that nothing touches them. Nothing hurts them and they don’t miss anything or anyone.

They live. They are the ones that walk through throngs of people, their eyes cool and forceful as they make their way through the streets and through life. The ones that make others guess about what’s going on inside. The ones that make others wish they could grasp the substantial mystery that they walls carry around with them. Like a dusky perfume that everyone else can’t help but to react to.

I laughed at the irony that was facing me as I now tapped my fingers on the tiles.

It’s sad that when you finally get what you want, it’s not the gift that you had believed it to be in the time that you would have practically bled for.

“Dom? Dom? Where are ye man?” Sean’s thick, warm Yorkshire voice came through the door as I pulled myself up from the floor that was now warmed up from me lying on it. I stood up and looked at my reflection.

Flawless.

Not a tear. Not a change of expression. The eyes were cool, blank and ever so perfect.

“The Loo. I’ll be right out.” I hear myself say before stepping out and facing Sean.

His green eyes rake over my face, but they clear up of any suspicions when he sees nothing out of the ordinary.

It’s all flawless.

And I feel so alone and empty.

But I received my wish.

In the end, that’s all that matters.

END.