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fellowshippers2003-02-22 09:39 pm
just-angie.livejournal.com) wrote in fellowshippers2003-02-22 09:39 pm
Domlijah angst...
Hi everyone!
me again - this time with a very angsty piece - so there is a pretty big warning on this fic. :)
Author : Angie
Title : Can't decide....
Feedback : Would be lovely, thank you
Disclaimer : None of this is true (thank God!)
Elijah was standing on the corner of a quiet New York street when it happened. The day was just beginning - it was six o'clock in the morning, and the hard snowfall that had covered the city for the past three days was turning to slush in the roads, no longer pure white, but a dirty, polluted brown. The temperature was low, and as Elijah held his hands close to his mouth for warmth, his breath condensed into mist before his eyes. He cursed himself for having forgotten his gloves, aware that his hands were now red and feeling tender from the cold. The set was quiet - people were just arriving, and somewhere in the distance, a runner was making him some coffee.
As he looked up, a figure crossed the desolate street and turned his head. Their eyes met and Elijah smiled brightly. It was Dominic, although Lij's sleep-addled brain couldn't compute for a moment why he should be here, in the middle of New York. He was back home, in Manchester, with his parents.
A second later, the figure had turned back, and disappeared down a side street. Elijah frowned. It had been Dominic - he'd know that face anywhere, the deep, heavy eyes, those ears and that warm, crooked grin. Elijah almost moved off the spot, but the make-up girl called, and he shook his head. He must have been dreaming - they'd been apart way too long. He was just missing his lover, that was all. If it had been Dom, he'd have come over, wrapped his solid arms around Elijah's small frame and squeezed hard. No, it wasn't Dom.
The runner brought the coffee as Elijah shut his eyes for the make-up girl to powder his face, but he soon set the coffee down again, untouched. He suddenly felt horribly sick.
*********
Much later, when the noises of the city were in full force - the blare of a horn and the wail of a siren cutting the air every other moment, Elijah had forgotten about his vision that morning. He was in the middle of a scene, there was quiet on the set and a tension between him and the other lead actor - they were in the middle of an argument, the director watching closely. Just as his character was about to sigh with exasperation, there was a vibration against his left leg and the shrill chorus of his mobile rang out. About twenty lighting men and sound guys let go of the breath they had been holding, the director shot Elijah a disappointed look and called cut. Elijah had the decency to blush. "Sorry," he cringed, reaching down to rip the Velcro on his army pants. His fingers clutched the phone and he eyed the caller name : DOM'S MUM.
He couldn't help but want to smile, and had a suitably mock-scolding of, 'I thought I told you not to call me at work!' on his lips as he pressed 'answer'. "Hello?"
At first he couldn't tell what Aureen was saying, and he pressed his index finger to his other ear. She was talking too fast, her voice was thick and heavy and just as Elijah was about to interrupt, he heard another voice, a deeper voice, and that person obviously took the phone. It was Dom's brother. "Elijah?"
"Hey man, what's wrong?"
He almost didn't hear the words - it was like he knew already. Things began to swim in and out of his vision, and the noise of the cast and crew that had stopped him hearing Aureen earlier was suddenly gone, like at the Opera when the symphony suddenly stops and you can hear a pin drop.
The bile in his throat from earlier rose like battery acid into his mouth and before he knew it, he was behind the trailer, heaving his pathetic breakfast back up into the gutter, his stomach muscles straining as he coughed roughly. His eyes were full of water by the time his fussy make-up girl appeared behind him, exclaiming something, which brought others over, looks of confusion written on every face. Elijah thought he might black out, so he reached out for the side of the trailer, his fingers clutching for purchase on the white-wash van. Again, the faces seemed to swim before him, and he was vaguely aware of his mobile being pressed into his hand by someone - he must have dropped it when he went to vomit.
**********
The director gave him unlimited leave. He didn't care - he would have gone anyway. Fuck the film, fuck the industry, fuck the damn career. Hannah organised everything - he was numb enough to walk into the airport and demand to board the next flight to Manchester Airport, but Hannah did it properly, phoned the airline and booked them a taxi. He heard her name-dropping on the phone to the airline operator, and they were given places on the next flight.
He didn't think about packing clothes or necessities - he just wanted to be there, just wanted to get off the plane and touch British soil, like that would help. He was in a constant state of crying - not loudly, not the wailing and sobbing that one expects of such occasions, but instead just an unremitting stream of tears on his cheeks, dropping off the defined lines of his jaw, soaking steadily into his T-shirt. Well, into Dom's T-shirt.
He'd put it on as soon as he got home - even before he phoned Hannah. He'd gone to their wardrobe, dug about angrily in the pile that was no longer separated into sections, just one big heap of their stuff. Dom had liked it that way, said it made him feel more comfortable. When he found the specific T-shirt he'd been thinking of, he roughly yanked his shirt off and pulled the worn cotton over his head. He hadn't noticed he was crying until then, until the cold air hit his arms and raised the goosebumps there.
He didn't stop to wipe away the tears, not even when they reached the airport and he could see people begin to recognise him. Hannah kept him out of the way of a teenage girl clutching a notebook and pen - dragged him into the departure lounge and just sat with him. She was wondering when he would break - when he would sob brokenly and speak in a thick, hiccuping voice about how desperate he felt. Elijah wondered when he would break too.
As the plane touched down in Manchester and the typically wet British weather started to bounce off his skin, Elijah lost it on the tarmac. He just stopped - dropped his hand luggage and let the burning ache in his chest rise up to engulf him. Hannah saw him stop before she walked into him, and ignoring the stares from the other passengers, she just held him under the grey, heavy sky until she felt him shake with the cold. He had refused to wear a coat - all he wanted on was that T-shirt, but she dragged her own coat off and threw it round him, what good it was - drenched through the fabric and sodden with water. Elijah didn't complain, he just stared at her with blank eyes, much lighter blue than they normally were, the colour of an over-flowing river in spring time.
They finally made it into 'Arrivals', where Billy was waiting. He hadn't shaved - his skin was pale and his eyes looked black. Helplessly, Hannah passed over her still sobbing brother, then listened with a heavy heart as Billy's soft, accented voice whispered empty, soothing words into Elijah's hair. It was late, so they travelled straight to the hotel that Billy had arranged, but Elijah didn't sleep, and they both stayed with him, watching him like they expected him to burst into flames at any moment, watched him like he was a china doll. Elijah hardly noticed - he kept his eyes focused outside the window onto the bright, colourful streetlights of Manchester, and watched as the lightening lit up even the furthest corners over the city before the thunder rolled overhead and encompassed them all in doom.
**********
The next morning it was all over the papers - the headlines were full of tributes and comments from the various members of the fellowship, all of whom were 'in shock.' Ian McKellen called, but Elijah said nothing, just listened half-heartedly. Everyone was 'so very sorry' and told him that 'time would ease the pain', but all he could feel was empty.
Both his friends tried to keep the papers away from him, but when Billy fell asleep in the chair and Hannah was out getting food, Elijah went carefully to the table and lifted 'The Mirror' up with his shaking hands and read :
Manchester Actor Dies In Head-On Collision.
At exactly one o'clock on Tuesday morning, Lord Of The Rings actor Dominic Monaghan was killed in a horrific car crash on the M62. A passenger in the front seat of the red Ford Fiesta, it is thought that Monaghan died instantly - the driver, a family friend from near-by Preston, was also killed when a Tesco supermarket lorry ploughed through the mid-section barrier on the motorway and hit them head on. The driver of the lorry was unharmed, and later admitted to falling asleep at the wheel - condolences from the large supermarket company were passed on to the families of the victims, and the driver is currently in police custody.
Tributes to Monaghan have been flooding in from those who worked on set with him, not only on the recent 'Lord Of The Rings' trilogy, but also from past productions. Veteran BBC actress Patricia Routledge said yesterday :
but that was as far as Elijah got in the article, because his eyes flicked sideways to the picture of Dominic they had chosen to accompany the headline. He was dressed as Merry, in full costume with his curly wig and Fellowship cloak and pin. He had a dark kind of expression - contemplative, almost as though he had just read that very article, as though he was concluding what sort of eulogy 'The Mirror' had given him - weighing it up and finding it far too flimsy. Elijah cried, looking at his boyfriend's eyes - he felt so empty, so helpless, so hollow right down through his body, like someone had opened him up and scooped out all his nerve endings then clumsily sown him back together. All he could think of was that final conversation they had had on the Monday night - just before Dominic had been heading out for a few drinks with some old friends. All Lij had been able to do was to complain about the snow and the cold - he'd gone on and on about how boring it was in New York, and they'd talked in quiet tones about how much they missed each other. Dom had been his usual buoyant self, talking about the up-coming BAFTAs, and they'd discussed what they'd get up to when they saw each other again. Just thinking about it all made Elijah ache behind his eyes, and the tears that had been flowing since he'd heard the news kept blurring up his vision. Things had been fine - they'd been normal. No one ever tells you when it's going to be that final conversation, the final goodbye, or in their case, that last, lingering, 'I love you.'
Hannah broke his cocoon of sadness by opening the hotel-room door and waking Billy. They started to chatter between them, trying to engage Elijah in conversation, but all he could do was stare at that brooding picture of Merry, and listen to Dom's final words that filled his empty, numb head - "Look after yourself Lij, don't forget that I love you."
me again - this time with a very angsty piece - so there is a pretty big warning on this fic. :)
Author : Angie
Title : Can't decide....
Feedback : Would be lovely, thank you
Disclaimer : None of this is true (thank God!)
Elijah was standing on the corner of a quiet New York street when it happened. The day was just beginning - it was six o'clock in the morning, and the hard snowfall that had covered the city for the past three days was turning to slush in the roads, no longer pure white, but a dirty, polluted brown. The temperature was low, and as Elijah held his hands close to his mouth for warmth, his breath condensed into mist before his eyes. He cursed himself for having forgotten his gloves, aware that his hands were now red and feeling tender from the cold. The set was quiet - people were just arriving, and somewhere in the distance, a runner was making him some coffee.
As he looked up, a figure crossed the desolate street and turned his head. Their eyes met and Elijah smiled brightly. It was Dominic, although Lij's sleep-addled brain couldn't compute for a moment why he should be here, in the middle of New York. He was back home, in Manchester, with his parents.
A second later, the figure had turned back, and disappeared down a side street. Elijah frowned. It had been Dominic - he'd know that face anywhere, the deep, heavy eyes, those ears and that warm, crooked grin. Elijah almost moved off the spot, but the make-up girl called, and he shook his head. He must have been dreaming - they'd been apart way too long. He was just missing his lover, that was all. If it had been Dom, he'd have come over, wrapped his solid arms around Elijah's small frame and squeezed hard. No, it wasn't Dom.
The runner brought the coffee as Elijah shut his eyes for the make-up girl to powder his face, but he soon set the coffee down again, untouched. He suddenly felt horribly sick.
*********
Much later, when the noises of the city were in full force - the blare of a horn and the wail of a siren cutting the air every other moment, Elijah had forgotten about his vision that morning. He was in the middle of a scene, there was quiet on the set and a tension between him and the other lead actor - they were in the middle of an argument, the director watching closely. Just as his character was about to sigh with exasperation, there was a vibration against his left leg and the shrill chorus of his mobile rang out. About twenty lighting men and sound guys let go of the breath they had been holding, the director shot Elijah a disappointed look and called cut. Elijah had the decency to blush. "Sorry," he cringed, reaching down to rip the Velcro on his army pants. His fingers clutched the phone and he eyed the caller name : DOM'S MUM.
He couldn't help but want to smile, and had a suitably mock-scolding of, 'I thought I told you not to call me at work!' on his lips as he pressed 'answer'. "Hello?"
At first he couldn't tell what Aureen was saying, and he pressed his index finger to his other ear. She was talking too fast, her voice was thick and heavy and just as Elijah was about to interrupt, he heard another voice, a deeper voice, and that person obviously took the phone. It was Dom's brother. "Elijah?"
"Hey man, what's wrong?"
He almost didn't hear the words - it was like he knew already. Things began to swim in and out of his vision, and the noise of the cast and crew that had stopped him hearing Aureen earlier was suddenly gone, like at the Opera when the symphony suddenly stops and you can hear a pin drop.
The bile in his throat from earlier rose like battery acid into his mouth and before he knew it, he was behind the trailer, heaving his pathetic breakfast back up into the gutter, his stomach muscles straining as he coughed roughly. His eyes were full of water by the time his fussy make-up girl appeared behind him, exclaiming something, which brought others over, looks of confusion written on every face. Elijah thought he might black out, so he reached out for the side of the trailer, his fingers clutching for purchase on the white-wash van. Again, the faces seemed to swim before him, and he was vaguely aware of his mobile being pressed into his hand by someone - he must have dropped it when he went to vomit.
**********
The director gave him unlimited leave. He didn't care - he would have gone anyway. Fuck the film, fuck the industry, fuck the damn career. Hannah organised everything - he was numb enough to walk into the airport and demand to board the next flight to Manchester Airport, but Hannah did it properly, phoned the airline and booked them a taxi. He heard her name-dropping on the phone to the airline operator, and they were given places on the next flight.
He didn't think about packing clothes or necessities - he just wanted to be there, just wanted to get off the plane and touch British soil, like that would help. He was in a constant state of crying - not loudly, not the wailing and sobbing that one expects of such occasions, but instead just an unremitting stream of tears on his cheeks, dropping off the defined lines of his jaw, soaking steadily into his T-shirt. Well, into Dom's T-shirt.
He'd put it on as soon as he got home - even before he phoned Hannah. He'd gone to their wardrobe, dug about angrily in the pile that was no longer separated into sections, just one big heap of their stuff. Dom had liked it that way, said it made him feel more comfortable. When he found the specific T-shirt he'd been thinking of, he roughly yanked his shirt off and pulled the worn cotton over his head. He hadn't noticed he was crying until then, until the cold air hit his arms and raised the goosebumps there.
He didn't stop to wipe away the tears, not even when they reached the airport and he could see people begin to recognise him. Hannah kept him out of the way of a teenage girl clutching a notebook and pen - dragged him into the departure lounge and just sat with him. She was wondering when he would break - when he would sob brokenly and speak in a thick, hiccuping voice about how desperate he felt. Elijah wondered when he would break too.
As the plane touched down in Manchester and the typically wet British weather started to bounce off his skin, Elijah lost it on the tarmac. He just stopped - dropped his hand luggage and let the burning ache in his chest rise up to engulf him. Hannah saw him stop before she walked into him, and ignoring the stares from the other passengers, she just held him under the grey, heavy sky until she felt him shake with the cold. He had refused to wear a coat - all he wanted on was that T-shirt, but she dragged her own coat off and threw it round him, what good it was - drenched through the fabric and sodden with water. Elijah didn't complain, he just stared at her with blank eyes, much lighter blue than they normally were, the colour of an over-flowing river in spring time.
They finally made it into 'Arrivals', where Billy was waiting. He hadn't shaved - his skin was pale and his eyes looked black. Helplessly, Hannah passed over her still sobbing brother, then listened with a heavy heart as Billy's soft, accented voice whispered empty, soothing words into Elijah's hair. It was late, so they travelled straight to the hotel that Billy had arranged, but Elijah didn't sleep, and they both stayed with him, watching him like they expected him to burst into flames at any moment, watched him like he was a china doll. Elijah hardly noticed - he kept his eyes focused outside the window onto the bright, colourful streetlights of Manchester, and watched as the lightening lit up even the furthest corners over the city before the thunder rolled overhead and encompassed them all in doom.
**********
The next morning it was all over the papers - the headlines were full of tributes and comments from the various members of the fellowship, all of whom were 'in shock.' Ian McKellen called, but Elijah said nothing, just listened half-heartedly. Everyone was 'so very sorry' and told him that 'time would ease the pain', but all he could feel was empty.
Both his friends tried to keep the papers away from him, but when Billy fell asleep in the chair and Hannah was out getting food, Elijah went carefully to the table and lifted 'The Mirror' up with his shaking hands and read :
Manchester Actor Dies In Head-On Collision.
At exactly one o'clock on Tuesday morning, Lord Of The Rings actor Dominic Monaghan was killed in a horrific car crash on the M62. A passenger in the front seat of the red Ford Fiesta, it is thought that Monaghan died instantly - the driver, a family friend from near-by Preston, was also killed when a Tesco supermarket lorry ploughed through the mid-section barrier on the motorway and hit them head on. The driver of the lorry was unharmed, and later admitted to falling asleep at the wheel - condolences from the large supermarket company were passed on to the families of the victims, and the driver is currently in police custody.
Tributes to Monaghan have been flooding in from those who worked on set with him, not only on the recent 'Lord Of The Rings' trilogy, but also from past productions. Veteran BBC actress Patricia Routledge said yesterday :
but that was as far as Elijah got in the article, because his eyes flicked sideways to the picture of Dominic they had chosen to accompany the headline. He was dressed as Merry, in full costume with his curly wig and Fellowship cloak and pin. He had a dark kind of expression - contemplative, almost as though he had just read that very article, as though he was concluding what sort of eulogy 'The Mirror' had given him - weighing it up and finding it far too flimsy. Elijah cried, looking at his boyfriend's eyes - he felt so empty, so helpless, so hollow right down through his body, like someone had opened him up and scooped out all his nerve endings then clumsily sown him back together. All he could think of was that final conversation they had had on the Monday night - just before Dominic had been heading out for a few drinks with some old friends. All Lij had been able to do was to complain about the snow and the cold - he'd gone on and on about how boring it was in New York, and they'd talked in quiet tones about how much they missed each other. Dom had been his usual buoyant self, talking about the up-coming BAFTAs, and they'd discussed what they'd get up to when they saw each other again. Just thinking about it all made Elijah ache behind his eyes, and the tears that had been flowing since he'd heard the news kept blurring up his vision. Things had been fine - they'd been normal. No one ever tells you when it's going to be that final conversation, the final goodbye, or in their case, that last, lingering, 'I love you.'
Hannah broke his cocoon of sadness by opening the hotel-room door and waking Billy. They started to chatter between them, trying to engage Elijah in conversation, but all he could do was stare at that brooding picture of Merry, and listen to Dom's final words that filled his empty, numb head - "Look after yourself Lij, don't forget that I love you."
no subject
This was beautiful, poignant, painful to read. Everything that I love.
Think I need to go have a good cry, now...
no subject
Am ashamed to say I didn't re-read before posting this comment (other than to check the hug thing *grin*) as I felt too emotionally fragile from last night (and Eric Clapton is on again :) )
Anyway, you're stunningly talented *loffs*
Kate
xxx
no subject
I'm pleased that it was powerful enough to touch emotions though - I always end up being my own worst critic and thinking that my work is flimsy.
Thank you!
-angie
xx
no subject
And I've decided - even if Dom WAS hugging to hurt, I'd still take the hug *laughs at self*
lots of love,
Ange
xxxxx
Re:
Much love, angel :)
*snuggles*
Kate
xxxxx
no subject
no subject
Am off to bed now, as have evil work tomorrow *sigh*
Nightloveyoubye
*huggles*
Katie
xxxxx
Re:
no subject
I'm going back to that fic you highly rec'd for me *laughs*
nightloveyoubye, deary!
Ange
xxxxx
no subject
Also I have been asked to post you this comment from Becs:
"Horribly horribly painful and absolutely wonderful. One of the best things I've read in ages. I don't well up easily but that has shaken me to the core."
no subject
*blushes* its always nice to hear that your writing has an effect on people, but I feel wicked for making people teary! If its any consolation, I felt pretty meloncholy after writing it :)
thanks for the lovely comments,
lots of love,
Ange
xx
no subject
That was such a wonderful fic and I'm bawling my heart out right now. You're terrific at this! Sorry if I sound disjointed but if I do it's all on account of you and your talented writing and heart-wrenchingly pretty fic.
--Anduine
P.S.- *looks shy* Would you mind dearly if I added you to my friends list?
no subject
:((
no subject
Thank you for saying such nice things about my writing - this one just kind of flowed out and I couldn't really stop it. I'm not usually this depressing - honest! :)
love
Ange
x
no subject
sorry!
:)
-angie
x
no subject
I hate you. *wipes away tears*
Well, okay, I don't hate you. But man. *sniffs* That was sad.
no subject
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Great story. *stares in awe*
no subject
Thanks for the comment - hope you feel better soon.
-Ange
x
Re:
I read your other Domlijah too (the other one in your LJ. yup I went through the entire LJ searching for it *blush*) Do you have any more? You're such a great writer and u do RPS so well. I can't even imagine myself writing RPS and being able to keep them in character. You and Kate are so good at it!
no subject
I have two other pieces besides this angsty one on LJ - I'm not sure which one you found :) let me know which one you've read, and I shall send you the link to the other one. I currently have a long Orli/Dom, Orli/Lijah Domlijah in process, but time for that got lost along the way *grin*
Re:
*giggle* I really loved it too you know! You'd think i'd remember but I keep thinking of Dom dying and then losing myself in that fic again...
I hope u know which one I meant though. It's the fic before the dying one. (yay I remembered something else! lol)
no subject
its here :
http://www.livejournal.com/talkread.bml?journal=just_angie&itemid=27363#cutid1
its the first domlijah I ever wrote, but I quite liked it myself.
I am always doing that, reading fics and forgetting their titles or where I found them - its majorly frustrating *laughs*
Re:
So 1 in the morning huh? *sigh* I so wish I had you guys frredom.
no subject
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As for being up at one in the morning - I'm terrible like that! :) I can be on earlys and have to get up at 7 yet I don't roll into bed until about half one *laughs*
-Angie
x
Re:
Oh and how did u do on that particular Bible Studies exam when u were so focussed on writing that splendid, non-bible related piece of slash? *grin wickedly* ;)
no subject
Re: