ext_39754 (![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png)
glass-moment.livejournal.com) wrote in ![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png)
fellowshippers2004-06-24 09:06 pm
glass-moment.livejournal.com) wrote in fellowshippers2004-06-24 09:06 pm
(no subject)
Another day, another pairing....
Just Begun
PG
There are times when panic closes in on Sean along with the suffocating darkness of night. There are times when it seems he's wasted the only time he had. Here he is, settled down with a wife and a family, a good career, a good life. Everything is constant. He should be content. Instead, he wants to scream. What have I done with my life? He wonders where the years have gone, wonders when his chance at excitement and adventure passed him by. His youth, his prime, his time on this earth is gone. He has lost the opportunity to do. Now he can only watch as others thrive and enjoy and change while he merely exists, trapped in stability.
He has nightmares about Ali. In them she is grown up. She dances wildly beneath ever-changing lights that color her hair and clothing- red, blue, black, green, violet. Everything about her shifts constantly. Only her face remains the same, the face of the earnest toddler he knows so well.
Some nights she meets his eyes and laughs at him, head thrown back, throat convulsing uncontrollably. Some nights she flips him the finger. Some nights she does not see him at all. There seems to be an invisible barrier between them. He throws himself against it again and again, screams her name until his voice is raspy and harsh, and still she does not notice him. She merely twirls faster and faster, headed towards chaos.
Those are the nights he wakes up sobbing.
It descends on him suddenly in Orlando's living room one night, the feeling that his life is over. It hooks claws into the pit of his stomach and creeps into a hard knot that he wants to curl up around and shut out the world. The bright lights and chattering of his castmates seem to smother him. It is the feeling that he often knew in childhood, the feeling that his mother could banish just by holding him in her arms, keeping the darkness at bay.
Instinctively he looks for Elijah, arguing animatedly with Andy in the corner, but no, Elijah won't understand. Elijah can't understand. He is young and beautiful and in love with the world, and the world is in love with him. His life is all glory an delight and change and excitement. He is head over heels into everything Sean is longing for.
Dom, too, Dom is still in the throws of life. If he was someone else he might be coming out of it by now, might be getting tired of the late nights and early mornings and the uncertainty between. Not Dom. Never Dom. Dom does not just ride out the swells of life, carefree and caught up in the adrenaline of it all. He actually seems to have connected with it, to understand it.
So it is Billy who he is standing with in Orlando's kitchen. It is Billy whose forearms Sean finds himself gripping so tightly he leaves white-red markings when he lets go. It is Billy who stays with him through the night and into the morning while sheer dread clutches him and keeps him awake. Billy's hands, oddly large and rough for a man who looks and laughs like a pixie, cup his face gently. They are suprisingly warm. Sean finds himself caught in a pure green gaze as Billy lets his hands wander, stroking absent patterns over Sean's body. They shh comfortingly on the fabric of his clothing. A different ache blossoms, one that takes up residence in Sean's chest and twinges in his fingertips.
Billy kisses him slowly and assures him that life has only just begun.
Just Begun
PG
There are times when panic closes in on Sean along with the suffocating darkness of night. There are times when it seems he's wasted the only time he had. Here he is, settled down with a wife and a family, a good career, a good life. Everything is constant. He should be content. Instead, he wants to scream. What have I done with my life? He wonders where the years have gone, wonders when his chance at excitement and adventure passed him by. His youth, his prime, his time on this earth is gone. He has lost the opportunity to do. Now he can only watch as others thrive and enjoy and change while he merely exists, trapped in stability.
He has nightmares about Ali. In them she is grown up. She dances wildly beneath ever-changing lights that color her hair and clothing- red, blue, black, green, violet. Everything about her shifts constantly. Only her face remains the same, the face of the earnest toddler he knows so well.
Some nights she meets his eyes and laughs at him, head thrown back, throat convulsing uncontrollably. Some nights she flips him the finger. Some nights she does not see him at all. There seems to be an invisible barrier between them. He throws himself against it again and again, screams her name until his voice is raspy and harsh, and still she does not notice him. She merely twirls faster and faster, headed towards chaos.
Those are the nights he wakes up sobbing.
It descends on him suddenly in Orlando's living room one night, the feeling that his life is over. It hooks claws into the pit of his stomach and creeps into a hard knot that he wants to curl up around and shut out the world. The bright lights and chattering of his castmates seem to smother him. It is the feeling that he often knew in childhood, the feeling that his mother could banish just by holding him in her arms, keeping the darkness at bay.
Instinctively he looks for Elijah, arguing animatedly with Andy in the corner, but no, Elijah won't understand. Elijah can't understand. He is young and beautiful and in love with the world, and the world is in love with him. His life is all glory an delight and change and excitement. He is head over heels into everything Sean is longing for.
Dom, too, Dom is still in the throws of life. If he was someone else he might be coming out of it by now, might be getting tired of the late nights and early mornings and the uncertainty between. Not Dom. Never Dom. Dom does not just ride out the swells of life, carefree and caught up in the adrenaline of it all. He actually seems to have connected with it, to understand it.
So it is Billy who he is standing with in Orlando's kitchen. It is Billy whose forearms Sean finds himself gripping so tightly he leaves white-red markings when he lets go. It is Billy who stays with him through the night and into the morning while sheer dread clutches him and keeps him awake. Billy's hands, oddly large and rough for a man who looks and laughs like a pixie, cup his face gently. They are suprisingly warm. Sean finds himself caught in a pure green gaze as Billy lets his hands wander, stroking absent patterns over Sean's body. They shh comfortingly on the fabric of his clothing. A different ache blossoms, one that takes up residence in Sean's chest and twinges in his fingertips.
Billy kisses him slowly and assures him that life has only just begun.