If I Die (part 14)

[dani-grl4.livejournal.com]

Title: If I Die
Author: dani_grl4
Pairing: Dom/Billy
Rating: R for swearing
Disclaimer: So glad this isn’t true.
Feedback: Is very appreciated. Okay I’m a hor! for it. Smooches to all those who have given such lovely feedback so far.
Warning: Angst. As ever, despite the title, there is no death.
Summary: Billy and Dom talk about how they feel, finally, to each other.
A/N: Much appreciation to my friend and beta, canciona who continues to see me through this series. Also, tons of hugs to elvensanctuary who made this lovely icon just for this wee chapter. And special Bon Voyage kisses to greyest_skies. I'm going to miss you, girl! *waves a sock in the air* Note: This is not the last chapter, just so there is no confusion.

Prologue, Part 1 / Part 2 / Part 3 / Part 4 / Part 5 / Part 6 / Part 7 / Part 8 / Part 9a / Part 9b / Part 10 / Part 11 / Part 12 / Part 13



Chapter 14

"Has Elijah gone?" Dom asks as he walks sleepily into the living room, only to find Billy sitting on the couch, alone.

Billy, so lost in thought, doesn’t hear him come in. "Hmm? Ah, yes, he left a few hours ago."

Dom sits down and rubs his face vigorously, trying to wake up. "Why didn’t you wake me?"

"What for, love? You were so exhausted. I made some lunch, if you’re hungry."

"Billy, you’re not supposed to be doing anything. That’s what I’m here for," Dom says, slightly angrily, and heads into the kitchen for a very strong cup of coffee.

"Elijah, you really weren’t exaggerating this time, were you?" Billy asks himself aloud before sinking deeper into the sofa, listening to Dom toss things aside in the kitchen carelessly.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

The tense silence which blankets the house that afternoon threatens to drive Billy slowly mad. Dom is never sat more than a few feet away from him, but he’s obviously still angry that Billy didn’t wake him to let him know Elijah had gone and that there was no one to take care of him. Not that Billy feels like he needed looking after. In fact, his bruises and his ribs are healing quite nicely, which allows him a bit more freedom of movement.

"Hey Dom, wanna watch a movie with me?" he asks, desperate for a distraction from the thick silence.

"Sure, Bills. Whatever you want."

"You choose. Just pop something in and come sit by me here." Billy pats the overstuffed sofa cushion next to him.

A few minutes into the movie, Billy begins to snuggle comfortably into Dom. He can feel Dom’s muscles tighten immediately, but he allows Billy to lean his head on his shoulder. Billy lifts his head eventually and kisses the sensitive spot just behind his ear, the movie utterly forgotten as the familiarity of Dom’s warmth and smell become intoxicating. He’s missed being close to him so much - he knew that part. He just didn’t realise how much he missed it.

Dom nearly jumps off the couch entirely, away from Billy. "Billy, I can’t. No, I can’t." He shakes his head, standing as far away from the couch as possible.

Billy sighs with increased frustration and irritation, but his voice reveals nothing but patience. "What are you scared of, love?"

"No, Billy. Please, just leave it alone. I’m trying, but I have to sort this out by myself. It’s not your problem," Dom says as he sits back down, careful to leave a space between him and Billy.

Billy shuts off the television before facing him. "Not my problem, eh? Whatever this is that’s haunting you is also keeping you from me and that makes it my problem. It’s taken the person that I love and replaced him with someone who can’t bear to touch me. You’re exceptionally attentive and caring, just like you always were. But so sad and distant now. You won’t hold me unless I ask-"

"I’m trying to be good to you, Billy," Dom says quietly.

"No, Dom. You’re trying to make up for something that isn’t your fault. All I need is for you to love me and be here with me. Physically and emotionally. To let me care for you the way you used to. To let me back in here." Billy runs his hand lightly over Dom’s chest where his heart is racing.

The realisation that Billy could think he doesn’t love him hits Dom hard. If anything, he loves him now more than ever. He just doesn’t know how to be with him anymore. It’s been so long, and he can’t bring himself to be close to Billy again for fear of losing him. But he does love him, more than anything.

"God, Billy, you are. You are. So much, so much, you are my heart." Dom sinks down to his knees on the floor in front of him. When he looks up at Billy his eyes are filled with tears.

That’s it, m’Dommeh. Talk to me. Let it out. Let it go.

"I’m so, so sorry for that night, Billy, please, you have to forgive me." Billy reaches down to stroke Dom’s hair. He almost shushes Dom, almost tells him he’s being ridiculous. Almost. But he knows Dom needs to say much more and Billy wants to be sure he gives him the chance to say it. So he lets Dom sob at his knees, as though begging for forgiveness.

He knows there will be times in the future when he too will shatter with the memories of what happened. He knows for sure this isn’t the last time Dom will be overcome with emotions about his kidnapping. But for now he has to help Dom through this, and it breaks his heart to listen to the pain he’s been keeping inside, away from Billy. Pain that started so many months ago and is now out of Dom’s control. It’s so much - too much, really - and he can’t speak in words that Billy understands anymore.

"Dom, will you listen to me now?"

"No." Dom struggles to continue talking. "I tried to hurt you that night. I was so selfish, so immature. Then when you disappeared all I could think about was finding you. The pain was so intense, Billy, I thought I would just die. I’ve never, ever felt anything like it, you know?" He looks into Billy’s eyes, which are now spilling tears of their own.

"Billy I didn’t want to - no, I couldn’t live without you. When I heard you were alive it was the most wonderful news. Like a gift, really." Dom shakes his head sadly, fresh tears spilling over his cheeks once more. "But then, on the way to see you, all I could think of was how you must hate me."

"Never, Dom. Never."

But Dom shakes his head again. "No, Billy, not on purpose. But I didn’t know if you connected the stupid fight we had that night with your kidnapping. Whether you had come to resent me and didn’t even realise it. And I thought, what if you’re cold to me or you distanced yourself from me? I couldn’t live with that either, Billy."

"Dom, I haven’t. I’ve wanted nothing more than to be close to you-"

"It’s not rational Billy, I know that. But it’s how I feel. And now I’m so scared that you’ll leave again, forever, that I can’t even bring myself to get close to you when it’s the one thing you’ve asked from me. And I can’t even give you that, Bills. I can’t even give you that. I’m useless," Dom whispers the last couple of words and stares at his hands, now resting on Billy’s knees. An exhausted sob escapes him, as he no longer has the energy to cry.

Billy leans forward and lifts Dom’s chin so that their faces are close together. "I will never leave you, Dommeh."

"But Billy, you-"

"No, listen to me. I will never leave you, do you understand? I fought so hard to stay alive for one reason, and one reason only. And that was to come back to you."

Dom doesn’t respond to this. It’s as though his mind won’t accept any of the comforting words that Billy is offering. "Are you disappointed in me Billy?"

Billy pulls Dom back onto the couch with him and wraps his arms around him tightly, despite the screaming pain from his tender ribs and fractured arm. "Never. I’m so proud of the person you are Dom. Of the way you love me. Of the way you let me love you. I could never be disappointed in you."

Dom pulls away and pushes the sleeve of his shirt up to show Billy his scars. "Not even about this?" Dom looks at him uncertainly.

"No, love. Never this. It just makes me incredibly sad." Billy gently traces the fading scars with his index finger. "You know, Dom, I wasn’t angry with you that night."

"You walked away from me because I was flirting with those girls."

"Alright, I was annoyed. But I was also jet-lagged and exhausted. I knew why you were doing it. I knew that was your way of telling me that you hated the fact that I was away so much. Give me a little credit, Dom. I know you. Also, I believe I really had to piss. Would have gone to the toilet anyway, love, with or without you acting like a right tart."

Dom knows Billy’s trying to lighten the mood slightly with humour, but he doesn’t laugh.

"You are not in any way responsible, Dom," Billy continues. "And I will remind you everyday until you accept this because it’s the truth."

Dom doesn’t know what to say to this. Part of him wants to accept Billy’s words but he can’t shake his fear of losing Billy again; can’t get rid of the thought that were it not for his own stupidity, none of this would have happened.

"You need help, Dom. You have to let these feelings of guilt go. They’re destroying you," Billy says quietly. "They’re destroying us."

His voice is laced with pain. "I don’t know how to stop this. I just can’t stop thinking about his hands all over you. Touching you. Hitting you. Hurting you, Billy. I close my eyes and it’s all I see."

"Oh, baby, why haven’t you said anything?" Billy sighs.

"Because, Bill. Because you have enough to deal with now," Dom says quietly as he heads towards the door. "I’m just going to sit outside for a bit. I need some air."

Billy watches Dom quietly close the front door to their home. He sits in the same spot, watching the door and thinking about everything Dom's just said for close to an hour before he finally gets up and follows him outside.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

The air is unseasonably crisp for L.A. this time of year and Billy shivers a bit as he steps out onto the cold front steps in his socks.

He takes a seat next to Dom, but waits for him to speak first. He doesn’t have to wait long.

"I don’t know where to start, Billy. I feel like we’ve drifted apart so much. I hate that you feel sorry for me. I can’t even bring myself to look at you, do you know that? I never could have imagined a scenario where I couldn’t bear to look you in the eye, or couldn’t bear to touch you. But I can’t Billy. I just can’t. Not right now."

They sit in silence on the steps of their home and watch the sun go down. The only sounds are the occasional audible struggle to hold back tears. It’s finally Billy that speaks.

"What are you saying then, Dom?"

He looks at Dom’s profile, head hung low, fresh tears spilling over his flushed cheeks. Dom shakes his head. "I don’t know, Billy. I want to do the right thing here, and I just think I’ve done nothing but hurt you. You don’t need that." He looks in Billy’s direction, the closest he’s going to come to looking at him outright.

Billy’s entire body feels numb as he listens to Dom. He feels his blood run cold and for a moment he can’t catch his breath. He’s heard people say ‘It felt like someone punched me in the stomach’ in response to hearing bad news, but having literally been punched in the stomach recently, Billy can say for certain that he would much prefer the physical pain right now.

"I need you, Dom," Billy whispers. He tries to touch Dom’s face, but as usual, he tenses up.

"I see," Billy says as he stands to walk back into the house, defeated. When he reaches the door, he turns back to look at Dom, who’s practically curled up into himself, his body shaking with anguish. He stares for several seconds before he makes up his mind, and he doesn’t care if Dom wants to push him away. If he won’t listen to his words, maybe there’s another way to prove how much he still loves him.

Billy walks back over to Dom and kneels beside him. He strokes his hair gently and is reassured when Dom doesn’t withdraw this time. Before he has the chance to change his mind and recoil from his touch, Billy lifts Dom’s face with his good hand and kisses him, hard, on the lips. He’s met with resistance at first, but his tongue persists until Dom’s finally responds, as if automatically. Billy is amazed at how natural this feels considering he hasn’t really kissed his lover in well over four months now. Dom’s whimpers of protest turn into one long moan as his body finally gives into Billy.

Their tongues connect with an excitement and appreciation which Billy wishes they could express to each other in words. But for now, this will do.

Billy pulls away, breathless, after a few seconds. He looks at Dom who still has tear stains on his face, but whose eyes are dark and glassy. He’s breathing hard, staring back at Billy with a look that combines surprise with confusion, but something else as well. Something Billy recognises as adoration. And he’s never been so relieved to see that in Dom’s eyes before, nor so scared that it wouldn’t be there.

"I’m not giving up on us, Dom. I love you and I meant what I said earlier. None of what happened is your fault. Accept that. And then let’s find a way to get past this - together," he offers before getting up to walk back into the house, leaving Dom speechless.

Billy walks into the kitchen and supports himself on the counter there. He tries to catch his breath, made difficult by the passionate kiss he’s just shared and his uncertainty at what’s going to happen now. He wonders briefly whether he finally got through to Dom when he hears the front door open.

Dom walks back into the house with one finger still on his tingling lips. "Billy?" he calls out hesitantly, finding him in the kitchen and walking over to the counter to stand next to him. Billy doesn’t look up as Dom speaks.

"I-I need you too. And I want to be here for you. With you. I want to be here with you, Billy," Dom corrects himself.

Billy finally faces him to find Dom’s eyes no longer wet, but intense.

He smiles at Billy, who lets out the largest sigh of relief in his life before returning a bright smile of his own.

"Aye. Together then," Billy says as he takes Dom’s hand and pulls him in for another kiss.